Reckless

Chapter 23

We spend three days in and around Superior National Forest. I think Jude is fully converting to the great outdoors. As someone who spent most of his time between LA and a tour bus, even if he has gone all over the world while doing it, he’s enjoying seeing this more laid back, natural side to the world.

Jude has bought proper hiking gear because his boots and sneakers aren’t that comfortable for long walks. Seeing his transformation from the guy who first walked into the field where I stopped overnight has been amazing.

I didn’t know him before, but I didn’t need to, to see how much good this is doing him. I worry about him going back to his old life. Will he revert? Or will he be invigorated and ready to get back to it with a different outlook.

I keep catching him looking at me and my heart beats a little faster every time. We’ve been so insular, just the two of us for long periods of time, I’m beginning to wonder if my head is warped. If I’m romanticizing this because I don’t have any outside influences.

Not that anyone can sway me but sometimes, you need advice from others. I think I need advice.

His offer to spend a week in Chicago with me was a surprise. Not an unwelcome one, but one I have to be cautious about. It’s right before this is due to end, and he will leave. It’s one thing traveling, enjoying the places we stop, enjoying each other, but… That’s different.

That’s his real life. Where will I fit into that? Even if he is starting to feel something for me, as I am for him, I don’t know how we can make it work. Our lifestyles are so different. He might think I understand it because I am semi-well known, but it’s nothing like the scale of his fame.

Santa Ana is less than an hour away from LA, but he won’t always be in LA.

As we drive towards the Chequamegon-Nicolet National Forest in Wisconsin, I decide I need to talk to someone about this. My first thought is Drew because she’s met Jude, seen us together and would understand better, but she isn’t in the country right now, I don’t want to disturb her when she’s working.

My sister is a huge Reckless Soul fan, she wouldn’t be able to look at the situation objectively. Mom is a good listener, but she’ll tell me to follow my heart and I don’t need that kind of logic.

I need a reality check.

Jude is okay about it when I tell him I have a meeting with my assistant about the convention, saying he can go up on the roof. I tell him it’s going to take a while and I’m going to a coffee shop so he can focus on writing or catching up with his friends. My heart hurts for lying to him, but I need this time to think. And I won’t be able to do that if he’s close-by.

I keep thinking about what I overheard his friend Solene say on the phone the other day. It’s obvious Jude doesn’t want to talk about it, and I get it. If what I suspect is right, then it sounds like it could be a problem for the band. I’m really not sure how else to interpret ‘ what kind of man wants to be saddled with someone else’s kid ’ or ‘ I’m not getting rid of it’ . She’s his best friend and she’s going through something serious.

It's further ramped up my worries about where this is going and that it can end suddenly. I need to know how I feel about that, and I can’t do it while I’m with him.

We find a small town to stop off at and Riggs drives me into the town center. Jude wants Riggs to stay with me, but I remind him no one knows who I am, and I don’t need any protection. I also don’t want to feel like I’m being spied on, even though Riggs and Luther have kept their distance.

Nothing came of the sighting in Minneapolis. Whatever Luther and Riggs did those two guys never spread it around, or if they did, it didn’t get any traction. We were long gone by the time anyone would have got wind of it.

I find a cute and cozy coffee shop and get a table at the back, order myself some apple and cinnamon pie and a cappuccino. I’ve already texted Brianna so she is expecting the call. I pop my headphones in, and video call her through the laptop.

Brianna Brayshaw is a fellow author and has been a good friend for about six years now. She’s non-judgmental, straight talking and will never steer me wrong. I can rely on her to be brutal but in the nicest possible way. She is from Canada after all.

She’s eleven years older than me, divorced twice and has two teenage sons who are even more polite than she is. They’re both amateur hockey players and will eventually be heading to university on sports scholarships. She’s only five foot two, they both tower over her, even the fourteen-year-old, but they would break the world to protect their mom. I love that for her.

“Hey bestie!” she yells excitedly. “How are you?”

I can’t help but laugh. She’s wearing a red and white striped t-shirt and black dungarees. She must have recently had a trim because her blond pixie cut is close cropped to her head. It suits her angular features and pale blue eyes.

“Good, I see you’re as manic as ever.”

“Deadlines. But don’t worry, I have a couple more weeks. I’m just behind because I started watching The Boys . Have you seen that show? It’s so gross, I love it. In the first maybe ten seconds a girl literally explodes into red mist.”

“You enjoy gore way too much.”

“I wouldn’t be a good horror writer if I didn’t,” she makes a cute face, her shoulders rising and falling. She’s adorable. Most people find it hard to believe she is the author of the gruesome horror books she writes.

We catch up on the show, which I haven’t seen but feel like I have by the time she’s finished, and other things we’ve been doing. She’s been a good writing buddy and critique partner for years. Bouncing ideas off one another and stopping each other from losing our minds when writers block hits or deadlines are getting too close. I’m surprised she hasn’t been in touch before now with a deadline looming.

