Chapter 9 #2
Oh god. The debut authors group. Haven is going to be a part of it.
It feels as though someone’s just kicked me right in the belly.
The private Facebook group I’d been so excited to join is going to have my high school bully in it.
I close Twitter and check Facebook, and sure enough, there’s a new post in the group.
Felicity Silver: Omg my good friend Haven finally got to announce her book deal!
! If you think her book sounds good, you’re wrong; it’s a million times better than good, it’s Amazing.
Completely mind-blowing. I was lucky enough to read an early draft of it because we’re each other’s beta readers, and I am telling you, the world is not ready for this brilliance!
@admin, can you send her an invite to join this group?
She’s definitely in the 2020 debut group, and I’ve told her to register to join us plenty of times but she’s really shy so can we please send her an invite?
She is The nicest person ever, I promise!
There are five comments to this post already, all of them along the lines of: Wow! Yes, we need her in our group! One of the comments is by the admin, who said: Thanks for the heads up, Felicity! I have sent her an invite.
My head swims. Darkness creeps into the edges of my vision.
Am I about to faint? I pinch the back of my hand, hard enough to snap me out of whatever this lightheadedness is.
This situation is so unreal that it almost makes me laugh.
Because isn’t that just classic Haven—instead of having to apply to join the group like the rest of us did, to be invited to join?
And also, there’s the rub—her crony vouching for her, telling us all that she is “The nicest person ever.”
A memory of Haven in middle school, telling me “Stay away from me and my friends, you little freak!” slices through my mind like a scythe.
The nicest person ever? I beg to differ.
Another memory, this one of her shoving me away so roughly that it actually jerks the thoughts out of my head and leaves me momentarily disoriented.
Would the nicest person ever do that to a helpless kid?
Pick on her just because she’s a loner? I would be the first to admit that perhaps I’m not like most people, that sure, her calling me a “weirdo” or “loser” isn’t completely inaccurate.
But Haven being referred to as a nice person is so far off the mark it’s not even funny anymore.
Stop this now, I tell myself. I have spent years obsessed with Haven Lee, even after high school ended.
She’s lived rent-free in my head for so long, and it took so much work for me to evict her.
Not fully, obviously, since I spend time now and again to take a look at her Instagram.
“Why carry the weight of her ghost on your shoulders?” my old therapist, Aliyah, said.
“She’s out of your life. Maybe back in school, she had power over you because she was able to bully you, but you’re not in school anymore.
You moved to the other side of the country, even.
So don’t continue giving her power over you.
” I started seeing her the first year I moved here.
Getting therapy was the best decision I’d made for myself.
It was in Aliyah’s office that I took the first steps toward healing myself after the wreckage of high school.
Despite the astronomical cost of therapy, I continued seeing Aliyah for eight months before I felt stable enough to end the sessions.
And now, I have carved out a safe space for myself, and there is nothing Haven can do to ruin it.
Plus, I have the upper hand; I got into the debut group first. Over the past few weeks, I have established myself as a valuable member of the group.
I even have good friends, Lisa and Jenna.
We’ve been emailing each other every day ever since we exchanged manuscripts, and it’s been so nice I could cry, thinking about our wonderful connection.
They say three is a crowd, but I haven’t once felt that way with Lisa and Jenna, and I’m sure they feel the same way about me.
Haven can’t take that away from me. In fact, I should be leaning on them right now. Isn’t that what good friends do?
I open up Gmail and pause, considering my words for a moment before typing: “Hey guys, omg, the craziest thing just happened. My high school bully has a book deal and she’s also going to debut in 2020.” I press “Send” and lean back in my seat, my heart thudding quickly.
Back in middle school, I’d tried confiding in Dani about Haven picking on me. Dani had wrinkled her nose at me and said, “Haven? Picking on you? Are you sure?” And that had been that. I never told anybody else. If even my friend didn’t believe me, who would?
But things are different now, I remind myself.
I’m an adult, and so are Lisa and Jenna, and chances are, neither of them knows Haven in person, so they wouldn’t be exposed to that irresistible Haven charm.
They’ll have my back. I lace my fingers together and grip so tightly that my knuckles stick out.
They have to have my back. They have to.
My phone beeps with a new email, and I grab it as fast as a striking snake.
Jenna: What?! Omg! No way. That’s Awful! I’m so sorry to hear that, Fern.
As I read, a bubble pops up with the words 1 New Message.
Lisa: WTF, what are the chances?? Shit, I hate this for you. Is she joining our debut group??
