Chapter 23 Win You Back
Twenty-Three. Win you back
Patrick
When I imagined us talking again, this was not how I thought it would unfold.
We went from being strangers for almost two weeks to being a couple to get her a job to talking about our past. I didn’t expect her to apologise, especially now that I know why she’s been so angry with me.
I don’t fault her for holding onto it for twenty-something years.
Back then, everything stung and hurt and it was a lot to process.
Teenage hormones, or whatever. I was heartbroken when I came back and she wasn’t there either.
I get it. I fucking hate that I did it to her.
We ride Nyx back home in silence, her arms tight around my waist as the city blurs past us.
I think of all the ways I can explain this to her without making her cry more than she probably will.
When we walk into the apartment, the two of us take our time removing our shoes and setting our things down.
I grab us water while she settles at one end of the couch.
Her mouth is turned down, eyes brimming with tears when I join her.
“My grandmother died a week before that summer,” I start, clearing my throat to fight back the emotional onslaught of memories. “I’d told her I’d met the girl of my dreams at camp. How I couldn’t wait to go back so we could plan our escape. She was really excited for me.”
I laugh sadly. My Ammachi1 was my favourite person and when she heard I had another favourite, she encouraged me to make her more.
“She’d been sick for years, but bounced back easily.
The doctors kept misdiagnosing her and we could never figure out what the problem was.
Towards the end of her life, they discovered it was cancer.
By then we couldn’t do anything to save her and she didn’t want to live in pain anymore. I didn’t think she’d die,” I whisper.
As the eldest grandchild, I spent so much time with my Ammachi. I learned cooking and other life skills from her and my Appacha2. They were my pseudo parents while my own were working long hours and then bringing Elias and Nina into the world.
I don’t look at Tamara, because I know the minute our eyes lock I’ll be unable to finish the story.
“I was so excited to come back to you. My bags were filled with gifts. Ammachi made you a crochet coaster with our initials and everything. The week before I was to leave I went to visit her and she was gone. I found her.” I close my eyes, remembering the moment I walked into her bedroom and saw her lying in bed, not breathing, lips blue.
“It was the worst time of my life. I didn’t know how to function or what to do.
I’d lost one of the most important people in my life.
Grief took over and nothing but my pain mattered. ”
My parents did their best to help me with what I was going through, but nothing worked.
For almost a year, I was basically catatonic.
My grandfather had died a few years before and my grandparents’ home, the house I grew up in, was empty.
A shell of what it once was. A house, but not a home.
My siblings didn’t understand what I was going through either, because while they loved our Ammachi, their relationship with her was different.
And I couldn’t put into words to anybody else how special she was to me.
“I came back the next year. But when I got to camp, they told me you dropped out of the programme.” She nods, lips twisted to the side. I sigh and add, “I asked them if they had your contact details, but they refused to share because of confidentiality or whatever.
“I never meant to hurt you or make you think I didn’t want you. I searched for you. I joined Facebook in the hopes of finding you and when it came up empty, I deleted my profile. I didn’t know where you were or how to find you and outside of coming to Chennai and stalking you, I was lost.”
I rub the back of my neck, struggling to find the right words to say. I don’t want to make it seem like this is her fault. Because it’s not. Our communication skills were shitty when we were kids and clearly it’s not improved much.
“I waited, Lotus. I looked for you for years. But then it got too hard. I realised in all of that time, you’d probably moved on and found someone new. Found the kind of love you deserved, the love I thought I could give you.”
“I didn’t,” she whispers, voice cracking as she shakes her head.
Fuck. “I didn’t either. It took me years to move on and even then, I fucking hated letting you go.”
“I thought…I thought you’d had enough of me and you’d moved on,” she tells me softly, sniffling and tumbling over her words. “That I wasn’t enough.”
I inch forward, closing the gap between us. “You were so much more than enough. I never meant to leave you. I was always going to come back for you. I had a plan.”
She nods, looking away from me as she says, “I’m sorry about your grandmother, Trick. I remember how much you loved her.”
“I loved you so much too, Tamara. They say teenagers don’t know love and that’s bullshit. I knew…I knew you were my one true love even then.”
Her eyebrow arches and I realise my slip.
But I don’t take it back or correct myself.
Tamara Chandy was my first love and I know she’ll always be the one that got away.
Unless sitting here together, thinking about our future as a couple as we raise our kid means she never gets away from me.
I edge closer, our eyes locked. I need to touch her and hold her. I need to know this is real.
“My therapist says my issues with abandonment started with my parents and then were fuelled by you,” she admits softly and I stop moving.
My heart’s being yanked out of my chest slowly and painfully.
I know her parents died when she was little, but to have what I did to her be compared to that stings.
“I don’t think that’s true, though,” she continues and I close my eyes. “It’s obvious none of you intended to leave me, but my brain doesn’t know that. I carried all this guilt that maybe I wasn’t good enough and that’s why I lost the people I loved most.”
