37. BEN
37
BEN
“ H ey, man,” Chris said, walking into my office.
I looked up from a document I was reading, surprised to see him.
“You’re venturing far from home,” I said.
Chris snorted. “Don’t be an ass. I can talk to my brother if I want to, you know. I don’t have to be chained to the workshop.”
He dropped himself into one of the chairs facing me, shifted the other chair with his foot so it turned, and propped one leg up on the seat, getting comfortable.
“You just don’t usually drop by,” I said and sat back, glad to have a distraction from work. The documents were so fucking boring I could scream, and I struggled to concentrate on shit that didn’t interest me.
Which seemed to be everything lately.
“So, how are things?” Chris asked. “I heard about the project falling through. Tough break.”
I shrugged. “I guess shit happens, huh?” I hesitated, studying Chris’s face. “How much did you hear about it?” Did he know that I’d fucked it up by lying and then fucked up what I had with Sofia, too?
“That the old man decided not to go with the project after all,” Chris said with a sniff, not giving away that he knew anything more, if he did. “I saw your press release, too. Pretty cool of you to decide to invest in that project yourself.”
I shrugged. “What else am I gonna do with all the cash that we make?”
“I’m just saying, it’s a good cause, and that’s… nice.”
I narrowed my eyes at my brother.
“What?” he asked, laughing. “Don’t look at me like that. You’re just usually so closed off from the world, an investment in something humanitarian is a nice change, something that’s out there for you.”
“You think I’m closed off?”
“Yeah,” Chris said. “Come on, it’s no secret you’re a dark horse, Ben. You’re always so brooding and quiet and no one knows what the fuck is going on in that head of yours. It’s nice to see you crawling out of your shell a bit, doing something good.”
I nodded slowly.
“She hasn’t called yet,” I said.
Chris was silent for long enough that I looked up to see if he’d heard me.
“Sofia?”
“Yeah. I thought after the press release she would call.”
“Why?”
I still couldn’t gauge if my brother knew what was going on or if his information was just about the work side of things.
“I just thought…” I let my voice trail off, not knowing how to end that sentence.
“That after that press release, she would call because she knows you feel differently about it now?”
So he did know more than he let on.
I nodded and simultaneously, Chris shook his head.
“What?”
“I still don’t get why you think she would call,” Chris said.
“I just thought… I mean, I apologized, right?”
“On TV?”
“Well… yeah.”
Chris studied my face for a moment.
“You know, Ben, it’s not wrong to risk it all when you know that it’s the right thing to do.”
“I’ve never risked it all,” I admitted. “I never thought it would matter. But since I met her, everything’s changed. My way of thinking about things. My way of doing things. What I want for my future.”
“You’re that serious about her?”
I nodded. The truth was, I really was that serious about her. Even though it was fucking terrifying to think of being with a woman long term, of marriage, and children… but the alternative was not having her in my life for all of that, and that part scared me a hell of a lot more.
“Alex told me you’d gotten tangled up with her, but I didn’t think it was a big deal. I mean, you don’t really do that kind of thing, you know?”
“I know,” I said. “But she’s different. She looks at the world, and suddenly it turns into this magical place. She touches something and it turns from something horrible into something amazing. She looks at me… and I feel like the same happens. I want that with her.”
Chris grinned at me.
“What?” I asked, defensive.
“I’m not laughing at you, relax. I think it’s beautiful that you found something you care this much about. You deserve it, Ben.”
That was the thing. Until recently, I really didn’t think I deserved it. But now, after everything I’ve been through, after all the soul-searching and waxing poetic over a woman I’d never meant to fall for, I did think I deserved it.
“I have to tell you something,” I said, looking down.
“What?”
I hesitated just a beat. “She’s pregnant.”
When I glanced up at Chris because he didn’t reply, his mouth hung open, and he blinked at me.
“It wasn’t supposed to happen,” I added. “And at first, I wasn’t going to really be a part of the whole thing, you know? But I don’t know, I think it could actually be okay. Having a family.”
“Having a family is the best part, Ben,” Chris said.
Just those words. Nothing else. No judgement, no snide remarks. Just the words that I should have known all along.
“She didn’t call, though.”
“So? Maybe she didn’t see it. Or maybe she didn’t get that you weren’t just talking about the project. Or maybe a lot of things. If you want her, man, you should go get her.”
He was right. Damn it, he was right.
“And if she doesn’t want me?” That was the part that scared the shit out of me. What if I went after her and she didn’t want me? What if she told me that she was going to do it alone, that she didn’t want me in her life, that I’d ruined our chances?
“Then it’s her loss,” Chris said. “Because you’re a pretty great guy. But I can’t see why she wouldn’t want you.”
My worries and fears returned in a wave, and for a moment I wanted to tell Chris that it would be because I wasn’t worth it.
But I shoved the thoughts away and refused to verbalize them. Because I was worth it.
“It’s a risk you have to take,” Chris said. “Love is always a risk. But if you don’t risk it all, you’ll be right where you are now. At least, if you try, you have the chance that you’ll find that happy ending. If you don’t try, then you’re already sealing your own fate. Don’t wait for the princess to come to you, Ben. Be the knight, get on that fucking steed, go get her.”
I snorted. “You’re such a sap.”
Chris laughed. “Yeah, well. Whatcha gonna do?”
I knew exactly what I was going to do.
I stood. “I have to go.”
Chris chuckled. “Yeah, I thought so. I have to go anyway, too. I have a workshop to get back to, you know?”
