Chapter 15
Charlie
I felt tortured in the best–and worst–ways after watching Teague pour concrete and do all the other super manly things that made him look like the biggest snack on Earth. Especially knowing I would have to do it again the next day.
My mind spun too much for comfort, so once I’d had my dinner, I called my brother without checking in with him first.
“What’s wrong?” Blue asked, immediately on high alert.
“Is this a good time?” I blurted out, remembering my manners.
“For you, always. Two seconds.” The sound became muffled, but I could tell he was asking Harper to make sure Marlie would brush her teeth. Then I heard his muted steps as he walked somewhere for privacy. “Okay, what’s up?”
Now that I had him, I wasn’t sure how to explain why I was calling. At my sigh, he let out one of his own, but his ended up in a chuckle.
“Are you having boy trouble, baby brother?”
I groaned. “Yes.”
His tone got serious momentarily when he asked, “Are these the good kind or the bad kind?”
“That’s the problem. I don’t really know, yet. Or I guess I know it’s the good kind, but I’m so fucking terrified of the bad kind—”
“Okay, take a breath, Charlie.” He waited until he heard me do what I was told. “This is about Teague, isn’t it?”
I squinted. Had I talked with him about Teague? Or had he just called Nic and she’d mentioned him? I wasn’t sure, but I frowned anyway.
“Yes. He’s such a great guy, but it’s like….” I let out a frustrated growl.
“You don’t know him well enough to trust him with the rest of you?”
“No. Yes. No. I don’t know.”
His chuckle sounded gentle. “Charlie, I love you, but you really need to listen to your instincts more.” Now I listened to him take in a deep breath and let it out as he gathered his thoughts. “You said he’s a great guy. Has anyone you’ve dated before, especially in the recent years, been that? From the start like this?”
We both knew the answer. Nobody had.
I whined. “But what if—”
“But what if not , Charlie? What if this is your guy? A forever guy? You’ll never know if you don’t give him a chance. If he wants one….”
“We poured the concrete for the back porch supports today. It was so nice. We talk about random stuff, but then I kind of freeze at some point. I run out of things to talk comfortably.”
“That’s because you’re hiding a bit.” He hummed thoughtfully. “Talk about the kids? They’re such a big part of your world and you have endless stories. If he’s going to be in your life, he better get used to them.”
I laughed through my nose. “Okay, I’ll keep that in mind.”
“I gotta go see if Tristan has fallen asleep yet. He should’ve, but….”
“I know.” I sighed. “I love you. Thanks for being there for me, Law.”
I could picture his smile when he murmured, “Love you too, baby brother. Try to be open, okay? He seems like a good guy. He might just be worth it.”
“Yeah. Bye.”
“Talk to you later.”
A handful of hours later, I was in agony. I knew working side by side with Teague would be hard. I just hadn’t realized it’d be hard like… literally. In my pants.
I groaned as I tossed and turned in my bed. I’d met attractive men before. Many of them. Hell, all my few boyfriends had been gorgeous. That’s what you get when you’re conventionally good looking yourself—whether I liked the latter or not.
But Teague? I’d never been as attracted to someone before. I couldn’t explain it. The more time I spent with him, the more I… I don’t even know. He clearly enjoyed my company, awkward as it could be on some days. Getting to know him better wasn’t easy for my peace of mind, and because he was such a nice, good guy, adding in his sex appeal was lethal.
He still brought me a cupcake every morning. I would never tell him how awkward that made me feel on some deep-down level. Not because there was anything wrong with the gesture, but because I wasn’t used to people getting me things just because.
Blue did it occasionally. The kids as well. But to have someone that in a perfect world would’ve made a great potential date do it was… a lot. Part of why I let it go when it was Teague was because I knew that he likely didn’t pay for those cupcakes. Because God forbid someone spend money on me.
I groaned and turned to the wall. I’d always had a low sex drive. Hell, I’d even had myself checked out for that about five years ago, just in case there was something more wrong with me. But there wasn’t anything physical, it was the mental block I had between myself and my body that made sex… difficult.
