27. Reaper
Reaper
One week later…
Her bags are packed and sitting next to the front door of my condo. It’s like the final nail is being hammered into my coffin. The black heart I thought would never beat again, is shattering into a million pieces after being shocked back to life.
How do I say goodbye to another woman I love?
She’s no longer in danger, but I can’t ask her to stop her life just for me. I love her, but I also love her enough to let her go.
I’ve been at the clubhouse while she’s been staying at the condo. It’s been torture knowing she’s leaving, starting a new life without me. So, to make it easier for her and me, I stayed away like she asked. But I can’t just let her go without saying goodbye.
My gaze remains fixated on her luggage, knowing this is the end of whatever we have together. We never put a label on it, but it’s something special. My heart aches, but I know this is what’s best for her despite how much it devastates me to see her leave.
When she comes into the living room, she sees me and stops in her tracks. Even though her eyes are red and puffy from crying, she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
More tears stream down her face, as sobs wrack her body. “You came?”
I walk to her, the scent of her perfume filling the air, and pull her into my arms. “Of course, I did. I couldn’t let you leave without seeing you. There are some things we need to get straight.”
“And we couldn’t do that two weeks ago?” she asks, when she steps out of my embrace. “We couldn’t do that before you let me walk out of the clubhouse?”
“I needed to get shit straight with Nikita and Oleg, so you’d be safe before we dealt with my issues.”
“But you see, I don’t think that’s it, Logan. I think you’re using that as an excuse. It’s fine if you don’t want to discuss your past or let it go but I can’t be with someone who can’t open up to me completely.”
“I just got to get my shit together mentally before I can lay it all out for you. So, you’ll understand why I’m the way that I am.”
“I get it, Logan. I’m not the perfect picture of mental health either, but I want to have something with you.”
“I want that too.”
“I’m not sure that you do.” She wraps her arms around her body. “But it doesn’t matter. I’ve got a new job, in a new place. You have your family here. It wouldn’t have worked out, anyway.”
“Maybe,” I mumble. “Well at least you’ve gotten things underway.”
She nods, but I can see the sadness in her eyes despite me trying to change topics to help with both our moods.
“I do. It’s amazing how everything’s worked out the way it has.”
“No matter what you think, I don’t want you to go, Paris, I need to tell you that. But I also know you can’t stay here. I understand that my life is here, and yours is there.”
She’s going to be over eight hundred miles away in Seattle, but at least the Seattle chapter of the Sinners is going to keep an eye on her.
King talked to Diablo, the Seattle chapter’s prez, to make sure they keep an eye on her since I can’t.
She’ll have the protection of the Sinners no matter how far away she is from me.
“But it doesn’t have to be,” she says. “You could come with me.”
I’d love nothing more than to do that, but she needs to live her life without having someone in her space. Her freedom was taken away for so long. We need to have a long conversation about my issues and hers before we make that type of commitment.
“That’s not possible.” I pull her in my arms, squeezing her tight. “You need to spread your wings and fly sweetheart. And I have some issues I need to work on.”
“What am I going to do without you,” she asks, her words muffled against my chest.
“Live your life, baby.” I rub my hand over her dark, springy coils, breathing in the sweet, lingering scent of her lavender and honey shampoo. “You’re free now. Do whatever your heart desires.”
That’s all I want for her. I want her to be happy even if that happiness comes without me. She deserves nothing but the world.
Before she responds, her phone dings. She steps out of my embrace again and it feels like my world has shattered completely. When she gazes at the text, she sighs. “That’s my rideshare. I didn’t know how I was going to make my flight, so I booked one.”
“You got everything?”
She nods. “I think I do.”
“If anything comes up, go to the Sinners clubhouse, ask for Diablo, and tell him Reaper sent you. Tongue said he programmed the address and number into your phone.”
“Do you think I’ll need it?” she asks with a little fear in her eyes.
We got rid of the Bratva in Oakland except the Volkov’s who have a tentative business arrangement with the Sinners, but you can’t be too cautious. Anything can happen.
“No, I don’t, but it’s just in case anything comes up you can’t handle on your own. I’ll get to you as soon as I can, but that’s the safest place you can be until I get there. Did Tongue give you the black card?”
“Yes, but I don’t…”
“Use it, Paris,” I say, cutting her off. “It’s to help you get back on your feet.”
Tongue said at first she refused it, but after he didn’t back down, she reluctantly took it.
I put in a call to my friend, Brian Hamm and asked him for a favor after I found out she had put in an application at his company BH Cyber Securities .
It’s a favor that’s going to cost me a lot but it’s worth it to make her happy.
