Chapter 19
My brain, rapid-fire, took in the details of my room as if desperate to find myself a way out.
Landon sat on the floor beside my bed with his legs stretched before him, still in his jeans.
He had his sneakers on, tightly laced. Even though he was slouched, he seemed wide awake, as if, like me, he hadn’t gone to bed early like Mom said.
His words well, well rang like alarm bells in my ears. There truly was no escape.
“I’ll admit,” Landon began in a soft voice, holding my gaze. “I feel very much like a parent in an after-school special right now, but be glad it’s me that found out you were gone and not Mom.”
“What—what are you doing in here?” I whispered, gripping the edge of my skirt so tightly that my knuckles had to be white.
“What am I doing?” Landon pushed himself up from the floor and rose to his full height, which towered over me. He seemed too large in the space, but his whispering took the edge off. “What are you doing? And what are you wearing? God, you reek, Gemma. Is that smoke?”
Confrontation made my mouth dry, especially when there was nothing to say. Not when the answers to his questions would bury me six feet under. My heart slammed in my chest as if desperate to escape the situation.
Landon suddenly let out a sharp breath, pressing a hand over his eyes as he leaned back.
“Hang on, hang on. I sound like Mom and Dad. I don’t want to.
” His hand slipped from his eyes to rest on the side of his neck, squeezing a little.
“I won’t tell them, Gemma. But…you should tell me where you were. ”
“I was out with friends.”
“Friends?” It was as if the concept was foreign to him. “Who? Morgan?”
If I said yes, Landon would surely ask her tomorrow at school, and the Landon-lover that she was, no way would she lie to him. “No.”
“Jaden?”
“No! Of course not.”
He looked down at his tied shoes, turning his foot onto the side. The longer he stared at them, the stranger their appearance was to me.
Not a lie, but only a half-truth. I thought of Tee. “They go to Jefferson.”
It was clear he was unsatisfied with the answer, the way he stared at me to continue, but my pulse was so loud that I could barely think. I didn’t trust myself to say anything else, to dig myself deeper into the grave I’d already dug.
What if I had told Landon the truth? I snuck out with Hudson Bishop to go to a bonfire.
He surely would’ve gone back on his promise.
He would’ve stormed from the room to wake Mom and Dad, and then that would be the end of that.
Goodbye rebellion list, goodbye public school, and goodbye Hudson Bishop.
“I thought we agreed not to listen to the Most Likely Tos,” Landon said eventually. “That you wouldn’t get all rebellious because of it.”
“What about you?” I fired back at him, voice rising in pitch. “Did you go out and get a girlfriend because of the list? Is that why you’re dating Lacey?”
Landon closed his eyes, wallowing in his annoyance. “Did you look at Babble?”
“Landon, even Mom asked me if you’d gotten a girlfriend. If you’re trying to keep it a secret, you’re doing a pretty sucky job of it.”
“I’m not,” he said, but he wouldn’t look at me. “It’s not a secret.”
“Then why didn’t you tell me?”
It wasn’t like Landon and I were particularly close, but I had thought we were on the same page about this stuff. A sort of comradery. Sure, we never really talked about our love lives, but I would’ve thought he’d tell me if he actually got a girlfriend.
Then again, it wasn’t like he was the only one who held a dirty little secret.
“I’m happy for you, you know,” I said when his cloudy expression didn’t clear. “I mean, if it’s for the right reasons, that is. You deserve to be happy, and if someone makes you happy, that’s great. But you should introduce her to Mom and Dad.”
A bitter smile twisted at his lips, and he ducked his head as if to hide it. “Maybe one day. You know how they can be.”
“She’s not like Madison?”
“Not even close.” He laughed, but it was a tired sound. “I’m not dating her because of the list, Gemma.”
“And the Most Likely Tos aren’t why I snuck out.” It was my own rebellion list. I lifted my chin, forcing myself to hold his gaze with as much confidence as possible. “My friends were having a bonfire, and I wanted to go.”
Landon’s face scrunched. “You had to sneak out, though, Gemma. On a school night. That’s not you at all.”
I wanted to tell him that it was obviously me, that I did those things.
Gemma Settler was the one who opened the bathroom window, who ran down the street.
The weird thing was that it felt like me doing those things.
Sure, it was definitely out of the character our parents cultivated, but it wasn’t as if I felt like a whole other person.
If anything, I felt more me than I ever had.
