21. Jesse
21
JESSE
M ark was running straight towards me.
Not just towards me. Into me. He came across the finish line at such a high speed that he ran into me before he could stop himself. All I could do was brace for impact.
I grabbed his shoulders—I wasn’t sure if I was trying to keep myself from falling over, or him—and we stumbled backwards, barely staying upright. Other runners streamed around us, but I was barely conscious of them. All I could see was Mark, right there with me, his eyes shining.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, hope and dread mingled in my stomach, my lungs tight with anticipation instead of exertion now. “What are you—”
“I’m sorry, Jesse. I am so, so sorry.” Mark brought his hands to either side of my face, his eyes holding mine, his chest heaving. “I never should have said what I said, or broken up with you. It was stupid, it was all so stupid. I didn’t want to break up with you, I was just scared, and I got freaked out, and I thought it would be better for both of us if I walked away. But it’s not. It’s worse, it’s so much worse. It’s fucking terrible, actually, because I miss you, and I want you, and I hate that I hurt you, and I—I love you, Jess. I love you, and I can’t stand being broken up, and I’m so sorry, and I know you might not feel the same, but please, you have to at least let me tell you how much I—”
I cut him off with a kiss.
Mark didn’t move at first. I could feel his shock in the stillness of his posture, the way his breath caught as my lips hit his, but I just kissed him harder, wrapping my arms around his neck. There weren’t words for what I was feeling, so the kiss would have to do.
How could I express the overwhelming relief I felt? The release that had me wanting to cry? The elation that the nightmare of the past week was over, and that Mark wanted me, wanted to be with me, and he’d missed me too, and he was here, right here with me, and not going anywhere?
The English language couldn’t do it justice, so I just kissed him, letting all those feelings crash over me at once. I kissed him and kissed him, and soon he was kissing me back, the two of us staggering around like drunken idiots as runners continued to cross the finish line five feet away. I knew we should move to the side and make room, but I didn’t want to stop kissing him long enough to figure out which direction to move—until a thought occurred to me.
I pulled back and smiled at the confused joy I saw in Mark’s eyes. “I love you too,” I told him. “In case that wasn’t clear. It’s going to take a while before my brain can form full sentences again, but that much, at least, I wanted to say before we went any further.”
And then his lips were on mine again, soft and sweet, his tongue tangling with mine, his hands on my cheek and my back. Somewhere, I thought I heard a flashbulb go off but I didn’t care. All that mattered was here, now, Mark. Everything was going to be okay again, if he was here with me.
Finally, Mark broke the kiss, though his hands stayed glued to my body. “I hate to say this,” he said, grimacing, “because I never want to stop kissing you, but could we go somewhere where we could sit down and make out? I got to the race after it started, and I was trying to catch up to you, and I think I just ran the fastest marathon of my life.”
“You sweet idiot,” I laughed. “Why didn’t you just meet me at the finish line?”
Mark blushed. “I should have. Brooklyn told me to, actually. But I wasn’t thinking clearly. Obviously. This past week hasn’t been a great demonstration of my thinking capabilities, to be honest. The only thing I knew for certain was that I had to find you.”
“You saw Brooklyn?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“I did. And he gave me a talking to.”
“Oh, shit, I’m sorry. He shouldn’t have—”
“Yes, he should have,” Mark interrupted. “I deserved it.”
“But he doesn’t know—I mean, I didn’t tell him everything you told me. I didn’t know if you’d be comfortable with me telling him about, well, you know. The point is, he’s only heard my side of the story.”
“And there’ll be plenty of time to tell him my side later,” Mark said. “But for now…”
“Come on.” I took his hand. That, at least, I was never letting go of. “Let’s go get you some water.”
I don’t know what happened for the next hour. How we got our stuff back from the bag drop. How we got home. I think we might have seen Brooklyn somewhere in there, but I might have just imagined it.
I couldn’t pay attention to anything except Mark. Having him here with me again. Maybe I didn’t need a boyfriend to complete me, but it sure felt good to have him by my side.
It sounded like he’d had an even worse week than I had, which just made me want to hug him. Though I had to laugh when he told me he thought I’d gotten back together with Tanner. That was just crazy. But then again, I knew what it was like to feel a little crazy over someone you loved.
