Chapter Fifteen #2
“I left him once. I packed a bag and went to my parents’ house.
I was there for maybe an hour before he showed up.
They called him. They told him to come and get me as if I were a disobedient pet who’d run away.
It was humiliating. I even begged them to let me stay, but my father told me that I was lucky he would take me back after how I behaved.
And it was at that moment that I knew they were never going to support me.
So, I went back because what else was I going to do at that point? ”
The anguished look on her face at their betrayal breaks my heart in half, and the fury I’ve pushed down comes roaring back.
I ruthlessly push it down again, but I have to clench my jaw to hold it in.
How in God’s name could a father do that to his daughter?
It’s beyond my comprehension as a parent.
I’m not going to win Father of the Year, but I’ll always be on Lexi’s side.
I’ll always be her safe space, if she’ll let me.
I stroke my finger across her hand in comfort, but what I really want is to wrap my arms around her and hug her tight.
I want to hold her and tell her I’ll never let anyone hurt her again.
She looks so fragile, her eyes wide with pain and unshed tears.
Her suffering is breaking my heart because it’s rooted in the past, and I can’t fix that.
She keeps going, her voice softer and slightly hoarse.
“I was eighteen years old with only a high school education, and he was a powerful man with millions at his disposal. I didn’t have a job or a place to stay.
None of my friends were talking to me anymore.
I was all alone. So, I went back. My God, he was so angry that night.
I had no idea what I was up against. That… was the first time he hit me.”
She hunches her shoulders, caving in on herself as the tears roll down her cheeks.
I can feel the weight of this memory and see the sadness filling her.
It takes every ounce of willpower I have to avoid leaping across the table and pulling her onto my lap.
I hold her hand because that’s all I’m allowed to do right now, but it doesn’t feel like nearly enough.
After a few minutes, she takes another deep breath, wipes away her tears, and continues, her voice shaking with suppressed emotion.
“I was so shocked. No one had ever hit me in my life. That was the night I finally understood that I would never escape him. It was a devastating discovery. I probably would have drowned in a deep depression if I hadn’t found out I was pregnant two weeks later.
My daughter saved my sanity. I’m not sure what I would have done without the kids. ”
She looks up, and I can see she’s still full of emotion but trying to hold it together.
I can’t help myself as I reach out and caress her cheek with my thumb.
I want to wrap her up in my arms and never let her go, dry her tears, and make her smile again—that bright, beautiful smile that fills me with warmth.
But I can’t. I can’t because she’s my boss. But God, I wish she weren’t.
“Joslyn, I’m truly sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been for you.”
She gives me a half-hearted smile. “It’s okay. I’m much better now. I wasn’t for a long time, but the kids and I…we did a lot of therapy, and time does heal many wounds. I… I’m not sure that I’ll ever be completely healed, but I’m no longer broken, and I was very broken for a while.”
My fingers continue to stroke the back of her hand as if I can brush away the pain.
“I’m not going to lie; if Kurt Robertson were alive, I’d break his face. Well, more than his face. I wish I’d known all this when I was a rookie… Maybe I could have helped you. At the very least, I could have been a friend,” I say, my voice vibrating with regret.
My rage is simmering just below the surface.
I won’t let it out because it’s not the time or place for those feelings.
It needs to be about making her feel safe and supported.
I don’t want my anger to make her feel unsafe.
Later, however, I know I’ll be channeling all my fury into my heavy bag at home.
“You and I both know that never would have worked out. We were both powerless back then. So young. He never would have let me go.” Her voice trails off in a wistful sigh.
That last part is said so softly, and she won’t look me in the eyes again.
And I just know in my heart that her marriage was terrible, so terrible in fact that I’m not sure I want to know, because there’s no one to kill, and I can tell that I’m going to want to.
It’s all there in the bleak expression on her pale, tear-stained face.
I reach my hand out and cup her jaw again, rubbing my thumb across her cheek.
“Jos…”
“Here you go. Chicken Marsala and a side salad with bleu cheese for the lady and a wagyu burger with cheese, no tomato, for you, sir.”
Talk about awful timing. I reluctantly pull my hand back as our server delivers our food, and I notice Joslyn’s relief at the interruption.
She pulls back, too, and I miss the warmth of her skin against my palm.
I want to ask her more, but I stop myself because this isn’t the time for more of this conversation.
She’s reached her limit. Truthfully, if she tells me, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stop myself from holding her.
We eat silently for a few minutes, the atmosphere heavy with everything we said and didn’t say.
I decide to share one of my truths with her because I don’t want her to feel like this is one-sided.
I need her to know how honored I am that she let me in.
I want her to understand she’s not alone, not anymore, and I want to give her an equally intimate look into my life.
“I’ve been sober for ten years and three months,” I state matter-of-factly, allowing her to see the vulnerability in my eyes. She’s shown me hers, and I can’t help but reciprocate.
“I used to have a real problem with alcohol in my twenties. It took me a while to realize it, but I ruined my marriage because of it. My relationship with my daughter also suffered. That’s one of the reasons I was so eager to take this job.
My relationship with Lexi needed some serious work, so being closer was a win.
I was a pretty terrible father for a while, and I’m trying to make up for that now. ”
Her face is full of compassion and empathy. My heart leaps when I see there’s not an ounce of judgment in her beautiful eyes. My God, this woman is so full of kindness. How could anyone not appreciate it?
“I was fortunate to have a great mentor in Boston who helped me realize how much the drinking was affecting my life… my game. He hit me with some harsh truths, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be where I am today without him.
I was a miserable human being for quite a while, but getting sober was the best thing I ever did for myself.
” I pause to take a sip of my drink before continuing.
“The thing is, Jos, we can’t go back and change the past, but we do need to forgive our younger selves.
We did the best we could at the time, even if we made mistakes.
You were a young girl without any allies, just trying to survive.
From what I see, you’ve become a smart, amazing businesswoman who is kicking ass as the owner of a professional hockey team. How is that not completely badass?”
I reach out and tilt her chin so she looks right at me. I want her to hear this. To see in my eyes how much I admire her. To see herself through my eyes. Her smile lights up my whole heart.
“I am totally amazing.” She shoots me a sly grin.
“There’s my badass boss.” Is she blushing? She’s so fucking cute.
We finish eating, letting small talk fill the space between us because we both need a break from the intensity.
It’s much later when we head back to the arena to grab our belongings before heading home.
I walk her to her car, making sure she’s safe before I head to mine.
It isn’t enough, but it’s all I have for tonight.
Driving home, I can’t stop thinking about how it would feel if she were mine. Mine to hold. Mine to kiss. Just mine.