46. Felicity
felicity
Coming home felt like I was breathing my first breath of fresh air in months.
I didn’t realize how suffocating the hospital had felt until I’m sitting in my own space, breathing deeply, my son sleeping down the hallway, Jax in the shower—after I swore I would be okay—and a cup of coffee on my table in front of me.
Getting out of the hospital took some time since the doctors wanted to make sure I was okay and not going to get an infection from the surgeries I had to endure, but I pushed and pushed until they finally let me escape.
Someone lightly knocks on my front door, and I stand slowly, making my way to the front. Checking the peephole, I sigh in relief at the sight of Didi Cash standing there.
I smile as I open the door and welcome her in. Her hands are full with a casserole dish. “Hi, Didi. I didn’t know you were swinging by.”
I follow her into the kitchen and watch her confidently put the dish in the fridge. She must have been the one to clean up my space while I was out. She seems to know where everything is. Instead of this bothering me, I find my heart squeezing with affection.
Everyone pitched in while I was out, taking turns helping Jax with Lawson while I couldn’t do more than hold and nurse him. Though, I was more than a little thankful that I was able to do even that.
“I just thought I’d pop in,” Didi says, and looks around the space, almost like she’s nervous to make eye contact with me.
“Well, how about a cup of coffee?” I ask, already reaching for a mug, which she takes gently from my hand. “Jax is in the shower, and Law is down for his nap.”
“Good. I actually came to speak to you.” She pours her cup of coffee and follows me to the table, asking if I need more before settling down.
I wince slightly as I settle, feeling that same pull my stitches give me every time I get up or down. “Well, that’s nice. Everything okay?”
Didi sighs and shakes her head. “Honestly, I have been waiting to talk to you without an audience.”
Trepidation slithers through me, and I brace myself for whatever is about to come.
“I wanted to thank you,” Didi says, her eyes turned to the side. Pain and fear both reside there, and I lean forward, settling my hand on top of hers in comfort. “I don’t like what you did, Felicity. I was so mad at you for getting in front of me.”
“I’m sorry—” I start, not really expecting this.
“Don’t you dare apologize.” Didi shakes her head, her perfectly done curls gliding around her shoulders. “I’m mad at you, but I’m also so grateful. I don’t have the words to properly express it.”
“Oh.” I smile softly at her. “Well, I just didn’t want your boys to ever have to go without, and I care about you, Didi. You’re important to our family, and I couldn’t imagine having to go through everything we did without you here.”
“You are important too, Felicity. You have a little boy down that hallway you need to think of.” She points down the way, and I let out a breath. I know her reaction comes from emotion: fear, terror, concern. “Just promise me you’ll never do that again.”
I nod my head, understanding what she’s saying. “Well, I don’t think we’ll ever be put in that situation, but if we are, I swear I will be more careful.”
Didi eyes me, looking for whatever veil I covered myself with, my lie within the truth. “I guess that’s all I can ask for.”
“We love you, Didi. I also need to thank you. I don’t know what we would have done without our family these past few days. It’s been a whirlwind. I’m more than ready for it to die down.”
Didi clinks her mug to mine, and finally, some happy life enters her eyes again. “Amen to that.” She snaps her fingers. “Oh, I’m supposed to ask you if you ever need help with Lawson. Lue is champing at the bit to get some babysitting time.”
My eyes twinkle in amusement thinking of Jax’s niece, and an idea sparks to life. “Actually, that’s not a bad idea.”
“Ooh, look here, Law. See this pretty pink one?” I point out the flower to my boy, his little animated face smiling at me from where I hold him in my arms. He’s getting so big, so fast, and while I highly doubt he has any idea what I’m talking about, I’ve learned I’m one of those moms who talk to their baby as if they know what I’m saying.
I plop him down into the baby bouncer I keep in here, buckling him safely before turning around to continue pruning the flowers. I love this greenhouse.
Ever since I came home from the hospital last week, I’ve been able to find solace in this space that was made for me with more love than I often knew how to receive. It is my safe space.
Jax’s note that was in here before now sits in the top drawer of my desk, where I often take it out to read it. Even still, he is here for me, loving me and giving me a safe home.
Since I came home, every day one or both of our mothers dropped by to help out, not to mention all of our other friends and family.
They do things without even asking, which has been absolutely amazing for us.
Laundry, dishes, cooking, holding Lawson, and entertaining him while I take showers. Whatever we need.
Jax went back to work at the ranch at my insistence, and occasionally I find myself in meetings in preparation for the tour, but otherwise, I’m on full-time mom duty.
Something about being ripped away from him without expecting it has increased my urgency to be with him all the time. I still haven’t been able to leave him yet.
