Thirty-Eight
I eventually fell asleep, and when I woke in the early hours of the morning, there he was, slumped beside me, his head and arms resting on the bed beside me. I reached out a hand and stroked it over his short hair, managing to do it several times before he suddenly jolted awake. He blinked at me a few times, looking a little lost at first.
“Uh… you okay? What time is it?”
“No idea. About the time, I mean. I shouldn’t have woken you, but you need to sleep in a bed, Reacher. You’re not doing yourself any good sitting like that.”
He shrugged, rubbing at his face.
“I’m fine. It’s uh… I could use one of the other beds, I guess. I don’t want to be away from you right now.”
I didn’t think it was possible to love him more, but he kept surprising me.
“I don’t really want you away from me either.” It was tough to admit such things, but it was the truth. Now that we were back together, I wanted nothing to keep us apart.
“I’ll be out of here tomorrow, and we can get used to whatever the hell normal looks like for us.”
Reacher didn’t seem like himself, and I know he’d just woken up, but he was a little distant, but not in a way that made me worry it was about me. Something was bothering him.
“Yeah… uh… what? Tomorrow. Good. And I’ll make sure we follow the doc’s orders, so you don’t get hurt again.”
“What’s wrong?”
He frowned, pressing at those studs in his eyebrow.
“Stuff on my mind, woman. That’s all. It’s nothing for you to worry about.”
“Bullshit. If I’m going to be your old lady then I’m in, right? I’m part of your life, your world. That means you don’t give me the ‘leave everything to the man, little lady’, and you actually talk to me. I’m the one you can turn to when you need to let stuff out.”
He snorted, but even that seemed half-hearted, like he was doing it purely for me, rather than out of any real mirth.
“Should have seen that one coming. You’re right. It’s just… I talked with Stitch.”
Oh. “Is everything okay now?”
He shook his head, looking incredibly sad. He had so much weight on his shoulders, and I could see how it was piling higher with every moment. I could feel myself tensing up in response, dread settling in deep into my soul, because it looked very much like bad news was coming, and Reacher had no idea how to handle it.
“What’s going on? Is he okay?”
He sighed. “I… Jesus… this is his business, so I can’t say too much, but uh… he has a… he might be sick. He might be uh… really sick.”
He looked devastated as he tried to tell me without actually telling me, trying to honour his brother’s privacy, while telling me enough so I’d know it was serious as hell. Something worse than mafia and cartels, and drugs, and all the things that had already caused him so much stress.
“Really sick like the word nobody ever wants to use?”
He groaned, pressing at his piercings again.
“Maybe. He’s uh… he’s pretty freaked out.”
“Who wouldn’t be? Is he gonna talk to Doc? Or is that already in hand?”
He took my hand, stroking my fingers.
“He doesn’t want anyone here to know. Not right now. I’m uh, I’m gonna go with him to see a different doc. It’s too… it’s not something… Jesus, I feel like this is the one thing we can’t fight, you know? And it’s Stitch. He’s like my fucking brother, and he… he’s been trying to deal with this alone, because of all my shit, and it… I let him down, that’s what it comes down to. I fucking left him to cope alone. He shouldn’t have had to deal with this shit by himself.”
“Reacher, you couldn’t have known.”
“I should have,” he practically snapped the words, and then instantly apologised, pressing his lips against my fingers.
“He doesn’t even have anyone to turn to. His sister is younger than him, and he won’t want to burden her. He doesn’t have a partner, he doesn’t have… not like I have you, he has nobody. Who can he turn to? Who’s gonna hold him up through this? Especially when he wasn’t gonna tell anyone.”
He squeezed his eyes shut, and took a breath, which sounded shaky as hell, and broke my heart a little more.
“He’s so fucking young, Ally. This shouldn’t be happening to someone so fucking young.” His breath hitched, and he covered his face with one hand.
“Let it out, Reacher. You take on so much for everyone here, and this is the worst. Something nobody should have to go through, but you’re gonna be strong for him, like you are for everyone. That means you have to let it out when they can’t see. When you’re with me, and you can let that guard down, and just be fucking human, you can stop being strong. I’m here for you, Reacher. I love you.”
The next word from his mouth was obliterated by the sob that gushed out of his chest, and then he was burying his face in the bedding, my hand trapped beneath it, as he let out probably a decade’s worth of pain, and fear, and suffering. As much as it was devastating to witness, and had me crying right along with him, I was pretty sure it’d also do wonders for his stress levels.
Reacher
S he said all the right things, and she made me let it all out like a fucking child. I felt so fucking humiliated, and ashamed of myself. Crying it out like it was my horror to cry about, like it was my privilege to let out emotions, when my fucking brother, my best friend, was the one living in the worst hell I could imagine.
How long had he been living with this fear? How long ago did he find a fucking lump in one of his balls, and try to justify ignoring it? How long ago did he feel that icy cold chill of terror run down his spine, when he realised there was something that didn’t belong. Something that shouldn’t be there?
Ally stroked my head while I finally let my mind race through all of the horrors that poor Stitch must have already considered, in the days or, god help him, weeks since he discovered it. We’d never discussed the when of it all.
And he didn’t cry, at least not in front of me. He was on the fucking edge, but he fought his way back, and me? I cried like a fucking baby, right in front of my old lady, no less.
“Reacher?”
Hell. She’d want me to look her in the eye, and I didn’t have the courage. She’d watched me break down, and now she’d know that I was weak enough to fall apart like that. What a catch, right? Too old, with a dodgy ticker, and now she’d think I was a total pussy too.
“Reacher, dammit!”
I lifted my head, rubbing at my eyes, trying to hide the evidence of my mental collapse, even though it was obvious in everything she’d just seen and heard. Hell, my head throbbed in time with my pulse too.
“What?”
“Stop hiding from me. You did the right thing. Letting it out now means you can go back to being strong and stubborn, and all the things that make you Reacher, but it needed to happen. So don’t go getting all aloof and assholey, now that you feel embarrassed. There is NO shame in feeling things.”
I swallowed, kissing her fingers once more, before I sat up properly.
“That’s not something I normally do, woman, and I feel weak for doing it. Even more than that, I’m ashamed because this is Stitch’s problem, and I don’t have a right to behave like this.”
“Like hell you don’t! He’s your brother, uh… from another mother… is that the right expression? You guys have taken this club and made it a good place, with good people, and now those good people need to support both of you. They take enough from you. It’s time they give back.”
Jesus. If I didn’t answer very carefully, she’d go on a fucking rampage, and piss off the club even more than she already had, and I wanted them to accept her, not resent her.
“Listen here, woman-”
“You did NOT just use that tone with me.”
“For the moment, this is Stitch’s business, and nobody else’s. We need to let him decide how he deals with it. We need to support him when he asks for it, and because I know he’s a stubborn ass motherfucker, who won’t ask until he’s losing his shit, I’m gonna be his fucking rock until he has the balls to ask… fucking hell . I did not just say that. What’s wrong with me? I’m gonna say stupid stuff, and it’s gonna be like kicking him right where it fucking hurts.”
Her face fell, as she picked up the one thing I meant to not tell her.
“No wonder he’s freaking out. He’ll be seeing some stigma where there is none. My god. Okay, here’s what we’ll do. We get me out of here tomorrow. I’ll stay on bed rest like a good fucking patient, and Tori can help me out. You do whatever Stitch needs. And don’t leave him alone for long periods. He’ll dwell on things, and drive himself insane.”
Smart woman. If only I could make the stupid bastard behave smartly too. If I had to drag him to a doctor tomorrow, that was exactly what I’d do.