Chapter Thirty-Nine Dolly
Well. I wasn’t expecting to be the second interruption of the day, but this does make things marginally less awkward.
‘So, you two—’ Patrick stutters, still mentally catching up as Carys runaway-brides out the door.
‘I’ll explain later,’ I tell him, conscious of the cameras that are on us. If we speak it out loud, I’m taking that coming out moment from Carys. I don’t even know if she wants it, because she’s run off.
‘Excuse me,’ I say to Patrick and Peony, and I take off running too.
When Warren suggested I wear this dress, I thought it was a cute idea because I hadn’t anticipated quite so much athletic activity.
I spy Warren walking up the gravel to the front doors, having managed to park the car. ‘What’s going on?’ he asks. I point in Carys’s general direction, where she is fleeing across the stately home gardens. ‘Oh shit.’
‘Peony’s here too,’ I yell back as I struggle to turn a corner, taking it much too wide. I can’t stop running or I’m going to fall right over. ‘Fuck. The cameras, Warren.’
‘I’ll hold them off!’ Warren hollers, and I hear doors slam, followed by a lot of angry muffled sounds.
‘Fuuuuuuck,’ I shout as I keep running.
Carys has slowed down somewhat, and I see her take off her nice white shoes (while still running, somehow?) and throw them angrily at the ground. A few ducks fly from the pond in fright. I slip out of mine, because I am absolutely going to break my neck if I run on grass in these slingbacks.
I manage to find a rhythm that allows me to run in this dress, not dissimilar from a maimed horse’s gallop.
‘Carys, please stop running, for God’s sake!’ I yell after the runaway meringue of a girl I’ve come to profess my undying love to.
‘No!’ she yells back.
‘Okay, but I’m not going to stop running after you,’ I tell her, biting out each word.
I start to gain on her, but it’s so much effort to take a single gallop that I’m going to exhaust myself quickly.
‘Oh fuck this.’ I ball up the dress in my hands and find the seam along the left leg. ‘I’m so sorry,’ I tell the dress as I tear open the seam, making a slit that runs all the way up to mid-thigh. If it wasn’t ragged as hell, it would look quite good.
It means I can now sprint at full pelt like we’re on a Traitors mission to steal keys and betray people or whatever the fuck they do on that show Mum thinks I should have gone on.
I’ve never been a runner, but there’s something about the adrenaline of this moment that turns me into what feels like a sprinter who’s broken a ton of world records, though I know I’m probably slowly jogging after her. I really hope the cameras aren’t seeing this, for the sake of my own dignity.
‘Carys,’ I plead, but she keeps going. I’m not even sure she knows why she’s running at this point.
We’re going uphill. She heads straight towards some big marble columny building thing that overlooks the lake. I have no idea what you’d even call it. I don’t have oxygen left for thinking.
I am relieved when she stops just inside it, grabbing hold of one of the pillars as she catches her breath.
‘Please,’ I gasp as I manage to catch up with her. ‘Don’t. Move.’
She pants hard, clutching at her side. ‘I’m not going anywhere.’ She bends in half, like a Barbie someone is trying to make sit down. ‘I have a stitch.’
I can’t tell if this is supposed to be a complaint or an accusation, but I just try to breathe deeply like YouTube exercise instructors say to do when you feel like you’re going to die.
‘What… what are you doing here?’ she pants out. ‘Why is Warren here? Didn’t you get married?’
I hold up one finger to try to get her to stop asking me more questions. ‘I came to stop you marrying Patrick. Warren drove.’ I take another deep breath. ‘And no, he noticed I had a bad case of the—’
I stop myself. I can’t make a joke right now.
Carys looks at me like I’m an utterly mad person and honestly, I might look pretty batshit in my bare feet and torn-up dress and wild hair.
But this is it. This is my one chance to tell her I love her.
‘Carys, I love you,’ I say, making my voice steady.
‘I’ve loved you since that day in the middle of traffic.
I’ve loved you this whole time, even when you’re being a little bitch.
Especially then, in fact.’ I can’t help but laugh.
‘I think you might be the most interesting person I’ve ever met, maybe also the weirdest, and together I think we have some bizarre kind of magic that makes me run across stately homes to get you. ’
Her mouth falls open but no words come out.
There’s a crash, and we both look across the gardens to see the camera crew pouring out of the front door, and several of the production team try to grab hold of Warren, but he’s so massive and lithe he nimbly gets away.
I look back to her. ‘I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to pressure you. And you don’t need to come out. You don’t need to do anything. We can pretend we’re just best friends, old school style, if that’s what you want.’
Her scared eyes look back to me.
‘But I think you are the future I need. I’ve thought this whole time that I knew what I wanted, needed, what my mum needed.
