Epilogue, Six Months Later Dolly
@mirivanilli: Leonard’s fave couple is Dolly and Carys obvs, @saraaaa agrees bc he always makes biscuits on us when they’re on screen
@ShreyaSpeaks: It’s so strange seeing myself on screen, but what a joy to be there to cheer on love!
@BabyJas: No guys I’m not spilling the tea, you have to tune in with the rest of us. But yes Warren and I have some more content coming up lol.
If I’m honest, I was a little afraid of the reunion episode. Back when I was still with Warren, I had this whole plan of how we’d talk about our relationship. I pretty much knew, beat for beat, what highlight clips they’d show of our relationship timeline.
In fact, what I imagined is very like the reel of Whit and Malachi’s best bits we all watch together in the studio, along with the live audience filled with fans, family and, apparently, the Hannahs, as the Nguyens orchestrate the whole affair.
‘Let’s hear it for our incredible season one winners!’ Karina cries.
We all knew they’d win. We were discouraged from checking social media in the apartments, but realistically production couldn’t stop us, and I’d seen the glowing adoration for them across not just TikTok and Instagram, but Facebook too.
The nest egg was theirs, quite rightly. They ended up being the only couple who really did things the Wedded Bliss way.
I shouldn’t have been afraid. Beside me, my wife (I will never get over saying that) squeezes my hand.
‘She is just the most wonderful, kind partner, and I’m so thankful that I left this show with her,’ Malachi swoons, still as in love with her as the day they met.
It’s funny, a few people have asked me if you really can fall in love in just a few weeks and I think, for most people, the answer is no. But Whit and Malachi are proof that love at first sight, while rare, is real.
‘And we have a surprise to share,’ Whit says. I naturally know what’s coming as she stands, turns sideways and essentially mic drops her baby bump to the camera.
‘We’re pregnant!’ they chorus, as the studio goes wild. Even me, and I knew the second she got those lines on the pee-covered stick.
Karina bursts into happy tears. ‘Our first Wedded Bliss UK baby!’
Baby Vempati-Campbell was a bit of a surprise, but the parents-to-be rolled with it.
I know there’s never an ideal time for surgeons to take maternity leave, but if anyone can handle the competitive nature of the operating theatre, it’s Whit.
She survived Wedded Bliss, after all. Malachi’s kept on his orthodontist job and put his long-term plan of firefighting on the back burner until the baby is a little older, but he’s still training.
I guess his dream job pales in comparison to his dream wife.
Bridget and Jackson get a much frostier welcome. We’ve had to say hello to them a few times at various events, but they know they blew it with everyone here. Once news of Bridget’s blackmail spread through the various reality TV ex-castmate WhatsApp groups, they were pretty much ostracised.
‘Your first year has been a bit of a challenge, hasn’t it,’ offers Lucas generously.
Jackson snorts. ‘We got slandered on social media because people think for some reason that we were together before the show, but the thing is people can fake things. Deep fakes, isn’t that what it’s called? We’re the actual victims here, aren’t we, Bridge?’
‘There’s definitely two Deep Fakes here,’ mutters Whit, which earns some ooos from the audience.
‘Um,’ murmurs Bridget, as the screen behind them shows screenshots of their text messages going back prior to the show. ‘Yeah.’
Carys is stiff beside me, and I put my arm around her.
It was worse for her – Bridget was supposed to be her friend.
Bridget has tried to speak to her a few times, reaching out to make up via text and stuff, but I’m proud to say Carys has stood her ground and ignored her.
You don’t come back from threatening to out someone, even if you didn’t really think that’s what you were doing.
‘We take that kind of allegation very seriously on Wedded Bliss,’ Lucas says sternly. ‘But we’re glad to see that you’re still wedded, if not that blissfully?’
About three people in the audience clap. Malachi coughs.
Karina nudges Lucas in the side. ‘All marriages have their ups and downs, and we hope that you are able to find a good place again. Thank you for joining us, Bridget and Jackson.’
Was it worth it, ding-dongs? All that blackmail for this little screentime?
‘Speaking of ups and downs, what a rollercoaster it is to see Lina and Cobey together!’ Lucas cries as the cameras pan to the couple looking both very tanned and trim.
‘Our runaway bride!’ says Karina, clapping her hands together.
‘Cobey, the thing we need to know – how is the surf school going?’ Lucas asks and the audience laughs knowingly. Cobey has become something of a meme, but from what Lina tells me, that’s just spread the word about the business.
