13. Jax
jax
Our conversation won’t stop running through my brain, and I have a hard time wanting it to stop, anyway.
I was an asshole.
I hang my head, my beer sitting in front of me at the table I occupy alone, ignoring the dart game that is going on in front of me.
She is staying.
Moving home.
She would be here for the rest of…Well, a while anyway.
“What’s got you in a mood?” Dani asks, sitting in the chair next to me, her little baby bump now turning into a well-pronounced thing.
“Nothing,” I say, not wanting to get into the Felicity drama with Dani. Probably because I know the side my cousin would take, and it’s not mine.
“Come on.” She nudges my shoulder and peers at me. “Something’s wrong.”
Was something wrong? Yeah. The way I spoke to Felicity was pretty fucking harsh. I regretted my words the minute they left me, knowing that I allowed my fear of her, of being in her orbit again, overrule my manners and, well, any basic functioning of my brain.
I can’t help it. The thought of her leaving sucked, and the thought of her staying terrified me. I was a mess.
“Felicity bought a house and is staying here.”
Dani blinks at me and bites her lip.
“You knew.” I accuse, looking at my cousin in horror. “You knew, and you didn’t tell me?”
CT comes over at my raised voice, his new dad radar on high alert now that his wife is carrying his baby. He doesn’t say anything. He just places his hands on her shoulders and looks at me.
“I didn’t know it was a secret,” she says, her voice small, probably realizing how much this is affecting me.
“It’s not. I knew too,” CT says, taking his beer off the table. “Graham’s doing her house.” He frowns then. “I thought you were helping with that house.”
I definitely am now. Now that I know who it is for, it is personal. I found myself more and more interested in the specifics of what was getting done to the point that Graham was annoyed with all of my questions I had today after Felicity left.
After I essentially kicked her out of her own house.
“I am helping. I didn’t know who it was for, though,” I admit, feeling that churning in my gut grow more and more intense.
“So what’s the issue?” Dani asks, looking at me. “Haven’t you always wanted to be with her? Now could be your chance.”
“She left me, Dani,” I remind her. “Not the other way around. I didn’t leave her here to go chase my dreams. She did.”
“Aren’t you proud of what she accomplished, though? Maybe having that time apart was great for you two. You both became successful.”
I sit back in my chair, listening to her words, but not. I have thought of that so many fucking times in the last twelve years. How she left, but we both found ourselves coming out the other side successful.
Successful, but alone.
There were also times during those years that I wish I could have made different choices, and I feel I would have if she had been in my life.
I would have done anything to get the last years back, to have her by my side and vice versa, to have more than just a warm body here and there, to have the love of my fucking life there to cheer me on.
I missed Felicity with a fierceness that scared me.
She is the love of my fucking life. I want nothing more than to track her down and show her exactly what she means to me.
But I can’t do that. Because she still might leave.
Commotion comes from the other end of the bar where the stage sits, and we all stand, making our way to see what is happening.
There is cheering and screaming and whistling down there.
I see Juniper setting up her guitar and smile.
She is becoming a local favorite, and her music is getting more and more popular online and here.
I can see her making her way to something big someday if she keeps it up.
I spot my brother, Mitch, standing off to the side. Instead of his normal blank face, he’s scowling at anyone who comes too close as he grabs someone’s hand and helps them up on the stage.
My heart squeezes in my chest as I see Felicity get up on that stage. She’s got her hair flowing down around her, and a glow radiates from her. Her long skirt pools down over her cowboy boots, and she smiles at Juniper.
Hell, is she going to sing? I don’t know if I can take it.
“Aw, I haven’t seen her perform since Denver last year,” Dani says, holding her hands over her chest.
“Denver? Last year?” I turn to my cousin and scowl at her. She drops her smile for a second, looking at me with worried eyes. “You saw her last year?”
“I—Well, she called. She got us tickets.” She points to CT, and he looks at me with a bored expression.
“I didn’t know you guys still talked.”
“Of course.” She frowns. “I mean, we kind of lost our best friend status there for a while, both living our lives, but she didn’t just leave me in the dust.”
“Oh yeah? What’s that like?” I bite out, and CT glares at me.
“Watch it,” he warns.
I sigh and shake my head.
“If you recall, you stopped being her friend on social media when she left, and you were the one who changed your number,” Dani says, waving a stern finger in my face.
She isn’t exactly the type to let her man fight her battles, and frankly, I am more scared of my cousin than her husband.
“You didn’t give her a chance to keep in touch. ”
“Like she would,” I reply sarcastically, seeing Juniper start playing a tune we’ve all heard before while Felicity claps her hands to the beat, looking so at ease up on that stage that it makes my chest hurt.
“She would have,” Dani says, pulling my attention back to her.
“She wanted to talk to you so freaking bad, Jax. She asked about you constantly, followed your career, and wanted to know how you were. I remember right after you left, when she came back, she was devastated that you were gone.” She shakes her head as I stare at her in horrified shock.
“She regretted her choice and wanted to make amends. But you were already gone, and no one knew where at the time.”
“She came back?” My voice cracks on the last word. My heart hammers in my chest at the thought of her showing up here and my not being here, not being reachable.
I did that on purpose after she left. I couldn’t talk to or see anyone I knew. I had to leave it all behind and start fresh. It was the only way I could cope.
“Yeah, for a couple of months.” Dani shrugs, not realizing—or maybe she did—how she was breaking my insides to pieces with her words.
I hear Felicity start singing, and my heart pounds in my chest, my gaze moving back to hers, and I watch as the whole fucking bar falls in love with the only girl who’s ever owned my heart.
“Why—” I break off, unsure what the question was that I need answered. Because I had about ten dozen questions right now.
“I don’t have any good answers for you, Jax,” Dani says, putting her hand on my arm. “All I’m saying is, if this is a second chance for you both, don’t blow it.” She looks me in the eye and waits until I nod my head.
Not confirming to her what she wants, just acknowledging what she said.
Because before I can do anything else, I need to have a conversation with Felicity.