Chapter 34
Odette
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Murphy was avoiding me.
Staying in his mother’s house during my recovery brought me an insight I’d never had before into his life over the last three years.
He’d quit his job, he didn’t have any friends—at least none he talked to or spent any time with.
He spent his entire existence doing things for our daughter or his family, or in his workshop.
In the time I’d been here, he’d successfully cooked me all of my meals, shooing his mother out of her kitchen.
He had pestered me about my medication times, built some gardening contraption for his backyard that I had overheard him and his dad talking about—something to do with canning the vegetables and growing fresh produce because he read an article on the best way to feed your family. Read an article.
My mind was spinning with all these changes, and I was aching to get to know more about Murphy, more about the man he had grown into.
My entire being was dying to ask him all these questions about his life, about him, but like I said, I was pretty sure he was avoiding me.
Since he handed me the book he was making and gave me a glimpse into his remorse, he’d shot off the sofa to get Lux ready for bed, and since then while he was around, he made very sure we weren’t alone together.
It was driving me mad. For someone I spent so long avoiding, I kept feeling like his presence was slipping through my fingers.
Thankfully, today I had a follow-up doctor's appointment, and I knew there was no way Murphy wouldn’t be taking me. He made it very clear yesterday at lunch when Wynn popped over that he would be going.
“I can drive you tomorrow, no problem. If you get the all-clear, does that mean you’ll be going back to the cottage?
” Wynn asked while shoveling in some of the left-over lunch Murphy had made me, even though I explained to him and his mom that I was still stuffed from the full-fledged breakfast spread they had prepared.
“Oh, uh...I guess I haven’t really thought much about it.” I couldn’t help but frown at the idea of going home when I still haven’t been able to have a decent conversation with Murphy, and his standoffish behavior since his last therapy session was grating on my nerves.
“I’m coming as well.” Murphy's voice sounded from behind me, and I had to tell myself not to jump at being startled. I had to contain my smile because I knew that, although he was keeping his distance, he clearly wasn’t letting me that far out of his sight.
“I got it, big guy; you don’t need to if you have work you need to catch up on.” Wynn smiled cheekily at him.
“I don’t.” The tone in his voice left no room for debate.
The look he gave me would have most women melting into a pile of goo, and believe me, I was close to it. But the look he focused on Wynn could cut glass at her suggestion, and I smiled big when she laughed at him.
“Okay, Murphy, you can come.” She popped a piece of fruit into her mouth, not bothering to look up in his direction.
Speak of the devil.
“Hey you,” I said as I saw him enter the living room. I saw the upturn of his lips in a small smile as he looked me over, the semi-serious look on his face morphing into something softer as he took me in.
“Hey, you ready?”
“Absolutely. Wynn said she’d meet us there… Could you maybe help me up?” I felt a little guilty asking him. Even though I knew I could do it on my own, I had been craving not only his presence, but also his touch.
Without a moment’s hesitation, he stalked over to me and his hands felt light as a feather as he wrapped them around me and pulled me up into his chest, almost like a hug. I heard him inhale deeply.
“Are you smelling me, Murphy?”
“Shit, sorry… I’m sorry.” He pulled from the embrace so quickly, I shivered at the loss of touch. I wanted to grab his hands and place them around me again.
“Don’t be sorry,” I whispered, considering he was still close to me. His head snapped in my direction instead of looking at the floor, his gaze was smoldering, and I found myself stepping into him again, hoping he would wrap me back up.
My phone’s alarm rang out from the sofa and snapped us both out of it briefly, but his eyes never left mine and, in his gaze, I felt the whisper of him all over my skin.
“We should head out or we are going to be late.”
Fuck the appointment, I almost said but knew Murphy wouldn’t even consider entertaining that idea.
He held his hand out to me, and I took that as my sign that it was time to go. The moment had dissipated before my eyes, but I was determined to get the answers I was seeking, come hell or high water.
He wrapped an arm around me in a featherlight touch so as to not hurt me and helped me to his truck. Once he got there, I could see the wheels turning. He kept looking at his lifted truck, then to me, and then back to the truck, his annoyance clear on his face.
“What’s wrong, Murphy?”
“The truck...it’s too high. How did I not notice this? Mom took her car to the store…”
“It’s not that bad, I can easily step up…”
“Absolutely not. What if you step wrong? What if you fall back? No, just give me a minute.”
I couldn’t help but be amused at his inner turmoil. It seemed like he was two shakes away from burning the car down with his eyes.
“Can…can I lift you? You’ll have to let me carry you up…otherwise, I can grab my dad.”
Another thing I noticed about Murphy was that he never touched me without me giving him explicit instruction to do so, and while every single part of me appreciated that, it was also enough to drive me completely insane.
“Murphy…”
“If that’s not okay, then fuck, I don’t know. Let me call my mom, or a taxi. I think there’s some app called Uber that’s useful…” He was stuck in his own thoughts right now, and I was beyond amused.
“Murphy…”
He swung his head until his gaze met mine, and he relaxed once he saw I was not at all stressed about the situation.
“I’m perfectly okay with whatever you need to do to get me into the car by yourself.