“Lotus…”
“I know. I know, it’s ridiculous and I’m working through it.
It’s why therapy is so great. But it took me so long to make sense of my life and trust in people.
I used to blame you. I’d talk about my one great love and how he left me behind and why that was the reason I didn’t give myself fully to relationships. ”
I don’t hide my wince, because that hurts. But it hurts even more to think Tamara doesn’t see her worth. She deserves the fucking world.
“It’s not your fault, though. Even if you didn’t love me anymore, that’s on me and not you. And I’m so sor—”
“Stop,” I say louder than I intended. I reach for her hands and squeeze gently.
“I hate that my leaving you behind made you think this is your fault. It’s not.
Look at me, Lo.” She hesitatingly meets my eyes.
“You’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.
The most wonderful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of loving.
What happened with your parents, grandparents and me…
it’s on us. Life has a shitty way of making us think all the bad things that happen to us is our fault, but it’s not.
“I hurt you, Tamara. There’s no two ways about it. I broke your heart, like you said, and that’s my fault. And I am so terribly sorry.”
“Trick, I…I did hate you.”
“I know, baby. You had every right to hate me. I wouldn’t have blamed you if you got one of those dolls and poked me to death too.”
She snorts out a laugh and clamps a hand over her mouth to stifle it. I gently tug her hand away and smile.
“The thought I ever made you feel like you weren’t enough or didn’t love you breaks me.”
Her hands come up to cup my face and I still, afraid to breathe. “I don’t hate you anymore, though.”
I nod and she presses her forehead against mine. I have confessions on the tip of my tongue, admissions I’m not sure I should make or words I should tell her. But she deserves to know, right? Tilting my head, I press a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth and then lean away so I can meet her eyes.
“These few weeks were really difficult, but I get why you were being careful. I’m also hoping this is our second chance. Whatever I need to do to prove to you that I’m sticking around and not going anywhere, I’ll do it. Let me love you, Lo. Let me love you again.”
“Did you ever stop?”
I chuckle despite how raw I’m feeling. “Twenty years is a long time. I might have dated other people and tried to move forward, but I never let you go.”
“Same.”
And there’s that spark of hope. We look into each other’s eyes, words are not important anymore, we’ve said all we had to say. Everything that matters has been explained and talked about. Now it’s about whether or not we’re on the right track, the same page.
“But,” she starts and I hold my breath. “As much love as there is here, Trick, it’s not going to be easy. You know that, right? I’ve got so much shit from my past relationship to work through first.”
“What shit? What did he do?”
Her hand lands on my chest and my racing heart starts to slow down. “Just…breathe. I want to tell you about Kabir and I also want us to date. To do this for real. Start from scratch, almost.”
Kabir. I stash his name away for another day. If I ever meet the twerp, I’ll put a hole in his face.
“I can do that.”
“Fall in love with the people we are now.”
“A step ahead of you already.”
“Patrick,” she warns and I zip my mouth shut. “I love your flirting and how much attention you pay me. I don’t want it to stop. I want the kissing and handholding. I want us to be all of those things, but slowly.”
“You want me to win you back,” I say simply.
“You don’t have to win me, Trick. I’ve been yours since I was fourteen and that’ll never change. We can’t just pick up where we left off at camp, okay?”
I nod, starting to understand what she needs from me. I need to woo her, earn her love and show her she’s making the right choice by giving us another chance.
“I’m really sorry for how I’ve behaved these past few weeks.
Seeing you in Mahabalipuram was a huge shock.
I never thought we’d meet again or have any chance to do this again,” she admits with a sad smile.
“You know when I realised this baby was yours I was so excited. I was still angry, but giddy at the idea you and I would be connected. Then I was pissed because you were still the boy who broke my heart.”
Laughing softly, I nod. “I’m going to do everything in my power to make you forget I ever hurt you.”
“Consider it forgotten.”
My heart has ached for Tamara Chandy for so long. To brush my fingers through her curly hair and trace the little sun spots on her face, to remind her every single day that she’s my one true love. Twenty years is a long time, but first loves are hard to forget.
“Despite everything, I had a good time today.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, Mrs. Joseph,” I tease and she rolls her eyes.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself.”
“You’re already carrying my baby. We’re way ahead of everything.”
Tamara looks like she wants to launch into a lecture, but catches herself in time. She smiles at me and stands. I don’t move, afraid to upset this balance we’ve created.
“I’m gonna nap. Maybe we can cook dinner together later?”
“I’d like that.”
“Okay.” She smiles and shifts on her feet awkwardly.
I start to stand, but she shakes her head and spins on the balls of her feet.
My eyes trail her as she hurries to her bedroom and closes the door.
As silence settles in the flat, I let out a loud sigh and slump back against the couch.
The past few weeks have been emotionally charged and today was the icing on the cake, pun intended.
But now that we’ve talked, things are looking up.
It’s all I’ve wanted since I walked into the beach house in Mahabalipuram and saw my first love glaring at me.