Chapter 2 #2
That’s a dangerous offer, my subconscious whispers.
We wait until the rest of the crew are down in the lobby, then make our way up to my apartment on the sixty-seventh floor.
Surprisingly, I don’t feel nervous in the elevator with Hunter at my side.
Maybe it’s because he’s already rescued me once, and he seems like the kind of guy who wouldn’t panic in a situation.
He’s cool as a cucumber. Calming. He makes me feel at ease by standing next to him.
I don’t know what I would have done if he weren’t here. Probably would’ve had to call Blaine to come and get me. Twin brother to the rescue, like always.
Once we’re outside my apartment, I unlock the door but don’t push it open. Instead, I turn to Hunter and offer what I’m hoping is a convincing smile that I’m okay.
“Thank you. I’m sorry for being annoying.”
A small crease on his forehead appears as his brows pinch, similar to the look he gave me at the family day. “You’re not annoying at all, Elliot. Your fears are valid. Don’t ever apologize for that.”
I nod a few times, a little lost for words and feeling exhausted all of a sudden.
“Try and take it easy for the rest of the day. Stay hydrated, and if you start to feel unwell, give us a call, okay?”
“I will. Thanks, Hunter.”
“Anytime.” He smiles. My stomach swoops when he flashes me a quick wink. “Take care of yourself. I’ll see you around.”
I stand there, unable to tear my eyes off him as he heads back toward the service elevator and steps inside. When our eyes lock, his lips hitch up on the side in a crooked smile before the doors close, and he disappears from view.
Fuck. How can I be in love with someone I’ve only met a handful of times?
You’re not in love with him, that little voice in my mind says.
I know that. It’s like my brain has been fixated on him ever since we met and he was really nice to me. He made me feel all kinds of fuzzy feels, and now it’s like nobody else exists except for Hunter. I have this unhealthy crush on a guy I can never have or will ever act on.
And I don’t know how to move on from it.
Pushing open the door, I kick off my shoes and walk into my room.
I need to get out of these clothes before they make my skin burn.
I strip down to my boxers and climb into my unmade bed and turn the TV on for background noise.
Out the window, the sky is gray and cloudy and cold-looking, and the sight of it has me pulling the duvet up further.
It’s not long after I start to doze off when I hear the door opening, then the sound of nails clicking against the hard floor.
“El?” Blaine calls out. “Where are you?”
“In bed,” I reply, and moments later, his dog, Ernie, comes running into my room and jumps on the bed.
I laugh as he smothers me in excited kisses, then lies next to me and rests his head on my chest. I sink my hand into his soft fur, finding the texture soothing under my fingers.
He’s always so calming for me. No matter what mood I’m in, he eases something in me.
Blaine appears in the doorway with Alex not far behind. They take a seat on the edge of my bed, both of them wearing matching concerned expressions.
“Are you okay?” Blaine asks.
“I’m fine,” I lie.
“Don’t lie to me.”
I snort.
One thing about us is we know when each other isn’t telling the truth. We can read each other’s emotions without having to speak a word. Blaine is the only one who truly knows me and how my brain seems to be wired differently from everyone else’s. We tell each other everything.
Well, maybe not everything. Because I did keep it from him that I felt pushed out when he got married to Alex in the summer.
Like I would be forgotten and no longer the closest person to him.
I still haven’t found the right time to tell him I’m scared to lose him.
It’s not that I dislike Alex or want Alex for myself.
It’s that Blaine found his person in Alex, and I’m scared that I won’t find mine.
“We saw Hunter downstairs as we were coming back from a walk. He mentioned you got trapped in the elevator,” Alex says softly, and I can hear his worry in his voice.
“Yeah, there was a power outage, and the elevator got stuck, then I freaked out,” I admit, pushing myself to sit up slightly without jostling Ernie. “I had a panic attack, and the paramedic lady said my heart rate was a little high, but it was normal after being an idiot.”
“She did not say that. You’re not an idiot,” Blaine argues.
I roll my eyes and scoff, “Fine, she didn’t say I was an idiot.
But I’ll be alright. I can’t believe he saw me like that.
I just…” I trail off, glancing down at Ernie and threading my fingers deeper into his fur.
“I completely freaked out. The lights went out, and the elevator jolted. Then the lights didn’t come back on for so long.
I didn’t think I was going to get out, then I kinda shut down. ”
Alex’s expression is full of sympathy. “I’m so sorry, Elliot. That sounds really scary.”
I nod solemnly. “It was, and now Hunter has seen me like that.” I let out a defeated sigh. “He’s never gonna love me now.”
“Why don’t we make him something to say thank you?” he suggests.
“I don’t want to make him a blow job cake. My hands would get all sticky, then I’ll have another freak-out because of the spit and the frosting and the jizz and—” I wiggle my fingers and shake my head vehemently. “No, thank you.”
Blaine barks out a laugh as Alex drops his face into his palm and groans. “Jacob’s gonna kill me for telling you that. But no, no blow job cupcakes, but we could do thank-you cupcakes. Or donuts. Or cookies.”
“But I don’t know when he’ll be at work, and they’ll think I’m weird if I turn up with a collection of ‘thank you for saving me and these aren’t blow job cakes.’”
“Ah.” Alex holds his finger up. “You forget we know someone whose boyfriend works at Engine 3 with Hunter. Or we can take them tonight. I know Daniel mentioned they work twenty-four-hour shifts.”
Oh shit, yeah. I forgot about that. Daniel is one of the bakers who works with Alex and Jacob, and is dating Lucas, who works with Hunter. I’m pretty sure I saw him earlier, but I can’t remember. All the faces have blurred in my memory except for Hunter’s perfect face.
“Will you help me?”
Alex smiles. “Of course I will.”
I get dressed in some loose sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, and then we head up the stairs to their apartment. Alex gets all the ingredients out of the cupboard while I play tug-of-war with Ernie on the living room rug.
My gaze follows Blaine as he walks into the kitchen and loops his arms around Alex’s waist. They murmur something to each other. I can’t hear what they’re saying, but their tone sounds all cute and affectionate, and the look on their faces only highlights how in love they are with one another.
I desperately want what they have. The connection. The closeness. The feeling of safety. Knowing someone loves you unconditionally.
I’m aware that I’m a lot for people. They don’t know how to handle me, especially when I experience these moments of burnout. It’s exhausting trying to constantly fit in and manage the seven billion emotions I feel all the damn time.
But despite being surrounded by people who love me, there’s this loneliness that’s eating away at me. I’m scared I’ll never get to experience what it’s like to be with someone and be in love.
My fear of confined spaces is one thing, but my fear of being alone is soul-consuming.