Chapter 7
Zoe
“I want to drop out of college.” My voice is flat as if all emotion leached from my body some time ago, and only the shell of who I once was remains. Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but I haven’t been able to shake this melancholy since my dad died. Sure, I’ve put on a good show, finishing high school and going away for college, but once I was away from my family and no longer had to pretend, I forgot how to be happy. Or maybe it’s just that I’m not capable of happiness anymore.
My mom jerks back as if I just slapped her in the face. “Absolutely not. You’ve already transferred schools after changing your major three times in two years, putting you behind. There’s no way I’m letting you quit and destroy your future.”
“You don’t understand,” I hiss. How could she? It’s not like she understands the weight of guilt I’ve felt every day since my dad hung himself in our garage. She’s not the one to blame.
“Then help me.” She’s pleading with me, but I can’t bring myself to feel anything at the moment.
My days are so consumed with tedium, and I want to run away from it all. I don’t know how to explain to my mom that I don’t belong in college. I haven’t belonged anywhere since my dad ended his life. I don’t even belong in my own family. Tears sting my eyes, but I refuse to cry. I’ve cried enough for a lifetime. I just want to belong somewhere. Anywhere.
“Zoe, let’s talk about this when you’re calm.” She gives me a tight smile, and I know she’s seething. Mom can’t handle anything that deviates from her plans.
“I am calm, Mother. You’re the one who’s worked up.” Okay, so that’s a lie. My mom almost never raises her voice at anyone. Especially since Stone entered the picture. I wonder what he’d say if he was here right now. He’d be on her side, no doubt, but maybe he would try to get her to actually listen to me. Who am I kidding? Stone probably still thinks of me as a reckless child, the same as Mom. Not that I haven’t given him plenty of reasons to think that because I have.
“Honey, you’re not dropping out of college, and that’s final.” She crosses her arms and raises her eyebrows as if daring me to argue.
I can’t keep having this conversation. School isn’t where I want to be, not that I know where I want to be.
That’s a lie.
I know exactly where I want to be. In fact, there’s only one place that’s felt safe since Dad died. Too bad it’s not a place I can be. Still, maybe if I convince him what we have is real, he’ll stop pushing me away. I just want to stop feeling this way. One thing is clear, things can’t keep going the way they are.
Groaning, I jerk open the door, needing to escape. I need air. I can’t breathe.
“Don’t you dare walk away from me,” my mother calls after me.
“I’m not a child anymore,” I yell, slamming the front door. I have to get out of here. My mom doesn’t understand. She has a place in the world. My brother does, too. I’m the only one drifting through life with no anchor.
I’m losing myself.
“Get back here,” she calls, running after me. “You will not throw away your future, young lady.”
“It’s none of your business,” I hiss.
“I’m your mother. Everything in your life is my business. I’m the one who pays for your tuition, your rent, and everything else in your life.” She’s not trying to lord anything over my head, and yet, when she says this, all I see is red.
“Dad’s life insurance pays for everything. You don’t give a shit about me or Jeremy anymore. You’re too busy with your new husband!”
I see the moment the words slice through her heart and instantly regret them. As much as I want to take them back, I don’t. I can’t. Since the moment my dad chose to leave us behind, I’ve been lost, saddled with so much shame I can’t see past it. Mom has tried her best with Jeremy and me, but she doesn’t understand. Life isn’t supposed to be this way.
The only time I feel like myself again is when I’m with him , but he always pushes me away. Like everyone else I’ve loved, he has no room in his life for me. What’s worse. He won’t just walk away. Every text and phone call gives me hope. And if I’ve learned anything in life, hope is dangerous.
I’m so tired of being alone.
I get in the car and peel out of the driveway. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend everything is alright. I drive straight to my apartment, hoping my mom doesn’t decide to come after me.
My roommate lounges on the sofa, nursing her hangover from last night’s date party. Instead of enjoying myself, I ditched my ‘date’ so I could drink myself into oblivion in a corner before sneaking out early.
She sits up. “Zoe? Are you okay?”
“I need to get out of here for a while.” I try to keep my voice light to not worry her.
“What about your classes on Monday?”
I don’t look at her. “I’m taking a little break from school.”
She stands, following me into my bedroom where I begin shoving things into my weekender bag, not paying attention to what I’m packing. Without knowing where I’m going, I guess it doesn’t really matter what I take.
“Um, should we talk about this?” she asks.
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You haven’t been the same for months. What’s going on?”
I turn to face Annie, not sure if I should tell her I’ve fallen in love with a man old enough to be my father and all I want is to convince him we’re right for each other, or how I don’t want to be in college. I want a family of my own. I’m a grown woman trapped in the life of a college girl. Nothing about my life fits.
“Talk to me,” she begs.
“I met someone.”
Her eyes widen in surprise. “Who?”
“He’s older. I met him at Sin & Ink and then ran into him that night we went to Last Call.” I don’t tell her how we’ve texted non-stop since that night. Or how he walked out on me seconds before I almost lost my virginity to him.
Annie squeals. “Shut up! I thought you said you were taking a taxi home instead of going to the next bar with us.”
I shrug, smirking. “I lied. Riggs was there with some friends, and I left with him.”
“Bow, chicka, wow, wow,” she taunts.
“I wish. We ended up just talking. He freaked when he found out my age and brought me home.”
“And?” She raises her eyebrows.
“What do you mean ‘and’? That’s it.”
“Nope. I don’t buy that for a second. You’ve seen him since then.”
“Fine. I called him for a ride when that Jarod guy got too handsy.” I feel my cheeks heat, and know she’s going to see through me. He did more than just give me a ride, even though he’d already told me I was too young. I mean, he would’ve ‘given me a ride’ if he wasn’t trying to do the right thing.
Annie gives me a pointed look. “You don’t just up and throw away your future for a guy you barely met for two seconds. What’s really going on?”
I plop onto the sofa next to her, swiping at the tears stinging my eyes. “For the last two months, Riggs and I have been texting and talking on the phone every single day. I know it sounds crazy, but he’s the only person who really understands how I feel. We get each other.”
“I’m not going to take offense that you don’t feel like you can talk to me.” I can tell by her tone that’s not true and I really have hurt her feelings.
“Annie, that’s not what I mean.”
She holds up her hand. “I know. That’s why I said I’m not offended. Still, don’t you think you’re being rash? I know your dad’s death fucked you up, but that’s no reason to throw your life away.”
Her words sting. Especially when she tosses them out so cavalierly. I try not to show just how much what she said upsets me as I stand, grabbing my bag. “I’ll text you when I get where I’m going.”
“And where is that?” she asks, sounding more like my mom than my friend.
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
Okay, that’s a lie. I know where I’m going. I’m just not ready for anyone else to know.