Chapter 48
INEZ
48
The train ride is a long one, giving me plenty of time to get my head back in the game. I do my best to compartmentalize, painstakingly tucking away my thoughts of Nolan and Stella as I focus on what I need to do tonight.
I just sacrificed the life I love more than anything, so failing at this audition is not an option.
I make it to the venue in New York about an hour before my evening time slot.
Stepping into the waiting room, I see a handful of other actors, some radiating confidence, others struggling with their nerves like me. There are a few people who seem to be members of the film crew, too. I try to ignore the impostor syndrome that tries to grip me.
I deserve to be here. I belong. I can do this. At least that’s what Nolan made me believe.
I have a tiny inclination to chitchat a bit, to see if anyone has the inside scoop or to maybe even network with others here in case this goes belly up. But after a smile and a few hellos, I decide to just keep to myself.I’m not in the right headspace to fake a jovial mood right now.
Instead, I use this time to visualize my upcoming performance. I’ve already rehearsed every line of this episode, so much so that the words feel natural. Now, I just shut my eyes and step into character.
I’m Charlotte Gates.
I’m a young widower in the early 20th century.
I’m intelligent and strong, but I’m overwhelmed with a consuming loneliness.
And I loathe the pigheaded, handsome aristocrat who owns my farm. Well, right up until I don’t loathe him anymore…
I pace the waiting room, reminding myself who I am, over and over, until my name is called.
It’s my turn.
I’m ready.
Still, my heart starts racing. When doubt starts to creep up on me, I remind myself of Nolan’s words. “Any time you’re doubting yourself, just think of me. Just think of me and how much I believe in you, and how much I love you. Can you promise me that?”
And suddenly, I’m not so afraid anymore.
I shake out my arms and hands, and then I walk down the hall and into the audition room. It’s just a large space with a camera, a casting director, a casting associate and a reader who will play opposite me in a scene of their choosing.
This is my time to shine.
After introducing myself, I take a deep breath and dive into the scene the director picked, embodying Charlotte’s character and delivering her lines with the emotion and conviction of a woman who’s fighting for her home. A woman who’s overcome with despair at yet another setback.
The moment I utter Charlotte’s first line, my nerves melt away. I’m in my element. This is what I came here to do, this is what I sacrificed everything for.
In this moment, Inez Machado fades away. I am Charlotte Gates.
The reader is nothing like Nolan—who worked tirelessly with me on this exact scene a dozen times—but I still manage to meld into my role, and work with what I’m given, feeling it out as I go. It’s downright exhilarating to bring Charlotte to life.
When I’m done, they thank me and let me know the schedule for possible call backs.They’re all kind and smiling, but they manage to give nothing away.
I’m pretty sure I did well, but I can’t tell for certain. Acting is an art that can be subjective, at best.
When I walk out of the audition room, my adrenaline is still pumping. I feel energized, really.Relief pours through me, only for a second.
Because now the waiting game begins.
Other cast members who have already locked in a part on the show, as well as fellow auditioners crowd around me when I get back to the waiting room to gather my things.
“Oh my gosh!”
“You’re Inez, right? You so freaking nailed that.”
“You were watching?” I ask them, confused.
“Hell yeah, we’re watching.” The girl points to one of the film crew members. “He has the live feed access.”
I chuckle nervously. “Okay, I’m glad I did not know that earlier.”
“You were the best Charlotte we’ve seen all day.”
“Seriously, there is no way you didn’t get the part.”
My heart swells with excitement. I was most definitely not expecting that. I thank them all for their kind feedback.
I’m scared to get my hopes up, but the way they all keep talking, it sure sounds like I’m going to get this part in the upcoming season of A Maiden Fond of Mischief.
“Oh! Can I show you the dress the costume designer has already started? I swear, you’re going to be perfect for this look.” One of the crew members pulls out her tablet and shows me a folder of images. “Seriously, girl. Your boobs. Your waistline. Your hair. It’s like this wardrobe was entirely designed around you and you alone.”
I’m downright giddy. The costumes are amazing. I’d be honored to just play dress up in them. But wearing them on camera, day after day, while getting to embody Charlotte’s character on the small screen? That’s a dream I never dared to dream.
There’s a small group going out for drinks afterward. They invite me to tag along. But I end up going back to my hotel room alone.
I’m flattered that they’d invite me. I’m still the girl who has always felt like an outsider. But after everything that’s happened today, I’m exhausted. And even though the crew seems pretty confident that I’m going to get the part, I realize that I don’t really feel like celebrating at all.Because nothing feels right.
Without Stella…
Without Nolan…
Without Karli and Nicky and Daphne and Layla…
There’s just no one here I want to share this moment with.
This aching emptiness fills me. To be honest, it’s not the feeling that I was expecting.
As I get in the back of a taxi and ride from the audition venue to my Manhattan hotel, I can only imagine celebrating with Nolan. Sharing the stories of today. Unloading my excitement and lingering nervousness.
But he’s hundreds of miles away, probably already tucked into bed after a long day.Heck, there’s a good chance that his ex has already sunken her claws into him. That idea hurts even more. It makes me question everything.
I know that this show is a great opportunity. It’s everything, in terms of advancing my career. But a part of me yearns for Nolan’s presence. A part of me wonders if he's really happy for me. A part of me wishes I was back home in his arms.
Instead, I’m here in my stiff hotel bed, staring out at the city lights below. All alone.Wondering if I made the right choice, if this sacrifice was even worth it.
New York—no matter how rich and vibrant and alive the city is—feels a lot colder without Nolan by my side.