Chapter 19
19
“ H ey, everything is going to be okay, baby,” he murmured to her, running a finger down her cheek.
“Is it?” she asked, not really meaning to.
The words just slipped out, the need for reassurance something she couldn’t ignore.
“It will be. I promise.”
She smiled sadly. “You can’t promise that.”
“Sure I can. I just did. And I always keep my promises.”
Sofia couldn’t stop the eye roll. So arrogant.
Colm tapped her nose. “Stop that, brat. Now, the first step for me to ensure everything will be all right is getting you to eat.”
“I eat,” she protested before he put another forkful of omelet to her lips.
Now she had to take it, didn’t she?
He gave her a look of approval as she ate the piece of omelet. “Good girl.”
Yikes.
Why did those words make her insides sizzle? And, at the same time, they made her feel more at ease.
Soothed.
It was bizarre. But Sofia wanted to hear him praise her again, so she ate several more mouthfuls until she couldn’t eat anymore.
He sighed as he looked at the plate. “Well, I guess it will have to do.”
Sofia hunched her shoulders. Great. Rather than make him proud of her, she’d annoyed him.
Disappointed him.
“Whoa. Hey, look at me, Mo leannan ,” he said in his soft drawl. “What’s the matter? Why do you look like I ran over your cat?”
She gasped. “I’d look much worse if you ran over my cat.”
“Sofia, what’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Uh-uh, that’s not the way things are going to go between us anymore. You are going to talk to me.”
“I need the bathroom.”
“You’re not going anywhere until you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours,” he stated.
She glared up at him. But his face didn’t change. He didn’t even flinch.
Damn him.
“I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to disappoint you!” she blurted out quickly.
A look of confusion filled his face before he looked at the plate. “Ahh, baby, we’ve got some work to do on our communication, yeah? And the way you jump to conclusions. You need to tell me if you’re upset, not try to hide it.”
He was talking like they were in a relationship.
“Colm, I can’t?—”
“We’re not discussing the future right now. I don’t need to hear all the reasons why you think this won’t work.”
Lord.
He was hard work sometimes.
“But you in no way disappointed me. You could never disappoint me.”
“I would never say never,” she told him. “I’m sure if you give me enough time, I can disappoint you.”
“Sofia, not true. As long as you don’t betray me or give up on me or yourself, we’re good, baby.”
She sucked in a breath. “I’ll try not to.”
“As long as you’re fighting, baby. I’ll fight with you. Alongside you.”
“Alongside me, huh?” She raised an eyebrow in surprise.
He grinned. “Maybe in front of you. Are you sure you don’t want anything more?”
“More coffee.”
“You can have more coffee when you’re up and dressed. How is your back? Do you need some more painkillers? Does it feel worse after sleeping while sitting up all night?”
“It’s fine,” she said. Then, his words fully penetrated the haze of her brain this morning. “Wait. All night? How do you know I sat up all night?”
“Because I sat up with you.” He gestured to the chair he was sitting on.
“You sat there all night?” she asked, gaping at him. “Why?”
“I wasn’t going to leave you, lass. You were in pain. You couldn’t really move. And you kept having bad dreams. You’d start frowning, then when I touched you, you’d relax.”
What? Had she said anything in her sleep?
“Did I say anything in my sleep?”
He gave her a curious look. “No, lass, you didn’t say anything.” He sat forward, his elbows resting on his legs. “I thought the nightmares were due to what you just went through, but they could have been dreams from your childhood, I guess.”
She nodded. “About Gerard Callahan’s death. What if I was there? What if I did see it?”
“You can’t remember what you dreamed about?”
“No. Sometimes I don’t remember. I just wake up feeling groggy and tired with this lingering sense of... fear.”
“We’ll figure this out, all right? But you really do need to keep this quiet. Step Callahan is desperate to find out who offed his old man.”
“Why? I mean, I guess anyone would want to know who killed their dad, but it’s been so long...”
“My guess is that he wants to use it as an excuse to strike against us. He thinks Rogan’s father did it. Thing is, Step has ties with a cartel, and I think he believes that will keep him safe. Maybe that they’ll even come in to bat for him. I don’t know.”
“So if he found out that I was there...”
“He’s been warned against striking against women and children. However, I’m not going to take a risk with you. Understand? You’ve never told anyone else about the dreams?”
“No. No one.”
“Good. That’s good, Mo leannan .”
Damn it.
When he called her that, it made her insides melt.
Kind of crazy when she didn’t even know what the words meant.
“Lately, my dreams have become clearer, but I’m still not fully sure what it all means.”
“We’ll figure it out, baby. The main thing is keeping you safe. Now, we need to go and see your cousin. Think you can walk all right?”
“I’ll be fine.”
He nodded and moved the armchair away as she climbed from the bed. She felt a bit lightheaded but squashed that feeling.
Shuffling toward the bathroom, she was surprised as he moved with her.
“Uh, what are you doing?” she asked as he entered the bathroom.
“I’m going to stay in here while you shower.”
“Why?” she squeaked.
“Because I’m not going to risk your back seizing up again and you ending up on the floor, unable to fucking move,” he told her firmly.
“Um, well, I don’t think that will happen. My back is much better this morning. But if you’re that worried, you can wait in the bedroom.”
