Chapter 42 #2
“Yes, you have,” I reply, my voice hard and merciless. Fury roars inside me. “Your entire clan has.”
“My clan? What are you talking about?”
“Jessina killed my parents.”
“I’m not Jessina!”
“You’re a part of her clan. Which means that you are just as guilty as she is.”
“No!” she screams at me, her voice splitting the air like the crack of thunder. “I haven’t done anything. Why are you hurting me? I’ve never even seen you before. I haven’t done anything!”
I stagger back as a sudden realization hits me like a gut punch. Sucking in a sharp breath, I stumble backwards and hit the wall on the other side of the hallway. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest by a horse.
Because suddenly, I don’t see a blond dragon shifter glaring back at me with furious green eyes.
I see a silver-haired fae with eyes that are a mix of turquoise and lavender.
My eyes.
Me.
I see me.
I see myself, screaming at Draven with anger and outrage in my eyes. Screaming in frustration and hurt and utter desperation that what they’re doing isn’t fair. That I never enslaved any dragon shifters. That I am being punished for a crime that I didn’t even commit.
Bane and Jessina’s voices echo inside my skull.
It’s your turn to live in poverty. It’s your turn to struggle. It’s your turn to be slaves.
You need to be punished for what your ancestors did.
You deserve everything you got.
Their voices morph into my own.
This is where he belongs. Cowering on his knees before me. This is where they all belong.
He deserved it. It’s high time that the Silver Clan feels what the rest of us have been forced to endure under their rule.
This is how it’s supposed to be. Them, on their knees, before us.
Before me. It’s their turn to be afraid.
It’s their turn to kneel and bow and grovel.
It’s their turn to feel what it’s like to be truly powerless.
I want to slit his mother’s throat, just so that he can feel what I felt when Jessina killed my mother.
They deserve this.
They deserve everything they’re getting.
Bile surges up inside my throat.
Slapping a hand in front of my mouth to stop the vomit, I stare back at the Osteria family with wide eyes. Bane and Jessina’s cruel voices continue echoing inside my mind, saying all the exact same things that I have been thinking for weeks now.
Cold horror washes through me.
I am turning into them.
Oh Goddess above, I am turning into the Icehearts.
“I need air,” I gasp out to Alistair.
Without even waiting for an answer, I rush past him and towards the back door. Throwing it open, I burst out into the neat garden full of trimmed bushes and artfully placed flowers. I only make it three steps before my knees buckle.
Crashing down on the grass, I bend over the flower bed in front of me and puke. My stomach heaves as I vomit into the colorful flowers over and over again. Digging my fingers into the soft grass, I grip it hard as I empty the entire contents of my stomach into that flower bed.
Once there is nothing left to throw up, I gasp air back into my lungs. Gripping the grass tighter, I try to keep myself from swaying as the entire world around me seems to tilt.
That cold panic remains inside me like ice, freezing my blood and keeping me trapped there on the grass, while horrifying similarities dawn before my eyes.
Similarities between me and Jessina Iceheart.
When she was young, she had no power because she was enslaved by that group of fae.
So when she got free, she relished the feeling of having power over others.
Relished the feeling of being the one in control.
The one who gives the orders. The one who gets to watch everyone else bow and beg at her feet.
I’ve done the same. Ever since I escaped the Ice Palace, I have breathed in the intoxicating power I’ve felt when I have been in control. I’ve loved every single second of those moments when I’ve had the power. When I’ve made people kneel and obey my orders.
And Jessina killed my parents in retaliation for me hurting Bane, her fated mate.
I vowed to do the same. After she hurt Draven and murdered my parents, I vowed to kill everyone she has ever cared about.
She was humiliated and violated by that small group of fae six thousand years ago, so she spent the rest of her life getting revenge on all fae. She punished innocents simply because they belonged to the same nation as the ones who hurt her.
I did the same. She killed my parents, so I vowed to wipe out the entire Silver Clan. I almost killed this family today for that exact reason. Even though they are completely innocent of the crime. They are civilians. They don’t even know who I am. Let alone that Jessina has killed my parents.
My stomach heaves, and I vomit again. But nothing comes out. Only bile that burns like acid in my throat.
Oh Goddess.
I am more similar to Jessina Iceheart than I want to admit.
Dragging in an unsteady breath, I try to slow my pounding heart.
My entire head is spinning. With great effort, I release my death grip on the grass and push myself away from the now ruined flower bed.
Sitting back on my ass, I draw my knees up and rest my elbows on them while I rake my fingers through my hair. And then I just breathe.
Fuck. What am I doing?
If I start taking my fury out on innocent civilians, I’m no better than the Icehearts.
There has to be a line.
Goddess above, there has to be a line. There is a line. And this is it. This is the line that I won’t cross.
Orion was right. Only a villain can take down another villain.
And I will be a villain to my enemies. I will be utterly merciless and completely ruthless to anyone who stands in my way.
I will get my fucking revenge. All of it. But on the right people. Not on innocent civilians. I will not take revenge on people for a crime they haven’t committed.
They are not responsible for what the Icehearts have done. Just like I am not responsible for what that small group of entitled fae did six thousand years ago.
Dropping my hands from my hair, I tilt my head back and gaze up at the overcast sky above. Thick dark gray clouds float lazily over the heavens. A couple of birds soar past high above.
I drag in a deep breath.
It disturbs me to my core that I actually understand Jessina and Bane now. I understand the rage, the hatred, the intoxicating feeling of power, and the feral need for revenge. I understand it all.
Because I want it too. The only difference is that now, I will only direct it at the people who deserve it. I won’t take out my fury on innocents. I won’t torture sisters or slit the throats of mothers just because I’m angry about what someone else has done.
I will happily kill and torture the people who do the Icehearts bidding, because they are standing in the way of our freedom.
And I still want revenge. I remember the pain Draven had to endure when the Icehearts whipped his wings.
I remember the fear and shock on my parents face when they died on a cold stone floor in pools of their own blood.
I remember the crippling regret that still hits me every time I’m reminded that I will never know if my parents loved me.
I don’t want justice for that.
I want revenge.
Vicious, merciless revenge.
And I will get it.
I will carve that revenge out of Bane and Jessina’s bodies until they have paid for it with their blood. Because they killed my parents. And they hurt Draven. They tortured him and enslaved him for two hundred years. I would kill them for that alone. He is mine.
So I will get my revenge on the Icehearts and everyone who helps them.
But I will not cross that final line and punish an entire clan for a crime that only a few of them committed.
I am disturbingly similar to Jessina Iceheart in how I react to things.
So I need to pull myself back from the edge.
I cannot cross that final line. I refuse to become a new Jessina.
I will get fucking everything.
But I will not become her.