He offered her a job, a furnished apartment, along with paid utilities and the first month’s rent.
With her job secured and a place to stay, Paris has her new life in front of her.
And while it hurts like a bitch, I’m happy she has nothing but a bright future waiting for her.
“I’ll only use it if I need it, and I’ll pay you back.”
There’s no use in arguing with her when she’s got her mind set to something.
“I guess this is it,” she says, another tear rolling down her cheek.
“This is not goodbye, sweetheart, okay?” I whisper. “It’s see you later.”
She nods, gazing into my eyes, then gently kisses my lips. “See you later.”
My heart squeezes in my chest. I hate to let her go, but this is the best thing for her. “Take care of yourself, baby. And call me when you get settled in.”
“I will.”
She walks to the door, and I follow. Our steps are slow, heavy with the weight of the moment because we both know this is it. This is the end of something neither one of us expected.
She grabs her backpack and puts it on. Then she grabs the handles of her two rolling suitcases.
I open the door for her, and she rolls them out into the hallway.
I watch her walk to the elevator, her footsteps echoing softly on the polished marble floor.
And with each step she takes, a fresh wave of sorrow washes over me, each footfall a blow to my heart.
When the elevator door opens, her teary gaze lands on me. I wink at her hoping it will cause her to smile and when she laughs, it helps relieve the tension in her shoulders a fraction. Then she disappears inside and out of my life, leaving a void I don’t believe I will ever recover from.
I don’t know how long I stand here hoping she’ll suddenly appear again, but that’s wishful thinking.
A deep sigh escapes me as I rake my hand down my face—the emotional weight of the day finally settling in.
Things will never be the same now that she’s gone.
It’s my new existence. I have no other choice but to get used to it.
When I go to step back inside my condo, the elevator door opens grabbing my attention. And for a moment my heart soars at the belief she’s come back, but as soon as Dylan and Gavin step off the elevator, my heart plummets. Once again wishful thinking.
“What are y’all doing here?”
Gavin proudly displays two six-packs of beer, while Dylan hefts two large brown bags of what I presume to be food.
“We figured you might want some company,” Dylan says as they walk toward me.
“I don’t.”
“Yes, you do,” King says. “Let’s get drunk.”
I need to be by myself; the last thing I want is company. All I want to do is get drunk alone and go to bed, but I don’t tell them that. This time it might be better if I don’t go through this alone.
“Come in, then.”
“You want to talk about it?” King says.
My brothers are sitting on my couch across from me expecting me to tell them my feelings and I don’t want to, even though I know it’s probably best not to keep everything bottled up inside. It’s one reason I haven’t completely opened up with Paris. Sharing my feelings isn’t my strong suit.
“Not really,” I mumble, taking a sip of my beer. “It’s time to move on.”
“But you love her,” Saint says. “And from what I see, she loves you too. Why the hell do either of you need to move on?”
I do love her. I can admit it to myself, but it doesn’t mean we should be together.
“What’s holding you back?” King asks.
Sighing, I sense neither of them are going to let it go, so I guess I need to start from the beginning so they can understand my thinking.
I lean back in my chair, with my bottle of beer resting between my thighs. “I was in love a few years ago. Her name was Blake.”
“What? Blake? Who the hell is Blake?” King asks.
“She’s the love of my life. Or at least I thought she was until I met Paris. Anyway, she died of ovarian cancer five years ago.”
“That’s before you came back to Oakland?” King asks. “She’s the reason you stayed away so long?”
I nod. “And her death is the only reason I came back. Anyway, I learned one thing while I was with her as she went through her sickness, we have to live life to the fullest because we never know when our life is going to be cut short.”
“Okay, but what does that have to do with you and Paris?” Saint asks.
“This is the time for Paris to live her life. I can’t take that away from her. She deserves to have a new life after everything she’s gone through.”
“So, you let her go?” Saint asks.
“I did. Regardless, if it hurts her or me, she needs this time to be free to do what she wants to do without being restrained by a relationship.”
“Damn, bro,” King says. “That’s definitely not what I was expecting, but I’m proud of you for putting her before yourself. That’s true love.”
That’s true love.
“To true love,” King says, holding up his beer and I raise mine.
“So, tell us about Blake,” Saint says. “She had to be something else to get you to settle down.”
I chuckle. “She was awesome. There will never be another Blake.”
I can’t help but smile at the memories we’ve shared. She was a wonderful woman and even I can admit I’ve been blessed to have had her in my life. But she’s gone now and the best part of my past. Maybe this is the start of me leaving my past behind and moving into a new future.