Chapter 34
SUNDAY
Well, as plans go, this one is backfiring spectacularly. If I thought my announcement would jump-start Razor’s brain into action, it had the opposite effect. He wants me to go, and that hurts like hell.
I don’t fall into bed with him. I have too much pride for that, and after the sweetest kiss that tastes a lot like an ending; we head to the cafeteria for breakfast. My heart dragging after me like a petulant child who doesn’t want to go to school.
I am angry, desperate, and so fucked because I’ve fallen in love with a man who is emotionally redundant. He shows no feelings at all. Perhaps he doesn’t like me in the same way. I am a whore to him—his whore and that’s all he wants from me.
I will shake it off—for now anyway—because thanks to my stupidity I have a new life to embrace and make the most of. It’s probably for the best because if Razor merely wants me for sex and companionship, I should move on and fast.
We head to breakfast, a kind of truce in place, and something is different now. Space is already growing between us, and I hate it.
I can’t even complain or blame him. I did this to myself, and as we head into the cafeteria, Carla is serving this morning and smiles at me with sympathy.
Razor heads off to grab a table, and she leans over the counter and whispers, “You made up then.”
“Barely.” I blow out a breath. “Why is he so stubborn, Carla? It could be so good between us, but he wants me on his terms.”
“Fucking asshole.”
Carla glares at him, and I smile.
“I won’t argue with you, honey, but you can’t help who you fall for, and for some reason, I fell for him hard.”
“It will work out. Give him time.”
“I gave him months, Carla. Do I turn that into years because I’m confident even centuries wouldn’t change that man’s mind.”
“You’re probably right.”
She shakes her head. “I feel for you, honey. You know I’ll always be here for you.”
“Same.”
We smile because that is one of the things I love about living here. The friendships that will never break. The whores and the old ladies are close in mind and proximity, and we have each other’s back and always will.
* * *
I join Razor and he smiles his thanks; conversation certainly isn’t his strongest point.
As we sit together, to anyone watching, nothing has changed.
Everything has changed.
I have changed and woken up, and decided I want better for myself.
My thoughts turn to my impending new life, and I wonder what possessed me to ask for it. Maine of all places. Why didn’t I move nearer to my family?
That was never going to be an option.
My inner voice reminds me that the threat is still out there. He is still living and breathing, and until Santiago De Sauro is dead and burned to hell, I will never be safe.
No, Maine is the perfect place to lose myself for a few years while the dust settles, to repair my broken heart and forge a new life for myself.
Then why does it hurt so much when I gaze at the man opposite me? I love him. I’m a fool.
Luckily, Blade and Delilah head into the cafeteria, and I smile, patting the seat beside me as she approaches.
“Sit here, honey. Finally, somebody to have an actual conversation with.”
I glare at Razor, who appears oblivious to anyone, and as Blade asks Delilah what she wants, it tears at what’s left of my bruised and bloodied heart.
Two brothers. Identical to look at, but so different inside. Trust me to get the emotionless one.
With a sigh, I glance at the man of my nightmares and dreams combined, and as always, my heart flutters when he drops me a wink, his preferred method of communication.
Blade heads off, and I chat to Delilah, who seems to be a sweet girl and I don’t miss how her gaze drifts to Blade, and I recognize the same yearning in her expression as I wear for Razor.
At least one of us stands a chance, I’m guessing.
By the time they leave, I’m resigned to life carrying on, business as usual, and as we head out of the cafeteria, Razor grunts, “I’m sorry, darlin’.”
To be honest, the list is endless, and I wonder what he’s sorry for this time.
I say nothing, and he sighs. “I can’t be the man you deserve, but if it’s any help, I really want you to stay.”
I suppose that’s as good as it gets with him.
He wants me to stay.
That must have taken a superhuman effort, and I merely nod. “You and me both, honey.”
His hand finds mine, and I blink back the tears because we are now on the farewell tour that ends in two weeks unless a miracle happens.
He says huskily, “What are your plans for today?”
“I haven’t any.”
My life sucks. It’s an endless round of working, fucking and hoping for more. I expect this will be the same, and I steady my nerves for another day in bed with this man.
“We could ride out. Take a picnic and lose ourselves for the day.”
I blink away my surprise.
“I’d like that.”
He nods and says gruffly, “Go and get your things. I’ll grab some food for the picnic and meet you by the bike.”
“That sounds great, um, thank you, honey.”
Once again he says nothing, and as we part ways, I consider this a win.