Chapter Five #3
Memories of the night Jake’s best friend Brandon met Denise, an actress from a BET sitcom who was in town filming a movie.
Denise, who would come in and out of Brandon’s life until she was the sun he orbited, until Jake’s jealousy boiled over and he destroyed the relationship that had meant the very most to him.
Standing under a powerful jet of hot water, Jake closed his eyes and was there again in a ragged heartbeat. He could hear the thumpa-thumpa of relentless dance music, the rippling buzz of shouted conversations throughout the bar.
Could feel the heft of another pint of beer in his hand, condensation on his palm, chasing the salt and lemon of too many tequila shots. His jeans tight and the sleeves on his button-up rolled to his elbows in the humidity that came from too many drunk people in close proximity.
The sticky table on the horseshoe-shaped back booth was too low for his long legs, his knees bumping against it as he watched Brandon elbow his way onto the crowded dance floor and make a beeline for the tall African-American woman with legs for days and a thousand-watt smile…
The colored lights circling over Brandon’s dark skin, his own smile a flash of white, his eyes crinkling, head thrown back in the laughter that came so easily to him.
The hopeless, helpless yearning burning through Jake, a low, ever-present pilot light catching fire when he let down his guard, when he allowed himself the luxury of really looking.
“Does he know?”
Blinking, Jake tore his gaze from Brandon to find Diego sitting beside him, a fresh pint in his hand and black shirt unbuttoned to his sternum. “Huh?”
One eyebrow raised, Diego looked pointedly at Brandon grinding up on the actress. “I’ll probably get punched for this, and maybe I’m completely out to lunch, but sometimes the way you look at him makes me think…”
Jake’s mouth went dry, bile rising in his throat.
He gripped his pint glass. “That’s not… What?
He’s my best friend. I’m not—Why? No. You think we’re…
” A panicked hamster spun on its wheel, Jake’s heart in his throat.
He jerked his head left and right, but they were surrounded by walls in the back corner, the closest booths empty in favor of the dance floor or patio out front.
“When you don’t think anyone’s watching, or you’re too drunk to notice, you get this look around him.”
A pathetic attempt at a laugh limped out. “So, you think I’m what? In love with him?”
“Is that so crazy?” Diego asked kindly.
He sputtered, “Of course it is!” and gulped the rest of his beer, still clutching the glass when it was empty, staring at the remaining foam residue.
“Hey, I’m sorry. I was clearly out of line.” Diego laughed. “My new brother-in-law’s gay, so apparently I think I’m an expert now or some shit. Forget I said anything.”
Of course Jake couldn’t forget a damn thing. Did other people suspect? Could they tell? If they could, how long until Brandon figured it out? The waitress came and said something with a cheery smile, and Jake nodded, relinquishing his glass and hoping she was bringing another.
His left leg was jammed against a bolt under the table, digging into his kneecap, and he focused on the discomfort, trying to get a handle on himself before he said—
“He doesn’t know.”
Jake wasn’t positive he’d actually uttered the words aloud, but in his peripheral vision, Diego’s head turned, and he leaned in, smelling of pine and maybe lemons.
“Hey man, it’s okay. Shit, Fitz, breathe!”
His lungs couldn’t expand, a tunnel of black closing in on his field of vision. Diego shook his shoulder, and Jake managed to suck in enough air for the blackness to recede. The hamster was still on its wheel, spinning frantically, each step more useless than the last. “Can everyone tell?”
“No, no. Not at all. I swear.”
Then there was a glass of water in his hand and Diego was saying something else to the waitress, and it was probably for the best Jake hadn’t been granted another beer. He guzzled the cool water, ice cubes clinking against his teeth. “I’m fucked, D.”
“It’s okay. Just breathe. And drink more water.”
“He’s my best friend. I tried not to feel this, but…fuck. Most of the time it’s fine. I can ignore it.”
“Yeah, but you can only ignore something like this so long. Maybe you should talk to him.”
Jake whirled in the booth, a burst of pain from his jammed knee and blood rushing in his ears over the DJ’s bass. “No fucking way. Never. It’ll ruin everything. Look, you can’t say a word. No one can know, least of all him. Jesus, if anyone finds out—”
Diego raised his hands. “I won’t say a word. And—shit, here he comes.”
Yes, there was Brandon strutting toward the table with the actress on his arm and two other women behind him. “Here we are, ladies, we found the party.”
