25. Sara
SARA
Danny was at the stove making pancakes when I came into the kitchen with my jacket over my arm. Kip sat in his booster seat banging a plastic fork on the tray, and I leaned down and kissed his head and wiped a smear of syrup off his cheek.
"Can you watch Kip for a few hours?" I asked Danny. "I need to go see Mom at the hospital." I hadn't been avoiding the hospital, but every time I visited there it got harder to cope with the growing sense that Dad wasn’t coming back to us.
"Yeah." He flipped a pancake and glanced at me over his shoulder. "Is it smart for you to be out alone with that neanderthal riding around threatening you?"
"He won't bother me, Danny." I wasn't sure if he meant Tony and the threats or if he was referring to Garret. I knew Andy and Danny told each other everything.
He turned the heat down on the griddle before he set the spatula down and turned to face me. "Sara, is it true? What Tony said… Is Garret really Kip's father?"
Kip was humming to himself and mashing a piece of pancake between his fingers.
My eyes stayed on him for a long moment before I looked at Danny.
There was no point in denying it now. I knew when I chose to keep this secret that it would eventually come out.
It was time to start facing the music, which was what I planned to do when I spoke with Mom.
"Yes," I said. "He is." Shame tried to creep in but I forced myself to look him right in the eye. If I let this continue to keep me cowering, what would that teach my own son about himself as he grew? Garret was an amazing man, not someone to be ashamed of.
Danny's jaw clenched and the flush crept up his neck. Before he could start I held up my hand.
"It was a stupid fling—I was rebelling or something. But I know we can't ever be together…" My lip quivered as I continued. "That's why he doesn't know, and I need you to keep this to yourself. Promise me."
He exhaled hard through his nose and looked at Kip. "I don’t like it, Sara. Mom's gonna be so mad."
"I know," I muttered, then I slunk out of the house to my car. I carried the weight of that guilt and fear over Mom's reaction all the way to the hospital.
When I made my way into Dad's room, Mom was seated by his side, as she had been every time I visited, but today her eyes were filled with tears.
She looked up at me and smiled sadly, then back at Dad's face.
His eyes were more sunken than before, dark circles ringing them under pale skin that showed how much weight he'd lost just lying there.
"Everything okay?" I asked as I walked up and stood behind her, resting my hand on her shoulder.
"The doctor says we might need to talk about letting him go," Mom said sadly, sniffling. "He's not going to wake up, Sara. We may have to make the decision this week."
She reached up and covered my hand with hers as my shoulders sank.
I didn't know what to say to make this better.
There really was nothing to say. The priest had been in to read Dad his last rights, or so Andrew had told me the other night after coming home in a bad mood from a visit.
We all sort of knew this was how it would go.
It didn't make accepting that truth any easier though.
I pulled a chair up to sit with her because the reason I came to see her was only partially about Dad.
I had hidden behind my fear long enough, and it was time for me to speak up.
My father taught me that doing the right thing was more important than being comfortable, and that someday I'd be tasked with proving my character.
I pretended I could hide from this for so long I felt ashamed of myself, and I didn't want to feel that shame anymore.
Not even if it meant leaving my family for good.
"Mom, I need to tell you some things." My chair scraped the floor as I pulled it closer to hers. "And I need you to let me get through all of it before you react."
She turned to me with red-rimmed eyes and waited.
"Crank is Kip's father."
Mom's eyes narrowed in confusion as she studied me. It looked like she wanted to say something but I didn't let her.
"We were together four years ago," I continued before she could interrupt.
"We were seeing each other for months, sneaking around because we both knew Dad would never allow it.
I, uh…" I swallowed back some emotion as tears threatened to spill.
"I didn't know until I was already in St. Louis, and by then it was just easier to hide who the father was. "
"Oh, Sara," she said sadly. I couldn't tell if it was disappointment or weariness. This was more bad news on top of bad news. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and I could see her trying to hold steady even though her chin was trembling. "Baby, I?—"
"There’s more, Mom," I interrupted again.
"A few nights before I left…" My stomach flipped as I took a breath, convincing myself this was what I had to do.
"I saw Lightning with Mandy behind the diner by the dumpsters…
" This was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life.
"I think he killed her. I saw him choking her. "
Mom's hand flew to her mouth. The color had drained from her face until she looked almost as pale as Dad on the pillow beside her. Tears slid down her cheeks, but it was fear in her eyes.
"Mom, say something."
"Why didn't you go to the police?" She shook her head, used the tissue in her hand to dab at her eyes. "We have to tell the sheriff."
"And then what?" I reached over and took her hand and held it. "Mom, club loyalty runs deep. If word got out that I'd gone to the cops, they wouldn't wait for an investigation. Tony has them convinced he's perfect. They'd come after me and Kip would get caught in the middle of it."
"No, I don't believe that. I'll call the sheriff for you." Mom reached for her phone and I grabbed her hand hard.
"Mom, please. Tony threatened to kill you and Dad, and now he knows about Kip. I can't let that happen." There was a tense moment where I knew she was upset with me, but her eyes softened and her face drooped again.
"Oh, Sara, I don't know where we went wrong…"
"Mom, you and Dad didn't do this, okay? I was in the wrong place at the wrong time and?—"
"And had a criminal's baby?" She pursed her lips then blew her nose and dabbed her eyes again.
"I understand the fear, though." Her eyes drifted over to Dad's face and looked like she was focusing on something far away.
"Your father saw Garret selling drugs once, chased the guy off who was trying to buy it, and then told Garret if he ever did it again, he'd call the sheriff.
I knew he would've saved that boy's life that day if he'd have done it… Now look at him."
I never knew that, but it makes perfect sense. Dad had a big heart. He wouldn’t have wanted Garret to go to jail over a bad choice like that. And he knew it would bring Fox's wrath down on him. Fear kept him silent, just like me.
"Mom, I'm gonna go back to St. Louis." Her eyes shot to my face but I kept talking. "I have to get Kip out of town. Tony is going to go nuts. He's already escalating things with the Black Locusts. I don't want him coming after you."
"Baby, no."
"Mom, I'll come back for the funeral or if Dad gets better… I promise." Now I was crying. "The diner is self-sufficient. I have Amber managing things well. You don't have to do anything until you're ready. But I really have to go."
Mom's face drooped more but she nodded like she understood.
"You do what you have to do, baby. Okay?
I'm gonna sit with Dad a bit longer." She faked a smile and turned back to him.
I knew it was killing her, but my hands were tied by Tony's threats.
And now that he knew about Kip, getting out of town was my only option.
It was going to destroy my heart to do it. Leaving Garret behind just as he told me he loved me would be harder than running off when I was hurt by him, but Tony would kill every one of them. And if he didn't kill me too, I'd have to live with that guilt the rest of my life.