Chapter Thirty-Eight #2
“Yeah, I was upset at first, and a bit hurt. It took me a while to realize it wasn’t about me.
You’ve been minimizing yourself for so long, baby.
Trying not to be seen, not to make waves, and to take it upon yourself to fix everyone else’s problems. I should have seen that it would have been more out of character for you to reach out for help, especially in a situation like that. ”
Well, that’s disturbingly spot on. I have minimized myself, and I have all my life.
I get it, there was a time in my life when I had to do that to protect myself, but I don’t need to do that anymore, and that realization really hits me.
There’s something about him saying it out loud that makes it more real, and it gives me a sense of freedom knowing I don’t have to be that way with him. I feel seen, and it’s liberating.
“The thing is, baby, you don’t have to do that anymore.
Not with me. We’re in this together, and I want you to bring all of you, because I can take it.
You don’t need to hide yourself or to protect yourself from me.
” The sincerity and raw emotion in his voice make my heart swell with joy, because I can feel how much he cares.
It feels so damn wonderful. I can’t help the enormous smile that takes over my whole face, like my happiness needs a physical outlet.
“So, we’re doing this? This relationship thing?” I ask, voice cracking slightly on the word relationship.
“Oh yeah. We’re doing this.” His grin widens as his eyes brighten. He pulls my chair closer and leans forward to take my other hand, holding them both gently as he looks into my eyes. It feels like he can see right through me. “There is something I need to tell you first, though.”
“Oh yeah?”
“Oh, Yeah. I need you to know that I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, Jos, from the very beginning.
It’s always been you. Since the first time I saw you, baby.
It’s always been you.” My eyes tear up at the intensity of his love, shining bright in those beautiful blue eyes.
“And I’m all in. You’re it for me.” He squeezes my hands and continues, “I love you, Jos, but I know you aren’t ready, and that’s okay…
because I know we’ll get there, you and me.
We’ve always been each other’s forever. It just took us a minute to get there. ”
My eyes well up as a swell of emotions overwhelms me.
This man. How the hell did I get so lucky?
He’s offering me everything I’ve ever wanted, things that I never thought I’d get.
And he’s willing to go at my pace. For once, I don’t hesitate.
I don’t overthink it or make excuses to dodge my feelings.
I lay it all on the line, even though I’m terrified to the depths of my soul. I do it anyway.
“I’m scared,” I admit quietly.
“I know. Tell me what scares you the most?” he asks, voice soft and soothing.
“I’m not sure it’s a tangible thing. I’m afraid of getting hurt, and not just by you specifically, but by being seen, by being visible in the world.
If we’re in a relationship, then it will all come out.
In the press and to the world, I’ll have to stand there and let people see me, and it’s terrifying.
I’m not naive enough to think there won’t be judgment and criticism, and that part is scary too, but more so, if we do this, then I can’t hide anymore. ”
He listens to me unmask myself for him, letting him see all the vulnerable parts.
His face is full of support and love. Suddenly, being out there with him feels a whole lot less scary than it did five minutes ago.
I’m trying to work through all of it in my mind because voicing all these thoughts is not something I usually do.
“It’s funny, it sounds much less frightening when I say it out loud and not in my head.
I guess what it boils down to is that I’m scared of all this.
A relationship, my new career with the team, and living my life out loud.
That’s all scary, but I’m not scared of you.
I know you’ll never hurt me. Not only because it’s not in your character, but because I won’t let anyone hurt me like that again.
It took getting to know you for me to see that I’m strong enough for that now.
So, I don’t want you to think that being scared means that I don’t want this.
Us. Because even though I’m afraid, I want this relationship and more, if that’s where this goes.
” I take a deep breath and blurt it out.
“I love you, Damon. Yeah, that’s scary as hell, but I don’t care. Because being with you is everything I never knew I wanted, and I won’t give that up because of a little fear.”
“Say it again, baby,” he breathes, his voice low and intense.
I look him in the eye and repeat myself, making a promise for our future.
“I love you, Damon Hawk. I love the way you support me. I love the way you hold me and make me feel safe. I love that look you get in your beautiful blue eyes when you see me first thing in the morning, like you just won the Stanley Cup. I love that you remember things I mention in passing weeks ago…”
I stand up and hold out my hand. He takes it, and, standing up, he wraps me in his arms, just the way I like. My voice is low and intense when I continue.
“I love how you always know when I need a hug. I love the way your lips feel when you kiss me.”
His brilliant smile is everything as his mouth covers mine. I melt into him, surrendering to this amazing thing between us. We kiss until we’re breathless and needy.
“Time to go, beautiful. I don’t think I can wait much longer to be inside of you,” he growls, and I’m so glad we already paid the tab, because I can’t wait to get him home.
We walk quickly to the entrance, where we giggle like teenagers while waiting for the valet to bring the car around.
I snuggle into his arms, letting my joy flow through my body like a wave.
Anticipation and love are lighting up my life like never before.
For the first time since I was eighteen years old, I let myself really feel that happiness down to my soul, and it’s fucking incredible.