Chapter 30
LEVI
CHAPTER THIRTY
After that last time, Harper had finally fallen into a deep sleep, her body heavy against mine. Meanwhile, I’d lain awake, the knowledge of just how badly I’d fucked up weighing heavily on my mind.
Last night had been a test, and I’d failed spectacularly. Had given in to the temptation I’d been fighting against for years—the one where I gave up, gave in, and went after exactly what I wanted.
Her.
Harper was curled into me, her leg thrown over mine, her head resting on my chest. When we were tangled together like this, it was easy to pretend everything was different. That this was what I woke up to every morning—the feel of her body against mine, her soft breaths sweeping over my chest.
But it wasn’t. This wasn’t our life…could never be.
Pressing my nose to her hair, I inhaled deeply and tightened my arm around her. Holding her close like I had a right to. Like I hadn’t lost that privilege when I’d thrown it all away.
I glanced down at her, at the sleep lines on her face, the shadow of makeup still smudged beneath her eyes. Her parents had always made sure she was poised and polished, their perfect little doll. Probably why I enjoyed seeing her like this, all sleep-rumpled and messy, especially knowing I’d been the one who’d done it to her.
I’d taken the prim and posh Harper Davidson, a distinguished woman, and I’d dirtied her up. I’d made her get on her knees for me…made her come so many times, she cried. Made her beg me to fuck her, to make her come. I’d made her so oversensitive she recoiled from the lightest touch, all while craving it at the same time.
But dirtying her was what I was good at. It was what I’d always done…the entire reason I’d left her in the first place. From day fucking one, she’d deserved better than whatever the hell she’d get with me. And it was time I got back to reality.
I slipped out from under her, careful not to disturb her. She shifted slightly when I got out of bed before settling against the pillows and falling straight back to sleep. I watched her for longer than I should have, staring at the soft curve of her jaw, her pillowy lips parted in sleep, all the while wishing things could be different.
But they couldn’t. That was a path I wasn’t willing to consider. I needed to get out of here. Needed to figure out what the fuck I was supposed to do now.
She hadn’t even been here for a month, and I hadn’t been able to keep my dick in my pants. I’d gone twelve fucking years without it, and she had me snapping in mere weeks, with more still in front of us.
I threw on some clothes and slipped out of my room, not even wanting to shower before I left so I could smell her on me all day.
I was so completely and utterly fucked.
Since the morning meetings had been temporarily relocated in deference to the construction happening at the main inn, I pulled into the diner parking lot and spotted Chase heading my way.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” He eyed me up and down as I climbed off my motorcycle. “Do I have my days mixed up? I thought it was Wednesday.”
“It is Wednesday.”
“Then my first question stands—what the fuck are you doing here?”
“Can I not go to the morning meeting?”
“You can. You just never do. And my wife has to threaten you with bodily harm to get you to show up.”
“Yeah, well, I was in the neighborhood.”
“In the neighborhood? What the—” Chase snapped his mouth shut and scanned me from head to toe, his brows inching up. “I take it leaving dirty dishes in the sink in an effort to push Harper out didn’t work?”
“You never told me to leave dirty dishes in the sink.”
“I told you to make her uncomfortable.”
Yeah, and I’d taken it exactly as far as I’d needed to.
He must’ve read the guilt on my face because he narrowed his eyes. “What did you do?”
I shrugged like it was no big deal and glanced away. “I threw some porn on the TV and made sure she caught me in the middle of jerking off in the living room.”
Chase let out a groan and scrubbed a hand down his face. “Jesus Christ, man. You are so fucking stupid. When I told you to make her uncomfortable, I meant doing shit like leaving the toilet seat up so she falls in at three a.m. or eating all her food. Don’t take out the garbage, use the bathroom floor as your personal hamper. I didn’t mean rub one out in the fucking living room.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Well, maybe you should have been a little bit more specific, then.”
He studied me for long moments before finally shaking his head. “So, you slept together. Saw that one coming a mile away,” he muttered. He raised a brow in my direction. “How was it?”
The look I shot him must have been answer enough.
“Right. Saw that coming a mile away, too.” He reached up and ran a hand over the stubble covering his jaw. “Well, how did you leave things?”
With her none the wiser, looking like a goddamn angel spread out on my sheets. Except everyone knew an angel didn’t belong with someone whose demons had been haunting him for years.
“I just left.”
His brows hit his hairline as he stared at me. “Without saying anything.”
“She was asleep.”
He groaned and scrubbed a hand down his face. “You fucking idiot.”
“Thanks, man.”
“Did you stop to think for one second that leaving her alone after you fucked her might bring back some feelings from the last time you left her?”
I froze as his words sank in. Fuck me. He was right. I hadn’t even considered how my leaving without a word might resurrect bad memories for her. I’d been too focused on keeping my walls intact and ultimately protecting her from whatever stain I’d bring to her doorstep.
