Chapter 51
INEZ
51
Today was both mentally and physically exhausting. With each day that passes, I’m learning that the amount of behind-the-scenes work that the crew and cast members go through to create a show is unbelievable.
But, I still wouldn’t trade this experience for anything.Well, except for…Don’t think about him, Inez.
I can’t lie to myself. I want to go home.
Home isn’t a particular address on the map. Home is Nolan’s arms around my shoulders like a blanket and my face nuzzled into the curve of his neck. Home is Stella’s happy giggles across the dinner table.
I’m losing my mind. I can’t even keep a sane train of thought without daydreaming about the old couch that smells like Nolan’s mild laundry detergent and woodland deodorant.
But I make my best efforts to stay in the present moment. Every person who’s part of this television series is on site today. There’s so much rehearsing to do before the show even starts filming.
The day’s schedule is jam packed. Practicing the right dialect and accents. Choreographing fight scenes. Completing read-through after read-through with the cast. Sitting through endless director’s meetings.
They even have me performing ‘emotional recall’, which is a technique where I have to mentally put myself in painful memories again and again, so that I can get into the headspace of my character.
Well, every time I need to dig deep down for a reason to cry, I just think back to Nolan’s facial expression as I stepped on that train, and I burst into inconsolable tears.
It’s so draining.
By the time the long day has come to an end, I’m completely mentally out of whack. I stumble off set and I’m not even sure I could confirm which way is up at this point, let alone trying to distinguish left from right. All I want is a bubble bath and a bowl of ice cream.
I check my phone as I stumble over to the catering table, grabbing one final limp sandwich for the day. I have a bunch of new notifications on the screen.
But my heart sinks when I see that there’s still no message from Nolan. The last time I texted him, he claimed that he couldn’t talk because he was in the middle of a rush at the bar. I know he wasn’t lying but still, it hurts that he hasn’t picked up our conversation ever since.
So much for, “I will always love you”. So much for, “I’m rooting for you, no matter how much distance separates us.” So much for, “I will always be supporting you and loving you.”
Turns out his words were just a load of bullshit in the end. This is so disappointing. So heartbreaking.
Nolan is avoiding me. He’s done with me. That makes my soul hurt.
That’s why I didn’t bother to reach out to him when I snuck into Starlight Falls for Stella’s piano recital. He wants his space, he’s ready to move on and I don’t want to be pushy, even though I miss him so much.
It was a little bit crazy, taking my one free day this week to go back, just to see Stella perform. But I just had to be there for my girl. She did such a great job at her recital and I’m so proud of her.
I would have loved to see her up close, to give her a kiss and the biggest hug. But I wouldn’t have survived a face-to-face encounter with Nolan. I would have shattered into a million heartbroken little pieces. That’s why I stayed at the back of the auditorium and I slipped out the minute Stella’s performance was over.
Now, I’m back in New York, back in my new reality. I’m struggling to keep up a brave face.
A few of my castmates catch up to me after we’re dismissed for the night.
“Hey! We’re going out for drinks. You coming?” the actress who plays my younger sister in the show asks.
“Oh, I, um…” I fumble for an excuse.
“Of course she’s coming. Everybody’s coming,” another girl says as the group of them crowd around me.
I shuffle on my feet, giving an apologetic smile. “Thank you for the invite. Really. But I’m not up for it tonight. Maybe tomorrow?” I take a tiny bite of my stale sandwich.
There’s some boo-ing and disappointment at my response.
I feel bad for turning them down yet again. I’m fortunate that all my coworkers are really nice. Not so long ago, I craved female companionship and genuine friendships. Now, here I am, rejecting all their efforts to get to know me.
“Why the constant doom-and-gloom look, girl?” someone asks.
“Yeah! You should be thrilled, having a role in this awesome show. And the role of Charlotte at that? God, I’d kill for that spot.”
The actor who plays my love interest leans into me. “She totally would. Sleep with one eye open,” he stage-whispers with a wink.