” I put enough emphasis on the word yourself, so he knew he didn’t need to find his dad or call his mom.
I was met with a devastating smile that made me weak.
At that moment, I realized Murphy hardly smiled—those were reserved for Lux and me .
“I’m just going to loop my arm around you, and if you could grab onto my neck, I can lift you to place you in the passenger’s seat.”
“Bridal style, you mean?”
“Oh... Uh, I mean…sure, yeah, yes, bridal style.”
He was blushing three ways till Sunday, and I couldn’t help but grin at him in his obvious state.
“Murphy, please.” I reached for him, and in no time, he had me cradled against his chest. For a few moments, neither of us dared move or say anything.
I couldn’t help but nestle into him and breathe a sigh of relief.
I felt comfort, and it should have shocked me, but it felt like part of me was being stitched back together, molded from the broken pieces.
It was different, but I was learning that different didn’t mean it was wrong.
He moved to place me into the seat far too quickly for my liking, and I found myself pouting in the front seat. He made his way to the driver’s side and got in, then reached over to buckle up my seatbelt as I forgot in my moment of irritation.
“You stick your lip out any farther and a bird will poop on it, Odette.”
“You might be able to fool Lux with that, but not me. I’m an adult.”
“Sure, you are, my love...sure you are.”
My love.
I felt his body freeze at the endearment. His eyes held an apology for what he said, although none was needed. There was a time his words would have felt like poison running through my veins, but now I felt like it was what I needed.
“I’m sorry, Odette. I forget when I’m around you.” The pain and torment in his words were like a shot to the heart, and I found myself thankful we had a twenty-minute drive to my check-up. There was no way he could avoid me now.
“You forget?” I whispered.
“I forget to keep my distance, and I’m doing my best, but you consume me,” he croaked out, his eyes steadfast on the road, his body vibrating with tension.
I reached out and squeezed his thigh. “You can’t live in your pain forever, Murphy.”
“Yes, I can.”
“Murphy.”
“It’s what I deserve, Odette. I don’t deserve anything good in this life.
My goal is to make Lux happy, and you happy by extension, and by whatever means necessary.
I don’t deserve the soft smiles, and I don’t deserve the calmness your presence brings me.
You deserve better than me, and I’m doing everything in my power to give that to you. Please, let me.”
His brokenness called to my own,
“Do I get a say in what I want? Or what I deserve?” I asked him softly. He reminded me of a wounded animal, and one wrong move would spook him.
“Of course you do. If I can give it to you, you can have it. If I can’t, then I’ll find a way to make it so.”
“And what if what I want is you?” I said, even softer this time.
He whipped his head to me, and the car found its way over to the shoulder of the road. His hands gripped the wheel so firmly that I saw how white his knuckles were, and he moved his eyes to his lap.
“You can’t mean that, Odette. You…you deserve more; you deserve better. Please.” His head was down, and I saw the tears forming.
“Why can’t I?”
“Because! You. Deserve. Better,” he ground out.
“Murphy, please look at me.”
His eyes met mine and I saw such pain, such anguish, and so much love that if I were standing, it would have brought me to my knees.
It’s what I’d seen the day of the accident; it’s what I saw every time I’d seen Murphy over the years.
It’s why I kept my distance at first. I turned to face him and had his head in my hands as the tears flowed freely from his eyes.
I gently wiped his tears with my thumbs.
“I’ve loved you since I was a teenager, and I’d be fooling myself if I told you I stopped.
You broke me, my trust, and I thought I hated you, but I hated what you did.
I hated that you could tear our lives apart, and I still have some answers I need before we can fully move forward.
But I've felt half alive for a few years now, Murphy, and looking at you, I know you feel the same. You might have been the one to break me, but you’re the one who can piece me back together, and I deserve that.
I deserve to be whole. And I can’t be whole. ..not without you.”
I saw the way my words undid the man beside me, I saw the turmoil in his eyes, wanting me but thinking I deserved more.
I saw the man not loving himself, but giving all his love to me, even if I didn’t want it.
His tears fell at an alarming rate, and I knew I would be missing my doctor appointment, but I couldn’t find it in me to care.
I unbuckled my seatbelt while Murphy was too lost in his grief to protest and slid over to situate myself in his lap.
His full body sobs while he hung on to me for dear life had me crying as well, and I knew part of this had to do with his unresolved feelings of the accident.
I felt his sorrow in every tear, his apology, and in a weird way, they were healing my soul.
Healing us.
I snuggled into his chest and his grip tightened. “I want you to have better than me, Odette. I want that for you.”
“But I want you, Murphy. Do...do you not want me anymore?”
I guess I’d never thought of that. Maybe he doesn’t want me. I felt my body tense with that realization, and I was about to move back into my seat and off his lap.
“Every part of my soul needs you, Odette...every part of it.”
“Yet you’re willing to let me go? If that’s what I wanted? What I needed?”
I already knew the answer—he had let me go; he was just loving me from afar, helping me in ways I couldn’t even comprehend but was beginning to.
“Yes.”
“Take me home, Murphy, please .”