14. Mark
14
MARK
“ H ow’s it going down there?”
Jesse’s voice filtered down to where I was lying under the sink, and I had to resist the urge to shift and smile at him. I was this close to finally getting everything to fit back together.
“Almost done,” I said loudly, knowing my voice sounded muffled. “I just…need…to…”
I trailed off, concentrating on the piece of piping in my hand. Jesse had called me today and asked, almost apologetically, if there were any way I could come over and ‘ help him ’ fix the kitchen sink. Apparently, his landlord had claimed that he couldn’t get a plumber out till next week.
And it would have been a simple fix, except that whoever the last plumber had been, he’d used substandard parts that didn’t want to fit back together because they weren’t actually made to do that. So here I was, lying on my back in Jesse’s kitchen, trying to get it right. Jesse was ‘ helping ’ by holding my toolbox.
If I could just…
“There!” I said, slowly pushing myself out from under the sink. I’d really worked up a sweat, I realized, wiping my brow off with the back of my hand. “But tell your landlord to invest in better parts next time, because whatever the last plumber used is crap. It was practically cardboard. I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did.”
“You’re amazing.” Jesse looked at me with wonder. It was cute, how excited and impressed he was by something as simple as fixing a sink. “I promise, as soon as I can, I’m moving out of here, and you’ll never have to see the inside of this dump again."
“Hey, it’s not that bad,” I said, trying to cheer him up. “And it’s cheap, right?”
He rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I guess. But that’s pretty much its only virtue.”
“As long as you’re saving up money for buying the Sea Glass, it’s worth it.” I stood up. “Which reminds me, how did your meeting with the bank go?”
I knew Jesse was supposed to talk to them, but he’d been working last night, and I’d been reroofing a section of Gigi’s house, so I hadn’t seen him until today. I was looking forward to getting a little bit of one-on-one time with him tonight, though.
“You remembered?” Jesse’s eyes lit up, and I had to laugh.
“Of course I remembered. I’d be an asshole not to.”
“See, you say that, but a lot of people wouldn’t have.”
“Maybe a lot of people are assholes. Anyway, you were supposed to talk to them about getting a loan, right? How’d it go?”
Jesse sighed.
“That good, huh?”
“It wasn’t terrible,” he said, leaning back against the counter. “But it could have been better.”
I could see how frustrated he was as he explained the terms, and I wished there were more I could do for him. He was so passionate, so excited to make his dreams a reality. It honestly didn’t make a lot of sense that someone with his talent and fire would want someone like me—an unemployed veteran who lived with his grandmother and didn’t know what the hell he was doing with his life.
I still couldn’t believe our relationship had been going as well as it had been for as long as it had been. Four weeks had passed since our trip to Summersea, and in almost every way, dating Jesse had been so much easier, so much more comfortable, than any other relationship I’d been in.
Which was why, of course, I was so afraid of him finding out what was wrong with me. I kept waiting for this honeymoon period to end, for the other shoe to drop, because I didn’t know how much longer I could find excuses to not stay over at Jesse’s place. To hide my therapy appointments. To avoid driving or large crowds or all of the other million little things that set me on edge.
Jesse had spent his whole life taking care of his mom and he finally had the chance to follow his own dreams. There was no way he’d want to be with me once he knew how messed up I was. And I couldn’t blame him—which was why I was doing everything I could to keep the inevitable from happening, to keep him from finding out.
It was exhausting.
Worse, it was making me wonder if this relationship was actually good for me. I’d finally found someone I felt like I could be myself with, but the nightmares and the panic attacks had gotten more frequent since our weekend in Summersea, not less. How could a person who was making my life so much better also be the one who was making it worse?
Maybe I’d been right to be worried about falling for Jesse. I could barely keep a hold of myself.
“I don’t know. I’ll make an official offer to Cam soon,” Jesse finished up. “I’m just afraid he won’t think it’s enough. And then I’ll be stuck living in this dump forever.”
