Chapter Twenty-Two Carys
@potatofiend: How do you look angry while getting massaged by your future wife? I swear there’s something up with Zack!
@mellytonin: omg Patrick makes such good sushi I wish he’d make sushi for me
@missgoss: You could not pay me to go paintballing
It’s quite possible that this is the longest day of my life. Why why why didn’t I watch the show before I applied? Stupid me thought it was all cute dates and hopes and dreams, not trying to set everyone’s heart racing through sexy dancing on national television.
When Reb came through and confirmed it was indeed the Pulse Race Challenge (as it’s apparently dubbed) she gave me another of her are you up to it? looks. No, but what can I do? I’m going to crash out hard later, once I’ve given five men including my future husband a lap dance, apparently.
While I was still getting my head round it, we got sent up to our dressing rooms with the costume rails, along with an armband each, with a little pulse monitor hidden in it.
I didn’t even get a chance to talk to Patrick about it.
This will be the first time he’s seen me in any kind of lingerie, and he’s sharing the experience with four other men.
Plus, he’s definitely a little upset with me.
While we were rolling sushi, he asked if I was feeling alright during the challenge.
I know what that means. It’s the sort of way my parents used to tell me I was acting out of order, enquiring whether I thought that behaviour was normal for me, with the implication that it’s not acceptable.
I’m not sure I’ve ever felt quite so small. I cried and I told him Dolly got under my skin, and the tail end of that migraine meant I didn’t use my best judgement.
He was kind, because of course he was, but I could still see that hesitation in his eyes. I can’t lose him. That’s why I have to show him that I care about him, and I’m going to do that by taking this challenge seriously. This way, he’ll see I’m willing to do anything for us.
The first step is picking out a costume.
‘I really don’t think you’re the hot little devil kind of girl,’ Bridget says, contemplating the costumes in front of us.
She wears angel wings, with a matching white lingerie bodice and thigh-high lace stockings.
I cannot imagine wearing that at all, never mind on television.
‘Though you definitely have a temper on you.’
‘I don’t,’ I say sharply. ‘I’m perfectly calm.’
She gives me a knowing look. ‘Devil goes in the maybe pile.’
‘How do you even do sexy? This might be the worst night of my life,’ I moan.
Bridget cackles. ‘Oh, no fear, babes. I’m pretty confident Jackson and I have this locked down.’ She doesn’t say it meanly, I don’t think.
I can’t imagine Jackson raising my pulse from sexy dancing. Anger maybe. Perhaps his tactic is just to stand there and say sexist things in my general direction. I’m trying, I am, but at dinner he kept talking about Traditional Family Values and I wanted to crawl under the table.
‘We’d match. Angel and devil.’
She pats me on the shoulder. ‘Sure, babes, but remember we are competing. We can matchy-costume another time.’
The devil costume goes back on the rack.
I wonder what Patrick has picked. Neither of us particularly exude sexiness, not like some of the others in here. We’re cute-type.
I have no idea how exactly I’m supposed to get anyone’s heart racing. The most beating mine does is from anxiety. Perhaps when it’s my turn, I should ask everyone to think about their deepest existential fears. There’s probably a rule against that.
Maybe Bridget’s right. We won’t win, but I can still give it my best. For him, for us.
But how to do that without grinding on the other men so enthusiastically that it makes him uncomfortable?
Clearly, Bridget has read my mind. ‘Look, babe, one option you have is just to dance up on him and take the loss. Keep your pride?’
‘What about the cowboy hat and the little shorts?’ suggests Lina, who sits in a towel, redoing her makeup. ‘You work on a farm after all? Kind of cutesy.’
‘It’s not about her story as much as what will get Patrick excited,’ Bridget says, pushing the tiny shorts to the end of the rail. ‘Unless. Does he have a thing for cowboys?’
‘It’s a maybe,’ I say.
‘A maybe on cowboys?’