After their elopement to Scotland, and the many interviews on the media circuit that seemed to keep the big bods at Sunset Motions happy, Lina moved down to Cornwall to be with Cobey, combining their Pilates and surf school businesses into a very cool wellness venture for stressed-out city women.
‘All the better for having this incredible woman and business partner with me.’ Cobey kisses his wife, and the audience whoops with delight.
‘Though, of course, your ex-fiancé Zack was left surprised by your disappearance at the joint stag and hen party. He couldn’t make it today, but is there anything you’d like to say to him?’ Karina asks.
‘Nothing to him, no,’ Lina says. She looks straight down the lens of a camera. ‘But to other women, even if you like someone, if you don’t like the things they say, the things they do, you can leave. That can be enough.’
‘Wise words,’ Karina agrees, as the audience applauds and nods and a few people tear up.
I’m glad Zack didn’t show up. I heard through the grapevine that he was invited and was giving it all gob about ‘starting shit’, but I think he knew this would have been a bloodbath. Perhaps he’s got more sense than I give him credit for.
‘And now, we turn to the shock of the season. Two breakups, two marriages and one singleton, but somehow not in the combination that any of us expected,’ Karina announces. ‘First, let’s welcome Patrick and Peony!’
Peony had been kept off-screen for the first bit of filming, as she wasn’t known to the audience. This is her grand entrance, in the same glorious green suit, twinned by Patrick who escorts her to an empty sofa.
‘Golly, it’s a bit strange being on camera, isn’t it?’ she laughs, charming an audience who could have been totally set against her. But with the melodic chime of her laugh, everyone is enrapt.
The Nguyens explain Peony and Patrick’s backstory, showing photos on the screen of the couple through the years. It’s quite sweet, really.
‘I think people might be surprised to hear that we didn’t move in together immediately,’ Patrick admits.
‘Though, I was still in Kenya,’ laughs Peony.
‘Hell of a commute!’ adds Patrick. It’s rehearsed, but it works. They’re a comedy duo of awkward brunettes.
‘We just wanted to get it right this time,’ Peony insists.
A couple of months ago, Peony finished her secondment and moved back to Newcastle, and Patrick joined her up there.
They’ve got this beautiful house with a big garden they’re going to fill with wonky animals and elfin children.
Carys has been up there twice already as she was insistent about helping them unpack, and we’ll go again together later this year.
Turns out, Peony is an eager cook, so I’ve promised to teach her some of my skills when I’m up.
And now, it’s our turn.
‘With Patrick marrying Peony, Carys was left alone. But in a first for Wedded Bliss, Carys and Dolly ended up in our first ever same-gender couple! Let’s see how that played out.’
So it turns out the whole time I was paranoid about cameras, I needn’t have been.
There weren’t hidden cameras, for once, because the show had about ten quid left by the time they’d furnished the warehouse and apartments.
Reb let slip that there were security cameras in important places, but that mysteriously, footage from several cameras had been deleted for some reason definitely not by her nope no way.
She’s a good egg but I wish she’d get a new job.
Still, the show did manage to pick up quite a lot of our lingering looks and, in the context of us falling in love, the editors managed to stitch together a pretty solid timeline of our relationship. It ends with shaky camera footage racing through a garden to find us kissing at the folly.
We were both frightened about what would happen next, but after a lot of terse discussions, the show decided that if they made Patrick and Peony an official Wedded Bliss couple, they had to recognise us too.
In the end, the queer community came out in force and voted us into second place, the only part of my plan that remained the same.
‘Now, we’ve never had a romance like this before,’ says Lucas. ‘And we had Lina escape out of a window!’
‘Plenty has been said on social media about your relationship,’ says Karina carefully, and boy, she’s not kidding.
My followers’ count has had more ups and downs than Alton Towers, losing a bunch of homophobes and gaining all the gays of the UK.
Somehow, I seem to have kept pretty much all of my beloved Nigella-wanting middle-aged men contingent.
‘What do you want to say about your first year so far?’ she finishes.
‘I love her,’ I say, which weirdly gets a lot of applause, but then how often do you see women say they love each other romantically on television, even now? ‘She’s very supportive, even when she’s having a tough time. And she’s had a pretty tough time from some of youse.’
Carys nudges me. She always worries when I go protective bulldog mode.