We were just walking in the door to my house when my phone buzzed, alerting me of some new notification. I hit ignore without looking at it, but Mark caught my wrist.
“Check it,” he said. “Don’t worry, I’m not going anywhere.”
“It can wait.” It could, but I couldn’t. Not now that I had Mark back, and my bedroom just one flight of stairs away…
“Yeah, but this whole mess could have been avoided—well, at least shortened—if I’d just answered your texts this week. For which I really am sorry, in case I haven’t said that enough yet. But seriously, just check your phone. What if it’s from your family or something?”
I sighed. I did love Mark, but he was being annoyingly responsible when all I wanted was to engage in deviance and debauchery. That was something we were going to have to work on.
“You have nothing to apologize for,” I told him. “Unless this turns out to be something that prevents me from taking you upstairs and ravishing you immediately. In that case, you’ll need to beg my forgiveness on hands and knees.”
“There are lots of things I’d be more than happy to do with you on my knees. After you check your phone.”
I rolled my eyes and pulled my phone out, then grinned in surprise.
“Everything good?” Mark asked, peering at my face. “Can ravishing still commence on schedule?”
“Ravishing can commence with a vengeance,” I said, holding my screen out to him. The notification was for an email, with a PDF attachment. “But you were right to make me check. Look what I just found out.”
Mark looked down at the screen of my phone, and a smile spread across his face as well. “Ooh. Okay, I’m definitely glad I insisted, then.”
“I’d actually forgotten we’d got tested, with everything else that happened this week,” I said, still grinning. “But there’s nothing like a clean bill of health to clear you for unrestrained perversion and filth.”
“I got my results this week too.” Mark’s smile turned mischievous. “STI-free. Not that this means we need to jump right into—”
“Yes,” I interrupted. “That’s exactly what it means.”
My shirt was already off by the time we stumbled upstairs, bumping against the walls and bannister along the way, and Mark’s didn’t last five seconds once we were in my room. He closed the door behind him and followed me to the bed, pushing me back onto it before climbing on top of me.
I loved the feeling of his body, all muscles and exertion, on mine. I loved the weight, the security, feeling like he could protect me. Sure, I’d learned this week that I could be okay on my own. But being with someone was so much better. When that someone was Mark.
“You sure you’re not too tired?” I murmured as he kissed my neck.
“Never too tired for you,” he replied, licking my earlobe before pulling down on it gently with his teeth. He pulled back. “You’re sure I’m not too gross and sweaty?”
“Since when have I ever implied that sweet and clean was the only way I liked it?” I asked, arching an eyebrow. “You? This? Right now? It’s perfect.”
“Mmm, gonna have to disagree with you there,” Mark said, his hand stroking down my torso and finding my cock. “Pretty sure there are a couple things that could make it even perfect-er.”
“Your cock in my ass, perhaps?” I asked.
“That’s one.”
“Me screaming your name as you make me come?”
“That’s another. Though maybe that last bit’s a little unfair to your housemates. Maybe you could just whisper it.”
I laughed. “I think most of them will just sleep through it. And the ones don’t? Honestly, after the way they’ve acted the past few months, I couldn’t care less. Hell, maybe they’ll enjoy it.”
“Yeah? You think it might awaken something in them?”
I giggled. “We can only hope.”
My cock was hard, straining against the fabric of my running shorts as Mark stroked it, and it bobbed free eagerly when he pulled my shorts off. He swirled a finger around the head, already leaking precum, and brought it to his mouth, sucking it clean before going back to tease me some more.
“Your turn,” I said, slipping my fingers underneath his waistband and rubbing his cock with the palm of my hand. “One week is way too long to go without seeing you. Without seeing this.” I squeezed his cock for emphasis, and Mark grunted in satisfaction.
“I couldn’t agree more,” he growled as he slipped out of his shorts.
It had been too long. Earlier this week, I’d thought I might never see Mark again. And as much as I’d tried to convince myself I’d be okay with that, that I’d feel better eventually, I was overcome with relief that I didn’t have to. And I wanted to show him how much he meant to me.
I reached down to stroke our cocks together, feeling the precum leaking out of his cock too. It was nice to know he was as turned on and ready to go as I was, because I desperately needed him inside me. I pumped my hand up and down, then started to reach over to the nightstand for my lube.
“Jess, Jess,” Mark said, reaching out to stop me.
