Chapter Thirty-Four - Cat
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
Cat
WHEN I WAS younger, my parents took me to a parade in Rotlington around Thanksgiving time. There were these giant, larger-than-life balloons shaped like various characters being towed through the sky by some floats.
That’s what I felt like right now.
Absolutely weightless, gliding through a black void only tethered to the earth by strings tied around my ankles and wrists. I didn’t feel real, couldn’t remember where I was or how I even got here. As I put effort into trying to piece together the last thing I could recall, my senses began to return to me.
The first thing I felt as my mind touched back down into my physical body was the sensation of choking. Something was lodged firmly down my throat and when I tried to move my arms to dislodge whatever it was, I found they wouldn’t cooperate. Not only were they on fire with the feeling of pins and needles, as if it’d been years since I’d moved them, but they were anchored down by straps as well. Panic flooded my body. I began to flail and flounder about leading to the discovery my ankles were bound as well. A scream built in my throat as I fought through the fog in my mind to open my eyes.
“Oh, William, she’s waking up,” I heard my mother’s voice wail from next to me. “Quick, go get a nurse. She’s trying to pull out the breathing tube again!”
I barely comprehended the words she’d spoken as I continued to try and dispel the foreign object keeping me from taking the deep breath I so desperately craved. I could feel her running a hand down my hair and attempting to murmur soothing words, but it was no use. I managed to open my eyes just in time to watch as nurses poured into the room. One ran over to an IV line connected to my arm, a syringe in hand as she hurriedly injected something into it. I lost control of my body once again as the room faded back to black.
The next time I woke up, I was still strapped to a hospital bed, but I was no longer connected to a machine breathing for me. I blinked the blurriness from my eyes and as the room came into focus, the first clear image I saw was my father’s scowling face. I looked around the room for my mom and saw her sleeping form on a reclining chair in the corner. I prayed a nurse would be coming in to check on me any second now to save me from the wrath written across his entire body.
“You just about gave your mother a heart attack, I’ll have you know,” he seethed. “You’re lucky it’s not her in that bed on the other side of the curtain.”
It took a moment before images of what I’d done to land myself here flooded my brain. I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of devastation that I’d been unsuccessful. The main reason for that feeling currently staring me down. I doubted he was even really mad that it’d upset my mom, just that if she’d been admitted to the hospital as well, he’d have to actually take care of himself for once.
“What in God’s name were you thinking, Catherine Marie?” He rose from his chair angrily, pausing for a moment when my mother stirred, then taking a few large steps to tower over me. “I always knew you were cowardly and full of sin, but to forsake any chance you may have to get into Heaven by trying to kill yourself? You are truly even more idiotic than I could have ever believed possible. Haven’t you brought this family enough shame as it is?”
I shrank, trying my very best to sink into the bed and hoping to disappear entirely. I looked up at my father’s expectant face, angrily awaiting a response to what sounded like a rhetorical question. Still, he wanted some kind of answer from me, even though whatever I supplied could never be a good enough excuse. Trying to defend myself against his attacks was always futile.
“What? Nothing to say for yourself? How pathetically typical. I should know better than to expect you to have a reason for your wicked ways. Such is typical of a corrupted daughter of Eve. Why I couldn’t have been blessed with a son is beyond me. Instead, I’m stuck with an ungrateful insipid whore.”
I hated to let him see my cry, but I was so vulnerable in my current state the tears began to flow freely. The heart monitor behind me was making a dinging sound as my pulse raced. The start of a panic attack crept into my bones as my face got tingly and my breathing quickened. Trapped. I felt trapped. This is why I’d attempted to take my life, to escape exactly this. If my father’s beloved God always had a plan, then what the fuck was mine? Why the fuck didn’t He just let me die?
“ Sir! ” A nurse exclaimed as she stormed into the room. “If you’re going to upset and berate the patient, we’re going to have to ask you to leave. The last thing this poor girl needs is more stress. It’s not good for the baby!”
The what?
“Like Hell you’ll ask me to leave!” He roared back at her, his blood boiling at being spoken down to by a woman. “This is my daughter, and she’s a minor. She is under my control. Not a single thing will be done to her here without my knowledge or consent.”
They continued to argue until eventually my dad relented and sat back down in his chair, silently glowering while the nurse tended to me. She tried to play off what had just happened and maintain a cheery bedside manner, but I was reeling.
