Chapter 19 Beau
BEAU
This wasn’t what I’d envisioned for my life.
Everything about what was happening now was wild. Unbelievable. And if I’d been tasked months ago with guessing where I’d be at this precise moment, I could confirm, without a shred of doubt, that this wouldn’t have been even remotely close to the reality that I came up with.
No.
The idea of me arriving at a woman’s apartment every night when she got home from work just so I could spend time with her, often with her falling asleep in the middle of a conversation, would’ve been laughable months ago.
I would’ve considered the notion a waste of my time, especially if the physical part of the relationship didn’t exist.
Of course, I couldn’t lie to myself now and pretend I didn’t miss that.
I did. Tremendously.
But I couldn’t bring myself to even take small steps toward getting there when Jules was so exhausted. With all that she was sacrificing when it came to her body, I refused to make any additional demands of her, even if I thought of being with her like that often.
This felt a bit surreal. Like I’d fallen asleep and was having the longest, craziest dream, and for some reason I couldn’t explain, I was in no hurry to wake up.
In the quiet moments I had alone at home, either after I’d leave Jules’ apartment every evening or throughout the day when she was at work, I often thought about the immense change I was going through.
Yes, there wasn’t quite anything that could compare to what Jules was enduring, and I’d never attempt to make that comparison. What I could do was look at my life before I met her and what it was now and admit that nothing looked the same.
The wildest part about it was that I was content.
Happy.
When I returned from the demo tour and had made up my mind about pursuing Jules, it hadn’t ever crossed my mind that she’d wind up revealing she was pregnant.
I had believed I was going to have time to adjust to the decision, to dip my toe into the romantic relationship waters.
That I’d learn how to be a boyfriend and understand what it was like to care about the thoughts and feelings of someone else.
In a way, I guess I was doing that now. But there was this added layer—a big one, at that—which couldn’t be ignored.
I wasn’t just going to be a man who’d gotten so caught up in a woman and wanted a shot at something real with her. I was going to be a father. A dad.
In the moments immediately after she’d told me, it hadn’t really sunk in. I was too shocked to really digest it for the immense responsibility it was. All I knew for certain was that I didn’t want to risk not having the chance to be with Jules.
But as the days passed, as I had those moments alone to consider the new trajectory of my life, I realized I had a chance. An opportunity to allow something good to come out of the relationship I’d had with my own family.
All these years, the lesson I’d told myself I’d learned from my parents was that love didn’t exist. Not in its purest form, anyway.
But that wasn’t the lesson at all. There was a gift my parents had given me, and that was to teach me who I didn’t want to be.
Maybe it took meeting Jules for me to consider the possibilities.
And perhaps it was the realization that I was going to be a dad that made it so that I’d never have a way out.
But I’d been honest with her when I said I intended to do right by her. So, I was putting every ounce of effort into being that man, no matter how different it was from the life I’d been leading.
Today, I’d met Jules here at her apartment after she’d called to tell me she was leaving work. She’d gone to take a shower, and I’d decided to make dinner.
This had become part of the routine we’d fallen into.
The thought made my lips quirk with a smile.
It had been eleven days since I’d come home from tour, and I was now in a routine with the expectant mother of my child.
She’d come home from work, and we’d talk about our days while we ate dinner.
Sometimes, the conversation would last beyond dinner, and other times, she was simply too tired.
So, we’d turn on the television and just enjoy the quiet company of one another for a couple of hours.
Then I’d head home for the night and wait until I could do it all over again the next day.
Just as I pulled the chicken out of the oven, Jules had emerged.
My eyes landed on her beautiful face, and a smile tugged at the corners of my mouth.
She’d put on a T-shirt and a pair of cotton shorts that showed off those slender, tanned legs.
I thought she looked just as gorgeous as she did the day I took her on a date when she was dressed to the nines.
My fingers still ached with the desire to touch those legs.
“It smells so good in here.” Her tone was soft and lazy, like she could curl up on the couch and sleep for hours.
“I seasoned some chicken, baked some fries, and put together a salad.”
