28. SOFIA
28
SOFIA
W hen we sat in the dining room, Ben was irritated that Richard was late, but I couldn’t focus on any of that. I felt like absolute shit.
Since I’d woken up this morning, I’d felt drained, sluggish, and I’d had a dull headache.
I’d spent the night with Ben, waking up next to him, but I’d left to go back to my room as soon as we’d woken up, telling him I needed my suitcase to dress. That wasn’t a lie, but I’d wanted to get away from him. I didn’t want him to see how sick I felt.
My throat tightened; I salivated. I was so close to throwing up. My stomach cramped.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” Ben asked.
“I’m fine,” I said again. He kept asking me that, but how the hell was I supposed to tell him that I felt like I was dying right now? I was just being melodramatic, anyway. Besides, the last thing I wanted to be was a damsel in distress.
Maybe it was my period. It had been due for a while now. I’d been glad it hadn’t shown up yet, with me and Ben sleeping together, but now it would be a relief to have it.
Ben’s phone rang.
“This is him now,” he grumbled before he plastered on a smile and answered the phone.
“Richard,” he said, and I tuned out of the conversation, focusing on keeping it together. Smells wafted from the kitchen, and my stomach turned. We each had a cup of coffee in front of us. Ben had explained what kind of roast it was, but I hadn’t caught all of it. My head felt weird.
Ben ended the call and shook his head. “He’s got some emergency to take care of. Cramps in his left arm, he thinks he’s having a heart attack. If he dies now, and this project…” He shook his head. “I shouldn’t talk like that, but it looks like we’re going to be here longer.”
My stomach turned again, cramping.
I stood. “I’m going to excuse myself.” I had to get away before I hurled all over him. I didn’t know what was going on—a period was never this bad. Cramps, sure, but nausea?
Maybe you’re pregnant .
There was no way. I couldn’t be. I was always careful with protection, and Ben had made sure we used condoms every time, too. This was just a bad period, cramps that were worse than usual, and nausea wasn’t so uncommon. It didn’t happen to me, but never say never, right?
I hurried to the door before Ben could stop me.
“Sofia!” Amy called, waving from the lobby door. “I was just looking for you.”
My stomach rolled, and I gagged. I ran to the restrooms on the ground floor, leaving Amy behind. I crashed into a stall and retched violently, throwing up my breakfast.
I kept throwing up, my stomach retching, and I gagged and heaved until there was nothing left.
I stood, breathing hard, and pushed my hair out of my face.
Amy was standing at the basin when I turned to wash my hands and rinse my mouth. She looked concerned.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, fine,” I said. “I’m just…” On my period , I will myself to say, but the words wouldn’t come. I knew full well what was going on. My period was a lot later than it should have been, and I never threw up when I was on my period.
“I’m just…”
Amy’s eyes were on mine, her face serious.
“Pregnant,” I said and squeezed my eyes shut when tears welled in them.
“Oh, my God,” Amy breathed, and her hand landed on my arm. I felt her come closer and wrap her arms around me.
“Is Ben…?”
I nodded because I knew what she was asking.
He was the father.
I broke out of the hug and turned to the basin, rinsing my mouth again, and trying to salvage my makeup when my tears wouldn’t stop streaking my mascara. I didn’t want to cry, but I couldn’t help myself.
“It’s not the end of the world,” Amy said.
“It is,” I answered through my tears. “You have no idea.” I pressed my fingers against my lips when my stomach rolled again. “I feel so sick. I’m scared I’ll throw up everywhere if I leave here.”
“I know what will help,” Amy said. “Come with me.”
I was worried about leaving the restroom, but Amy took my hand gently and led me out like a child. She led me across to the living room area across from the dining room. As soon as we were inside, she ordered ginger tea from a server and led me to the couches that faced full-length windows overlooking the ocean.
“Talk to me,” Amy said, sitting close to me, her face open.
“I can’t do this,” I said and covered my face. “I can’t be pregnant. Not now.”
I started crying again, and I hated myself for it. Okay, so maybe I wasn’t melodramatic per se, but still. I hated being like this, coming apart at the seams, looking like I couldn’t keep it all together.
“Are you sure?” Amy asked.
I shook my head and dropped my hands. “I didn’t take a test, if that’s what you mean. But I’m really late, and I’m throwing up.” I explained to her how I’d felt since I’d woken up.
“Maybe you should take a test to be sure,” Amy said. “But it does sound like that’s what it might be.”
That only made me cry again.
“This can’t happen now.”
“Hey,” Amy said, putting her hand on my shoulder, and I peeked through my fingers. “It’s going to be okay. I mean, I know it doesn’t feel that way and it’s low of me to just say it like that. But Ben is a good guy, and if you talk to him about it, he’ll step up. I know he will.”
“I can’t do this,” I said again.
“He won’t just give you money and stay out of the baby’s life, either,” Amy added. “If that’s what you’re thinking. He’ll step up and do the right thing, and he’ll never not want the baby. He might not know that right now, but I’ve known him long enough, and I know it.”
“That might be so,” I said before I dropped my hands and looked at Amy, “but I don’t want the baby.”
