30. Elijah
As I laid down on the couch, I couldn’t help my mind from racing about the situation with Charlie’s ex. Adam.
My anxiety meant that I played out every single different scenario that could happen. They varied from me sitting down politely with him to killing him. Truthfully, I favoured the latter option. I couldn’t help as well to play out all the potentially bad things that could happen to Charlie and Theo. I felt my chest tighten at the thought of losing either of them. My breathing started to become more erratic. I sat up in an attempt to gasp for air. This was not the time for a panic attack. I lowered my head into my hands and tried to focus on happier thoughts. The frequency of these attacks in the past couple of weeks was starting to grate on me. No matter how hard I tried to pull it together, I continued to fall apart. The intensity of the worry I felt overwhelmed me and I was starting to struggle with even the most basic things in my day to day.
I cast my mind back to earlier in the day to Lucas and Theo messing about. I’ve always thought that Lucas would make a great dad. He has this natural instinct for it and has always lit up the room. I’m not sure that I have that instinct. When Theo’s around I get nervous that it’s obvious I’m not a natural with kids. I find myself wanting Charlie to see potential in me when she is around and not the obvious flaws that I am nothing like my brother. I want Theo to like me, to feel like he can have fun with me and that he is safe. I find myself constantly questioning other people’s feelings about me. Any actions I make, I question them for the rest of the day on whether it was the right call. Did I pay enough attention to Theo? Did I involve myself in enough of the conversation that happened? Was my joke funny?
The more I question my actions the further I find myself retracting into myself. If I keep myself quiet or cold, then people won’t start judging who I really am. I don’t want people to see beyond the mask, beyond what I allowed them to see.
Charlie was starting to become a problem. Every time I was with her, I felt a little part of my mask break off. I found myself wanting to let her in, to see who I really was, the parts of myself I had buried years ago. I worried if I let the mask slip, she wouldn’t like who I was and I’d lose her forever. She had only been in my life a short time, but it crushed me to think of her not being in my life anymore. I wanted her close to me. I needed her.
Since my dad died, my life has been clouded in darkness. If it wasn’t for my family, I would have given up a long time ago. I survived for them.
With Charlie around, for the first time in my life I thought, about more than just my survival. I felt hopeful. That maybe I could have a normal life. That maybe there was more to life than just my duty. I wanted to do more than just go about my day-to-day life, I wanted to live.
I kept my thoughts on Charlie, my mind replaying every moment we have had together as I slowed my breathing down. I thought about the way her hand felt in mine, how calm I felt when she was close to me. Eventually, my breathing returned to normal and I was able to lay down. I allowed the thoughts of Charlie to continue as I drifted off to sleep.
* * *
The sound of Lucas coming down the stairs woke me up the next morning. In his defence, I was still a light sleeper.
“Sorry.” His voice hushed as he sat on the other couch.
“Don’t worry, you off already?” He nodded.
“I have a lot of paperwork I need to get done.” He sighed. I could see in his eyes he hadn’t slept very well.
“You really need to hire someone else to do that.”
“Cathleen does some of it for me.” He shrugged.
“Someone full-time, Lucas.” My voice was stern; I wasn’t afraid of pulling my older brother voice out when I needed to. He ignored me and continued to lace up his boots. I don’t know what it would take to get him to slow down. I know I was a big hypocrite in that department, but he had more going for him than I did. Lucas was husband and dad material. He deserved to have his happy ever after, unlike me. I didn’t deserve anything close to the sort. Not after everything I had done. I felt that tightness in my chest again and attempted to shrug it off.
“Tell Charlie and Theo I said bye when they wake up,” he said as he headed towards the door. I nodded in response as I stood up to go make myself a coffee.
My mind suddenly remembered that Charlie was upstairs.
Not only, that she was upstairs in my bed. I couldn’t help but enjoy that thought. Charlie Miller was not only in my house, but in my bed right now. Okay, maybe not in the capacity I would like her to be, but she’s there.
A little while after Lucas left, I heard footsteps on the stairs and turned around to see Theo making his way down cautiously.
“You okay, bud?” I asked turning in my seat.
He nodded as he made it to the last step. “Yeah, Mommy’s still sleeping.” I watched as he looked around the living room. “Can I have some juice?”
“Sure,” I said, getting up from my seat. I make my way into the kitchen with Theo close behind. “Do you want something to eat, too? Maybe some pancakes?” I started to look around the kitchen, hoping I had the ingredients to go through with my suggestion.
“Yeah!” Theo’s eyes lit up at the prospect of pancakes. “Can I help? I always help Mommy make them.” I pulled up a chair next to me and helped him onto it.
“Sweet or savoury?” The correct answer was sweet, but I asked anyway.
“Sweet, obviously.” He rolled his eyes.
“Obviously,” I mused with a laugh. I knew I liked this kid. I pulled out all the ingredients and placed them on the counter in front of us. I helped Theo pour everything into the mixing bowl.
My childish instinct kicked in and I couldn’t resist flicking flour at him, enticing a loud giggle from him. I had met my match, however, as he immediately grabbed a handful and threw it straight at my mouth. I half laughed and half choked in response.
What happened next can only be described as chaos as several more handfuls of flour were thrown from both sides. I grabbed hold of him, lifting him off the chair and turning him upside down as I tickled him. He attempted to shout at me to stop in between laughs.