I see a form coming from the back of the house, slightly blurry through the greenhouse walls, and I pause, fanning my pink button-down shirt away from my body as I watch. I breathe a sigh of relief when I catch my first real sight of Jax.
He opens the door, smiling at the sight of us, and I grin back at him. “You’re home early.”
“Needed to see my family,” he replies, bending to tickle Law’s toes before looking at me. I wait a moment to see what he will do and am not surprised when he wraps his arms around my sweaty form, my gloved hands resting around the back of his neck, and he bends down, joining our lips together.
“Well.” I clear my throat, waving a hand at my face. “I’m glad you did.”
“Me too.” Jax’s eyes shine brightly with happiness, and I am so glad to see it coming back to him. This last week has been full of interviews with police, lawyer talks, his father begging him to come see him in jail, and a whole lot of guilt that I know he is trying to get rid of.
They’d finally found Jeanette, and when they did, she pled not guilty.
Looking back on everything that’s happened in the last year since she knew I was coming home again, I feel this resentment rising in myself for her.
But since I am in my own little world, more worried about myself than what it means to her for me to be in the limelight, I don’t allow myself to dwell on that feeling.
Now, she is facing a long trial, along with everyone who was involved. I’ll be involved as well, but hopefully as little as possible.
Right now, I am focusing on rebuilding the team I need for a long tour with my son at my side. Nanny interviews are going on right now. Some of them were recommended by my midwife, so I feel like I am going to have the team I need.
Though I wish I didn’t have to leave Jax behind.
Funny how a few months of us finally being together can make my whole world different.
Jax looks around the greenhouse, smiling at the new batch of flowers I added. “This is looking nice. Maybe we should add some flowers to the front of the house, in front of the hedges.”
I smile at the idea. “I like it.”
He looks at me then, smiling softly, and I crinkle my nose. “What?”
“I can’t just look at you?” Jax teases, rubbing a finger over my cheek.
“I’m all sweaty and gross and not wearing makeup.”
“You look gorgeous, Mama,” Jax whispers to me, and I feel my insides pull.
I absolutely love when he calls me that.
He presses a soft kiss to my cheek, then grabs at my gloves, taking them off. I hear Law babble in his baby talk from the ground and look over at him, watching him play with his foot, and I let out a soft laugh. “He’s getting so big, so fast.”
“He is.” I look back at Jax and see him staring at me intently. “Which is why I need to ask a couple of things.”
I furrow my brows, a confused smile on my face. “What things?”
He grabs my hand and kisses the fingertips. “Well, first, I want to know how you feel about me going on tour with you?”
Gasping, I grab his face in my hands, my eyes wide with excitement. “Are you serious?”
He nods his head, grinning. “I am. I know it’s your thing, but—” I pull him to me, cutting him off with my mouth on his.
The thought of him coming with me on tour has every single doubt and uncertainty I have about leaving drifting away. It is exactly what I wanted, without me even realizing it.
I pull back with a smack of our lips and study him. “What about the rodeo school?”
Jax smiles at me and lets out a deep breath. “Funding is tight. While we wait on that, Bonnie took some freelancing jobs, so she’s gonna be traveling for a bit. When we get back from the tour, we’ll get it going.”
“Are you sure?” I ask, not wanting to push him away but also wanting to help him. “I can?—”
He places a finger over my lips. “I know what you’re going to say, and I appreciate it, but I’ve got this. It’s just going to take time.”
I nod my head, already knowing that’s what he would say, and smile broadly at him. “I’m so happy you’re coming with us!”
“Me too, Mama. Which leads me to my next thing.” He grabs my hand, and without me realizing something was even in his hand, he slips a ring onto my ring finger. My eyes broaden at the sight of it, and I feel instant tears well in my eyes.
My heart thumps loudly in my chest and through a thick throat, I say, “Jax, you wanna marry me?”
“City Girl, I’ve wanted to marry you since the moment I asked you to be my girl in middle school.” He shakes his head, resting his forehead against mine and smiling at the sounds of our son below us. “It’s always been you, City. I never had any doubt.”
Letting the tears fall from my eyes, I lean forward, pressing my lips to his again and relishing in the moment. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Does this mean you’ll marry me?” His eyes hold a smidge of teasing, but also a bit of apprehension that I want to banish away.
“I would love nothing more than to be your wife, Jaxon Cash.”
Jax then bends down, picking up our son out of his seat and holding him between us. His eyes look deeply into mine, and I let myself breathe in this most perfect moment.
“This is all I need, City. This right here.” He looks from Lawson to me. “My family.”