“What?” I asked, confused. “I thought—I’m sorry, were my comments about filth and perversion not clear earlier? I want you to fuck me, Mark. I want you to fuck me raw, to breed me, and I want you to do it now.”
“I’m not saying I don’t want that,” he said, pressing a kiss to my chest. “Believe me. I do. Badly. I just think maybe we should talk first.”
“What’s there to talk about?” I asked. “You’re here, I’m here, we both realized we were being idiots, now we can bone and forget about it.”
“That’s the thing, though.” Mark took my hand in his, lacing our fingers together. With his other hand, he traced a finger down my cheek. “I don’t want to forget what happened, exactly.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I’m not saying I want to dwell on it or be permanently sad or anything,” he said. “But I just—I realized this week that what I’m struggling with—the PTSD—it’s probably not going to go away any time soon. And it’ll probably be up and down, for a while. There’ll be good days, and there’ll be days when it’s harder, and the thing is, I want you to know that even if it does get hard— when it does, I should say—that I still love you. So much. And I will do everything in my power not to hurt you. But I—I—”
He broke off, something unspoken in his eyes, and suddenly, I understood.
“And I’ll do the same for you,” I told him. He flushed and looked down, and I put my hand on his cheek, bringing his gaze back to me. “Listen to me, Mark. I love you. And I know it’s not always going to be easy or perfect or smooth sailing. But I am choosing this anyway. I choose you. I can’t ever know what it’s like to be inside your head, inside your heart, but from what you’ve said, it can be a scary place sometimes. So I need you to know that I will do everything in my power not to hurt you . To make you feel safe and loved. Because you are loved. I love you so, so much.”
“Even if I’m messed up? Even if I’m broken? If I don’t get better?”
“Even then.”
“I don’t want to be a burden.”
“You couldn’t be. Not even if you tried.”
“But—”
“You’re a gift, Mark. You have made my life better since the moment you came into it. You could disappear tomorrow, and I’d still be grateful to have gotten you for as long as I did.”
“Really?”
“Yes.” I held his eyes with mine. “I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’d prefer for you not to disappear. Like, that would really suck, please don’t do that. But you could never be a burden to me. You are a blessing.”
He closed his eyes for a moment, and a tear trickled down his cheek. His face broke into a smile.
“I don’t deserve you.”
“Well, good. Because I don’t deserve you either. You don’t have to be good enough to deserve people’s love. You don’t have to earn it. You just have to appreciate it, when it comes.”
Mark’s smile widened. “Okay. But could I maybe attempt to show you some of that appreciation?”
I smiled back. “Depends on what you had in mind. Was there going to be a PowerPoint involved? Like, a presentation of facts and findings, or were you thinking of more of a hands-on ex—”
He cut me off with a kiss.
Mark’s lips were sweet and warm, trailing down my jaw and onto my neck. He nipped the skin there gently before moving to my chest. I moaned when he took my nipple in his mouth, rolling it over with his tongue before biting it, just hard enough to make me gasp. I stroked his head, his neck, his shoulders as he made his way down my body.
I shivered with anticipation as he kissed my stomach and my thighs before finally taking my cock firmly in one hand, massaging my balls with the other. He swiped at my quivering tip with his tongue. Fuck, it had been too long.
I thought I might combust as he ran his tongue up and down my length, teasing me. I wanted to feel his mouth on me now. I squeezed his shoulders, digging my nails in just enough for him to feel it. Finally, I felt Mark’s lips on the head of my cock. I moaned again as he slid his mouth down around me.
He rolled his tongue along my shaft as he brought it into his mouth, sucking me in and out. His hand stroked up and down in time with his lips, and he teased my balls with the other one. It felt so good, and so much sweeter, since I’d thought for a while that this would never happen again.
“Fuck, Mark, I’m gonna come if you keep that up,” I groaned.
“I like the sound of that.”
“I don’t want to come yet. Not until you’re inside me.”
He laughed, and I could feel the vibrations around my cock. Fuck, that felt good. Slowly, he pulled me out of his mouth and pushed my legs apart to lick my balls. Reaching up to the top of the bed, he grabbed a pillow and dragged it down, sliding it under my lower back.
I felt exposed, my ass tilted up in the air, and I could feel his breath tickling me.
“The lube’s in the nightstand,” I whispered.