She moaned. “Oh, that sounds so good.”
That sound had me closing my eyes and breathing deeply. Every time I was around her, it was an exercise in self-control.
“Well, it’s ready, so feel free to grab a seat.” I picked up the plate in my hands and jerked my head toward the couch. “I assumed you’d want to be comfortable, so I already put the drinks on the coffee table.”
Jules was already on her way there when she declared, “You’re the best, Beau.”
“It didn’t feel like I’d done anything that great, but I wasn’t going to complain if Jules wanted to offer up some praise. She did that often, and it made me feel more and more confident every day about my ability to do this with her and do it well.
“How was work today?” I asked after she’d gotten in a few bites. I would’ve let her finish completely, but she’d moaned through the first couple of forkfuls she’d put in her mouth, and I couldn’t get the sound out of my head.
“Busy. Like always. This time of year, it never tends to slow down.”
“I actually wanted to talk to you about that.”
“About Westwood’s?”
I shook my head and set my fork down to reach for the glass of water I’d poured. “No. I was curious about your plan for hiring help.”
Jules tipped her head to the side and shot me a confused expression. “Hiring help?”
“Well, you said you have Birdie and Serena there with you, and Serena’s only a part-time employee. Will the two of them be able to manage the place alone once you have the baby?”
Confusion turned to worry. “No. No, I used to do everything on my own when I first started, and it was so difficult, even during the slower months. I don’t know how long I’ll be out, because I haven’t really thought that far ahead.
But even if I could convince Serena to go full time for even just a few months, it would likely be too much. ”
“So, you should probably consider hiring someone soon, shouldn’t you?”
She pressed her lips together. “I guess. But I can’t exactly do that until I’m ready to explain the reason I’m hiring.”
My brows shot up as I sent a deliriously excited grin her way. “Well, we’re going to the first doctor’s appointment in two days.”
Jules laughed at my ridiculous reaction. “Yes, that’s true.”
“I’d imagine that once we confirm everything is okay with you and the baby, you’d want to share the news, right?”
Jules set her fork down and lowered the plate to her lap. Gone was the amusement, replaced by the hint of trepidation that marred her features.
My stomach dropped. “What is it?”
She swallowed roughly. “I… I’m not sure how soon I want to share this news.”
That surprised me.
Because if there was one thing Jules had made clear to me from the very beginning, it was that her family was so important to her. Maybe she thought I was referring to sharing the news with her employees.
Or perhaps it was something else. Fear of what could go wrong. “I presume you’re talking about waiting until you’re out of the first trimester. Is that it?”
In all the reading I’d done to learn about what Jules and I could expect in the coming months, I’d learned about the risk of miscarriage and how it decreased once a woman was in her second trimester.
“That’s not it, Beau.”
“I’m confused. This is your family I’m suggesting telling the news to,” I clarified. “Are you saying you don’t want to do that?”
She picked up a fry and studied it for a few beats before she took a bite and chewed slowly.
I continued to eat, watching her as she worked through whatever thoughts were running through her mind.
Jules did the same with a second fry before she said, “There’s nothing I want more than to tell my family. But this news is… It’s big news.”
“Of course, it is. Does that mean that it’s bad news?”
Other than the nerves she’d displayed the day she told me about the pregnancy, when she admitted how nervous she’d been, Jules hadn’t even once made me think she was upset about the pregnancy.
Obviously, the logistics of it and how we’d work through parenting were a concern for her—just as it would be for any new mom—but I never felt that she was experiencing any regret.
Had I been blind to what was bothering her and overlooked something that should have been so obvious?
A wave of sadness washed over her, and it was all I could do to stay where I was to wait for an explanation instead of giving in to the primal urge that I felt to make my way to the opposite end of the couch and pull her into my arms.
“It’s not bad news,” she murmured, her eyes downcast. “But… Well, things haven’t exactly gone the way I planned they would for my life.
And I’m not saying that I regret this baby.
Not at all. But I look at my brothers and sister, and they’ve done everything right.
They dated and fell in love and got married.
Then they started having babies. I went on two dates and got pregnant. ”