“Are you all ready for the convention?” she asks.

“I think so. Well, Emily has done most of the heavy lifting. I probably should have arranged to go back early to help.”

“She’s so good at what she does,” Brianna tells me. We all hang out together at book conventions, so she knows Emily well. “And if she needed you, she’d tell you. Em knows you go off on this annual road trip or you’ll lose your senses.”

“I’m not that bad, and yes, I know, she’s a god send.”

“Okay. To what do I owe the pleasure? What’s on your mind?”

“I hate you think I’m only calling because I need something.”

“Girl, that’s what I’m here for. You’d do the same for me. Is that pie?” She peers through the screen.

“Apple and cinnamon.”

“Where is the ice cream?”

“I didn’t ask for any but I think I will once we’re done… Anyway, I don’t want to keep you too long with your deadline.”

“Yes, yes I’m ready.”

I take a deep breath. “I was at a stopover in Montana and this guy showed up.”

“Oh, this sounds like inspiration for that romantic element you’re working on.”

“Bri, you have no idea.”

She listens as I talk. I’m honest, I tell her everything. Not too detailed on the intimate stuff but I do mention how much sex I’m having, and she fans her face with her hand. Only interrupting a few times, she listens until I pause for breath. Stalling on where to go next and ask the real question I need answers to.

“A rockstar. You don’t do things by half, Krista.”

“Don’t,” I put my head in my hands.

“From what you’re saying, it sounds like he’s catching feelings, but you won’t know till you ask. And therein lies the problem, I guess. You’re not so sure you feel the same?” she says it in a high lilting voice, then cocks her head. “Or you are, and you’re shitting your pants.”

I can’t help the laugh.

“It’s an interesting problem to have. And, let me say, I’m very proud of you for having wild, hot sex with this guy. I didn’t know who he was, but I googled him while you were talking. He’s gorgeous.”

“He’s also good hearted, caring and generous.”

“Sounds like the complete package.”

“You’ve been married twice to guys you thought you loved.”

“Well, that was quite a leap. You think you love him?”

“No. Not…” I try to think of a word.

“You could, under different circumstances.”

“Maybe,” I bite my lip. “I’m just worried that we’re in such close proximity, and only a handful of people know we’re together, it’s potentially warping my feelings.”

I tell her about the people from his band and label who know. And Drew and Wayne having met him but it was only one night.

“That isn’t great, Krista. It does kind of change the situation. You’ve been on your own through all of this except for one evening with your friends?”

“I’m trying to respect his privacy and not let it get out where he is, given all the crap that is being reported about him and his band lately.”

“I get that. But there is an element of safety here too. Anyway, I’m sure you’ve considered that and that isn’t why we’re talking. You’re right, I did love both of my husband’s when we got married and Jace to a certain degree I still have feelings for. But I wouldn’t have Jack and Tobias without Jace. So, I have to think that the period of time we were together, that I loved him, was worth it. Not just for the kids. We had a good time for seventeen years. Until things went wrong. But you can’t predict that.

“For some people love lasts a lifetime, some flit from one relationship to the next. It makes us what we are. Human. You’re human. I can’t tell you what to do. I get you needed someone to talk to about it, and I’m glad you came to me,” she pauses for breath. “I am going to say something you probably already know.”

“I should talk to him,” I say before she can.

“Exactly. You know the score, eh,” she grins. “It’s a difficult choice to make. But I think you’ve probably already made it, in certain parts of you, even if others are slow to catch up.”

“If you’re referring to my fun parts… I think it’s safe to say they’re fully on board. But not everything is about sex.”

“You talk, you do stuff outside of the bedroom, or the couch or wherever," she laughs. "From what you’ve been saying it is a lot more than just sex. He tells you his truths. Maybe it’s time you tell him yours. Be honest with yourself too.”

“I don’t see this being a sustainable relationship.”

“If we went into every relationship thinking like that, we could come up with a million reasons to walk away. The world would be full of people making their way through life alone. We’d die out within one generation.”

“Your post-apocalyptic world building is coming into play.”

“Hey, it’s true. One seemingly insignificant thing can turn life on a dime. You kill out the bees, the human race will follow.”

I’ll take her word for that. Bri is a meticulous planner and researcher. She’s also very heavy into environmental issues.

“I’m sure a romance writer would have a completely different take on this.”

“Well duh, of course they would. They’d have you guys married off and popping out little red haired rockstars in a heartbeat,” she rests her cheek against her palm and leans heavily on her elbow. “I’m about to get far too philosophical for this time of day, and with no alcohol intake. Seen as it’s you, I can make an exception.”

“Thanks, appreciate that,” I grin.

“Ready for it? Life has a lot of lenses. The trick is to make sure you can swap them when you need to. Not stick to the same safety goggles we arm ourselves with to protect our hearts.”

