7. Sara
SARA
The female care aisle at the Walgreens on Lindbergh was empty, which was the only reason I was still standing in it.
Had there been other people, I'd have left the store or waited elsewhere for the aisle to clear.
It was embarrassing enough fearing a surprise pregnancy, but after more than a month of living in this neighborhood, I was starting to get to know people.
People I didn't want knowing my personal business.
I'd walked past it twice already, once pretending I needed toothpaste and once pretending I was looking for Band-Aids, before I finally turned down the aisle and stopped in front of the pregnancy tests.
There were at least a dozen brands lined up on the shelf, and every single box had a different promise on it—early detection, digital results, six days before your missed period.
I picked one up and turned it over and read the back without absorbing a single word because of how numb I felt, then put it back and picked up another one.
Between the stress of the move and fear of Tony, and the sleepless nights spent staring at the ceiling wondering if he was going to show up at my brother's door, my body had been the last thing on my mind.
I didn't remember a period this month, or last month either, for that matter.
So the nausea made sense, and the exhaustion made sense, and the way my bras had been fitting tighter made sense too.
I grabbed a pink box that had two tests in it and walked to the front of the store before I could talk myself out of it.
The cashier was a girl who looked about my age with a high ponytail and long acrylic nails that'd been painted in rainbow colors.
She smacked her gum and lifted both eyebrows as she scanned the test and rang me up.
She glanced at the test and then at me and asked, "You need a bag for this?"
"Please."
She dropped it into a white plastic bag and folded the top over. "Good luck, hon. Whichever way you're hoping it goes." It was a thoughtful gesture, though spoken in a flat tone, and I was just thankful I didn't know her.
"Thanks." I paid in cash and took the bag and walked out the door into the crisp fall air.
It was hard not to think about home and the fun things happening in Grove Hill this time of year.
I wondered if Garret was participating in the Fall Bar Crawl this year or if he'd sit it out, or how Mom's plans for the diner's tent at the fall festival were going.
All things I was missing because of Tony.
It made this test feel even heavier as I stalked to my car.
I drove home and parked in Danny's spot.
The apartment was quiet and would stay that way for the rest of the week.
My brothers were both out of state for a race series and wouldn't be back until Friday, which meant I had four days of privacy to fall apart in peace if I needed to.
I felt like I knew what my response would be because my gut told me I already knew the answer to this test, but when reality hit, I didn't know for sure how I'd respond.
I didn’t want them asking questions right now when I already felt so raw.
I'd been moping around their place since I got here, almost six weeks ago now, and they'd put me to work on their bikes.
Andy said something about making me their pit crew leader, but I shied away from that for now.
If I went into that position as foggy-headed as I'd been over Garret and that crap with Tony, I'd make mistakes. I had to think clearly.
With them gone, it was the perfect opportunity to get this part out of the way, so I took the box into the bathroom and tore it open.
I followed the instructions by peeing on the stick and set the test face down on the counter then washed my hands.
The box said to wait three minutes, so I sat on the edge of the bathtub to wait.
But I only made it to about ninety seconds before my hands started shaking. I felt like I was going to cry.
Having a baby alone had never been in my plan. I supposed even the best plans needed a contingency or two. Life knew how to throw a curveball when I least expected it.
When three minutes were up, I stood and picked up the test and immediately noticed the two dark lines in the readout window, and I'd read the packages well enough to know two lines meant positive. I was pregnant.
My knees went weak and I lowered myself back onto the edge of the tub and let the tears come for real.
They weren't all sad and they weren't all happy, and I couldn't have separated them even if I'd tried. A baby meant change, and it meant coming clean to my family about some things, though I knew I couldn’t tell them about Garret. Dad would never forgive me.
And there was no point in telling Garret, anyway.
I'd broken things off because he wasn’t interested in a relationship.
When he called me the day of the races, I figured he'd shown up wanting a quickie in the tack shed like normal.
It was bittersweet thinking about how he'd shown up to support me but deep down, I'd known the truth all along.
When we first met, he made it clear what he expected, but I let myself foolishly hope for more. It should never have happened.
If he found out I'd had a child, it wouldn't be because I told him. If he wanted nothing to do with me, then he'd surely want nothing to do with a kid. As far as my family was concerned, no one needed to know who the father was. Women had one-night stands all the time.
I washed my face and wrapped the test up in some toilet paper before tossing it in the trash. Then I picked up my phone and called my mom for a little encouragement, with no intention to tell her why I was feeling down.
She answered on the second ring. "Sara, honey. I was just thinking about you."
"Hey, Mom." I kept my voice steady and sat down at the kitchen table. "How are things?"
"Oh, you know. Same as always. The diner's been busy this week. We had that church group come through on Wednesday and they ordered sixteen plates of biscuits and gravy. I thought I was going to run out of sausage."
I almost smiled. "Did you?" Having normal conversation when I felt this conflicted and emotional was hard.
"I did not. Your mother always keeps extra in the walk-in because I know better than to trust the Wednesday crowd." She paused, and I could hear the squeak of her rocking chair. "How are you doing up there? Are you eating enough?"
"I'm eating fine, Mom."
"And Daniel's treating you well? You've got everything you need?"
"He's been great. I've got everything I need." More like he'd gotten everything he needed. Dan and Andy lived like slobs. My moving in was a godsend as far as they were concerned. I became their housekeeper.
"Good. That's good." Another pause, and this one was longer.
I knew what she wanted to say before she said it.
"Sara, I wish you'd come home. I know you want to be out on the road like your brothers, but you've got a life here, honey.
Your dad could use you at the shop and I could use you at the diner, and this thing was only supposed to be temporary. "
I closed my eyes and pressed my lips together hard. "I know, Mom. I'm just not ready yet."
"You keep saying that."
"Because it's still true." I sighed. How was I supposed to explain that my moving home so long as Tony was in town put them in danger?
She sighed, and I could hear the worry in it even through the phone. "Alright. I won't push. But I need you to know the door's always open and your room is exactly the way you left it."
"I know." My throat was getting tight, and I coughed a few times to clear it. "What else is going on at home? Anything new?"
"Well, a girl from Jefferson City won the race… Kendra something. She was good, from what your father heard, but she wasn't you. Everyone was asking where you were."
I had a lot of resentment over that. Tony scared me so badly, he chased me out of town before the race. I'd never get that chance again, and now a different woman had won. "That's good for her. She earned it."
"She did. But it should've been you up there, sweetheart." Mom's voice softened and she said, "Your father said it wasn't the same without his girl on the track."
"Mom, don't."
"I'm just telling you what he said. He misses you, Sara. He won't say it outright because you know how he is, but the shop's been quiet without you there, and he's been a little low. He doesn't have his helper anymore."
I pressed my hand over my eyes and took a shaky breath. "Tell him I miss him too."
"I will. And you'll come home for the holidays? Daniel and Andrew are planning to come in for Christmas, and it'd mean the world to your father if all three of you were here."
"We were thinking of hosting… You could come here?" We hadn't spoken at all, but the idea of returning to Grove Hill made me feel gut sick.
"Yeah, we can talk about it." I could hear her smiling, and it made the ache in my chest ten times worse. "You call me anytime, honey. Day or night. I mean that."
"I will. I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, sweetheart. So much."
I ended the call and set the phone face down on the table and pressed both hands over my mouth.
The tears came fast and I didn't try to stop them because there was nobody there to see me breaking down.
I cried until my ribs hurt, sitting alone at my brother's kitchen table in a city I didn't want to be in, carrying a baby I couldn't tell anyone about, missing a man who didn't even care that I was gone.
Grove Hill wasn't my home anymore. I didn't know where home was now.