“I know.” Mark grinned. “But I don’t need that. Yet.”
He bent down and kissed my thighs again, this time working his way back until I felt his hot breath right over my hole. I tingled at the thought of what was coming.
I felt his tongue swipe across my entrance once, twice, before slowing down to circle it steadily, then lick back and forth, getting me wet. Finally, he placed his lips around my ring and pressed his tongue down into me, velvety soft.
After a moment, he grabbed the lube and used it to slick up a finger, sliding it inside of me as he went back to sucking my cock. I felt my hole stretch around it, and told myself to relax, to breathe, and not to get too excited yet. There was so much more still to come.
Mark knew my body so well, even after just a few months. He could find just the right spot inside of me to push against and send me into orbit. No other guy had ever paid as much attention to my body and my responses. No one had ever made me feel so wanted. So needed.
And right now I needed him.
“Fuck me,” I groaned, unable to take the stimulation any longer. “Fuck me, please.”
Mark laughed and slid the fingers he’d been using to stimulate my prostate back out. “I’ve missed how bossy you are.”
He slicked his cock up and brought the head to my hole. It slid a little, with all the lube, and I bit back a gasp as he pressed it back into place.
“You’re sure you’re—”
“I’m ready,” I begged. “Now, please.”
Mark smiled down at me sweetly. “I love you so much. I love you when you’re bossy, and I love you when you beg, and I love you when you—”
“Mark, baby. I love you too, but I swear to God, if you don’t fuck me right now, we actually are going to need to— fuck .”
I sucked in hard as he pushed the tip of his cock inside me, holding my breath until he was past the tight outer ring. I could feel myself stretching around him, getting used to the feel of his cock inside of me again.
“Are you okay?” Mark looked down at me, his eyes full of concern. “You did just run twenty-six miles. Do you need me to stop?”
I laughed lightly, adjusting to his girth. “So did you. And trust me, everything is very okay. I promise, I’ll tell you if I need you to stop.”
He bit his lip, nodded, pushed the rest of his shaft inside, burying himself to the hilt. I smiled at the look of wonder on his face.”
“You’re so tight,” he breathed. “Holy fuck, you’re so tight.”
“You say that every time.”
“That’s because it’s true every time.”
“Well, I guess I’m glad to know running a marathon didn’t permanently change the shape of my asshole.”
“I think we’d have heard something about that by now, if that were a consequence of marathon-running,” Mark said with a laugh.
“Really? You think that many marathon runners are engaging in post-race anal?”
“I mean, weren’t the original marathon runners ancient Greeks? Wasn’t anal kind of like, their thing?”
I laughed softly, then gasped as he began to move. Just tiny motions at first, pushing deeper and pulling out just a little. He kept pausing to check in with me, to ask if I was okay. Each time, my answer was yes. More.
His cock felt so good. He was so big, filling me up completely. There was nothing better, I decided right then, than getting fucked by the man who loved me. Giving my body to him, and him giving his to me. Especially after I thought I’d lost him.
I was never letting him go again.
I moaned, begging Mark to go faster, bucking underneath him and moving my hips up to meet his thrusts. I wanted him to fuck me hard, and I could see him smiling as he began to realize he wasn’t going to hurt me.
He sped up, pressure building as he thrust with more force, and I knew I was going to lose it soon. A steady moan started deep in my throat and wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t control it, couldn’t tamp it down. There was too much pleasure, too much stimulation.
And then Mark brought his hand to my cock and began to stroke me. That sent me spinning over the edge. I came, hard, spilling into his hand, almost incoherent from the stimulation pounding into me from every angle.
“Fuck yes, come for me,” he whispered, and I obliged, letting go and releasing everything I had left.
He kissed me deeply. His hips stuttered and shook, and his cock throbbed inside me. With two final thrusts, he groaned, collapsed, and then stilled, draping his body over mine. I wrapped an arm around his neck, the other around his waist, and held him to me.
“Worth the wait?” I asked as his lips moved onto my neck.
“Definitely,” he said. I could hear the smile in his voice. “But can we skip the fight-and-break-up part next time and just move straight to the sex?”
“As long as we can also skip the part where we run twenty-six miles first, too.”
“Deal.” He laughed, his teeth nibbling the skin just below my ear. “You’ve got yourself a deal.”