Chapter Twelve
Nico’s heart leapt at the rap on the door.
It was still early, although with an afternoon game, the usual daily routine was shortened.
He was in shorts and a tee, ready to head to the stadium for his customary pregame massage and physio.
But maybe Jake was back. Maybe he missed him.
Nico knew he was mooning, but couldn’t wipe the smile off his face as he opened the door.
Valentina’s eyebrows shot up. “Wow, I didn’t think you’d be this happy to see me at nine o’clock in the morning.” Her long curls were pulled back in a ponytail, and she wore a Chicago jersey, shorts, and sandals. She was half a foot shorter than him, and he stared down at her, trying to process.
Ducking her chin, she glanced at her shirt. “Sorry, but you know Dad would murder me if I showed up to the game in anything red and white.” Looking left and right, she whispered, “But I’m secretly rooting for the Caps. Wearing red undies.”
He laughed. “Thanks? What are you doing here? Not that it’s not nice to see you.
” It would have been nicer if Jake had been sneaking back for a quickie, but since they’d blown each other before Jake had crept down to his room in the wee hours, maybe four rounds in twelve hours would be pushing it.
A thrill sparked at the memory of Jake’s mouth around him, and how he’d swallowed every drop of Nico’s cum…
The memory cascaded into flashes of Jake on top of him, so wonderfully heavy and hairy, rough but gentle too, the pain and incredible fullness—
Nico realized Valentina had been talking, and now she was looking at him, eyebrows sky high again. He said, “Huh?”
“Are you okay?” She frowned. “Are you… If you’re not alone, I can just leave these and see you after the game.”
“Leave what? And no one’s here.”
She smiled tentatively, hoisting a white paper bag. “Okay, so do you want to let me in? I brought donuts.”
“Oh. Thanks.” He stepped back, heart skipping as he realized what a mess the bed was.
“Is there a—awesome, I figured there’d be a coffee machine.” She went to the desk and pawed through the pods. “Can I have the dark French roast?”
“Sure.” Shit, shit, shit—was the condom in the garbage over there? Not that a condom meant anything gay. At dinner, he’d been sure Val knew, but did she? And did it matter if she did? His mind whirled, pulse racing.
“Do you have to get going? You don’t really work out much the day after you pitch, right?”
“Not a ton. I’ll do a flush run and some shoulder stuff. Trainer gives me e-stim and ultrasound on my arm.”
“Flush run? Does that have anything to do with the toilet?” Valentina held out her hand. “No, forget I asked.”
He chuckled. “It’s just a jog. I usually do half an hour. Flushes out the lactic acid and clears my head.” Although he could probably run the perimeter of Lake Michigan today and still be thinking so many things at the same time it was impossible to get a handle on any of it.
“Ah. In that case, eat your donut. Powdered jelly, right? I brought a few.”
He blinked. It had been his post-start tradition since high school. “Yeah. How did you know?”
“I’m your sister.” She put a cup under the coffee machine spout.
Nico joined her at the desk and unrolled the bag, moaning softly as he bit into still-warm dough, strawberry jelly sweet on his tongue, white powder dusting his lips. “I didn’t think you noticed, or whatever.”
Her brows drawn into a V, she asked, “Why would you say that?”
“You’re older. You were busy with your own shit. It’s fine, Val. I wasn’t trying to give you a hard time.” He lifted the half-eaten donut. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.” She eyed the coffee machine, the dark liquid pouring out now in a steady stream. “I notice a lot of things.”
Stomach clenching, Nico forced himself to have another bite, the sweetness like chalk in his mouth now. Were they actually going to talk about this?
Still watching the coffee, Valentina casually said, “I went up to your room last night while Dad and Marco were watching the game and Nonna was scrubbing pots because she refuses to use that massive dishwasher even though that’s what it’s for.”
Nico squashed the remains of the donut in his fist, throat going dry.
Looking him straight in the eye, she calmly said, “It sounded like you and Fitz were having sex.”
“I… We…” His face had to be beet red, the heat followed by a full-body chill.
Valentina stirred sugar into her coffee. “Has that been going on long?”
He shook his head.
“I really like Fitz. He’s a great guy. So are you gay?”
