Chapter Seventeen
If you be affronted, it is better…to pass it by in silence and with a jest, though with some dishonor, than to endeavor revenge…If you can keep reason above passion, that and watchfulness will be your best defendants.
—Isaac Newton
Every so often, I had the awful dream of being naked in front of the entire ton during my come-out.
All the guests would be dressed in their finery, and when it was my turn, instead of descending the staircase wearing the most beautiful gown, I wouldn’t have a single stitch of clothing covering me.
I’d be exposed to all and sundry, and everyone could clearly see each imperfection, each blemish, and each secret flaw I tried so valiantly to hide.
They would know that beneath all the silk and jewels, I was nothing but a fraud.
The way I’d always felt on the inside—like I never belonged in the first place.
Well, this was exponentially worse than that.
My eyes were locked on Tarik, all the words of explanation lodged in my throat like jagged rocks. I could feel Will’s baffled stare and the rapt interest of the twins, as well as Blake’s riveted curiosity. Of all the people here, he knew me best.
At least, until I’d met Tarik.
But my brain was clogged with so many falsehoods that it was difficult to sort through them all. The lives of my Ansel alter ego and Lady Rosalin were colliding in a manner that made it impossible to separate them…and yet, I had to. For everyone’s sake.
“Rosalin,” my mother’s voice called out, and my eyes fluttered shut as I knew my father wouldn’t be far behind to witness this absolute catastrophe. Sure enough, hushed murmurs through the ballroom preceded the duke’s approach.
“Castleton,” my father commanded, making me jump, as he bore down on Blake, whose gaze went wide. “What’s this I hear about Greece? My nephew has been at university. My solicitor has been receiving regular reports from the Master of the College.”
My jaw clenched. Someone must have overheard Blake’s careless words and scurried over to tell the duke.
“Uh…” Blake’s mouth opened and closed like a dying fish, his face going an awful color of puce at the secret he’d inadvertently revealed. “N-nothing, Your Grace…”
“Speak up, boy,” my father said in a low voice that did not bode well for anyone. It was when he got quiet that people had to worry. As Ansel’s best mate, Blake would know that better than anyone, considering how much trouble he and my cousin had been in over the years.
You could hear a pin drop as Blake licked dry lips. “H-he’s…No, it was a silly jest…”
My father’s eyebrows jumped to his hairline.
I am so cooked.
In my peripheral vision, I could see necks craning as people strained to see why the duke and duchess had marched outside to the terrace.
Could this get any worse? How many people were going to behold my impending downfall?
My palms were clammy, my nerves shot to hell as I ran through each scenario that could save me, discarding them as quickly as they rose.
Somehow, I had to come clean without ending up in disgrace.
Without Tarik being a casualty of my hubris.
I sucked in a breath. “Papa, this is all my f—”
But the whispered start of my confession was overshadowed by a sudden rumpus in the ballroom, music petering out and the sounds of chatter rising anew as someone unexpected burst in through the upper doors. “By God, is this a party, or is this a party?”
We all swiveled in shock at the very familiar voice.
And there stood my cousin at the top of the stairs in all his dandyish glory, and the unexpected answer to my very fervent prayers. Goodness, I had never felt so relieved in all my life.
Had he received my letter? I hadn’t wanted him here for the ball, considering the knife-edged balancing act of my two identities, but in truth, his timing could not have been better…
not that it would save me from what was to come with Tarik, but at least my father was one less calamity to worry about.
My cousin descended the staircase three steps at a time like an uncultured lout, and the crowd parted to let him through.
He embraced my mother, kissing her on the cheek. “Auntie Susu, don’t you look radiant.”
“Ansel, dearest, we do not conduct ourselves thus,” she chided him, smiling, and I could hear the sudden intake of breath from behind me like another nail in my proverbial coffin.
“Sorry, Auntie,” he said jovially. “Hullo, Uncle. Took me forever to get here. My sincerest apologies for being late.”
“Clearly, you’re not in Greece,” the duke said, eyes narrowed as he glared at poor Blake, who visibly quailed from the withering blast of irritation.
