Chapter 1
One. We have nothing.
Tamara, May
Now
Am I breathing? It’s unclear at this point.
I’m not sure if I want to punch the man or kiss him, and I don’t even know how I feel about him being here.
Someone is guiding me into a bedroom and then I’m curling up on something soft.
I can’t seem to get a grip on where I am or what’s happening.
When air finally rattles in my chest, I force my eyes open and everything comes into focus.
Beach house. Mahabalipuram1. Vera and Elias2. A swimming pool. Beach cricket. Cute boys.
Hey, Lotus.
Patrick Joseph.
I suck in a large gulp of air and sit up, immediately noticing the concern on Vera’s face. She sits on the edge of the bed, still staring at me and I realise no words have come out of me in a while.
“Why is he here?”
“He’s Elias’s brother.”
“What the fuck.”
“I would have told you if I knew you two had history.”
“We have nothing.” I wave her off, aware that my hand is shaking. We had everything. Once. He fucking ruined that.
“He called you Lotus. I didn’t know other people called you that.”
“They don’t. He shouldn’t.”
After that summer, I never went back to camp.
I refused to date Malayalis3 and never introduced myself as Thaamara ever again.
While Patrick used the English translation of my name, my Velliamma always used the Malayalam word.
After she died, nobody ever called me either version.
And now, there’s this boy—no, this man—calling me a nickname nobody else knows or uses.
My heart threatens to cave in and I press a hand to my chest.
“Remember the sports camp Velliamma sent me to during the summer? I met him there. When he first asked me for my name, I said Thaamara and he called me Lotus and I loved it.” I loved him.
It’s been twenty something years and I haven’t thought about camp or summers with him in a long time.
Except the day he joined the Indian field hockey team—his name and picture were headlines across sports sections of every newspaper.
That was the first time I’d seen what the adult version of the boy I once loved looked like and I hated him all over again.
He was beautiful as a teenager and he grew into everything as an adult.
Now, ten years since then, he looks even better.
Oh, I still fucking hate him.
“I know he’s the brother of the man you love, but I’m not going to deal with him.”
“You do whatever you need to protect yourself. I support you.”
I squeeze my cousin’s hand. “Thank you for being my best friend, Vee.”
“I really didn’t have much choice, did I?”
I jab a finger in her side and she scoots away, so I follow until we’re tickling each other and falling off the bed.
Temporarily, thoughts of him are cleared from my mind.
I focus on the joy coursing through me at being with my cousin.
At knowing she’s found the most incredible man to love her and love in return.
A throat clears and we both look up to find Elias watching us.
Like his brother, Elias is a handsome guy.
Even if you don’t see them together, you’d know they’re related.
It’s the eyes and the way their mouths tip upwards in a half-smile.
A professional cricketer, he swooped in and stole my cousin’s heart.
She claims to not be in love with him, but I see the way she responds whenever he’s in the room.
Vera deserves someone good and kind like Elias.
Somebody who sees her for who she is and adores her.
“You ladies okay?”
I nod and sit up. “We’re great. Is your brother locked in his evil lair?”
“For the time being, yes.”
“I know this is a siblings weekend and we’re all gatecrashing,” I say, not wanting to be ungrateful, but still needing to draw my boundaries, “but I’d appreciate it if I wasn’t expected to spend too much time with him.”
“That’s a doable and fair request. Will you be okay, though?”
My shoulder lifts in a shrug. Okay is relative. I want to see his face one more time, I want to punch him too. But in the grand scheme of things, I will be okay. There’s enough to distract and keep me busy. Plus, I’m pretty sure Elias’s cricketer friends were hitting on me earlier.
“I might kill him, but I promise to clean up after myself and dispose of the body.”
He laughs. “Please don’t. He might be an asshole at times, but he’s my brother and I do love him.”
“Fiiiiiiiine. Only ‘cause you’re boning my cousin and I like how happy you make her.”
“Appreciate it.”
Elias helps Vera and me to our feet, then once they’re sure I’m okay, they leave the room.
When the door closes behind them, I drop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling.
Despite my best efforts, my head is full of Patrick memories.
The way he’d touch and hold me, how he’d whisper my name as we lay in the grass together.
Or how much time he spent playing with my hair.
It was shorter then, a curly mop on top of my head, but he’d still twist his fingers through the thick strands as he told me silly stories about his siblings.
Tears burn the back of my eyes and I sit up again, blinking them again.
Do not cry has been my life’s motto when it comes to relationships and love.
I didn’t cry when I found out Kabir was cheating on me.
I couldn’t cry when I lost our baby. I refused to cry when our relationship finally ended. I deny the need to cry now.
I’ve done everything in my power to ignore Patrick, but it’s impossible when the man is built to fill every room he steps into.
Tall, broad and strong, his presence is felt long before I even see him.
Sure, this isn’t a large group of people, but I thought I’d be able to avoid him.
I stayed in my room the first night, refusing to come out even to get a glass of water.
Today everyone’s very aware of the tension simmering between us.
Patrick certainly makes it worse by trying to corner me every chance he gets.
Breakfast was tense, but afterwards all three Joseph siblings seem to have disappeared.
I know it’s Vera’s doing and I’m grateful.
If I have to pretend like I can’t see Patrick for another minute, my brain might explode.
Photographs in the newspaper haven’t really done justice to the size of the man and I refused to spend any time Googling him all these years.
I got to watch him grow up during our summer camp days, getting taller and stronger with each year.
I even witnessed his voice cracking. But I was not fully prepared for the complete picture.
