10. Felicity
felicity
Unwrapping the bundle, I knew what I was about to find before I even saw it. The flowers from junior prom.
I bite my lip as I carefully look over each flower, dried from where I hung them back when I was seventeen. How was it that thirteen-year-old flowers were making me so damn emotional?
I remember every detail from that day Jax asked me to prom. What’s more, I remember the night. I remember wanting Jax so badly I couldn’t hold out anymore. Even though he wanted to make it special, I had dragged him into my mom’s classroom with no shame, and we shared our first time together there.
From then on, we’d grown infinitely more serious about each other. We’d already told each other we loved one another before that, but something about becoming intimate and sharing our dreams for the future had solidified everything for us.
Until I was eighteen, and I had ruined it all by selfishly chasing my own dreams, by leaving Jax behind, and ended us.
I didn’t want to break up with Jax. But I saw a boy who was willing to put everything on hold for me, to not chase his own dreams when he vowed to follow me to LA and basically work so I could live my dream life. So he could support me the entire time and not have dreams of his own.
And I couldn’t ask him to do that. I couldn’t have him set aside his life for mine. It wasn’t fair.
I don’t regret my time in Hollywood making a name for myself, but I do regret not taking better care of Jax’s heart, or my own, in the process.
I look at the things littered around me as I combed through each trinket from my childhood. My parents were keepers and set up several boxes of things for me to have when I was an adult.
Now that I am getting a house of my own together, I am planning on taking all of this with me.
I smile as I pull out a frilly little church dress, one that fit me when I was just an infant, and I dream of the day when I get to dress my own little one in fancy baby clothes for church.
I pause and look to the wall. The clock says church in town starts in an hour. My parents are already getting themselves ready, and despite the fact that I know it may cause some chaos, I am ready to get back out into the community, whether they are ready for me or not.
Church, for me, was about an experience shared with friends and family. There were people more into it, who boasted about religion, and that was great for them, even when I didn’t always believe everything that was spouted.
But going to church in a small town was just as much about the social aspect as it was about the religion surrounding it.
Mom holds firmly to my hand, like I am nine months pregnant instead of just four. We are keeping the news under wraps as long as we can, at least until I am completely settled.
I’m wearing a dress that hugs me under my boobs and flowed out nicely, concealing the tiny bump that I am sporting. If anyone really notices, it can easily be waved off as bloating or overeating, but this is a town that speculates, not outright asks the question.
Dad follows us in, and like it is assigned seating—which it is not—they lead me to the same pew we’d been sitting in since I was young.
The pew that is right in front of the Cash family.
Right in front of him.
I keep my gaze to myself, refusing to even think of the way his tongue swiped at the frosting leftover from the bear claw I gave him the last time I saw him.
Since then, I’ve stayed away from the house unless Graham needed my opinion. Or I’ve driven past and made sure the old truck Jax drove wasn’t near it before I went in.
Last week, I took my parents through it, and we talked about all sorts of plans, with Dad talking over with Graham what he wanted to help with. It’s not like I don’t want my father’s help, but I want to be sure that I can do this on my own without needing it.
But I sure feel like I needed my parents when I think about having a baby.
I am worried and stressed about Zack not answering my calls and am about five seconds away from calling my manager and making her handle it all.
But I don’t want to do that. I don’t want him involved in the baby’s life at all.
I just don’t know if I am going to get the choice.
I feel the heat of his gaze on the back of my head the entire time I sit here, listening to the pastor drone on and on about some specific story in the Bible.
There is no way he is being discreet about his staring, and I wonder briefly why he is staring at all. The last time I saw him, he couldn’t get away from me fast enough.
Though, to be fair, I was on my way to avoid him as well.
It is just too hard to be around him. I feel solely responsible for the havoc I caused when we were eighteen by leaving. I left him heartbroken.
Maybe he doesn’t know that in the process, I broke my own heart as well.
Church ends and we head to the front doors, greeting our pastor on our way out. He welcomes me back to the community and says nothing more on the matter, making him my favorite person since I came home.
Considering my career was not exactly free of sin, it is an interesting plot twist that the pastor is my favorite.
Mom and Dad chat with friends, and I bristle when I hear an invitation from Cal Trevors, one of my dad’s old pals, inviting us all to the ranch for lunch.
I know what will happen if I go. Jax will be there.
“Felicity!” I turn my head, smiling broadly at Dani and accepting her hug.
“Hey girl,” I say, pulling away and looking at her glowing form. “You look amazing.”
“Thanks!” Dani says brightly, rounding her hands over her much larger than my bump.
She was a couple of months ahead of me, and I wondered if I was going to look like that when I was there.
Not only a lot larger, but have that particular happy glow that she has.
“This little one is making life a little harder these days.”
I frown in concern. “Is everything okay?” Dani was one of my best friends in high school, and when I left, we only would talk here and there. I’d send her tickets whenever I was anywhere near home on tour, but still, I was a shit friend.
But being the amazing human she is, she never even said a word about it and welcomed me home like I was family.
I almost was once.
“No, everything is fine,” she says, leaning closer to me and lowering her voice. “Other than CT being a little paranoid and not letting me work normally, it’s all good.”
I smile, avoiding that prick in my chest that tells me I am alone, and she has an amazing partner. That’s your own fault, Felicity. “He loves you.”
She grumbles but has a smile on her face. “Yeah, yeah.” She grasps my forearm, and I instinctively move it toward her, keeping her away from feeling any bump under my dress. “Please, please come to lunch at the ranch! I want to catch up and have some normalcy. Plus, you need to meet everyone.”
“I thought I did at the bar,” I say, referring to the first time I saw her again.
“Psh, that was like a quarter of our newest additions.” Dani laughs and brushes her long blonde hair off her shoulders. “You haven’t even met Graham’s wife and my niece and nephew.”
I smile at her and look to my parents, who are agreeing to lunch. “I guess we’re in.”
Dani squeals in excitement, and I remember how much energy the girl has. She kept me on my toes, and there was a song or two from my early career days dedicated to our crazy adventures when we were kids.
I smile faintly and shake my head.
It’s almost like I never left.