“You said not good for the baby,” I grabbed her wrist when she moved close enough into my restrained reach to demand her attention as she was checking the monitors next to me. “What baby?”
She looked down at me with wide eyes. Shock burst across her face before she quickly schooled her expression.
“Did no one inform you that you’re pregnant, sweetie?” She asked me empathetically.
I shook my head numbly.
“You’re four weeks along. Don’t worry, we’ve monitored its condition while you were out as well, and you’re both perfectly healthy.”
“Four weeks? That’s impossible. It hasn’t even been that long!” I gasped. My head was spinning, and the room was starting to feel entirely too small.
“Did you not tell her anything before you began ripping into her?!” The nurse scolded my father over her shoulder. “Honey, you were in a medically induced coma for three weeks. You almost died, but you and your baby are tough little cookies. You’re both going to be just fine.”
The impending panic attack I’d been painstakingly shoving off since I woke up detonated. Hyperventilating set in as I struggled to draw in air, only furthering the feeling like I was fucking dying all over again. The nurse rushed out into the hall and returned with another syringe and my fear of descending back into the black void caused me to begin thrashing about wildly again. My mom was awake now and at my side, once again attempting to soothe me, but I shook her off viciously in my attempts to fight off the nurse as well.
“Cat, calm down. It’s me, you’re okay.” Her lips were moving, but it wasn’t her voice coming out.
Jules?
I shot awake in my bedroom at the QZ and reality flooded my senses. Jules was kneeling next to my bed, hovering over me with his hand on my arm, gently shaking me awake. I closed my eyes once again and took a large deep breath, trying to calm my racing pulse. It was just a nightmare. I mean a very real memory, but a dream, nonetheless. I don’t understand why my mind insisted upon replaying my highlight reel from hell every time I dared go to sleep.
“You okay, Kitty?” Jules asked softly.
I opened my eyes, and he was staring down at me with an intense look of concern. I gave a small nod, and he brushed my hair away from my face. I felt clammy and gross, my damp hair plastered to the back of my neck, but he didn’t give any sign that it bothered him.
“Rhiannon came and got me. She dragged me by my arm in here, then I saw you were having a nightmare.” My eyes shot over his shoulder and scanned around the room, looking for her. “Don’t worry, the commotion woke Sadie up and she took her into her room. She’s fine.”
I had shared a bed with Rhi plenty of times and loved her comforting cuddles, but maybe it wasn’t in her best interest if I couldn’t get my nightmares under control. I’m sure she’d tried to wake me up and freaked out when she couldn’t, so she got Jules. When I was stuck in the throes of reliving my own personal hell, it could be near impossible to wake me from it. I’m sure I could sleep on the couch or something, it wasn’t that uncomfortable earlier. I looked at the clock on the beside table, saw it was almost six and groaned.
“I’m so sorry. I’m the worst. As if everyone’s sleep hasn’t been disturbed enough already for one night,” I apologized as embarrassment flooded my system.
“Hey, no, don’t do that. You don’t need to apologize. I think it’s safe to say we’re all having more nightmares than usual these days. I’m just glad Rhi felt comfortable enough to come get me for help.”
It astonished me how quickly Rhiannon was taking to my friends when she still hadn’t found her voice back yet. I hoped I hadn’t scared her too much. I could tell by the layer of sweat covering my entire body that I’d been tossing and turning frantically.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He offered gently.
“Right now, all I want is a shower. I feel disgusting.” I shot him down, then immediately felt remorse when his face fell.
I knew he’d put two and two together earlier. I’d cut him off before a single word could pass his lips and then avoided him entirely after. I couldn’t keep shutting him out whenever he tried to be there for me, but it was so hard to let him in fully. All the guys wanted was for me to trust them. It terrified me. What if they knew all there was to know about me and they didn’t like the person they found behind all the secrets? Would they still want me? What if they get fed up with me keeping things from them?
“Do you want to come hangout with me while I’m in there? I’m still feeling weird from my dream and don’t really want to be alone right now. Maybe after the water calms me down a bit, I’ll be able to talk about it.”
His steely gray eyes sparked to life again before he rose to his full height and offered me a hand to help me up.
“I’ll wait outside the door. Let me know when I’m all set to come in,” he replied, holding onto my hand a few seconds longer before releasing it once I was upright and nudging me towards the door.
I walked to the bathroom terrified, closing the door behind me, knowing once I told him this there was truly no going back.