‘On the outfit,’ I insist, unhooking the shorts and holding them against me. ‘I’m not as confident as you, Bridge. I don’t want everyone seeing my—’ I gesture in the area around my crotch.
Bridget is perplexed. ‘What? Your fanny?’
‘Yes,’ I hiss.
‘Well, don’t go bum-naked, and they won’t,’ she says flatly and clearly unimpressed that I can’t manage to say fanny out loud.
‘I don’t think many of these leave much to the imagination, though,’ I moan.
‘That’s the point!’ She presses her palm against her forehead. ‘You’re hopeless, Carys.’
I discard another option that seems to be some kind of lingerie animal ear combo. ‘What did you pick, Lina?’
‘I’ve got an idea.’ It’s her turn to sigh. ‘I’m not sure what Zack would like…’
‘What do you feel sexy in, though?’ calls Dolly.
For a blissful few moments, I’d forgotten she was here.
Well, not truly because she’s so irritating that I always know when she’s nearby.
But she’s been tucked in the corner doing her makeup, outfit chosen already.
As she’s the only one who wears plus-size, she had her own rack to choose from.
‘Nothing,’ says Lina a little too honestly. ‘But I don’t think that would be allowed.’
‘We air after the watershed,’ says Dolly. ‘Go for the closest thing to that?’
Lina’s face brightens, and she takes something from the rack that looks like a pair of tights and disappears.
I wonder what Dolly is going to wear. Has she gone for the ‘little more than underwear’ route? I flinch as I remember her on her back, and shove through the rack some more.
‘Lads, I feel a bit creeped out,’ groans Whit, still in a robe. ‘Like, I know the rule is if we get everyone hot then Malachi and I win, but I feel kind of weird about that.’
‘Same,’ I sigh, discarding another I’m a mouse, duh-type outfit.
‘It’s just a bit of fun, babes.’ Bridget slides the hangers along the rack in a sudden violent motion, revealing a very short, laced-up dress. ‘That one.’
I don’t have any time to say no. It’s so not me. But it’s better than the rest.
Costume secured, I take off the remains of today’s melted makeup and work out what will go with this dress. A smoky eye, I think. I can probably do that.
The problem is the whole time Dolly won’t shut up. I know she’s just trying to give Whit a pep talk, but could she just be quieter about it?
I said I’d be good, for Patrick. I don’t need to rise to her. Easier said than done when I’m filled with a hot, pricking irritation whenever she’s around.
‘Just keep your eyes on the prize,’ Dolly tells Whit. ‘Sorry to all you girls, but I think I’ve got the best teammate of the lot of you.’
This is when I lose it. Dolly doesn’t even fancy her own fiancé, or any men! How would she even know what gets their pulses racing?
‘That’s a bit fucking rude, Dolly,’ I snap.
Everyone goes silent for a long moment, broken only by Bridget going ‘Oops’ before giggling awkwardly.
‘Carys, I obviously didn’t mean it in a bad way.’ I can tell she’s trying to keep her voice steady to hide how much I’ve pissed her off. I wish I didn’t like knowing that so much. ‘I’m not calling your men uggos. I’m just trying to get everyone in the friendly competition mood, right?’
‘Sorry, I just think it’s a bit weird to imply we might all fancy your fiancé.’
‘It’s not that deep, Carys,’ says Whit, patting me on the shoulder as she passes. ‘Bridget basically just said the same thing.’
I feel the urge to defend Bridget but she just shrugs. ‘Yeah, I did.’
‘Dolly seems to think it’s deep,’ I insist. ‘Doesn’t that bother you guys?’
Whit says ‘Nope’ loudly but Bridget and Lina remain silent.
‘See, they agree with me,’ I say, overreaching, but I don’t care. ‘She’s so blatantly here for the wrong reasons. We can all see it.’
‘What even is the right reason?’ Dolly murmurs, keeping her eyes off me.
‘I just think we need to be careful of snakes in the grass,’ I mutter.
I see her reflection change, ever so slightly, and her eyes dart to me.