Landon must’ve sensed that the conversation was going nowhere, because he sighed again. “Leave your clothes outside your door and I’ll put them in my laundry. Mom won’t suspect if it’s my clothes that smell.”
I squeezed the edges of my skirt tighter, still too frozen to move as he walked past me.
As he did, I could’ve sworn he smelled strangely himself.
Not like bonfire smoke, but something still easy to place—perfume.
I wanted to ask him why he smelled like that—why he was still in his day clothes, as if he snuck out, too—but I didn’t think he’d tell me.
“Be careful,” Landon said once he made it to my door, lingering with his hand on the knob. He gestured at me, at the loose hair that hung around me. “Nothing good will come of this if Mom finds out, Gemma. And I’m sure you know it.”
What am I supposed to do, then? I wanted to demand. Sit back and obey? Be the doll that they want me to be?
I didn’t say that though, because as quickly as the thought came, it vanished as soon as Landon opened my bedroom door. The hallway light spilled inside for a split second before Landon slipped through the crack, leaving me and my thoughts alone.
For a moment, I stood in the middle of my bedroom, basking in the blueish glow from the moonlight, processing. I combed my fingers into my hair, wincing at the knots that had formed from tearing in the wind of the ATV ride.
If I had to be caught, I was glad it was by Landon, but the seed of doubt had started to sprout, spreading vines throughout my body. But the question was whether or not I’d heed his warning. Nothing good will come of this if Mom finds out, Gemma. And I’m sure you know it.
Hudson had been right. School was rough running on five and a half hours of sleep, and when I was finally done with the school day, certain that everything that I learned all day, I’d absorbed none of it.
I followed Morgan to her locker first, shuffling into the crowd of people. “Are you feeling any better?” she asked as she grabbed her lock, giving it a twist.
I groaned by way of an answer, rubbing my eyes, wishing the fuzziness would go away.
“How’s everything been with the Settlers, anyway? The leash still tight?”
I quirked my lips to the side, thinking about what I’d gotten away with last night. In that regard, the leash so wasn’t tight, but then again, did it really count since they didn’t know about it? “Mom’s not picking out my school outfits anymore.”
“I wondered.” Morgan appraised my appearance. I still wore a long skirt today since my closet was limited, but I’d taken Rosie’s advice and gone for a shirt that was a little tighter, and even tied it into a knot at my waist. “You’re starting to dress with a smidge more style. I’m proud of you.”
Her backhanded compliment made me roll my eyes. “Thanks.”
“How about the whole mentor thing? Are they seriously still cool with that?”
“You know…” I drew my lower lip into my mouth as the words danced in my head, unsure whether or not I should say them. “Hudson. He’s not as bad as people say he is.”
I wanted her to believe me. I wanted her to be on my side, not the side of gossip.
I wanted her to trust my judgement, to listen as I unpacked all the craziness that’d happened over the past few weeks.
I wanted her to be one of the ones who knew the truth about Hudson.
I wasn’t sure why I wanted her to believe me, but I was almost desperate with it.
Morgan’s eyes narrowed on me. “What do you mean?”
“He’s nice.” The words came out lame, almost like I was embarrassed to be giving him compliments, but I forced myself to go on. “He’s not like all the rumors that go around.”
“I kind of figured, since you haven’t gone running for the hills yet.” But her expression was uneasy, and even though her eyebrows were hidden by her bangs, I knew they were drawn together. “But…don’t tell me he’s brainwashed you or compelled you or whatever vampires do.”
“Morgan, he’s not a vampire—”
“I think it’s important to remember the obvious about him.” She fully turned away from her locker. “He may have nice moments, Gemma, but don’t forget why he’s called the Grim Reaper in the first place.”
I glanced around the hallway, grateful that even though there were a few students still collecting their things, Jaden wasn’t around. “We don’t know what happened in the fight with my brother.”
“We know that he split Landon’s lip and nearly broke Ashton’s arm.”
I hadn’t heard that about Ashton, but I still shook my head. “That was three years ago, Morgan—”
Before I had a chance to say anything, Morgan went on. “I’m just saying, you can’t forget that, okay? I get it, though. You’ve never made decisions on your own, so you don’t see how na?ve you’re being.”
The condescension dripping from her words was unsettling for a second, and I stared at her almost like I was looking at a stranger.
“You’re mad when I listen to my parents, you’re mad when I make decisions for myself.
” My hands shook as I drew in a breath, fingers curling into fists.
“What, should I let you make my decisions for me?”