“I’m sure he’ll say yes,” I said, trying to buck him up. “He pretty much promised. And hey, even if he doesn’t, you don’t have to stay here forever. Couldn’t you move in with Brooklyn or someone?”
Jesse gave me an unreadable look, and I wondered if he thought I was suggesting that he could move in with me. I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t daydreamed about it. I couldn’t see myself getting sick of him, and the thought of getting to be around him more made me smile. Jesse already felt like home in so many ways. Sharing one with him sounded blissful.
But there’d be no hiding the nightmares and the panic attacks then. No hiding how tense I got over the stupidest things. I used to just be slightly on edge around crowds, never sure if something would set me off. But now…
Just a week ago, I’d been standing in the checkout line at the grocery store and someone had dropped a pallet of cereal boxes, and I’d blanked out. One second, I was standing there, waiting to buy my groceries, and the next thing I knew, the checkout girl was kneeling in front of me, asking if I was okay. I was crouched on the floor, my hands over my ears, completely unsure of where I was for sixty agonizing seconds.
And that was fairly benign, as far as freak-outs went. I’d been able to claim I had a migraine and just stumble home. But since then, I’d been avoiding anywhere that had more than four people together. Anywhere something unexpected could happen. I couldn’t even handle picking up a gallon of milk and some goddamn baby carrots. What was wrong with me?
Almost every night now, I woke up sweating, screaming, convinced I was back in that pass, trying to pull Miller out of the truck. I was at the point where I could barely sleep through the night, which only made me more stressed about Jesse finding out. Even our long runs together didn’t tire me out as much as I’d hoped—and those would be getting shorter, now that we were in the tapering stage before the marathon in a few weeks.
“Brooklyn doesn’t have the space,” Jesse said, pulling me out of my gloomy thoughts. His eyes brightened. “Oh, but speaking of Brooklyn. It’s his birthday today.”
“Yeah? That’s awesome. Tell him happy birthday from me next time you see him.”
“Definitely.” Jesse paused. “Well, actually, you could tell him yourself, if you wanted to come to his party tonight. He’s having it at the Flamingo. It should be a good time, and I, uh, I thought it would be fun if you came,” he finished in a rush.
Oh.
How the fuck was I supposed to answer that? Jesse and I hadn’t made any definite plans for the night, but I’d just assumed we’d spend the evening together. Alone. Fuck.
Maybe if Brooklyn’s birthday had been a month ago, before my brain full-on broke, I would have been brave enough to go and try. For Jesse’s sake. But with everything getting so much worse, I couldn’t risk a panic attack in public—or worse, in front of Jesse. I knew I was being a coward, but I just couldn’t do it.
“Dammit, I’d love to come,” I said, letting my disappointment come through in my voice. “But I promised Gigi I’d do bridge night with her tonight.”
My disappointment was real. It was just the reason that was fake.
“Oh.” Jesse looked sad, but tried to cover it up with a smile. I hated that I could see how hard he was trying. “Oh. Well, that’s okay.”
I felt awful. But I couldn’t explain about the panic attacks without explaining everything, and even if I didn’t explain and just tried to muscle through it, I’d be so on edge that I’d be useless the whole night. Fuck, I was pretty much useless now. What a shitty boyfriend I made.
“Maybe we can do dinner with Brooklyn tomorrow night? Or another time?” I offered, hearing how lame my own words sounded.
“Yeah, definitely. That’d be great.” Jesse’s smile was still forced, and it carved me up like a knife. “Thanks for coming over and helping me.”
“Any time,” I said, kneeling down to put my tools away. “Honestly. It’s my pleasure.”
Jesse bent over for a quick peek under the sink before straightening up. “You really are a life-saver. A magician. A life-saving magician."
“Stop it, you’re making me blush.”
“I like making you blush.”
“Is that why you invited me over here?” I grinned up at him. “Did you intentionally break your sink just so you could call me up and ask me to fix it?”