Ears ringing, Nico managed to nod. Then he thought of Jake getting him to talk, and croaked, “Yes.”
His sister smiled—smiled!—and put down her cup before squeezing his upper arms. “Thank you for telling me. Not that I gave you much choice. You know I love and support you, right?”
Nodding, he unclenched his fist and laughed slightly hysterically at the sticky mess. First aloe and cum, now a jelly donut. “I’ve got to…” He hurried to the bathroom and scrubbed his hands clean.
Valentina leaned in the doorway. “I always thought maybe, but I wasn’t sure. Have you… Have there always been guys? On the downlow?”
“No. Only Jake.”
“Really? But not…” She stood up straight, going rigid. “Tell me nothing happened back in the day. You were still a baby.”
“Of course not. I had a massive crush on him, but nothing ever happened. He had no idea.”
She exhaled. “Oh, thank God. I was going to have to strongly revise my ‘great guy’ evaluation. Then go down the hall and punch him in the nuts.”
“Yeah, please don’t do that.” He wiped his hands on a towel and leaned back against the counter.
“So Fitz is gay too.” At Nico’s nod, she asked, “Have you guys been hooking up for long?”
“No.” He was still getting used to the idea, and the surrealness of discussing it with his sister made him squirm. But he was an adult. He could handle this.
“Did you like being with girls before? Sorry, I know this is weird. I just want to understand. And I’m your nosy big sister, so deal with it.”
Nico smiled. “With girls it was… It wasn’t what I wanted, but I was trying. I thought maybe if I tried hard enough… If one of the Jennys was perfect enough, then I could make it work. Then I could not be queer.”
Her face pinched in sadness, Valentina asked, “Jennys?”
“I just mean the girls I’ve hooked up with. The last one was named Jenny. The ones before… I don’t even remember their names. It’s shitty, I know. I’m an asshole.”
“I’m not saying that. You were—maybe confused is the wrong word. But you were hurting, right? And I know why. I know exactly why.”
“Yeah.” Picking up the hand towel, he twisted it. “They’ll never accept it.”
“You don’t know that. They don’t understand. I think if they realized gay people aren’t this other, this nameless, faceless them, then they’d start to see. They love you, Nic. They’re ignorant. I’m not saying it’s an excuse, but we can teach them.”
“No way. Dad’ll hate me even more than he does already.”
She jerked. “What are you talking about? Dad doesn’t hate you. That’s crazy.”
“Of course he does.” He shrugged. “I’d hate me too.”
“But he doesn’t know you’re gay. I really don’t think he does. So whatever narrative you’ve dreamed up, it’s in your head.”
“Not because I’m gay.” Nico unfurled the towel before twisting it the other way as if he was wringing it out. “Because I killed her.”
“Who?” The confusion on Val’s face transformed into horror, her eyes wide as she flattened her palm on her chest. “Mom? Is that what you’re saying? You think… You think that was your fault?”
Throat unbearably tight, he shrugged. “Yeah. Of course.”
“What? ‘Of course’? No, Nic. Not of course! Not even a tiny bit! Why are you saying this?”
“Because it’s true.” He shook his head in confusion. “You know it is.”
“No! I don’t know any such thing!” She was suddenly in his face, gripping his shoulders. “Mom died of cancer.”
“Because she got sick when she was pregnant with me. She had to be in bed the whole time. She never got better.”
“She was on bed rest because she had preeclampsia. It had nothing to do with the cancer. It was a coincidence. Nothing more. Look at me. Do you hear me? It was not your fault.”
“But it was.” How could she not see it?
Valentina breathed hard. “Did someone tell you that? Who said that? Who made you believe this bullshit? Dad can be a real asshole, but he wouldn’t. God, he didn’t, did he?”
“No.”
“Then who?” She shook him with surprising strength.
“No one. I just always knew.”
Her eyes flooded with tears. “You’ve thought this all along?
All this time? It’s not true. It wasn’t your fault.
She had bad luck. It was no one’s fault.
Do you know how happy she was to have you?
Early on, the doctors thought she should terminate, but she wouldn’t.
She loved you so much. She laid in that bed day in and day out for months, and she never complained.
She couldn’t wait to meet you. We were all excited.
