Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
Lying on the cold stone floor, I stare at the fading light on the ground. It’s almost gone now, which means that night has almost fallen. The small study around me is dim, the deep shadows hiding all the furniture I ruined. Too bad it can’t hide everything else that I’ve ruined.
I know that I should get up. I know that I should rejoin my friends. I know that I should apologize to Orion for destroying his chair and some of the shelves in his bookcase. But I can’t bring myself to care.
So I just lie there on the cold stone floor and stare at the sliver of golden light on the ground that fades into darkness with every passing second.
Pain pulses inside my chest like a second heart. I try to draw in deep breaths, but it feels as if someone is sitting on my chest, crushing it, while a pair of brutal hands are locked around my raw throat.
But worst of all is the regret.
It sits inside my stomach like a block of ice, poisoning everything with freezing tendrils that twist between my ribs like snakes and turns my entire body cold.
Curling up on my side, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to shield myself from the horrible regret that is eating me from the inside.
It doesn’t work.
Because regret, I’ve come to realize, is the most brutal emotion of them all.
Fear fades as soon as you remove the thing you’re afraid of.
But regret…
Regret is permanent.
Either you said or did something that you can’t take back. Or you didn’t say or didn’t do something that you should have. Either way, the result is the same. It’s too late now. Too late to go back and redo it.
That irrevocability of it is what makes it so horrible. No matter what you do from now on, it’s too late to change what you should have done before.
And I know exactly what I should have done.
I should have gone to see my parents straight away. As soon as we left the Unseelie Court, I should have visited them and checked if they had my magic burning inside their chests.
But I didn’t.
And now, they’re gone.
They’re dead. They died within seconds. Without warning. And now, I will never know.
I will never know if my parents actually hated me or not.
I will never know if they truly resented me because of who I am and what I did, or if they actually loved me and only hated me because I had accidentally forced a flame of hatred into their chests when I was a child and couldn’t control my powers.
I wanted to know. Knowing the truth was vital to me. It could have changed everything. It would have meant everything to me.
But now, I will never know.
I will never know if my parents loved me.
Agony and paralyzing regret crack through my chest like a whip.
Curling my fingers into a fist, I gasp out broken sobs while waves of darkness crash over me.
I should have gone there straight away. I should have checked on my parents straight away. But I was just so busy. I kept saying that I would do it later. Later when things weren’t so chaotic. Later when I had more time. Later when I wasn’t dealing with a crisis.
But that’s the thing. There will never be enough time. There will always be another crisis. There will never be a perfect time to do something.
I should have prioritized them.
And now, it’s too late.
Now, there is nothing left.
No one left.
My parents are gone. My mate is gone.
All that is left is guilt and hate and rage and regret.
Suffocating, all-consuming regret.
Those massive black waves inside me crash through my soul like a storm-plagued ocean. Crushing everything. Tearing everything down. Beating that small spark of hope inside me with merciless force.
Broken sobs slip from my lips.
That tiny light inside my soul flickers.
And then it goes out.
Dark rage and searing hatred rush in to fill the void, burying me whole.
I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t breathe. I can’t feel anything but agony and regret.
It’s going to kill me. These emotions are going to kill me.
In a burst of sheer panic, I draw upon that dark rage and searing hatred. Drawing it to me like a raft. Clinging to it. Infusing the black waves themselves with it. Until everything inside me is just a burning black ocean of rage and hatred.
If I thought I was angry and ruthless when I left the Unseelie Court, it is nothing compared to the utter mercilessness that now consumes me.
Shoving myself up from the floor, I dust myself off and roll my shoulders back.
My head is now terrifyingly silent and clear.
I stalk towards the door and throw it open.
A guard in Orion’s dark blue and silver colors jumps in surprise.
“Where are they?” I demand.
“Dining room,” he blurts out. Uncertainty shines on his entire face as he flicks his gaze up and down my body. “I can show you—”
“No. I know where it is.”
He stares after me as I stride past him and start towards the dining room. Outside the windows, the final red and orange rays of sunlight have disappeared beyond the horizon. Darkness now blankets the heavens, and the glittering faelights have been turned on inside the castle to light the way.
That unending rage burns inside me as I stalk through the castle.
I’m going to kill the Icehearts. I’m going to kill every single one of them. Their entire clan. I will wipe them all from the face of this world and then burn every page in every history book that contains their names until it will be like they have never existed.
Reaching the door to Orion’s private dining room, I simply yank it open and storm inside.
Clothes rustle as every head snaps in my direction.
All six of them are there, but the table looks nothing like it usually does.
There are no decorations. No fancy platters of extravagant food and no mass of different utensils.
Only one plate and one knife and one fork in front of each person.
Half of the plates are practically untouched, as if my friends have been poking at the food rather than eating it.
As usual, Orion is sitting in his grand chair at the head of the table.
Alistair and Isera are seated next to each other on his right, while our three dragon shifters are sitting on the other side.
Draven is now wearing a simple black shirt with his sleeves rolled up instead of his armor.
There is no blood on his skin, and no pain on his face, so Haldia must have healed all of his wounds.
He watches me with those conflicted eyes of his as I stalk up to the table.
As if he both hates me and wants to comfort me at the same time.
But then his expression changes slightly when he takes in my appearance. Or rather, the look on my face.
In fact, all six of them are staring at me as if a demon has just stormed into the dining room, trailing fire and brimstone. To be fair, I feel like a demon. And fuck, it feels good.
“We need a new plan,” I declare.
“Uhm,” Galen begins, casting uncertain glances between me and the rest of them. “Are you… okay?”
“I’m fine. Like I said, we need a new plan.
” Bracing my palms on the smooth tabletop, I lean forward and meet their eyes.
“The dragon steel is a problem. As long as the Icehearts have access to that, we will never be able to hit them with everything we have. So we need to fix that by solving the root cause of the problem.”
“Lavendera,” Isera supplies.
I nod. “Yes.”
“So, we need to capture Lavendera and turn her against the Icehearts?” Lyra guesses.
“No. We need to kill Lavendera.”
Everyone jerks back a little and stares at me as if they have never seen me before. Everyone except Draven, who is watching me with eyes I can no longer read. I meet his gaze with a hard stare.
“You’ve said it yourself,” I begin. “Multiple times. Lavendera won’t betray the Icehearts. So let’s not waste time trying.”
“But didn’t you say that she might have important information too?” Galen asks in a careful voice. As if I’m a vicious animal that he is trying to calm down.
“I don’t care,” I reply, shifting my hard stare to him. “She is the only one among them who can use dragon steel. She needs to die.”
“Are you sure you’ve thought this through?”
“Yes.”
“But what if we—”
“I’m going to kill them.” I growl. Fire blazes in my eyes as I stare them all down. “Do you understand? I’m going to kill them all.”
“Look, Selena. I promise, we will get justice for your parents, but—”
“I don’t want justice!” I snarl. “I want revenge!”
Galen draws back and stares at me as if he has no idea who I am anymore.
Next to him, Lyra just looks like she’s worried about me.
Draven continues watching me with those unreadable eyes while Orion actually raises his glass at me in approval.
On the other side of the table, Isera holds my gaze and gives me a slow nod.
Alistair tilts his head in a nod towards her, as if to say, what she said.
“I still think we should—” Galen begins.
“I’m going to kill Lavendera.” I push off from the table and stalk towards the door. “Either help me. Or stay the fuck out of my way.”