I laugh. “Oh, I’m over the moon to be on this show. Promise. Cross my heart.” I make the gesture across my chest before admitting, “This was just all kind of sudden, and I’m feeling a little homesick.”
My castmates share a glance.
“Why do I have a feeling there’s a guy involved?” someone jokes.
I pull in a breath. “There is. I mean, there was. And I miss him so much. But…it’s over now. We ended it when I left to come on the show.”
They share glances again, but this time, they all look confused.
“Why did you end it?”
Feeling self-conscious about sharing my business with these strangers, I gnaw on my lip. “The distance. The time apart.”
“But you said you’re from Starlight Falls, right?” my on-screen sister asks, her forehead scrunched in concern.
“I am.” I nod.
“Well, we shoot most of the actual season right outside of Reyfield,” she informs me.
I blink at her stupidly.
Someone else chimes in. “Once all this pre-production stuff is done, we’ll be filming on the Wilkinson farm in Reyfield.That’s not too far from your hometown, right?”
“What? N-no,” I stammer.
We shoot most of the show less than two hours from my town? How did I not know that?The train passes right through Reyfield on its way to Starlight Falls.
Apparently I studied and memorized everything about the show, except for the important logistics.
“I…Wow. I did not know this bit of information.”
“And despite all that, just because you’re filming a TV show doesn’t mean you can’t have a happy relationship,” my character’s love interest speaks up. “My family lives all the way in freaking Arizona, and my husband and I still make it work.”
“Yeah, my boyfriend of five years lives in Kansas. Thank god for video calling and phone sex,” one of the supporting actresses says and everyone laughs.
I shake my head as if waking up from a haze. They’re right. Of course Nolan and I can make it work. Even despite the distance.
And now I have to admit the truth to myself. All this time, we’ve been making up excuses instead of just admitting to each other that we’re scared. Scared of making the commitment, scared of putting in the work, scared of really, truly laying our hearts on the line.
Jeez-sus. All of a sudden, my brain is in overload. I have so much to process.
“You guys are so right. Thank you for talking some sense into me.” I laugh embarrassedly as the truth continues to sink in.
“So does that mean you’ll come out with us?” one of the other actors asks hopefully.
I chuckle some more. “You guys go on without me tonight. I’m dead on my feet. And I have a lot to think about.” I know I need to join in on more of the cast bonding activities, but I already spent nearly fifteen hours with them today. I’m all bonded out.
I hear a few defeated sighs rise up in the crowd.
“Okay, we’re letting you off the hook tonight. But next time, we’re dragging you into the nightclub by your ponytail if we have to.” My on-screen sister bumps her shoulder into mine, grinning even though her threat sounds very, very real.
I smooth my hand over my threatened hair follicles. “Me and my ponytail will come to the nightclub willingly next time. Promise.”
Laughing, they all file off, thankfully not putting up much more of a fight.
While they head out to grab a taxi, I go back to my hotel room. This building isn’t in the best part of Manhattan and I’ve seen my share of sketchy personalities hanging around the premises. But it definitely beats a lot of the places I lived growing up, so I won’t complain.
After raiding the minibar, I crash on the giant, empty bed and check my phone again. Still nothing from Nolan. But I respond to a text I received from Thalia. There’s also a bunch of new notifications from the group chat with the girls back in Starlight Falls.They sent me a few texts earlier this morning, asking me about the show and how everything is going.
Daphne: Hey girl. Just checking in.
Nicky: How are rehearsals?
Layla: When do you actually start filming? You must be so excited!
Karli: We’re excited FOR you!!!
Layla: Karli still hasn’t shut up about you. She’s talking about you to anyone who will listen.
I laugh. These girls are too much. But also, I miss them fiercely. Rolling over on the bed, I respond with a bunch of laughing emojis.
Nicky: Inez!!! You’re alive!!!
Karli: Thank goodness. Nicky was moments away from calling in a welfare check on your butt.Eeeks!
Layla: She was busy. Obviously. Chill out, ladies.