His hair is much longer now and pulled back in a top knot secured with either colourful ribbons or scrunchies.
My fingers itch to tug at the bit that hangs out, but I know better than to go anywhere near him.
He’s kept his clothes on, for the most part, but this morning when he wandered out in board shorts and a printed with the buttons undone, I choked on my tea.
Between mouthfuls of food and large gulps of water, I saw the tattoos on his chest and the firmness of his torso.
I had to keep reminding myself not to look too long because I didn’t want him to know.
If that’s not enough, his shorts hug his thick thighs and sturdy legs, his arms are inked, a dragon on one side and a collection of random things on the other.
The thing that really kills me is his beard.
The boy I remember from camp could barely grow a moustache.
Now he’s got a thick beard that clings to his jaw and is well groomed.
It frames his face really nicely too, accentuating his full mouth and drawing your attention to those gorgeous golden brown eyes.
Back then, his eyes were my greatest weakness. Now I fear it might be all of him.
“Tamara. Tam. Can I call you Tam?” Nina, Elias’s sister, asks as she sits on the edge of my pool lounger.
“Depends on why you’re here.”
She smiles and I return it. I don’t hate her; it’s not her fault her older brother broke my heart and behaves like everything is totally fine between us.
“I was wondering if you’d like to go for a swim. In the ocean.”
“The Bay of Bengal4, you mean?”
Nina rolls her eyes. “Vera said the same thing. But sure, whatever. Would you like to go for a swim in the Bay?”
“I’d love to.”
“Great. I’m gonna change, meet you back here in ten?”
She charges off, blue-tipped hair fluttering in the breeze.
From the corner of my eye, Patrick makes his approach and I slowly get to my feet.
I brought a bikini, but decided against wearing it.
And I’m glad—it reveals too much and certain people don’t deserve to see me that way.
Instead I’m wearing a pink one-piece with a deep back and cut-outs at my hips.
Patrick’s eyes have been burning holes into my body since I stepped out and I’m enjoying it. If he’s tortured, nothing else matters.
“Bash, you wanna join us for a swim?”
“I’m already swimming,” he says with a frown, gesturing to the pool where he’s lazing in a watermelon shaped floatie.
“In the Bay, babe.”
A growl echoes behind me and I fight back a smile, lifting my sunglasses to the top of my head.
Bash is a cricketer and plays for the Chennai Renegades alongside Elias.
He’s a handsome guy and smiles more than most people I know.
If this was a romance novel, he’d be a Golden Retriever or even the sunniest sunshine you’ve ever met.
His short hair is slicked back with water and the wrinkles on his forehead slip away when I tilt my head and wave for him to join us.
I’m glad he doesn’t have to be asked twice.
He lifts himself out of the pool and flashes me a beautiful smile.
“To the Bay we go,” he says, grabbing towels as Nina returns.
With my large beach hat on my head and sunglasses covering my eyes, I slip my feet into my flip-flops just as another sound floats over.
Looking over my shoulder, I find Patrick standing inside the house with his arms crossed over his chest. The smile that’s been lighting up his face all day is now replaced with a dark scowl.
I wiggle my fingers in a wave and our eyes meet briefly before I turn away.
I completely ignore him when he mutters, “What are you doing, Lotus?”
When we get back to the house, Bash and Nina join the gang for beach cricket.
I decide to stay back and Patrick looks like he’s going to do the same, but his siblings drag him away just in time.
I wash up and take the time necessary to rinse and scrub my curly hair, using the quiet to also catch my breath.
Despite all of my flirting, I have no intention of doing anything with Bash.
He knows it. In fact, we talked about it on our walk back to the house with Nina.
I made it clear I’m fresh out of a shitty eight-year relationship and my last Tinder date was an absolute disaster, and while Bash is a great guy I’m not looking for anything right now.
In fact, I’m not even looking for sex. Being single sounds pretty damn good.
Even if it’s been a while since I’ve been alone.
It’s so cliché to say, but my relationship with Kabir was great at first. But the few good years don’t matter when the last few were the worst. There was cheating and lying, then lots of denying until I managed to catch him.
Soon after the relationship ended, my therapist congratulated me.
She never once asked why I didn’t leave before.
We knew why.
I didn’t stay with Kabir only out of love or because he was the only guy in the world.
I stayed because I was comfortable and safe.
Giving eight great years of my life to him might not have been part of my plan, but I thought we’d go the distance.
We talked about it briefly, then ignored it forever.
It took a lot for me to kick him out and even then, it hadn’t been easy.
Now that he’s out of my life and my flat is empty of all his things, everything is better. I’m lighter, work is more fun, I get to do whatever I want to do and I feel relieved. It’s become very clear that I don’t need a relationship to be complete. I fulfill all my own needs.
It’s been two days since I got home from Mahabalipuram and I’d love to say I haven’t thought of Patrick once.
Whenever my eyes slip shut, he’s there. Whenever I’m standing still during a site visit, he’s strolling through my brain like it doesn’t even matter.
Then finally when I’m ready to start yelling and shouting about him during a therapy session, he texts.
Unknown
It’s Patrick. Joseph. Elias’s brother.
I don’t know why I said that. You know who I am. Just like I know who you are and you’re not a mean girl, Tamara. I don’t know why you chose to ignore me, but I’d love to talk about it.
I’m staying with Elias for a few more days before I go home. One conversation and I won’t bother you again. I’ll be in Paris next month and you won’t see me again. When you have the time, let’s talk. To clear the air. To understand why you hate me so much.
Here’s the address. I hope I get to see you soon, Lotus.