30. SOFIA
30
SOFIA
“ T hank you,” I said to Amy and hugged her again.
“Always,” Amy said. “It’s going to be fine, you’ll see.”
I swallowed hard. I was terrified of what it would mean to talk to Ben, to tell him I was pregnant, but Amy had convinced me it was the right thing to do. And she was right, of course. Amy was so level-headed.
When I’d met Ben and his friends, I’d seen her almost as a threat. But she was so sweet and kind and she had everyone’s best interests at heart.
“I’m going upstairs,” I said.
“See you in Newport,” Amy said. Her phone pinged, and she took it out. She started typing, her attention on the phone, and I stood and left the living room. I rode the elevator to the penthouse level and stepped out to go to my suite. I glanced in the direction of Ben’s door.
I would talk to him, I just needed to take that test, make sure of the facts.
I stared in the bathroom mirror; my face was streaked with makeup, my hair was a mess. I ran a brush through my hair, tied it up in a ponytail, and washed my face. I brushed my teeth and changed from the business clothes I’d put on for our meeting with Richard into jeans, a T-shirt, and ballerina flats.
Sometimes, I wished I could change my situations the way I changed my clothes, putting on different lives like I put on outfits, or planning them out the way I planned my style.
I left the room and rode the elevator to the lobby.
Where the hell was Ben? I hadn’t seen him since he’d told me that Richie wasn’t coming.
I would call him later.
I didn’t ask the front desk to order a taxi. Instead, I started walking.
A drugstore wasn’t too far off, and a walk through town would do me good. Blue skies, fresh air laced with a tang of salt. I took deep breaths and let them out slowly.
Everything was going to be okay. I had to tell myself that. No matter what, we could make this work.
Amy had said that if I was pregnant and I told Ben, he would step up and do the right thing. And I believed her.
If Ben was the man everyone knew him to be, then I wouldn’t have believed her, but I’d come to know Ben for who he really was over the past couple of days, and he wasn’t nearly the kind of man the rest of the world saw.
He was the kind of man who could be a good father.
A good husband.
The moment I thought it, a shiver ran down my spine.
I couldn’t think like that. I couldn’t get ahead of myself. Being there for me and the baby—if I was pregnant—was one thing, but marriage, a family, building a life together…
Was I ready for something like that?
I’d told myself since Brad dumped me for someone else that I wasn’t cut out for that kind of life. Having a family, being a mother and a wife and managing a household were the dreams of a child, and I’d grown up since then. My career had been everything, and I’d vowed never, ever to let a man get between me and my dreams again.
But my dreams had started to change. The idea of leaving Newport and going to Costa Rica was everything I would have wanted had this opportunity come up before the trip to Harborview, but now… thinking about leaving Ben behind made me feel sick.
It made me want to stay.
But wouldn’t that just be me giving up my dreams for a man again?
Or would it be me realizing dreams that I’d pushed much, much deeper down and finally let out?
I forced myself to stop thinking. I was just going in circles, and maybe I wasn’t even pregnant.
Then it would all be decided.
That’s not true , the little voice told me. If you’re not pregnant, you’ll still be leaving Ben behind.
Damn it.
The pregnancy tests were easy to find. I took two, as if that would improve my odds. I walked back to the hotel and went up to my room to take the tests.
My stomach knotted into a bunch while I waited, but when it was time, the pluses on both tests weren’t a surprise.
I’d known all along.
Now, at least, I had proof.
Now, I knew that my world would forever change, no matter what happened with Ben.
Ben .
I had to talk to him. I had to tell him what was going on so that he would know. My life wasn’t the only life that would change.
I left my room, walked to his, and knocked on his door.
He opened it a moment later. His eyes were dull, his jaw clenched.
I frowned. “Can I come in?”
“Is it important?”
I swallowed hard. “Yeah.” He was being cold, distant. He looked furious.
Ben hesitated before he stepped aside. It didn’t feel like I was welcome. It felt like he was conceding instead of just telling me to leave.
“Is everything okay?”
“Fine,” Ben said. “Richard rescheduled for four o’clock. It turned out to be a cramp in his arm, nothing serious.”
“Oh,” I said. I’d completely forgotten about Richie and his medical scare. “That’s good.”
