Chapter 13
This guy.
She wanted to tell him where he could shove his offer of friendship.
But she wouldn’t.
One, that would be rude.
And two, she really didn’t want to. She wanted his friendship desperately. Which kind of scared her. Wanting anything desperately wasn’t a smart idea.
Not when she could never have what she truly desired.
“All right,” she whispered. “We can be friends. But friends don’t dictate what other friends can and can’t do.”
“You sure about that?” he asked.
“Very sure. Friends are supportive and caring.”
He scoffed. “Not that sort of friend, Goldie.”
“Maybe just try to word things as a question once in a while.”
“I suppose I could try,” he said reluctantly.
“I’d appreciate that,” she said dryly.
“But I feel like a friend would still make demands if their friend is being stupid and doing something that puts them at risk.” He raised an eyebrow.
“Hmm. I’ll remember that if you do something I think is dangerous.”
To her surprise, he just grinned. “You do that, Goldie.”
“Do you call me Goldie because I was like Goldilocks as a kid?” she blurted out.
“What?”
“You know, coming into Lacey’s house, eating her food, and just making myself at home when I shouldn’t.”
That’s what she’d always thought when he’d first started calling her that as a child. But she’d never said anything because it helped make her feel like she was included.
“Fuck, baby, no. Is that what you’ve always thought?”
“Um, well . . .” she trailed off.
“No, it’s not original but it was because of your hair. By the end of summer it had gotten so light and golden. And, maybe a bit of it was where you lived. I thought you were rich and had everything you could desire. Fancy house, fancy clothes. I never realized what was really going on.”
She saw the regret in his face.
“It’s all right, no one really knew. Well, Lacey knew some of it but only because she guessed. One day, I was sitting outside at lunch when she came up to me. I always sat alone.”
“Were the other kids mean to you?”
“Oh no, they weren’t. Which is surprising when I barely spoke to anyone. Some kids can be cruel, but some can also be amazingly open and welcoming about people’s . . . eccentricities, let’s say. It wasn’t because of that. It was because . . . I never had any lunch.”
Shit.
This stuff shouldn’t be so hard to admit. It wasn’t her fault that she’d gone to school almost every day without food. She knew that. Her therapist had helped her separate feelings of guilt from what had been their fault.
Not hers.
But it didn’t make her feel less ashamed, unfortunately.
“What? Why?” he asked.
“Usually because the cupboards were empty and there was nothing to take. My father spent most of his time in his office or the lab in the city. So he ate there or kept snacks in his office. My mother spent most of her time in the city, only coming home on the weekends. But she only really ate at night and they’d eat out.
Sometimes, she’d bring home groceries, especially if my father was out of his protein bars and snacks. ”
“They didn’t fucking feed you?” he yelled without really mean to.
She jumped but nodded.
He stood and moved so he could pace up and down the living room floor. “What did you do?”
“Well, Lacey noticed I didn’t have anything so she started to bring extra for me for lunch.
And the school always had snacks to give kids who had nothing.
They once rang my mother because I was always in the office, asking for food.
God, she was so mad that she shook me. She shoved me and I hit the wall. ”
“She fucking what?”
“Yeah,” she whispered. “She went through a stage where she’d hurt me to see if that made me better, smarter, if it made me want to do better. But that experiment failed so she stopped.”
Mostly.
The piano lessons continued for quite a while.
“Fucking hell. How did I never see physical abuse on you?”
“Oh, she rarely left bruises.”
Well, except for her knuckles. But she’d made excuses for them or worn gloves when she could.
“After that, there was food for a while. But I knew better than to ask the school for food again. So I started hoarding it. I’d sneak into my father’s office and take things.
Or when Lacey gave me food, I’d just eat half and save the rest for the weekends.
I . . . this is terrible, I don’t want to tell you this part. ”
He froze, then he turned to her. “Hey, look at me.”
She kept her gaze on her feet, shaking her head. Bad idea since her head immediately started throbbing. Ouch.
“Are you all right?” he asked.
“Just a sore head.”
“Have you taken some painkillers? Have you been seen by a doctor?”
“Yes and no. I think I need some more. I just need my handbag.”
Where had that gone?
He picked it up off the floor where she must have dropped it and handed it to her.
“I’ll get you some water.” He walked into the kitchenette. She’d rented a one-bedroom apartment. It was small, but she didn’t need much. Rentals in this area were expensive and it seemed a waste of money to get something with more floor space just for her.
He handed her the glass of water, sitting back on the coffee table as she swallowed the pills. He checked his watch.
“Is there somewhere you need to be?” she asked.
She wasn’t sure if she was eager to get rid of him or disappointed that he had to go.
“No, just taking note of what time you had those.”
Umm.
“Why?” she asked.
“So I know when you’ll need some more. You don’t want to overdose on painkillers.”
Did he think he was still going to be here when she had to take more? Before she could answer, he was talking again.
“I want you to listen to me,” he said. “What happened to you as a child was terrible. Your parents were neglectful and abusive. But none of it is your fault. Understand? You have nothing to feel ashamed of.”
“I know. But I can’t help but feel that way.”
“Whatever you had to do to survive, was something you had to do. Okay? I’m definitely not going to judge you.”
She swallowed heavily, nodding. “I, well, it’s terrible but sometimes I stole food.”
“Don’t blame you at all,” he said immediately. “And I’m sure that whoever you stole it from wouldn’t care.”
She glanced away. “What if I stole it from Lacey’s house?”
“Baby, you think Lacey would care? She was giving you food at school. She’s one of the most generous people I know. She was probably leaving food out deliberately for you.”
Surprise filled her and she did remember several times where food had been on the counter, making it easier for her to stuff it into her pockets. “You think so?”
“Yeah, she was likely doing whatever she could to make sure you had food to eat.”
“I thought Tyler caught me once. I was sneaking food into a bag I’d brought with me and he walked into the kitchen. I ran off, certain he’d tell your uncle or Lacey or you, but no one ever said anything to me.”
“Maybe he didn’t see you.”
She nodded.
“You came to her place a lot,” she said to him. “I liked that. Better than when she was at your place and I didn’t see any of you as much.”
“We liked to stay over whenever we could because our uncle could be a neglectful piece of shit.”
“Yeah.” She hated that Lacey had been treated so badly by her father. Made to feel less than her dead brother. Lacey deserved so much better. “I didn’t move to Albany until after Brax’s death, but Lacey told me that he blamed her for it.” Asshole.
“Yeah, he’s a fucking winner.”
“I think you did a far better job of walking her down the aisle than he could ever have done,” she told him.
“Yeah?”
Was it her imagination or was he blushing slightly?
“Yes. I think he would have made her miserable on what’s meant to be the best day of her life and you helped her to feel safe and happy. To glow.”
“Thanks, Goldie.” He reached forward and grasped hold of her hands. “I’m so fucking sorry your parents treated you that way. And that I never knew.”
“No reason you would know. I knew better than to say anything. If I ever drew attention to our family, bad attention, my mother would get so mad. So I learned to hide what was going on. My mother was a very smart, cold and calculating woman. She would have known what to say to anyone who called her with concerns. But she would be fuming on the inside, and she’d turn that on me. ”
“Fucking bitch.”
“Yes.”
“Goldie, is she the reason you’ve got a huge lump and bruise on your forehead and your arm is hurting?”