Chapter 27
Age Eighteen
“Why are we here again?” Haven says in a voice dripping with both boredom and derision.
If I had any guts, I would say “Yeah, why are we here again?” in an equally bitchy voice.
But the truth is, when Dani called and asked me to meet up with her at our old hangout—a secret spot at Griffith Park that overlooks the city—I was so happy that I got teary eyed.
And I do mean that literally. My eyes really did fill up with happy tears, and I rushed around my room, trying on various outfits, ranging from fabulous grown-up clothes to ones that screamed: “It’s me! Your real best friend! Remember me?”
Of course, when I got there and saw not just Dani but Haven as well, my mood immediately soured.
Then the dread set in. What if Haven thought up another mean prank to play on me, and this time, Dani is in on it?
I don’t think I would survive that. I’m pretty sure if that were to happen, I’d die of a literal heartbreak.
And that is why I am standing there silently, staring at Dani with wide eyes.
It’s nighttime, sometime after nine, and it’s surprisingly cold out here.
Dani looks somberly at both Haven and me. She’s not smiling, and I guess it’s a good sign because if she were in on a prank, she’d probably be giggling and looking shifty eyed. But her eyes aren’t shifty; they’re glaring straight at us.
“I asked you guys to come out here because I’m tired of whatever bullshit you’ve got going on between the two of you,” she says.
“Excuse me?” Haven says, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
I can’t stop myself from blurting, “She’s the one who’s been targeting me!”
Dani raises a hand. “Whatever. I don’t care who started what. It’s been going on since middle school, guys. It’s gone on way too long. It’s just pathetic now. We’re about to go off to college—”
“You guys are off to college,” I mutter. “I’m off to community college. Thanks to her.” I throw a glare at Haven.
“Stop it!” Dani says. “Just stop! This whole thing has ruined my entire high school experience. It needs to stop!”
I gawp at her. I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from my own best friend.
Well, I guess technically she’s no longer my best friend now, but Dani’s one of the kindest people in the world, and I can’t believe she’s being so callous right now.
It’s ruining her high school experience?
What about my high school experience? Is it my fault that Haven is a cruel person who has it out for me?
Haven looks equally outraged. Her beautiful, flawless face is frozen in an open-mouthed scowl. “I don’t think so,” she says finally.
Dani narrows her eyes at Haven. “I don’t like this side of you, Haven. Everyone thinks you’re this really nice person, and you are! I know you are. So stop doing mean shit to Fern. You’re so much better than this.”
Haven snorts. “Don’t you remember what she did? She’s such a freak, she—”
It’s the f-word that undoes me. The word that Haven has branded me with, the word that has since defined my existence, thrown at me by everyone at school. Freak. God, Fern, you’re such a freak.
Something overcomes me, and before I can stop myself, I lunge at Haven and shove her as hard as I can. My palms smack into her chest, and there is a surreal moment where my mind screams: Oh my god, what am I doing?
Haven stumbles backward, all the anger on her face replaced by pure shock, her eyes and mouth forming perfect circles.
She lands on her butt on the grass with a loud “Oof!” It reminds me of the time I shoved her after she made me drop my cinnamon rolls for the school bake sale, and the moment is so ridiculous, the sight so surreal, that a shrill, cracked laugh barks out of me.
Dani’s head snaps toward me when she hears the laugh, and I know I won’t ever forget that look on her face. It’s like she’s seeing me for the first time, and she doesn’t like what she sees.
“Crazy bitch!” Haven shouts, shoving herself off the ground and pouncing on me.
I’ve never been in a physical fight like this before.
I don’t see the force of it coming, the way my body suddenly feels weightless, the world tipping on its side before I can make sense of anything.
I don’t even register the fact that I’m falling until I hit the ground.
All the air is thumped out of me, and I can’t even catch a breath before Haven smacks me across the face.
Pain explodes in my stomach, and I punch up, hitting something—I don’t know what—I flail, I scream, or maybe someone else is screaming; I don’t know anything anymore.
The world has descended into a whirl of limbs and shouts and an animal instinct to lash out at anything within arm’s length. I lash out, kicking as hard as I can.