Come on, Dolly, fight back. She can’t always play the good guy, like earlier when she handed us the wedding venue like it was blessed bread, even though we’d spent the whole day worrying in case she took away my dream. Our dream. She can’t just wipe away all that wasted energy with a gift.
I think for a moment that she’s going to leave. Right up until her face turns into an exaggerated pout, like a sad cartoon duckling. ‘Oh no. Is it easier to come at me when you’re worried men don’t want to fuck you?’ she hisses.
‘Dolly,’ warns Whit. ‘Just ignore her.’
‘Sorry, Whit, but I’m a little tired of insecure people taking their own issues out on the rest of us.’ Her eyes slide over to me, and her lip curls. ‘It’s embarrassing, really.’
‘Fuck you,’ I snap.
Lina gasps. ‘Carys, that’s not okay.’
She and Whit look at me like I’m unrecognizable. I went too far, didn’t I?
The familiar pit opens beneath my feet and I’m about to fall… right up until Dolly mouths, ‘You already did.’
The girls could have seen that! My heart races as Dolly’s eyebrows rise in a challenge.
‘Alright, girls, save it for the lap dances or whatever,’ Bridget says, dragging me away from staring angrily at Dolly. In the bathroom she shoves the dress into my hands. ‘Don’t blow your engine now. Just beat her.’
Script: The Pulse Race Challenge
[All the women sit in a row on a deep bench seat in dressing robes, while Karina and Lucas Nguyen, in matching gold lamé bikini and swim shorts respectively, watch over from the balcony upstairs.]
KARINA It’s time for the Pulse Race Challenge! The spiciest Wedded Bliss challenge, where couples work together in a display of sexuality and confidence.
LUCAS Each contestant has chosen their own costumes and music in the hope that they will titillate their partner and the other contestants on the men’s or women’s side. Remember the winners will be the couple who collectively raise the pulses the most.
KARINA Okay, ladies, I’m already warmed up just standing here. [She glances at Lucas and giggles.] Now it’s time for the men to get your hearts racing!
Music: ‘Doctor (Work It Out)’ – Pharrell feat. Miley Cyrus
[Patrick walks in wearing scrubs, pretending to check over the women by listening to their breathing and hearts with his stethoscope. Close up as he leans in to kiss Carys while the girls scream.]
LUCAS Now he looks like just what the doctor ordered.
KARINA Darling, I think he’s a vet.
[Close up on Dolly laughing.]
Music: Gladiators theme tune
[Short excerpt of Zack dancing as a Roman gladiator grinding his crotch in the women’s politely baffled faces.]
KARINA I think that might be a thumbs down from the audience.
Music: ‘Talk Dirty’ – Jason Derulo feat. 2 Chainz
[Jackson walks in dressed as a devil carrying a pitchfork, and first grinds against it slowly. Long close ups on each woman as he dances. He places Bridget’s heel on his chest, and licks all the way up her knee to the top of her thigh. Zoom in on Carys looking terrified.]
LUCAS If evil looks like that, I’m not sure I want to be good!
Music: ‘Hotel Room Service’ – Pitbull
[Malachi wears black trousers, white shirt cuffs and a black bow tie. As the music begins, he rips off the trousers to reveal tiny sequinned black pants. Cut to the girls scream-laughing. Cut back to close up as Malachi picks up Whit, wrapping her legs around his waist, and carries her off.]
KARINA Now that is service with a smile.
Music: ‘Gasolina’ – Daddy Yankee
[Warren runs in dribbling a basketball, oiled up so his muscles shine, and wearing only a pair of basketball shorts.
He does some tricks to make the women laugh.
Then, in a display of strength, he picks up every woman in turn, raising them into the air and spinning them round.
Finally, he takes Dolly into his arms, kissing her deeply, before throwing her over his shoulder in a fireman’s lift. ]
LUCAS Well… Wow. What do you even say to a man who can do that?
KARINA [looks to camera] Pick me up next?