“And why would I do that?” he asked innocently.
“So you could use me for my body.” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively, and he cracked up.
It felt so good to make him laugh, and it damn near cracked my heart in two at the same time. I wanted Jesse so badly. I cared about him. And I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep doing this.
“I’m horrified that you would think that about me,” Jesse said, still chuckling. "I would never take advantage of you like that.”
“Huh.” I shook my head, snapping my toolbox closed. “That’s a shame. I wouldn’t mind being used by you.”
“Oh yeah?” Jesse leaned back against the counter. “Is that right?”
“Might be.” Still on my knees, I moved right in front of his legs and looked up. My eyes were level with his belt buckle, and I reached up to undo it. “Especially since I feel so bad about missing the party tonight. It’s only fair that I find a way to make it up to you.”
“Mark, no, you don’t have to do this.” Jesse looked surprised. “I was just joking.”
“I know,” I said, my grin widening. “But I want to make you happy.” I unzipped his jeans and palmed his cock underneath his briefs. For all his protesting, Jesse was already mostly hard. “And I can tell you want me to do that too.”
“Not here, though,” Jesse said. He inhaled sharply as I rubbed him and pulled at the thin fabric covering him. “Someone could walk in. Not your dad this time, but still.”
“I’m game if you are,” I said, a shiver running down my spine. “That’s half the fun.”
I slid his briefs down until his dick sprang free, long and firm with a thatch of light hair at the base. I still got a thrill in the pit of my stomach when I looked at it, knowing what I was about to do. It still felt a little wrong, putting my mouth around another man’s cock. A little bit forbidden.
I fucking loved it.
I cupped his balls in one hand and caressed his shaft in the other before gripping the base tightly. Jesse grunted in response and braced himself against the counter. I knew I was totally exposed, that anyone could walk in and see me on my knees, sucking him off. I smiled.
I brought my lips to the tip of his cock and caressed it lightly with my tongue, circling his head and getting him wet before taking him fully with my mouth. Then I wrapped my lips around his shaft and slid down on it, keeping the suction tight.
I loved the way Jesse tasted and smelled. Salty, musky, and masculine. I circled his tip with my tongue again as I slid him in and out, and he moaned. He thrust his hips forward as I began to suck him in earnest, running his hands along the back of my neck and drawing me forward. I slipped the fingers of my left hand into my mouth along with his cock, coating them fully before moving them back to his hole.
Jesse whimpered when I pushed my index finger against his entrance, widening his stance to give me more access. I didn’t have lube with me, but I didn’t need to slide my finger very far in to make him tremble. He loved it when I touched him there, and I loved making him lose control. He was soft and tight around me, the heat of his body driving me crazy.
Jesse began to moan steadily, trying and failing to keep quiet. Well, not failing entirely. If we really had been alone, he would have been twice as loud. I loved that under other circumstances, I could make him scream.
He began bucking underneath me, thrusting his hips forward, sliding more of his cock into my throat, then pushing back onto my fingers. I let him use my mouth, keeping my lips wrapped tightly around him, and hummed as his knees shook. When he came, he clasped the back of my neck and released hard down my throat. I kept my fingers inside him until his body stilled, then licked his cock clean before finally standing up and kissing him. That was something else I’d learned about him this month—he liked the taste of his own cum on my lips.
When Jesse finally pulled away, he gave me a lopsided grin. “What were we talking about before? I don’t even remember.”
“Doesn’t seem to matter as much now, does it?”
It did matter. I knew it did. And I knew that sooner or later, we’d have to deal with the consequences of what was wrong with me.
But I didn’t want to think about that now. I didn’t want to acknowledge the fact that maybe I wasn’t ready to date anyone. That this relationship, no matter how much I cared about Jesse, might not be good for me. Or him.
“No,” Jesse smiled. “No, I guess it doesn’t.”