Then there’s a different kind of shriek. Not of anger, but of alarm. A sudden scrabbling of shoes trying to gain purchase, then nothing.
I push myself up, my mind whirling from adrenaline and pain and everything else, and it’s only then that I realize how close I am to the cliff’s edge. I scramble away from the cliff, still on my butt. God, that was way too close. I could’ve fallen.
“Did you see that?” I babble. “I could’ve fallen. I—”
I turn to my left. Haven is sitting next to me, her chest heaving, her face frozen in horror as she stares down the cliffside. “Dani,” she whispers.
I look over my shoulder, expecting to see Dani there, but there’s no one around. “Where did she go?” I say stupidly.
Haven’s wide, terrified eyes meet mine. “She fell.”
The wave of dread that rushes over me is so severe that I almost throw up. “What do you—how could she—” My mind flails, trying to piece together the last few moments. I was fighting Haven. Dimly, I register the memory of Dani screaming at us to stop. Then she dove in, trying to pry us apart, and—
“You pushed her,” Haven says.
I gawk at her. “I didn’t. I didn’t even know she was there.
I—” I remember kicking out, and my feet connecting with someone.
Was it Dani? Did I kick her so hard that she lost her balance and tumbled over the edge?
Fear grips my throat, choking me. I might have killed Dani.
Why did I kick out like that? Without even looking where I was kicking and thrashing about?
“I don’t think I pushed her. I don’t know, I—” My voice cracks. Why the hell are we talking about this? “We need to get help. We need to—” I crawl as far to the edge as I dare and call out, “Dani!”
There’s no answer. Around us, the city lights continue glimmering, and right below us, nothing but pitch black.
“Dani!” Haven shouts down. “Can you hear us?” Her voice is swallowed by the unforgiving darkness.
We look at each other, my panic mirrored in her face. “Do you think she’s dead?” I whisper.
Haven shakes her head. “I don’t know.”
“We need to call nine-one—”
When she next speaks, the words that come out of her mouth are “I’m going to Stanford.”
I want to laugh. Because isn’t that just so Haven? “This isn’t the time to show off about Stanford,” I hiss.
Haven’s gaze is laser focused on mine. “Which college are you going to?”
“I’ve told you, Haven.” I shake my head bitterly. Of course Haven, who doesn’t give a shit about me, can’t remember a single thing I say. My life matters so little to her. “None, thanks to you. I didn’t get accepted anywhere. I’m going to attend community college.”
“Okay. Not great, but still way better than prison.”
I blink. “What?”
“Where do you think we’ll end up, Fern?” Haven says. “Prison, that’s where.”
“We didn’t—she was—this wasn’t—” Again, our fight replays in my mind. A complete mess. Haven was the one who pushed Dani, right? Or was it me? I don’t know, and the not knowing kills me. “We can tell them the truth, that this was an accident.”
Haven’s face changes then, all traces of shock and fear suddenly melting away, replaced by a cold, unmoving calm.
“Listen to me, Fern,” she says, and even her voice is different.
Gone is her earlier panic. Her voice is low but full of confidence.
“Even if we don’t end up in prison, no college is going to want either of us if this gets out. No company will ever employ us.”
“But Dani—”
“It was a horrible accident. No point in it destroying our lives as well. She wouldn’t have wanted that.”
My mouth opens, but before I can say anything, Haven talks over me.
“I know what you’re like,” she says. “You can’t help but be this .
. . whatever this is. You want to rush home and tell Mommy and Daddy everything that happened tonight.
But if you do that, you’re the one who’ll regret it.
Trust me.” She goes quiet for a moment, then all of a sudden, she bursts into tears, her beautiful face scrunching up as actual tears roll down her cheeks.
“I didn’t dare tell anyone because I was so scared of what Fern might do to me! ”
I gape at her stupidly. “Wait, what—”
“Everyone knows how . . . odd she is,” Haven continues, drawing in a shaky breath. “Dani tried to warn me. She told me that even when they were kids, she knew there was something wrong with Fern. I just didn’t know she’d be capable of murder.”
“Stop it,” I beg. “Stop!”
