Chapter 35
LEVI
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
With each detail that Harper shared, I realized just how little I knew about the life she’d led since she’d been gone. And none of it had turned out how I thought…how I’d expected it to. But that was because I’d willingly been kept in the dark.
While curiosity frequently ate away at me, I knew if I’d gone digging for information about Harvard or Harper’s job or any of a thousand other details… If I’d known anything at all about her life besides the tiny glimpses I’d gotten the few times she’d been in Starlight Cove, I wouldn’t have been strong enough to stay away.
We’d spent the summers of our childhood saying goodbye at the end of every single one of them. Our entire relationship had been prepping me for the inevitable final goodbye. Because I’d known from the first moment I’d laid my eyes on her that she was never meant to be mine. Was meant for far more than I could ever give her.
She was meant for greatness, and I was doomed to a life of shackles and chains, haunted by memories I couldn’t escape. Didn’t deserve to escape.
“What’s going through your head right now?” she asked, tipping my face back so I didn’t have a choice but to look at her.
I blew out a breath, resting my hands on her hips as she straddled me because I couldn’t stop myself from touching her. Just to remind myself she was here and she was safe. “You don’t want to know.”
“If that were true, I wouldn’t have asked.”
I studied her expression…the open curiosity written on her face, the concern swimming in her eyes. This woman had just nearly died, and she was concerned about me? I didn’t deserve her, and this only emphasized that.
“I’m so fucking sorry, sparrow,” I finally said, my voice thick with emotion. “For everything. For not trusting you to make your own choices and for thinking I somehow knew better.” I shook my head, ashamed that my idiotic decisions and nothing else had ultimately been our downfall. “I was an arrogant little shit, and I fucked up.”
Just one more to add to my list.
Harper was quiet for long moments. So long, the only thing that reassured me she wasn’t going to tell me to fuck off was the gentle brush of her thumbs over my jaw, her soft body against mine. Finally, she said, “Thank you for saying that.”
“I wasn’t just saying it.” I squeezed her hips, needing her to understand my sincerity. “I meant it.”
“I know.” She nodded, her gaze darting across my face. “And I know you did it because you loved me, not because you wanted to control me. But your intention doesn’t erase the impact.”
“You’re right. Chase tried to talk me out of it, but I ignored him and swore him to secrecy. I should’ve just talked to you about it.”
“Ya think?”
I huffed out a laugh at her dry tone, tucking my thumb under the hem of her shirt to rub soft circles against her skin. “I’m not sure if you know this, but talking isn’t exactly my strong suit.”
“I may have realized that over the years.” She finally cracked a smile, and the sight would’ve sent me to my knees if I hadn’t already been sitting.
Knowing just how close I’d come to seeing that smile snuffed out forever was a wrecking ball to my chest. If one tiny thing had gone differently today, I could’ve lost her forever without ever being able to tell her what she meant to me—what she’d always meant to me. Without confessing the past. Without voicing things that had been left unsaid between us. And without getting a second chance to love her exactly how she deserved.
A second chance I hadn’t earned, but fuck if I wasn’t going to take it anyway. For as long as I had her here.
“Christ, I almost lost you today.” Emotion bled into my voice, my throat thick and rough.
“But you didn’t. I’m still here.” She grabbed my hand and placed it on her chest, just over her heart, and I reveled in every thump-thump. “I’m still here,” she said again, softer this time, her tone shifting and allowing a different meaning to seep into my mind. Settle into my heart.
I pressed my lips against her forehead and inhaled deeply, her sweet scent filling my lungs. And I couldn’t help myself any longer. I needed to hold her, to wrap my arms around her and remind myself she was here and she was okay. I hadn’t lost her.
Sliding my hands up her back, I tugged her close. She came easily, settling against me as if it were the most natural thing in the world. She tucked her head beneath my chin, her ear pressed to my chest, and I’d never felt more content than I did right now, in this moment, with her.
Never in a million years had I thought we’d be here again…that I’d have the privilege of being with her like this. And while nothing in this world could convince me she was meant for me, I was going to be a selfish bastard and hold on with both hands anyway. For as long as we had left.
Harper
Between the shot of epinephrine and the talk with Levi, I was exhausted. I’d taken some ibuprofen to get ahead of my inevitable headache that always came after anaphylaxis for me, and it was just a dull, manageable ache now.
I’d been dozing on and off as Levi moved around the apartment, snippets of sounds sneaking into my subconscious. At one point, I thought I heard Beck’s and Mabel’s voices, but I was out again before I could confirm.
I shifted, blinking open my eyes to a now-darkened apartment. Levi sat on the other end of the couch, slumped down in what looked like an incredibly uncomfortable position, his eyes closed. My feet were resting in his lap, his hand cupped possessively around my ankle. And for once, I didn’t try to ignore the butterflies that took flight in my stomach at the sight, at the feel of him. Finally allowing myself to enjoy it.
I had no idea what time it was or how long I’d been out. All I knew was I was starving. With the kitchen in mind as my destination, I tried to slip my feet out of Levi’s lap, but he tightened his grip on me immediately.
Rolling his head toward me, he opened his eyes and allowed his gaze to sweep over me in a way that made me feel looked after…cared for. “What do you need?”
I blinked, frozen for a moment and taken aback. I’d spent most of my life on my own because relying on people who were paid to take care of me didn’t count. Which meant I’d gotten really damn good at providing exactly what I needed. So, allowing someone else to take care of me was altogether new. And something I didn’t easily succumb to.
“I can get it.”
“I never said you couldn’t.” He squeezed my ankle, his thumb brushing soft circles against my skin and sending a shiver rolling through my body. “But I watched you nearly suffocate a few hours ago, so let me do it. Now, tell me. What do you need?”
“I’m just a little hungry.”
He nodded, as if he’d been expecting that. “What sounds good? We’ve got sushi, pizza, fruit, cheese and crackers… I can make you some cinnamon toast or oatmeal if you want something a little more bland. Beck also dropped off some of his homemade mac and cheese.”
“Oh, is that all?”
Levi’s lips quirked up in a grin, a sight I hadn’t seen in far too long. One that shot straight to my heart. “No…I also had Addison grab some of those banana pudding cups you loved.”
Memories swarmed me, and emotion welled in my throat. He remembered. Even after all these years, after being apart for so long, after a decade of life between us, he remembered the exact food I ate after an allergic reaction. He recalled just what I needed, as if he’d been providing it for me this whole time.
And it was then that it became clear he had been, at least while I’d been in Starlight Cove. With the spaghetti the night of the thunderstorm and picking me up from One Night Stan’s after too many drinks and grabbing my coffee just how I liked it more days than not.
Levi had never stopped, even when he’d pretended otherwise.
He squeezed my ankle, his touch reassuring in a way I hadn’t realized I needed. “If none of that sounds good, we’ve got cookies, too. But they came from Mabel, and I’m pretty sure there’s weed in them. She dropped them off after she heard about the scare and told me if anyone deserved a little manufactured mellowing, it was you.”
I cleared my throat, filing away my realization for later. “I’ll maybe save the pot cookies for tomorrow. But I’ll take some of that banana pudding.”
The smile he shot me reminded me of everything I used to love about him. Made me realize exactly how much of that had hung on over the years, clinging to me even when I’d tried to run from it. And just how far I’d already fallen.