Chapter 23
THE RIDE BACK HOME is unexpectedly tense. Nate can obviously sense that my mood has shifted, but I can’t bring myself to admit why.
As if in response, a light rain has started, and Nate drives slowly, the steady rhythm of the windshield wipers the only sound.
As we pull up to the house, Nate catches my eye, but I throw myself out of the car, not wanting to talk about it.
Honestly, maybe I really should call Sloane back and just tell her I’m in.
The sooner I can fly home and get ready for the show—and for the rest of my life to begin—the better.
It’ll save me hanging around embarrassing myself by half drooling over a guy who a) is completely wrong for me and b) very blatantly just wants to be friends.
But in my rush to escape an unpleasant situation, I barge headlong into another one.
“Surprise!”
A streamer that says HAPPY BIRTHDAY hangs over the kitchen table. The kids stand in front of Linney. Mom and Dad are there, beaming beside Cooper and Cara. Pete and Tripp are blowing party horns. They’re all wearing party hats, except for Anna Carol, who is wearing one of my pageant crowns.
With slow-dawning horror, I realize this is a surprise party. For me.
I’d hoped to have one more day before entering my thirties, but it looks like my twenties have been unceremoniously cut short. And if I had been planning to celebrate, I would have at least changed my clothes, done my hair and makeup.
Still, their expectant looks of delight leave me no choice but to do what I do best. Rally. “Wow! I didn’t know y’all were going to do this!” I force cheerfulness into my voice.
“Hence the surprise,” Cooper says, unhelpfully.
“Aw, you shouldn’t have!”
Really, they shouldn’t have. I hate surprises. Which my family well knows.
“It was Cara’s idea,” Cooper adds.
Well, I guess that explains it.
“You’ve just been doing so much for the wedding,” Cara says sheepishly. “I thought it would be nice to do something for you.”
I force a smile in her direction. I genuinely can’t tell if she’s actually trying to be nice or just messing with me. But I’m leaning toward the latter. After all, I told her on the day she got here that I don’t like surprises…
But then Nate pipes up. “Yeah, we all thought it’d be a shame to have the day go by without doing something for ya.”
I look at him, startled. He gives me a grin and a knowing look, like, See, you’re not the only one who can do thoughtful things. Suddenly, my annoyance with Cara slips away, and I’m back to the all-consuming angst and confusion I’m starting to feel constantly around Nate.
I turn away from him, focusing my attention on the table, where there are three rounds of frosted cake.
“One for each decade of your life!” Cooper blows three times into a party horn to underline his point. Cara comes to his side, and he hooks an arm around her waist.
I wince as one end of the HAPPY BIRTHDAY sign pulls free from its tape, a “Y” lodging in chocolate icing. Linney plucks it free, wiping off the icing and attempting to reattach it to the wall.
Anna Carol and William help me blow out the candles, which does make me smile, and I accept a plate with cake from my mom.
“I can’t believe my little girl is thirty,” she says with a wistful tilt of her head. “When I was your age—”
“You already had three kids and a fourth on the way,” I cut in. “I know.”
Mom stiffens just a fraction. “Well, yes.” She looks over at Dad, both of them adopting soft smiles as they reminisce. “I felt like I was finally figuring things out, you know?”
I nod. “Mm-hmm.” No, I don’t. At all.
“There’s something about that age,” Mom continues. “Makes you think about what you’ve done… and what’s still waiting for you.”
Her eyes sparkle, and I know exactly what she’s thinking about.
The weight of her hopefulness feels physically impossible to bear right this second.
“Well, next July on my thirty-first birthday, we can do a performance review and see if I’m finally caught up!” I sort of mean it as a joke, but it comes out sounding bitter and ungrateful.
Which, if I’m being honest, is a little bit how I feel right now.
The second the words tumble out of my mouth, though, I want to stuff them back in. I’ve let my true feelings creep out for everyone to see. A rare occasion indeed. I’m always so good at keeping it together, keeping that frozen smile locked onto my face like it’s been tattooed there.
Mom has that wounded look on her face again—though it quickly morphs into something mollifying. “Nikki-Belle, just think. This time next year you’ll have done a new spin on LovedBy, and who knows, you could be back here with a new fiancé on your arm!”
Oh god. There it is. “Mom!”
You could hear a pin drop the way the room suddenly goes quiet.
Linney and Pete trade a glance. The kids quiet mid-giggle, sensing the shift in the grown-up energy.