Amy’s jaw dropped, and she stared at me. “What?”
“It’s not about it being the wrong time or something like that, either. You don’t understand. I don’t want a relationship, to play happy families, the white picket fence and two point four kids with a dog… This whole thing with Ben is just pretend, it’s not real, and when this is over, I’m leaving to go to Costa Rica so I can do what I love instead of being in this scenario where everything is like some fairy tale someone made up, something that’s not real.”
“I don’t understand,” Amy said. “You’re right about that. You and Ben are so good together. After everything that’s happened, how can you still want to leave?”
I took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder. Amy was here and willing to listen. And maybe she really was as good a friend as she seemed. I didn’t have the feeling she was just here on Ben’s behalf. She really looked like she cared, and I really needed someone to talk to about this right now.
“This job in Costa Rica is everything I’ve ever wanted. It’s what I’m good at, but it also does what I really care about. Helping people and animals… it’s not just about making money. I can’t give my career up for a guy again.”
Amy frowned. “Did you do it before?”
“Almost.” I told Amy about Brad, about what had happened between us and how he’d been engaged to two people at the same time, only to choose someone else.
“Jesus,” Amy breathed. “What a fucking asshole.”
I nodded. “I was willing to give it all up for him, and I decided there and then I would never do it again. I would never choose to give up what I care about for someone who claims to love me.”
“Ben isn’t just pretending with you, Sofia,” Amy said gravely. “It might have started that way, but he’s head over heels in love with you. He’s not the kind of guy who will do that to you, trust me. And if he ever does hurt you, know that I’ll be the first one in line to hunt him down and make him pay. But I know he won’t do it, because Ben is the best kind of guy there is out there.”
I shook my head and tears rolled over my cheeks again. “I don’t know how this happened. We used protection every time, and everything was working out so well in my life. Then Ben and all these feelings… and now this.”
Amy frowned and leaned in a little closer, as if she could stare deeper into my soul if she did.
“What do you mean by ‘all these feelings’? Are you in love with him? Or is it one-sided?”
“How could it be?” I asked with a sigh. “Ben is the kind of guy that when you realize who he really is, you can fall madly, deeply, crazy in love with him. And I’m worried that that’s exactly what happened. But this…” I squeezed my eyes shut, not knowing how to say what I felt anymore.
It was just all too much.
“Why don’t you just talk to him? Get a test, be sure of what’s happening, and then you tell him about the baby. And tell him about the job, too. You’ll be surprised how sweet he can be if you’re just open with him. Ben is so sure that he’s not worth anything, that he’s living in the shadows and no one sees who he really is, that it doesn’t take much at all to just reach out and remind him that he’s everything. It will change the way he reacts to you, and when you talk it through, it might change the course of your future, and his.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe you can have it all. Your career. Your family. Your man. You don’t have to sacrifice everything you are for the person you love. If it’s the right person, they will add to your life, not take away from it.”
I studied her face, mulling over what she said. Could it really be that simple?
I couldn’t imagine talking to Ben about the baby, but so far, every time we’d talked about something—the deep, the dark, the ugly—we’d grown closer and things had changed.
Maybe it really would be that simple. Maybe talking to him was the answer, and if I could tell him what my dreams were, maybe instead of losing him, or my dreams, we could realize them together.
“I don’t know if it will work,” I admitted. “What if it doesn’t?”
Amy considered it. “Then, it doesn’t,” she said. “But if you don’t try, you’ll never know, and that’s a hell of a lot worse than the alternative.”
“What if,” I said dully, staring at my hands. “Always asking what if, right?”
“Right,” Amy said. “The most cliché conversation of all time, but the one thing I believe is that communication is the key to any good relationship, and it has to start somewhere. I know it’s scary as hell to actually do—if I was so good at it, I wouldn’t be in the pickle Luke and I are in with our parents. But still, communication is the one thing that can make this thing work.”
She was right. I knew that, of course. I was always serious about communicating. Hell, that was how I’d gotten where I had with my career. It was one of the big cornerstones of project management.
But a job was so much easier to do than my personal life. A project was so much easier to handle than matters of the heart.
Because if I lost a project, that sucked, but more would come along.
If I lost my heart…
“I’ll try,” I finally said. “I’ll talk to him later if we get a chance. We have to be here a while longer for the project, anyway.”
Amy nodded and leaned forward, hugging me.
“What did you come here to do? When you called me in the lobby.”
“Just to say we’re headed back to Newport. I wanted to invite you to a girls’ night once you’re back there, too.”
“Oh,” I said. “That’s really nice of you. I… don’t know if I’ll be able to come.”
“Of course,” Amy said, squeezing my hand. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t see you again. We’ll keep in touch.”
I nodded. “That sounds good.”
Amy stood.
“Thank you,” I said. “For everything.”
“Of course. Ben has good taste, you know. When he decides to give it all to a person—whether it’s friendship or romantically—you better know you’re worth it.”
She walked away and left me with those words.
You better know you’re worth it.
That was the one thing I hadn’t really felt in a long time. Not since Brad had screwed me over.
But after everything I’d done, everything I’d achieved, maybe she was right.
And, maybe, I had to talk to Ben.