Haven stops crying and smirks at me as she wipes at her cheeks daintily. “Meanwhile, you’ll sit there and go, ‘Buh-buh-but—’ Who do you think they’re going to believe? Me, the girl with a bright future ahead of her, or you, the school freak who’s held a grudge against Dani for the last five years?”
“I never held a grudge against Dani!” I cry.
“Didn’t you?” Haven says. “I think I could make a pretty good case to support that. You’re always lurking around her, always watching her . . .”
Because she was my best friend! I want to scream, but I’m out of words. I’m caught in a nightmare I can’t seem to wake up from.
“So,” Haven says, “I’m giving you a chance here, okay? A chance for both of us to walk away from this. Or you could choose to go down in flames, which would be messy and ultimately result in you probably going to prison. I don’t want that, Fern. I don’t have the time nor the patience for it.”
My mind feels like it’s being ripped apart, one side reeling with horror from what’s happened to Dani, and the other reeling with horror from the thought of my ruined future.
Because Haven is absolutely right. Maybe she might be okay, with her affluent parents and her shiny personality, but I sure as hell won’t ever be able to escape the shadow of tonight.
Not if it ever got out that I was involved.
It would definitely mean prison time, and that’s much, much worse than community college.
Not only that, but it would stay on my record for the rest of my life, making it impossible for me to find a good job.
I’d thought that my life was miserable before, but the misery would be nothing compared to what’s in store for me if they blamed me for tonight.
“Nobody can know that we were here,” Haven says.
I feel my head nodding, as though of its own accord. “No one.”
“Did you tell anyone you were coming out here to meet Dani?”
“No.” Who would I tell? I want to say. I have no friends, and my parents don’t give a shit about me. “You?”
“My parents are out of town,” Haven says. “So I didn’t tell them anything.”
We stare at each other for another long moment, and though no words are spoken, it feels like a world of communication is being shared between us.
Understanding settles over us, a silent promise twining itself around us, binding us forever to each other.
If she talks, I talk, and vice versa. And neither of us will come out of this unscathed.
Unless we stay silent and erase ourselves from Dani’s death completely.
Now, as Haven and I sit in the principal’s office, with two officers staring at us, I try my best not to think of last night.
“We’re trying to determine the cause of death,” the officer says. “Is there anything you can tell us that might help us understand how this happened?”
As usual, I am frozen, my mind both silent and also a cacophony of panicked thoughts. Nothing coalesces into a coherent thought. Again and again, the fight replays in my head, and still I can’t discern who pushed Dani over the cliff.
It is Haven’s voice that slices through the noise in my head. “Dani was struggling with a lot of stuff.”
My head snaps up, my shocked gaze locking onto Haven’s face. She pretends not to notice me staring as she continues speaking.
“She was always really hard on herself,” Haven says. “She really wanted to get into Stanford, and she was devastated when she didn’t get in. Maybe it all got too much for her.”
My mouth is gaping. I can’t believe how naturally Haven lies. If I hadn’t been there myself last night, I would’ve believed every word coming out of Haven’s mouth.
The officer notices my expression. “Fern, do you have something to say?”
I close my mouth abruptly. How could I possibly say anything now?
If I did, Haven would tell them I’m a liar, and look what an incredible performer Haven is.
Meanwhile, I have guilt wriggling through me like a worm.
I can’t see anyone believing me over her.
And what would I say, anyway? That we were there last night, and Dani fell?
They’d ask why we didn’t call for help right away, then what?
I look down at my hands. Dani is dead. And the cops believing one story over another changes nothing.
She’ll still be gone. And I don’t have it in me to stand up to Haven. Not now. Probably not ever.
I shake my head. “No.”
“You said Dani was your best friend,” the cop says, leaning forward. “Is it true what Haven said about Dani being stressed out?”
Tears blur my vision as I nod. I hate myself so much. I wish I could trade my life for Dani’s. I am weak. I have always been weak.
The officers thank us for our time, and Haven and I are dismissed. We leave in silence, and when she and I are alone in the hallway, our eyes meet.
“I hope I never see you again,” I say, and I mean every single word.
“Me too,” Haven says, her face hard and cold like a mask. She turns and walks ahead of me, and I, as always, am left staring at her retreating back, my insides coiling with self-hatred.