12. Gabe
12
GABE
I n the end, it turned out that I didn’t need to worry about how to bring any awkward topics of conversation up with Brooklyn, because life brought them all up for me at once.
Despite the fact that I’d paid for the air mattress—or, maybe, because of it—Brooklyn insisted that I should get his room that whole next week, and that he’d take the air mattress out in the living room. I wanted to fight him on it. I’d meant it when I’d told him that this whole marriage thing wouldn’t change his life much. But he wouldn’t be moved, so finally, I acquiesced and brought my bags into his room.
That Saturday afternoon, he slammed his laptop shut in frustration.
“Goddammit, Gabe, make me do work.”
I looked up from where I was fiddling with my own laptop on the couch. We’d gotten a last-minute request for numbers from the Paris branch of Lund and McCormick, and Niya had asked me if I would mind putting a little extra time in over the weekend. Since Brooklyn had been planning on dissertating all day, I’d agreed.
Besides, maybe if Lund and McCormick liked the work, they’d ask me to come present in person. I’d always wanted to go to Paris. It was at the top of my bucket list. Maybe if they asked me with enough lead time, I could even bring Brooklyn with me.
“Is that…not what you’ve been doing for the past three hours?”
“In the past three hours, I’ve googled seventy-five different trees that grow in the Amazon, planned a trip to Suriname, read up on Dutch colonial history, refreshed my memory of the tulip bubble of 1637, looked up how much it would cost to send my mom flowers for her birthday, and started reading The Omnivore’s Dilemma . Oh, and revised two and a half whole pages.”
“So that would be a no , then?”
He pushed his chair back from his desk. “Fuck, I think I need to go to the library.”
“More research?”
“No.” He laughed. “There’s just a corner of the fourth floor where the wifi signal doesn’t reach. Maybe if I find a desk there, I can force myself to make actual progress.”
“You’re that eager to work?” I leaned forward on the couch. “It’s a Saturday afternoon. Why not just relax? We could get takeout, or I could cook, and we could just watch Netflix or something. Give your brain a break.”
That sounded suspiciously like Netflix and chill , but I didn’t care. I meant it.
“Eager to work? No. But eager to be done with this round of revisions? Fuck yes. If I can finish the current round, I can use some of the chapters as a writing sample in my job application packets. And those have to go out in a few weeks, so the sooner, the better.”
“Alright then.” I shrugged. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you when your head explodes from working too hard.”
Brooklyn snorted. “You sound like my advisor.”
“Your advisor sounds like a smart guy.”
Brooklyn narrowed his eyes as he stood up. “You’re hardly one to talk, you know. You work all the time too.”
“Yeah, but I only do that because Niya would murder me if I left her with all this work.”
“Oh, please, you love Niya. I’ve heard you guys talk on Zoom. You’d work for free if she asked you to.”
“But she’s not asking me to. So I’m making overtime money this weekend that I can use to one day set myself free from this grind. Whereas you’re—”
“Signing myself up for decades more of it?” Brooklyn finished wryly. “Trust me, I know. Sometimes I wish I could punch my fourteen-year-old self in the face when he first decided to become a biologist and encourage him to be a professional dog-walker instead.”
Not long after Brooklyn left, I got a text from Aiden.
AIDEN: You talk to him yet?
AIDEN: Because if you did I have a present for you
My stomach clenched.
GABE: Why does that make me nervous?
AIDEN: Because your life is boring and you’ve lost your sense of adventure
GABE: Ouch, harsh man
GABE: What’s the present?
AIDEN: www.boatboners.com
AIDEN: username: aidensucks
AIDEN: password: pewhoreia6969
GABE: Dude why is your username aidensucks?
GABE: Oh god wait
GABE: Don’t answer that
AIDEN: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies about the time I gave Tim Fenty a bj behind the bleachers in high school
GABE: Omg gross
GABE: Did not need to know that
AIDEN: Anyway I figured you probably weren’t that well-versed in gay porn
AIDEN: Start there. It’s like, kind of ridiculous, so I think it’ll ease you into the whole idea
AIDEN: If you like it, obvi you can get your own account there or anywhere else
GABE: Jesus Aiden, am I gonna be scarred from what I see?