But I never stopped to think about whether that was true.
And that’s why I kept getting so annoyed about you coming in and screwing up all my plans. You made me stop and think.’
‘How rude of me,’ she laughs breathily.
‘I’m sorry it took me so long, but I’m here now. You’re my world, Carys. What do you think?’ I say, wanting to ask her a million more questions but I know that she just needs the one.
The cameras are approaching, I can tell. We are running out of time, and I worry that this small window that Peony and I forced through is closing.
‘Dolly,’ she begins. ‘You’ve made me realise so much about myself. And now it’s time for me to be honest.’
Her words are a little stilted, and I see with horror that she’s still wearing the show microphone. They can hear everything she says.
The stable door is open and the horse has bolted because no matter what happens, my speech to Carys has been recorded by the show.
There’ll be no backup of Warren and me marrying later, if this all goes truly tits up.
It’ll be out there, that this happened. Everyone will know when this airs. There’s no way they’ll leave it out.
It’s a weird kind of peace that comes over me. I guess the relief of letting go of a lie you were imprisoning yourself with. Yes, I’m a lesbian and now the world knows.
But that doesn’t have to happen to her.
‘Carys, you don’t have to say anything,’ I insist, cutting her off. ‘You don’t have to say anything. Not for me. Choose yourself. This doesn’t have to be your moment.’
I look behind us, and I see a cameraman approaching us.
The wedding party is running across the grass to us too – Warren, Patrick, Peony, their families, and for some reason the officiant who is absolutely having the worst day of her life.
Reb stands in the middle of the lawn by the lake watching us, silent.
‘Carys—’
I want her to run away. I want to free her from this moment, even if it means she won’t pick me. The last thing I want is for her to be forced into this.
‘Please—’
‘I am choosing myself,’ she says. And there, I see the small smile growing on her lips. ‘It’s time. I want to be honest about who I am.’
‘Are you sure?’ I whisper, even though I know it’s quite possible she might be about to be honest about what’s happened between us and still say she doesn’t want to be with me.
‘I’m bisexual. And I’m autistic,’ she says, and I hear some surprised murmuring from the team behind us. ‘I’m both, and I’ve always been both and I’m done hiding all the more complicated parts of me just for everyone else’s comfort. I’m done being palatable.’
I’m so proud of her. She’s lit with the golden sunlight that streams down from above, like she’s on fire. An angel on earth.
I am so fucking proud to know her.
There’s movement behind me and Carys raises a hand. ‘I’m not done.’
She turns back to me, and I can’t help the thrill of hope in my chest.
‘I choose myself,’ she repeats. ‘But also I want to choose you. Dolly, you’ve shown me exactly who I can be. You’ve seen the real me, the worst parts, the scary parts, and you’ve not been afraid. Well, perhaps a little.’
I laugh and it’s a happy, sobbing sound. ‘Just a bit. I never knew how fast you were. You made me do cardio; terrifying.’
I step forward, one moment at a time on painful feet that I barely notice because I’m radiating with joy.
‘For a long time, I thought compatibility was just being identical, but I understand now that it’s not just that. It’s about understanding each other, trusting each other. I don’t always understand you, but I want to, so much.’
A sob lodges in my throat.
‘I love you, Dolly Doherty,’ she whispers, just for me.
‘You’re my golden Goddess. You’re the kindest person I’ve ever known, and will go to every length to protect your people.
You’re the woman who can see through every wall I try to hide behind.
And I want to show you it all, forever. Nobody is going to love anyone like we love each other.
We might be liars, but we can be something much more to each other.
I think, together, we could make a perfect team.
You feel like a home to me, Dolly. Will you be my home? ’
‘Always,’ I promise.
And then, she throws herself into my arms.
Our kiss is a promise, and just for us, even if I know it’s being filmed. I don’t care. She is all I’ve ever wanted, and I can’t believe that I now have her.
My girl. My home.
When we break apart, Carys has a mischievous look on her face. ‘Shall we… get married while we’re here?’
I almost drop her. ‘You want to—?’
‘Sorry, your mum isn’t here. That was silly.’
‘Oh, she is!’ shouts Warren, waving his phone. ‘Her Uber’s pulling up in ten minutes.’
‘Iesu Grist,’ Carys gasps. ‘How much was that?’
‘Warren, you didn’t,’ I cry.
‘Moira insisted,’ he says. ‘I’ll go get everyone back inside.’ And with that he sprints off, corralling confused family and friends.
That’s when I realise Patrick and Peony are also here, standing by the cameras.
‘I think,’ I say, putting Carys down carefully, ‘that you have some things to talk about first.’