He leaned against the sink and crossed his arms over his chest. “Stop arguing with me over something that’s necessary for your health and safety and get in the shower.”
“It’s my health and safety,” she pointed out.
“Yes, it is.”
She threw her hands up into the air, more irritated over how rational he sounded than by what he was actually saying. “So I shouldn’t get a say?”
“When you make the right choices.”
She narrowed her gaze as she glared at him. “And I suppose you staying in here is the right choice?”
“Look at you making the right choice. You need to turn the shower on, lass. Let the water warm up a bit before you get in.” He frowned. “Or is it too slippery for you to get in and out of? Perhaps I should lift you in and out.”
She sighed. “I can get in and out of the shower on my own, thank you very much.”
The man was impossible, but Sofia knew he was so stubborn that she’d be here arguing all day if she didn’t give in; besides, she really wanted to shower.
And to pee.
“I need to use the toilet.”
His other eyebrow rose. “Not unexpected after all that coffee.” He nodded to it. “There you are.”
“Colm!” she said with exasperation. “You cannot stay in here while I pee!”
“Pretty sure I can.”
“I don’t want you to.”
“You might need help getting on and off the toilet.”
She threw her hands into the air. It seemed to be becoming a common gesture around him. The only outlet for her Colm-induced exasperation.
“I don’t.”
“You sure?” he asked.
“Trust me. I can manage the toilet. And the shower. I’m a big girl. I’ve been toileting and showering myself for a long time. Last night wasn’t a normal occurrence.”
He didn’t look happy, but he did move toward the door.
“The door stays open, though.”
“No peeking! Or listening!”
Yikes.
As if he’d want to watch or listen to her pee. What was wrong with her? Still, she was desperate enough to go that she didn’t bother trying to close the door. She quickly used the toilet and washed her hands. As he walked back into the room, she was turning on the shower.
“Can you, uh, look the other way?” she asked as she went to take off his T-shirt.
“Why would I want to do a foolish thing like that?” he murmured.
“Colm!”
With an exaggerated sigh that she thought was truly unnecessary, he turned to face the mirror. She quickly whipped off his T-shirt and then bent to take off her panties. When she straightened, he suddenly appeared in front of her.
“How the fuck did you get that?”
She was too busy trying to cover herself up to take note of where he was looking.
Then it hit her.
The bruising. She’d done her best to hide it from him last night.
“Sofia. I’m gonna need an answer. Right the fuck now. How did you get that bruising?”
“Oleg,” she managed to say.
“That fucking bastard. He hit you in the ribs? He could have broken them. How badly does it hurt?”
She shook her head. She couldn’t speak past the lump in her throat. Because she knew she should tell him that the bruises were old. That they didn’t really hurt that much anymore.
Well, sometimes they did.
That she was fine.
“How the hell didn’t I see these last night? Were you hiding them?” He crouched to study the bruises. Dear Lord. His face was awfully close to her pussy.
And despite the topic of the conversation, she was turned on.
Seriously. What was wrong with her?
It had to be something profound for her to be turned on while they were discussing the abuse she’d been dished out.
Then Colm placed his hand gently on her side, making her jump.
Something strange filled his face.
Some sort of understanding.
And he glanced up into her face. The look on his face was chilling.
“Colm?”
A shiver ran through her and not because she was completely naked. Because she knew that he knew.
And that terrified her.
“These bruises are old, aren’t they, Mo leannan ? He’s been hurting you, hasn’t he? Why the fuck did you stay with him?”
“I... I... Colm,” she whispered in a heartbroken voice. She’d hoped he wouldn’t find out.
But she should have realized that couldn’t happen.
“Why, baby?”
“He had a video. Of Aleksandr shooting someone. Or I thought he did. Turns out it was fake, but I didn’t know that.”
“He blackmailed you?”
Suddenly, he stood and she squeaked without meaning to, taking a stumbling step back.
“Fuck. Shit. God. Baby, wait...” He reached a hand out to her before letting it drop. There was a look of horror on his face.
Why did he look so horrified? By her? Did he not want to touch her anymore?
She shuddered.
Dirty.
She was dirty. And worthless. Stupid.
And now he could see it. The one thing she hadn’t wanted was for him to see how worthless she was.
“I want you to get out.”
A pained look filled his face. “Baby.”
She shook her head. They both knew that she wasn’t his baby.
Because she was nothing.
“I want to get showered. Alone.”
“All right,” he said.
More proof that he now saw her for who she was. Before, he would have fought with her.
Actually, no, he would have just told her what was happening. Which wouldn’t involve him leaving.
But he’s going now because he knows.
When he was out in the bedroom, she shut the bathroom door, locking it. He knocked on the door, yelling her name.
She ignored him.
Right now, she needed to concentrate on shoring her defenses back up again.
Find the numb.
You’re an Anisimov.
You cannot fall apart.
Climbing into the shower, she turned the heat up as high as she dared, needing the scalding water to wash away this feeling of shame that was crawling all over her.
Grabbing the loofah that had already been in the shower, she scrubbed at her skin.
Clean.
She needed to get clean.
Oh, God.
She was never going to be clean!
Scrub. Scrub.
Her vision blurred. Her skin grew sensitive and irritated.
Wash away the filth.
A sob broke free and soon she dropped the loofah, curling in on herself as she cried.
She was an Anisimov.
She couldn’t fall apart.