Jake was frozen, watching them slide into the booth, and the horror must have been stark on his face because Brandon’s smooth smile faltered, his brows drawing together as he leaned over the table and whispered, “You good?”
The thought of playing nice with the girls and pretending his heart wasn’t beating outside his body for everyone to see, his pathetic feelings splashed all over the sticky table, was torture, but Jake nodded. Thank God Diego was tugging his arm from the other side of the booth.
“We hate to be buzzkills, but I have to call my wife, and Fitz promised to run some extra drills with me in the morning. I need to work on my throw to home plate.”
“What? Come on,” Brandon wheedled. “You’re really going to leave me alone here? Defenseless?”
The women laughed, and Jake waved, following Diego through the crush of bodies, profoundly grateful for the fresh night air when they escaped the bar.
Sweat slicked his skin, his collar damp, pulse thready.
He put one foot in front of the other until he and Diego were turning the corner, the thump of the bar fading into the drone of traffic.
“Hotel’s just another block,” Diego assured him.
Jake’s head spun, stomach revolting against all the tequila. “Thank you. I…”
“Anytime. And don’t worry. Your secret’s safe with me.”
And it had been, almost seven years later. They hadn’t played together much longer in Philly, and as Jake toweled dry and dressed in jeans and a tee, he realized he didn’t even know how many kids Diego had now, only that he had at least two.
But Diego welcomed him with nothing but warmth, ushering him to the small table in the suite’s living area. “You’re just in time. Our lumberjack specials await. Apparently lumberjacks eat three kinds of breakfast meat and a ton of eggs, FYI.”
“Good to know.” Jake took a sip of orange juice. “How are you holding up?”
Diego’s cheeks puffed out as he exhaled noisily. “Okay, I guess. It’s good to talk to someone in the same boat.”
“What did Liz say?”
He smirked. “Let’s just say it was nothing I’d repeat in polite company. So I can tell you that the term cum-guzzling thundercunts was bandied about.”
Jake laughed. “Remind me never to get on Liz’s bad side.”
“No worries. You being up here with me is a huge plus. She figures if I hang with you, I won’t be out at the bar with groupies hitting on me.”
Jake’s smile became strained. “So she knows?” It wasn’t like it was a complete secret. Jake’s family in the UK and some of his mother’s close friends knew. Ron and his husband. Diego, and apparently his wife.
“Yes.” Diego grimaced. “I’m sorry. It was years ago.
You were supposed to come for dinner, and she wanted to set you up with one of her girlfriends.
She wouldn’t let it go, and I figured it was better to tell her than subject you to a surprise blind date with a woman. Liz has never told a soul, I swear.”
“It’s okay.” He exhaled. It really was. “I don’t want my personal life to be public knowledge, but friends knowing is fine. I realize people must wonder. Thirty-four, unmarried, doesn’t party at the bars, never seen with a girlfriend.”
“Yeah. I think we’ve all had teammates that we wonder about. Does anyone ever ask?”
“Sometimes, in roundabout ways. Never directly. I just say I’m enjoying being single. It’s the truth. Or at least a truth.”
“That makes sense.” Diego buttered a piece of toast. “So did you see your trade coming?”
“Nope. The owner and GM promised they’d keep me in the loop. Not so much, it turns out. I know it’s business, but after so many years, I guess I thought a handshake meant something. It just would have been nice to get a little notice.”
“Yeah, I was blindsided too. Liz and I are both from Fort Worth, so our families are freaking. I had one trade provision on my contract, so this was it. I’m going to be up here for six years.
Now Liz and I have to decide if we move her and the kids up too.
They’d have to change schools, and we’d stay year round.
I’ve heard Ottawa winters are a little tougher than the ones in Texas. ”
Jake held his fingers up an inch apart. “Just a tiny bit.”
Diego pushed around his scrambled eggs. “I really don’t know what to do.
If Liz and the kids stay in Houston, they’ll be a lot closer to our folks.
Liz’s mom moved down there last year and got a condo nearby.
She helps out so much, and we’ve got a good system going.
If we move up here, we don’t know anyone.
No family. I know we’ll make friends, but it’s not the same.
How’s it been for you living in the States all these years? ”
“It’s been good. I still talk to my mom a lot, but my dad didn’t have any family, and hers is in England. Obviously she’s thrilled I’ll be so much closer now.”
“I bet. Silver lining, huh?”