My tensed muscles melt, and I utter a choked sob-laugh. See, they do have my back. They are truly my friends. I feel like a little kid once more, wanting to run home and shout “Mom, Dad, I made new friends!” Sniffling, I straighten up and write a reply.
Fern: She isssss . I know, it is so weird you guys and I have been freaking out about it.
This girl made my middle and high school years just about the worst time of my life.
She spread ugly rumors about me, when no one was looking she’d shove me and tell me to stay away etc.
I had no friends because of her. No one wanted to go against her.
Jenna: Uggghhh, this is the worst. I’m sorry you went through that. Is there anything we can do? Can we talk to the mods and tell them not to let her into the debut group??
My mouth goes dry at the thought of talking to the mods.
Fern: What would we even say to the mods, though?
I don’t think the fact that she bullied me back in middle and high school is a valid reason to keep her out of the debut group .
. . I mean, for me it is, but the mods will see it differently.
And it’s so long ago, ten years ago now.
They’re not going to keep her out because of that.
Lisa: Yeah, I hate to say it, but I don’t think the mods will keep her out. Even if they wanted to, I don’t think they would. I’m sure they’d empathize with you, but she sounds so cunning, if they were to refuse to let her in, she’ll surely ask why, and then who knows what they’ll tell her?
Fern: Oh god, yeah. I didn’t even think of that. I don’t want her to know that she didn’t get into the debut group because of me. I have no idea what she might do.
Lisa: I had a bully in high school too. I know how these people work.
They’re always studying the crowd like a predator, and just like a predator, they know to pick on the weakest members of the group.
Not saying you’re weak, Fern, but she must have seen something in you that left you vulnerable.
My guess would be the fact that you’re such a sweet, generous person.
Like how you’re always baking for your neighbors and that awful boss of yours, even now.
She must’ve sensed that. Ugh, this bitch. Who is she? I bet her book sucks.
Lisa’s email makes me want to laugh and cry at the same time. I feel so seen by her words. With just one email, Lisa has hit the nail on the head and homed in on the reason Haven picked on me.
Fern: Her name is Haven Lee and I saw that her book got a seven-figure deal, so I doubt it sucks, actually. I bet it’s really good.
Jenna: OMG!!! No Way!! I saw her announcement on Twitter today and I congratulated her!! ARGH, Gross!
Lisa: Oh man, I saw it too and I also congratulated her. I’m sorry Fern, I had no idea she’s your high school bully. Man, this is the worst. Why do good things happen to bad people?
Why indeed. If there was any justice in this world, Haven Lee would’ve been outed as the cruel villain she truly is a long time ago.
But that kind of poetic justice, while it makes for a great ending to a movie, rarely happens in real life.
The Haven Lees of the world will continue strutting confidently into a future so bright it blinds the rest of us, while the Ferns of the world will be left behind to pick up the broken pieces of themselves.
Fern: Yeah, it really sucks. I didn’t even know she was into writing. She never once showed any interest in it back at school. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is I have you guys. It means the world to me to be able to open up to you. I love our little club. It’s my safe space.
Jenna: Awww Fern!! Of course! It’s my safe space too. I’m soooo glad I found you guys too. The debut group is getting too big and overwhelming anyway. Every week there are like ten new people joining and so many new posts I can barely keep up. And now we’re about to switch over to Slack??
Wait, what? Switch to Slack? I’ve heard of Slack a couple of times here and there, and it sounds like the dumbest thing. Why do we need yet another messaging app?
Fern: Ugh, do we have to switch over to Slack? God I hate having to get used to yet another different app.
Lisa: Actually, my workplace uses Slack and it’s pretty cool. You’ll love it. We’ll be able to chat in real time!
Aren’t we already chatting in real time?
I whine to myself. But I would never say that to them.
That’s something that old Fern would say.
Old, pathetic Fern who let herself shrink smaller and smaller to stay out of Haven’s growing light.
But I am grown up now, and I refuse to be left behind in the dark again.
If the group is switching over from Facebook to Slack, then I am going with them.
In fact, I’m going to download Slack right freaking now and familiarize myself with it so I won’t be lost once we make the move. How’s that for proactive?
Speaking of proactive, I need to get ahead of Haven.
She’s caught me off guard with her stupid book announcement, and I can’t let anything like that happen again.
My inner Aliyah says, “Are you letting Haven live rent-free inside your head again?” No, I am not.
There is a difference between obsessing over her without an aim and therefore with no end in sight, and obsessing about her to watch my back.
Whether I like it or not, Haven Lee is back in my life, but this time, I am not going to let her ruin me.