And when she got sick after, it really fucking sucked, but it was not your fault, and we never blamed you. ”
Eyes burning, he tried to speak. “But she had cancer down there. Maybe if she hadn’t had me, they would have found it earlier.”
Valentina shook him again. “It had nothing to do with you or the pregnancy. Nothing. Do you hear me? Why would you think that?”
“I don’t remember. I really don’t. It was just always something I knew. Like the sky being blue. It just…was.”
Tears slipped down her cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault at all. Do you believe me?”
Looking down into her glistening green eyes, something crumbled inside Nico, a hard knot becoming dust. “I believe you.” His breath stuttered. “But why didn’t we talk about her? If it wasn’t because of me?”
“Because we’re emotionally fucking repressed. Dad and Nonna wouldn’t even say her name, and the rest of us were afraid to. We’re fucked up. But we never blamed you, Nic. We’re not that fucked up.” Going up on her tiptoes, she wrapped her arms around him, and Nico hugged her back.
She smelled like baby powder and coffee and Val, and he inhaled deeply.
“I can’t believe you’ve been carrying all this around.” She sniffled. “Christ, that breaks my heart.”
He blinked back tears. “I’m fine.”
“Oh, Nic.” Valentina held on tighter, and they stood like that by the sink for a long moment.
It wasn’t my fault.
Maybe it should have been harder to accept, but his worldview was shifting like a kaleidoscope after having sex with Jake, so he rolled with it. God, he was so tired of fighting.
Easing back, Nico gave her a smile, hardly having to work at it. “I’m fine. You don’t have to worry.”
“I’m going to anyway.” She ran her pinky finger under her eyelids, blinking at the ceiling rapidly. “Waterproof mascara put to the test.”
“You look beautiful.”
Holding his chin, she kissed his cheek. “So do you. Jake Fitzgerald’s a lucky man.”
It was still super weird that they were talking about it out loud. We had sex. I got fucked. I’m not an ass virgin anymore. That’s probably not even a thing. But it was how he felt. “I’m lucky too. I never thought…” He realized he was grinning.
“You really like him, huh?” She tugged his hand. “Come on, let’s eat the rest of the donuts.”
Nico followed, and they sat on the end of the bed, scarfing down the treats and licking powdered sugar from their fingers like they were kids again.
“Have you thought about telling Dad and Nonna? Marco?” She rolled her eyes. “He’s so clueless, I swear. But he loves you. We all do.”
“I always assumed I’d never do anything, so there was no reason to tell.”
“You mean you didn’t plan on being with any guys? Not ever?”
“That was the plan.” It seemed ludicrous now, impossible. “Then Jake came to Ottawa, and then—” He shifted uncomfortably. “Then something happened, and I thought maybe one day.”
“You don’t have to wait. We can sit down with them tonight and—”
“Tonight?” His breath caught. “Not tonight. I can’t.”
“Okay. That’s fair. But hey, you’re staying around during the all-star break, right? It’s only a few days. Stay. I’m not saying you have to tell them, but we can hang. No pressure. And whenever you’re ready, I’ll be there. Okay?”
“Okay.” He leaned into her shoulder briefly, and she leaned back.
“I wish Ian wasn’t away at that conference. You’ve barely met him.”
“You’ll be married to him forever, so we’ll make up for lost time eventually.”
She laughed softly. “Well, forever’s the idea. Oh, hey! Fitz is already coming to my wedding, so that works out. I swear, I didn’t even realize. Clearly I’m brilliant. You’re welcome.” She brushed white powder off her dark shorts. “So, are you guys serious? Are you in looove?”
Shoving another bite of donut in his mouth, Nico rolled the questions around in his mind. He hoped the answer to the first question was yes. He knew it was to the second.
Sitting there with his sister, jelly dripping down his chin, he thought of Jake—the tenor of his laugh, the clear blue of his steady gaze, his reassuring presence.
Jake’s strong hands calling the signs and catching everything Nico hurled at him, those same hands firm and demanding on Nico’s body, sometimes tender, but always reliable. Always helping.
Simply nodding, certainty flowed deeper with each beat of his heart. Nico was a hundred and ten percent in love.