Dad, ever the peacemaker, places a hand on Mom’s arm. “Hey now, what’s this about LovedBy?” He looks between Mom and me.
“They want her back!” Mom exclaims. “For the spin-off. A Shore Thing. Which, of course they do; she was the best-rated season they had, you know.”
I glare at her and then can’t help but cast a glance over at Nate.
His expression is no longer smiling and knowing. Now, it’s unreadable.
“Oh, sugar, I know I’m not supposed to say anything, but it’s only family here. And I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of all my children.”
“It’s not—” I stutter. “It’s not actually a sure thing. I haven’t given an answer or anything. It was just an offer. I’m sure they’re only fielding who’s available.”
Everyone is still staring wide-eyed at me, and I don’t blame them.
I know what the rest of them are thinking.
Unlike my mom, they’re thinking, Why on God’s green earth does Nikki think another run around reality TV is a good idea?
The first time, it was so exciting, so life-changing.
The show gave me a platform. It catapulted my career.
There’s so much I have that opportunity to thank for.
But to go on again, in any capacity, is still a wild, incalculable risk. For my reputation, and for my heart.
I take a bite of cake, the frosting sweet and rich—I can feel it sticking to my teeth. The kids resume their chatter. Pete puts on a pop-country playlist while Cooper and Cara pretend to feed each other bites of wedding cake. The room refills with warmth, commotion, and love.
My eyes flick to Nate again, but he’s focused on my niece and nephew.
I watch him lift Anna Carol to sit on the kitchen counter, narrating some epic story about how vanilla crème and red velvet are sworn enemies.
His eyes find mine across the room, soft and steady—and despite my best efforts to think of anything else, my mind conjures a fleeting fantasy of what it would feel like if he were here for my next birthday… and all the ones after that.
THE SUN IS STARTING to set, and I can’t sit around here pretending to feel festive for my birthday when I’m anything but. So after helping clear away a few plates, I throw on my running shoes and head out for a walk to clear my head—and burn through some of the cake I regret eating.
But minutes after I’ve started circling the outer edge of the lake, I hear Nate calling out to me. “Nikki. Wait up.”
I turn and wait as he jogs over.
“Sorry I fled my own party,” I say as he catches up, and we continue walking the perimeter of the lake side by side.
“Nah, no one noticed,” he says, which doesn’t make me feel any better. “Anyway, I get it. You have a thing with birthdays, I have a thing with bees. I guess we’re even.”
The sun is still setting on the western side of the property, but here on the eastern side, night has already fallen.
“How do you feel about lightning bugs?” I ask. In the soft gloam of dusk, I see a few bobbing over the lawn and wonder if I’m about to witness another display of acrobatics from Nate.
“I’m a fan.”
“You’re not scared of them?” I tease.
“No and I’m not scared of bees, either, I’ll have you know. I just don’t want to be complicit in their suicide. They sting me, they die. I can’t have that on my conscience.”
“Of course not.” I pause, waiting for the next lightning bug glow.
One flickers to my left, and I track the insect in the dark.
I cup my hands around it, peeking inside to make sure I got it.
It glows once, and even as an adult, it still feels like a small miracle, like I’m holding a star.
Then I open my hands again, watching as the insect flutters away.
Blinking once, then twice before I lose track of it again.
I turn to Nate, and his eyes are on me. “Why did you get upset earlier at the flower farm?” he asks softly.
I stiffen. “I wasn’t upset.”
His eyebrows furrow, and he tries to give me an affronted look, but a smile breaks through. “I was there, Nicole.”
“Nikki’s fine.” I don’t know what it is about Nate that makes me so susceptible to his smiles, but my lips curl up.
“We’re having a serious conversation.” He steps toward me, closing the distance. “We need to use our serious names.”
“Okay, Nathan.”
“Uh-uh,” he waggles a finger at me, his smile widens and I catch sight of his one crooked tooth. “Nathaniel.”
“Oh, that’s very serious.” I meet his gaze, and my breath catches at the intensity of his expression.
“There are times when I’m a very serious man, Nicole.” And the heat in his eyes thrums through my entire body.
He steps away. The potency of the moment lessens, but it doesn’t disappear.
“Seriously, though. Did I do something wrong? I could tell you didn’t like that that woman thought we were together, so I made it clear we weren’t.
” His face doesn’t betray any hurt at that simple statement of fact.
His expression is open and curious. It’s clear that he thinks he was helping me. Trying to give me cover.
“I appreciate that,” I tell him.
He shrugs. “You like to keep your private life private.”