Ansel shrugged with a relaxed grin. “Of course not, Uncle. I wouldn’t dare miss Auntie Susu’s ball.” He embraced his own mother, who appeared beside my parents, delighted to see her son.
He looked good. His sleek black hair was longer and curling over his shoulders, his dark eyes sparkling with happiness and good health.
I didn’t dare look at Tarik or my Cambridge friends, whose gazes I could feel flocking back and forth as though trying to work out a difficult mathematical puzzle. It wasn’t all that difficult.
When faced with the true version of my cousin, the differences were small but noticeable to a discerning eye. People who knew us would know.
Because Roz looked like me…
Pale, dark haired, dark eyed, and deeply, unforgivably guilty.
My father cleared his throat, with another annoyed look to Blake, and signaled for the orchestra to resume.
My aunt and mother followed him, though Mama kept glancing back at Ansel as if she suspected something troublesome might occur but her usual decorum prevented her from causing a scene in front of guests.
For once, I found myself grateful for societal expectations.
The boot might drop tomorrow, but it wouldn’t today.
“Ansel, mate,” Blake said, slinging an arm over his shoulder with a wary glance to the duke to make sure he was otherwise occupied before dragging my cousin inside. “Next time send a messenger, will you? Your father nearly skewered me.”
At the last moment before closing the terrace doors behind them, Blake turned to spear me with a look that said I wouldn’t be getting off scot-free either, but it wasn’t him I was worried about.
Anna shot me a sympathetic glance, but I couldn’t even draw comfort from that.
I knew I would have to face my fate eventually, so I sucked in a breath and pivoted.
My Cambridge friends were still gaping at me, though I wasn’t sure if they were gawking at Lady Rosalin or the truth about my deception that was now coming to dreadful light.
Feeling like a coward, I felt my knees wobble before meeting Will’s stare next.
His blue gaze swam with bewilderment, but he wasn’t stupid.
It might take him more time than Tarik, but he’d figure it out eventually.
The Ansel who had appeared on the terrace might have resembled the false version that I’d been pretending to be, but we weren’t identical, and my cousin certainly was not the Roz my new friends had gotten to know.
“Will?” I whispered, resting my palm on his arm.
“Roz,” he said softly, face still wreathed in confusion. “I don’t understand. Who was that gentleman who claimed to be your cousin? And why are you wearing a gown?”
Not why did you lie to us and pretend to be a boy…
My lashes dipped as my eyes stung with helpless tears. I hadn’t meant for any of it to end up like this.
“Because she is a girl.” The sentence, delivered in a vicious monotone, came from the boy standing to my right.
Tarik. I lifted my guilt-ridden gaze to his.
“Isn’t that correct, Lady Rosalin? Or should I call you Roz?
” The last was hissed with so much venom that I flinched, the ire in his expression like razor-sharp blades.
His lip curled. “Were you so idle and bored in your fancy mansion with your middling daily amusements that you decided to take on a whole new identity for the fun of it? Toy with people’s lives because you could?
” He blew out a harsh breath. “You claimed you weren’t a thing like the Lord Ansel Chen I knew, and you’re right. You are much worse.”
“It’s not like that,” I whispered urgently, my heart squeezing. “Please give me a chance to explain.”
At that exact moment, like an ill-fated, portentous sign, lightning forked across the sky, and the overcast clouds rumbled ominously.
Everyone else but the two of us fled indoors, and we stood there like two immovable objects, frozen like stone statues, when the skies opened up and a deluge broke free.
I didn’t even care that I was being soaked or that I was in danger of being struck by lightning.
“My lady, you have to come inside,” Anna urged through the cracked door.
But I could not move.
The intense blue gaze I so loved felt like shards of ice skewering me in place. “It was you, all along. Lying.”
“No, it wasn’t all lies. Tarik, please—”
But his eyes flashed when I whispered his name, his face laced with betrayal as he spun on his heel and marched off into the arbor in the downpour.
With a hand in the air to Anna as well as Will and the twins, who were peering from behind the terrace doors, to stop them from following us, I rushed behind him, uncaring that I was without a chaperone or that my reputation was at stake.
I’d much rather that be flayed than my character, as insignificant as it might be to him.
It was important to me. I had to make sure he understood.
That he knew how sorry I was.