But in doing so, I’d treated her like some random hookup I could just fuck and flee. Worse, she had no idea she meant more to me than that because I’d made sure of it. Made sure to hide that she still—that she’d always—meant everything to me.
“I see by the look on your face that you’re starting to get it. At least send her a text. Because now that your sister’s seen you”—he gestured to the little shit peering at us through the diner’s front window—“you’re not going anywhere.”
Cursing under my breath, I pulled out my phone and shot off a quick text to Harper before stepping inside the diner. I ignored everyone’s questioning gazes as I took a seat in my usual booth.
“Hey, we can puppy pile early,” Ford said, standing and immediately heading toward Addison, a giant grin splitting his face.
She held her arms out in front of her and shot a glare at each one of us. “I’m not going to be held liable for anything that happens if you shake or jostle me at all.”
Ignoring her threats, Chase strode up to her and pulled out a sucker from his pocket. “How about a ginger lollipop?”
Addison’s irritation melted away, and she exhaled deeply, relief written across her face as she glanced up at her husband. “How did you know?”
He tucked her into his side and pressed a kiss to her temple. “You’re not exactly a delicate puker, Addie.”
Shooting him a glare, she elbowed him in the stomach before sinking back into his side. Chase caught her without hesitation, the move so wholly natural, I had no idea how I’d never seen their connection during the years they’d been sneaking around. The ease between them reminded me of how Harper and I used to be. Before I’d thrown away the best thing I’d ever had in my life.
“You hear that?” Addison said, giving Ford the stink eye. “I’m not a delicate puker, so you can puppy pile me at your own risk.”
Ford shrugged, enveloping both her and Chase in a hug. “I’m a firefighter, little D. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve been puked on.”
“As the sheriff, I can definitively say same here.” Brady stood from his chair with Aiden following.
“All I’m saying is, I better not have to clean up anybody’s puke in my diner,” Beck grumbled but joined in the group hug.
I was the last over, my brothers’ arms welcoming me into the fold as we surrounded Chase and Addison, the two people who were expanding our little family of six. She grumbled the entire time, mumbling about making sure to shoot any vomit in our direction. But I didn’t miss the way she wiped at the corner of her eye or the soft sniffle when we all finally pulled away.
After everyone was settled in their seats, Brady cleared his throat. “Before we dive into anything, we need to talk.” He darted his gaze around at us, lingering longer on me. Finally, he cleared his throat. “Dad came by the station last week.”
My body stiffened at the mention of our father, something that didn’t slip past Brady’s notice.
He went on. “I wasn’t in, but Deputy Traeger passed along the message. Apparently, Dad wants to talk.”
Aiden cleared his throat and shot a glance around the group. “He’s been calling me, too, leaving messages and asking if I’ll see him.”
Addison perked up, her interest solely on them. She’d always felt differently about our dad than my brothers or I did. We’d protected her from the worst of it, not wanting her to experience what we’d had to. The broken promises and the abandonment, even while he was right there. But in doing so, that meant she had an unrealistic view of our father. She didn’t know the extent of his selfishness. Had never truly witnessed how little he cared about anything or anyone but himself and his fucking gin.
“Is he…” Addison’s gaze pinged between Brady and Aiden. “Do you think he’s trying to make amends?”
“Maybe. I talked to Mabel,” Brady said. “Apparently, he got out of rehab last month.”
“Great, so we’re one of his twelve steps. Again.” I couldn’t keep the derision out of my tone, having been here too many times to count.
Brady leaned forward, bracing his forearms on the table in front of him. “This is the longest stint in rehab he’s ever had. By far.”
“So what.”
“So maybe we listen.”
I huffed out an incredulous laugh, glancing around at my family who used to be on my side with this, even if they didn’t know the full extent of his sins. Didn’t know the full extent of mine, either.
Where they saw an alcoholic and an absentee father, I saw someone who was complicit in our mom’s death. I’d been stupid enough to give him a message that night, thinking he’d pass it along to her. But instead, he’d done what he always did best. Drank himself stupid before passing out, the message for my mom never delivered.
If it had been, she wouldn’t have gone out. Would have known exactly where Addison and I were that night. She wouldn’t have been on that fucking boat in the raging storm if he’d done the one thing I’d asked him to.
She’d still be here with us today. We wouldn’t have spent the past almost eleven years without the light that had always led this family. And Addison would be able to celebrate her pregnancy with her mother…and my niece or nephew would have a doting grandma to spoil them.
Instead, we had nothing but memories.
“If the rest of you want to let that piece of shit back into your lives, that’s on you. I haven’t been interested for the past decade, and I’m sure as hell not interested now.” Without another word, I stormed out of the diner and settled on my bike. I gripped the handles tightly, frustration seeping into my bones.
I’d never particularly liked my father. It was hard to like someone who chose the bottle over you every single day. But after Mom had died, after his addiction aided in taking her away from us, robbed us of our mother…robbed Addison and Chase’s kid of a grandmother?
I’d never hated someone more, and that was never going to change.