So, this thing that was happening right now, that happened every time I felt at ease after spending the day with Teague, was a lot for me. Feeling myself hard and throbbing was one thing, but it was just so fucking foreign to me to be this turned on at all.
I huffed and turned around again, this time tossing the blanket aside. It was late, but I knew I couldn’t sleep. Getting to my feet, I turned my brain off as much as I could. I took off my T-shirt and underwear, leaving them on the bed.
Then I walked into the bathroom and reached into the shower to turn it on. I didn’t need the lights to be on. Hell, most nights, I showered in the darkness anyway. It was so much easier that way, not having to see my body while naked.
Once the water had heated up, I stepped under the spray. I felt defeated, wrong, but I also needed to do this.
Hesitantly, I wrapped my fingers around my cock. Like riding a bike, probably. I snorted. Once upon a time this had been as easy and natural as breathing, but then, for whatever reason, the dysphoria got worse and worse, and now I couldn’t remember the last time I’d jerked off.
I stood there in the dark, leaning my forehead against the wall. The water fell onto my back, as I moved my hand up and down, then again, and again, and soon the awkwardness was gone and all I could see in the dark with my eyes closed was Teague.
The way his jeans molded around his perfect ass. His fond little grin he tried to hide every time he managed to coax a laugh out of me. The flashes of desire I could see in his gaze when he thought I didn’t notice. His capable hands and perfect, working man’s biceps. Nothing about him was fake, and everything about him called to me like nobody else ever had.
With a strangled cry, I came all over the tiles, the release feeling more like pain than pleasure. It was as if my body didn’t quite know what to do with all this. I realized I was crying when I grabbed the showerhead to rinse off the wall, hoping to get everything without turning the lights on.
I turned the water off and stepped out of the shower, blindly reaching for my towel. I dried myself, walked out of the bathroom, and reversed the steps I’d taken to get there.
By the time I was under the covers with my clothes back on, I felt unsettled in a different way. On some level my body felt better. It was my mind that still churned, rolling about as if to tell me I had no control over this, over anything.
Of course, the next day everything just kicked up a notch. I managed to hide my awkward “I masturbated sadly in the shower last night to thoughts of you” thing from him, and threw myself into chatting about the kids, mostly.
We talked so much, had such a good time, and I just… changed. With the heat of the day, things were getting annoying with my long sleeves, and some devil on my shoulder told me to get rid of the sleeves. So, while getting us drinks, I did.
I could feel his eyes on my skin, but this time, the attention didn’t feel bad.
Then, while we were still having our drink break and talking, he mentioned Arizona and my brain glitched.
I tried to hold it all back, hold my crazy away from his eyes, but it didn’t work. It never worked. I barely registered him getting off the tailgate and then returning with a red flannel shirt he handed over.
Confused, grateful, and utterly exposed, I pulled it on and sank into his scent that suddenly felt the most comforting thing, ever. I bit back the tears I felt welling up. I needed to be held by him, because surely his arms would be even better than the shirt?
Except, I couldn’t.
I swallowed hard at his tone when he said he was glad I was there. I knew what he meant. Not just the location, but a response to the other thing.
“Things got really bad for me when I was fifteen. My brother saved me from myself that day.” I cleared my throat, watching the pond, then Steve as he ambled over to sit by my hanging feet. “He did that again a few weeks ago. I stood there again, staring at our dad’s tools, thinking that maybe I was done.”
I shook my head and reached down to scratch Steve’s head.
I could feel Teague twitch a little, as if he wanted to touch me but didn’t know if he could.
“What I’m going to tell you… I don’t want you to tell me you understand, that you’d never….” I trailed off, feeling like words were so inadequate when it came to my faulty brain. “There are facts that won’t likely ever change. No amount of therapy I’ve had has changed much. So when I tell you this, please don’t downplay anything I say.”
I leaned back and noticed Teague’s hand, palm up between us. I knew what it was there for, so I took a deep breath and placed my hand on top of his, slotting our fingers together like pieces of a puzzle that made my heart terrified and oddly calm at the same time.
“I can’t be touched,” I said, then squeezed his fingers tightly to keep him quiet just in case he tried to talk. “It takes forever for me to be able to do anything sexual with a partner, no matter how much he wants me or I want him. None of the wanting is the issue. It’s my fucked-up brain and body connection.