GABE: Do you have weird preferences I’m about to find out about?
AIDEN: Yes, I’m a boatophile. I’ve been hiding it from you for a very long time but god it feels good to get that off my chest. Thanks for being so understanding
GABE: Fuck you
AIDEN: Just look at the site loser
AIDEN: I’m trying to be a good brother
GABE: Ugh fine
GABE: But we will never speak of this again
AIDEN: Have fun!!!
GABE: Weirdo
Aiden sent me a long string of emojis I didn’t even know how to begin parsing, so I just put my phone down. I didn’t know that much about dissertations, either, but from the sound of it, they were long. So I figured Brooklyn would probably be gone for a while, and I’d have the apartment to myself. And yeah, maybe it was a little weird to be looking at porn recommended to me by my brother. But at the same time, I hadn’t actually been brave enough to do more than a cursory internet search before this, and I’d been overwhelmed by the sheer number of options.
So after making myself a quick dinner and setting some leftovers aside for Brooklyn with a note in the fridge that said Eat Me , I grabbed my laptop and headed into the bedroom. I took my headphones too. Just because Brooklyn himself wasn’t around didn’t mean that neighbors couldn’t potentially hear something through the walls. I didn’t need to share my first gay porn experience with Mrs. Fernandez next door.
For a second, I wondered if Aiden had been joking about a site called BoatBoners, but after I pulled up an incognito window and typed it in, I discovered how wrong I was. The front page was a bunch of naked dudes in captains’ hats, hiding their junk behind a big piece of driftwood. It was cheesy as hell—and yet, I couldn’t quite tear myself away.
I logged in and was relieved to see Aiden didn’t have anything favorited. I really didn’t want to know that much about his tastes. But what was I supposed to watch? I browsed through the ‘ Most Popular ’ selections, laughing at the titles. How was I supposed to take any of these seriously when they were so fucking corny?
Finally, I settled on one that seemed to be historically themed: Masturbator and Commander . There was no way that could be hot, but I couldn’t deny a morbid curiosity. I’d seen the original movie, and while I hadn’t thought so at the time, I could appreciate now how good-looking the actors were. Here was hoping the porn actors would be just as hot. I turned up the volume and lay back against the pillows, preparing to laugh.
Fifteen minutes later, I was deeply engrossed in the saga of a young deckhand named Ebenezer on his first voyage across the equator. The first mate caught him jerking off over the side of the ship and brought him into the captain’s quarters for punishment.
I didn’t know how it was possible for porn with bad accents and anachronistic costumes to be this hot, but by the time Ebenezer was begging the captain to tie him to the rigging and let the crew have their way with him, I’d moved the computer off my lap so I could reach down my pants and stroke myself.
Which was, of course, when Brooklyn walked in on me.
“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry.”
I jerked up at the sound of Brooklyn’s voice, just in time to see him stop short in the doorway, looking stricken. I jumped, pulling the headphones out of my ears and slamming my laptop shut with one hand, pulling my other out of my pants at the same time.
“Oh God,” he said. “I was just coming in to grab my phone charger, I didn’t mean to—”
“No, it’s okay,” I rushed to say. “It’s my fault, I should have closed the—”
“No, no, you shouldn’t have. It’s your place too, now, and I thought I was going to be gone longer, but then my battery was running low, and—fuck.”
Brooklyn’s face was bright red, though for once in my life, I was more concerned with my own embarrassment than how sexy his looked on him. I watched as his eyes darted down and then back up and realized my raging boner was tenting up through my boxer briefs where I’d unzipped my pants.
“I’ll just go,” he said, stepping back from the doorway. “We can forget this ever—”
“Brooklyn, wait.” I’d intended for my voice to come out commanding, so naturally, it fell somewhere around pleading. Whatever. At this point, I didn’t care. “Stop, please. I want to—um, to talk to you about something.”