I left my office before Chris did, practically jogging out of the building. I hopped into one of the company cars—fucked if I was going to wait for a car to take me where I needed to go—and floored it through the streets of LA.
While I drove, I tried not to let my mind run loose.
I tried not to be too terrified of what the response would be.
All I was going to do was to tell her the truth, to tell her how I felt, and let the cards fall where they may.
It was so much easier said than done, and by the time I stopped in front of her apartment building, my stomach was a knot of nerves, and I felt like I was going to throw up.
Was this what it had felt like for Sofia to tell me that she was pregnant?
I’d been such a selfish, narrow-minded fool. I’d only seen my side of things.
But that was going to change here and now.
Even if she turned me down, which I was almost fucking sure she was going to do.
When I knocked on the door, my stomach twisted and turned again. My face burned hot. I breathed hard with the adrenaline of speeding through the city and standing here ready to bare it all.
She took forever to answer the door. I knocked a second time, almost sure that she wasn’t in.
My heart sank a little. But I could wait here for her until—
The door opened, and Sofia stood in front of me. Her hair was disheveled as if she’d been sleeping, and her skin was pale. Her gray eyes, always so striking, were confused.
“I’m sorry, I fell asleep on the couch,” she said. She touched her hand to her hair. “I probably look like crap.”
“You look beautiful,” I blurted out. “You’ll always look beautiful, no matter what you do.”
Her eyes widened a little. “Ben…”
“Can I come in?” My heart fluttered in my chest and it was getting harder to breathe. Damn it, I’d done so many scary things in my life and I hadn’t batted an eyelid, but talking to the girl I was in love with scared the living shit out of me.
She nodded and opened her door a little wider so I could step in.
The curtains were drawn, and a blanket was rumpled on the couch. There were cups on the coffee table.
“I didn’t get a chance to clean,” she said and looked embarrassed.
“It’s fine,” I said. “Really. How are you? Are you okay?”
She shrugged slightly. “I don’t know. I’m fine. I guess. Sick a lot, and so tired, but apparently that will pass in a couple of weeks.” She glanced at me.
“Have you been to the doctor?” I asked, suddenly concerned.
She shook her head. “I wasn’t… ready.”
I nodded slowly. “We should get you an appointment as quickly as possible.”
Her eyebrows knitted together. “We?”
“Yeah,” I said. “Sofia, I’m not going anywhere. I want to be here for this. And not just the baby, either. All of it.”
“But you said—”
“I was a total dickhead. I was caught up in my own nightmares and feeling sorry for myself. I let my past dictate my future and I nearly let the best thing that ever happened to me slip through my fingers because of it.”
She just looked at me with those eyes that could melt my heart—and freeze it at the same time.
“Did you see the press release?”
“I did,” she said. “It’s so great that you’re going to do the project even if Richie isn’t involved. I really think the people need it.”
“Yeah,” I said. “They do… you showed me that. You showed me a lot of things, Sofia. You taught me to open my eyes and look at the world around me.” I reached for her and took her hand, and she didn’t pull away from me. “You turned my attention away from myself. And I love you for it.”
Sofia’s eyes widened, and her lips parted in shock when I said it.
It had slipped out, but fucked if I was going to take that back because I meant it.
“That’s why I’m here,” I powered on, the speech I’d sort of tried to piece together in the car already backward, now. “I needed you to know that I love you. I’m not just in love with you. I fell for you so damn hard, and I’m here, heart and soul, ready to do all of it with you.”
“Ben…”
“If you’ll have me, of course, if you want to do this together,” I added quickly. I didn’t want her to feel pressure. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to accept me just because she was carrying my baby. “If you decide you still want to do it alone I will be heartbroken but I will respect your choice and be there for the baby. I’ll be involved as much or as little as you want me—”
She put her free hand on my cheek to get me to stop talking.
“Do you really want to be a part of all this?”
“I do.” I let out a breath. “I want to be there every step of the way, for every bit of life with you. I mean it when I say I love you.”
Her eyes welled with tears, and she squeezed them shut, sniveling.
“These stupid hormones,” she whispered. “They make me cry about everything these days.” She opened her eyes, and they were bright. “I love you, too.”
I blinked at her. Those words had been the words I hadn’t allowed myself to hope for. “You do?”
She giggled. “Yeah. Ben, I love you. I’ve loved you for a while now. I shouldn’t have, but I fell for you. For your grumpy moments, your gruff way of dealing with things… and I love the parts that you don’t show the rest of the world. Your gentle heart. Your love for artisan coffee. The way you notice the little things, even if you don’t want the rest of the world to know you do. I love all of it.”
I felt silly about the things I hadn’t realized she’d seen. And then I realized that that was exactly the point. I’d shown those things to her. I never showed any of it to anyone, but Sofia was different.
“This is going to be scary,” Sofia said, biting her lower lip. “The baby, the pregnancy… I don’t know what’s going to happen, and I have no idea what to expect. I didn’t want any of this, but I know I want it with you.”
“We’ll take it one step at a time,” I said. “We’ll take it day by day. We don’t have to jump into anything we’re not ready for. Right now, I just want to be with you, make sure you’re okay, and the rest we’ll face when we’re ready.”
Sofia nodded and squeezed her eyes closed again, probably to hide more tears.
I took her chin between my thumb and forefinger.
“Hey,” I said softly. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. Not your fears, not your tears. I’m here for all of it. Okay?”
“Okay,” Sofia whispered.
“I love you,” I said again.
“I love you, too.”
God, I would never, ever get tired of hearing that.
I closed the distance between us, wrapped my arms around her, and kissed her.