“Nothing anyone does, nothing I achieve in a romantic relationship will change the fact that most of the time, what I want won’t happen. I have trouble seeing myself naked, it makes things like showering easier to do in total darkness, Teague,” I whispered, glancing at him.
All I could see in his eyes was sorrow. Maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised, but the pity I was used to seeing wasn’t there. Nor was the hint of derision I’d gotten from David ever since the beginning.
I turned away and sighed. “For every partner, I’ve tried. Sometimes it’s easier to be intimate, sometimes it’s impossible. It’s never just… easy.” I chuckled bitterly. “But most of the time, as long as I can have some clothes on, I can sleep in the same bed with my boyfriend, so I guess there’s that, eh?”
I’d pushed myself in so many ways through the years when it came to intimacy. I’d tried to have sex with lights on, off, dimmed halfway, whatever. I’d tried having some clothing on during, I’d tried being blindfolded, eyes closed, and wide open. I told these things to Teague in a quiet, resigned voice, never letting him interject, which he wasn’t trying to do anyway.
“Nothing ever works enough to make it easy, and nothing certainly ever works twice. It’s… it’s not a life I want for anyone, Teague.”
Teague was quiet for a long time, though he never let go of my hand, and after a while I got the courage to peek at him. There was still that sadness in his eyes but something else too. Determination maybe?
“Well, that’s gotta be annoying for you,” Teague said in such an offhand manner I wasn’t quite sure how to respond. Then he winced. “I mean, it sounds like you want to but you just can’t, right? So if you want to but you can’t, that’s gotta be annoying.”
“Uh, yeah,” I agreed.
Teague slid an inch or two closer, but we still weren’t touching anything more than our hands. “So first of all, thank you for sharing that with me. Maybe it’s wrong but it makes me stupidly happy that you feel like I’m safe enough to share all that with.” He shot me one of those charming grins of his. I squeezed his hand.
“Thing is Charlie, I like sex. I mean, I really like sex. I’m gonna be honest about that.” He took a breath and my heart dropped. Here it came, the dismissal, the disinterest, the changing his mind about pursuing me at all. But then he surprised me.
“But my hands work real well, and I’ve got toys, you know? I can get myself off any time I want. Sex isn’t the only thing I’m looking for with you. Mostly I just wanna hold you and talk to you. Get you to smile and laugh. Share life things. So, we can try, if and when you’re ready,” he stressed that part before giving me a smile and continuing, “and if you don’t get there, then I still want all the rest, even if we don’t get physical in that way. I love sleeping in bed next to someone and snuggling the shit out of them. It sounds like you’re good with that, eh?”
“Sometimes, yes.”
“Aces. Look, sex can be an important part of a relationship, but we can find workarounds that will keep us both happy. I still want to date you, Charlie. I want to get to know you better. If you’re good with that, then we can take things slow and easy, at your pace, and find what works for us. How’s that sound?”
“Good. Too good, really.” He was saying all the right things, things I hadn’t heard before from other men, but it seemed too good to be true. “How do I know you won’t change your mind when it gets to the bedroom and I can’t do things?”
“Who says it has to be just the bedroom?” He said with a wink. Then he turned serious. “You gotta give me a little trust. That’s all for now. Trust me a little now and let me show you that you can trust me completely. I’m not gonna let you down here, Charlie.”
I let my head drop forward. Steve peered up at me, as if telling me I was being an idiot human.
“Yeah, okay,” I mumbled, not sure to which of them. I looked at him, giving him a wavery smile. “Can we just… do this? Finish the porch? Maybe try to hang out? I’m not big on places with a lot of people for date kind of stuff.” Then, because I just had to blurt it out, I guess, I added, “The last outing with my most recent ex was going to a dinner at his business partner’s house. He failed to tell me there were mirrors everywhere, especially in the dining room.” I choked up a little, the memory bubbling up too strongly for my brain to block it. “And then he berated me for freaking out.”
I trembled, wanting nothing more than for Teague to hold me, but somehow, I couldn’t get the words out.