“Yeah.” His voice was hard. “Then we can get this over and done with, and we can go home.”
“It’s hard to imagine it’s coming to an end,” I said softly. “Being here felt like an escape, a holiday, even though we were working.”
“All bubbles burst sooner or later.”
I frowned slightly. “Are you sure everything is okay?”
Ben turned to face me. “Why wouldn’t it be? Like you said, it’s almost done. Then we can go back home, back to our lives, and you’ll be released from this act I got you into. Just one more meeting, then you’re free.”
“Free? It wasn’t like it was a prison or something.” Had he not been there with every moment, every kiss, every touch between the sheets?
“Yeah, well, you won’t have to pretend anymore.”
I was confused. “I wasn’t pretending, Ben. I thought we already talked about this. I thought—”
“Is there a reason you came?” Ben asked, cutting me off. “I have work to take care of, and I’d like to get it done before Richard arrives. I want to make sure the deal is airtight so that we get what we need from the start.”
I swallowed hard. Whatever was going on, it wasn’t good. Something had happened, and Ben was pissed, and he was being cold toward me.
Despite being in the same room, it felt like we were miles apart.
“Fine,” I said, something inside me hardening, too. If he was going to be like this with me—factual, hard, businesslike—then I’d be the same with him. This was just a meeting, and I was just giving him feedback on a situation.
Facts.
Maybe it would make it easier to tell him what was going on if I saw it as just another project.
“I’m pregnant.”
Ben had turned away from me, but he froze. For a moment, he didn’t move.
“What?” he asked, not looking at me.
“You heard me.”
He slowly turned and looked at me. His face was hard, his eyes closed off.
“Are you sure?”
I nodded.
Ben’s mind turned. I could see him thinking despite the mask he had on. I’d come to know how to read his eyes, to see when and how he would respond. But with his face this hard, his responses were usually curt, cordial, business oriented, with no room for emotions.
“Well, then.”
“What does that mean?” I asked, frowning.
“Thank you for letting me know.”
I narrowed my eyes. “ Thank you for letting you know?! What’s that supposed to mean? Didn’t you hear what I said? I’m pregnant, Ben. With your baby.”
“Yes, I assumed it was mine,” he said tightly.
I raised my eyebrows. “And that’s your reaction? We’re not going to talk about what this means, how we’re going to move forward?”
Ben thought for a moment. “I’ll make sure you have everything you need. Send me bills, send me demands, I’ll make sure you get it.”
I shook my head. “This isn’t a project I can invoice, you know. I thought there was more between us. I thought we could be together in this.”
Ben snorted. “It was just pretend, remember?” He laughed, but it was laced with bitterness and didn’t reach his eyes, which were even more guarded now. “It was an act, and once we go home, all of it will be over. I’m not going to pretend with you for the sake of the baby. If anything, that will just screw up the kid. I’m not going to make you pretend. I’ll give you whatever you need, but that’s as far as it goes.”
His words stabbed at me one by one as he delivered them, and I stared at him, feeling torn and shredded and unstable on my feet.
“I don’t understand,” I said softly, my voice strained. “I thought…”
“Yeah, well, sometimes assuming can get you in shit.”
I shook my head. “You’re really just going to turn your back on your child? You’re not going to be a part of their life, not at any point?”
“Better that we draw the line now than shit doesn’t work out and I’m gone down the line. Trust me, it’s better not to have something at all than to think everything is fine and then lose it all later.”
“I don’t know what you’re trying to say,” I said. My voice hitched. I was close to tears.
“I’m saying that I’m not going to try to make this work with you because it won’t be real. I’ll help out wherever you need me to, and you’ll get your support, as it will be my duty and fucked if I won’t follow through on that. But this thing between you and me, this act… ends this afternoon after four, when Richard comes to seal the deal.”
I stared at Ben, trying to find the caring, warm, open guy underneath his suit of armor. But he was unreachable.
He’d closed himself off completely, and all that remained was his poker face.
The one that was incapable of love.
“Fine,” I said.
“Fine,” he retorted, like we were kids in a schoolyard.
“Fine,” I whispered before I turned and left his room, my heart shattering into a million pieces.