Brooklyn turned slowly, misgiving written all over his face. “You really don’t have to. Shit, this is awkward. I never meant to make you feel uncomfortable living with me. And God, I know I should have said something, apologized after that night when you saw me—I mean, fuck, that was very uncool of me, and I swear I won’t—”
“Brooklyn, I want you.”
That stopped him short. “Oh.”
“And I know you want me.” I shifted on the bed, swinging my legs over the edge and sitting up so I could look him in the eye. I wanted that beautiful hazel gaze to focus on me instead of darting away like it always did. “I know you do. And I’m sick of dancing around the elephant in the room. I think we should hook up.”
“Well, that’s a direct way to put it.”
“And that’s an evasive way of responding. You said a while ago that you didn’t want to be an experiment or a story. I promise you, that’s not what you would be for me.”
“Yeah, but—”
“And I’m not going to change my mind, or freak out and go screaming from the rooftops about how gross it was. I mean, I’m pretty sure by now that I’m bisexual, but the point is, I’m not going to barf if you touch my dick.”
“Right, but—”
“And I know you’re not looking for anything serious, and I’m not either. But dude, we’re married. Like, legitimately, legally, bindingly married. We’re not going to be hooking up with anyone else for the next year. So why can’t we just have a little fun with each other while this lasts?”
This time, Brooklyn didn’t object. He stayed silent, holding my gaze, arms folded across his chest. Was I really going to have to keep pushing?
“If you really don’t want to do this, fine. But at least say something. And tell me why. Because at this point, I’m beginning to feel a bit like a leper. Like, did I get this totally wrong? Are you really not attracted to me?”
His eyes went wide. “God, no. Are you serious? Gabe, I’m, um, very attracted to you.”
“Good. Because you’re hot. And I’m attracted to you too.”
“Really?”
“Yes, dumbass. What, are you incapable of registering compliments?”
He rolled his eyes. It was almost a relief, a sign that sarcastic, permanently-annoyed Brooklyn was coming back to me.
“Look,” he said. “Maybe I didn’t tell you this earlier, but before you, it had been a little while since I’d hooked up with anyone. Can you blame me if it’s taking me a bit to get used to the idea?”
“Well, maybe I didn’t tell you this, but before you, it’d been a long while—as in, ever—since I’d hooked up with a guy. But I’ve gotten used to the idea. I’m even watching gay porn for the first time—and don’t pretend you didn’t see what was on my laptop screen, I know you did. So get with it, dude.”
Brooklyn laughed, and his posture finally relaxed as he leaned back against the doorframe and let his arms drop to his sides. “I didn’t get a great look. Was that a pirate ship? And some kind of gangbang?”
“Um, someone might have recommended boatboners.com to me. For research purposes.”
His laugh was louder this time, full and warm, wrapping around me like a blanket. I liked it when he laughed like that.
“Boatboners.com.” He was practically wheezing. “Oh my God, I haven’t thought about that site in ages.”
“Pardon me for still being in Gay 101,” I said huffily. “I didn’t realize there were levels.”
“Oh, there are most definitely levels.” He grinned.
“Then show me!”
Brooklyn looked at me in surprise, then burst out laughing.
“I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you,” he said when he caught sight of my face. I knew I looked something between offended and annoyed. “It’s just, you’re so enthusiastic.”
“Well if you don’t want to—”
He crossed the space between us before I could blink and put his mouth on mine before I could finish my sentence. His kiss was hot and hungry, and I let him guide me back onto the bed so I was lying underneath him. He pulled away, just a few inches, with a low chuckle, and I tried not to let on how breathless I was.
“I know I’m supposed to be really suave right now, and immediately start ripping your clothes off,” he said. “But since this isn’t porn, and I’ve just about used up my allotted suave points for the day, I’ll just ask: What did you have in mind, when you said to show you?”
“Um.” I swallowed, my heart pounding. “I’m kind of new to all of this, so I’m not sure I’m up to pirate costumes and peg legs or anything. But maybe something involving fewer clothes?”
“I think I can manage that.” Brooklyn grinned. “Okay, then. Let’s start at the beginning.”