Daphne: Busy with all her famous new friends? Sad face emoji>
My fingers fly across the screen as I respond and I feel the first genuine smile on my face all day.
Me: You guys are quite entertaining after a long day. And yes, I’m alive.
Me: I don’t really have access to my phone during the day. Our director has this weird superstition that if a phone rings during rehearsals, that equals certain disaster.
Layla: That makes sense. It’s a pre-phone era historical, after all. cry-laughing emoji>
I laugh, too.
Me: We’re not filming yet, though. Just rehearsal and meetings and more rehearsal for now.
Me: How are Nolan and Stella doing?
After typing out the question, I reach into the drawer, pulling out the sketch of Nolan and me. The sketch Thalia made at the art festival. I dig deep, searching desperately for that elated emotion I felt the first time Nolan told me he loved me. But tonight, as I stare at the drawing, that feeling is so weak, it feels so far away.
Karli: Stella really misses you. But she’s all right.
Karli: Nolan’s been a pathetic mess without you.
Daphne: That is 100 percent true.
Nicky: And the worst part is, he’s in denial about the whole thing.
Daphne: He’s been working himself to the ground and trying to pretend like nothing’s wrong. Basically, he’s back to shutting everyone out and we can’t get him to talk.
Nicky: Ronan is really worried about him.
Daphne: Felix is, too.
Karli: He’s somehow convinced himself that moving on from you is what’s best for him and Stella.
Hearing that stings my heart. I hate to hear that the man I love is suffering. Especially because of me.
Karli: He’s been SUCH a stubborn, grumpy asshole lately.
Karli: Don’t tell him I said that, though.
Karli: Wait. On second thought, you can totally tell him I called him a stubborn, grumpy asshole.
I crack the smallest smile.
Me: Well, I’m pretty miserable without him too.
Me: But I’m trying so hard not to think about him. Because he’s just going to go back to his ex and they’re going to be a happy family.
Karli: Abso-fucking-lutely not. Not this time.
I sigh.
Me: I don’t like the idea of him with Lilian. But he probably thinks that’s what’s best for Stella.
The next message to pop onto my screen is so unexpected, it knocks the air out of my lungs.
Karli: Nolan is now filing to officially get sole legal custody of Stella. Once and for all.He has a family lawyer and everything.
Whaaaa–?! My gasp fills the tiny hotel room.
Me: Good for him.
I’m so happy for him. He’s a good man. He deserves peace of mind.
Karli: Yup. And good for you, too?
I feel a tingle in my chest.
Me: Good for me, how?
Daphne: With Lilian permanently out of the picture, you and Nolan will be able to figure out your life together.
Karli: Unless you’ve got any more excuses?
I flinch. Dang, Karli’s always calling me out on my shit. I’d much prefer my wallow-in-misery-while-pretending-nothing’s-wrong approach.But she doesn’t let me get away with my crap.
Me: Um. Not tonight…
I don’t have it in me to spew out any more excuses tonight.
Karli: Good.
I chat with the girls for a little bit longer before saying good night. I have another long day ahead of me tomorrow.
Putting my phone away, I curl up into a ball on my hotel bed, rehashing all the new information the girls spilled tonight.
Nolan’s got a lawyer to go up against his ex-wife? Seriously? That’s big for him. He deserves sole custody. He is Stella’s everything.
But it doesn’t change anything for him and me. I’m still here in New York, chasing after a career while Nolan lives his life in that quaint, magical Iowa mountain town.
I clutch tightly to my pillow, trying to keep the tears at bay and trying to not dream about a life with Nolan and Stella. But my mind keeps veering in the other direction, trying to map out a path forward, a plan for how we could possibly make this work.
What’s the point in busting my brain, though? The truth is, Nolan hasn’t reached out to me. He hasn’t even responded to my last message. He’s not even trying to stay friends anymore.
The man has moved on without me. There’s no use in arranging and rearranging the chess pieces life has set out on the board in front of me.
I need to accept that Nolan doesn’t want the things I want. At least, not bad enough.