Despite the analogy, it makes a lot of sense and I know that.

“Part of life is about the unknown, Krista. His knowns are concerning, yes. The fame, the travelling, there are a myriad of issues that come with that. Question is, are the other things worth seeing past that? And the only way you’ll be able to make an informed decision, is to know what he’s offering.”

“I’m scared.”

“Because you’ve gone into blindfold territory which is even worse than safety goggles. Okay, answer me this, honestly. If you went back to the RV and he was gone, how would that make you feel?”

“Worried. Sad... Lonely.”

Her eyes narrow.

“Fine. I’d be hurt. And… empty. Afraid I’d never see him again.”

Brianna gives me a sad little smile. “And that makes you want to…”

“Tell him not to go,” I say slowly. “But I don’t know how.”

“You’re a writer.”

“I make people up in my head. They’re braver than me.”

“There is a little bit of you in every character you write.”

“Even the murderer?”

“Of course,” she laughs. “Everyone is capable of murder given the right circumstances.”

“You’ll die on that hill.”

“Yep,” she gives me another broad smile. “I don’t know if I helped. I like to think I did, eh?”

“You did. Thank you.”

“Good,” she looks at her watch. “Damn shit, I gotta go bestie, Tobes is at practice in half an hour, and I need to get him from school which is like fifteen minutes away. Don’t leave me hanging. I want to hear what happens. And when I see you in Chicago, you better have on the right pair of glasses.”

We end the call there and I look at my untouched pie. After a few minutes I hold up a hand and ask if they have any ice-cream. The server heads off to get some as I close my laptop. I had planned to get some writing done as well as get advice, but my brain isn’t in the right place.

The server brings me a dish of ice-cream and a fresh coffee. I finish them off, thinking about Jude the whole time.

When I pack everything up and grab my coat I turn and see a pair of glasses on the table behind mine. I hadn’t noticed anyone sitting there the whole time I was here.

If Emily was here and privy to that conversation, she’d say it was a sign. They’re cat eye shaped with bright red rims. Sexy. I pick them up and pull back the arms, turning them so I can see through the lenses. Everything looks blurry and I have to laugh at myself.

Folding them back up, I take them to the register and tell the girl someone left them. She thanks me and pops them beneath the counter.

I don’t think I’ll ever look at eye wear quite the same way again.

Despite the chat with Brianna, I didn’t have the guts to talk to Jude. He’s been on edge since finding out Luther has been following us the whole time. I tried to tell him it wasn’t that big of a deal, especially as he showed up when Jude needed him.

He hates that he wasn’t told, saying they’re treating him like he’s a child. I can see it from both sides and given the situation at the park in Minneapolis, I’m kind of glad they were there.

I hate that these are things he needs to deal with. It’s one thing hearing about it, it’s another seeing it in person.

We’ve made our way down through Wisconsin, stopping at a few lakes and small towns along the way, then crossed into Iowa over the last week. Our route is following the Mississippi River so there have been no shortages of cool places to stop.

The original two weeks Jude was supposed to stay has long passed us by. Things haven’t been strained, we’re spending as much time together, he’s sleeping in the bed with me every night, but when we’re out of the RV he’s being much more cautious.

I’ve found him reading my first book a few times though. He joked that it will probably take a year to get through it because he’s a terrible reader, but he is making steady progress and he keeps asking me tons of questions. He admitted he read the last chapter of one book but it wasn’t this one, so he doesn’t know where it is going.

The label are forcing him to make a statement about the shit with their manager. I agree with him that he doesn’t need to tell anyone anything about his personal life, but it isn’t going to go away until he says something. Press speculation is getting wilder.

We’ve stopped just outside the city of Dubuque where they’ve arranged for him to meet with a pre-approved media outlet at a hotel. He doesn’t want me involved in any of it and has told me to stay back with Riggs, while he goes into the city with Luther.

He comes out of the bedroom, freshly showered, his hair still damp. He looks like the man who wandered into that clearing. Except the beard growth. He hasn’t shaved once since he joined me. I like it, it’s at a good length now that doesn’t leave a red blush all over my skin. He has on all black and his old boots, his tattoos are on show. His expression is grim.

“Are you okay?” I ask, looking up from the notes I’ve been scribbling.

“At the risk of sounding like a toddler, I don’t want to go.” He drops into the seat opposite me at the dining table.

“It might help,” I say, trying to put a positive spin on the situation.

“Hmm,” he looks out of the window.

Setting aside my notes, I get up, walk around, and sit down on his lap. He moves to make space, one arm automatically goes around my waist the other lands high up on my thigh. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he tilts his head to look up at me better.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” I stroke the hair at the nape of his neck, knowing it is a move that calms him.

“Nothing,” he says after a while.

“Jude,” I squeeze the back of his neck.

“I’m always going to be at their beck and call,” he says after a few moments of being quiet.

There isn’t much I can say to that because it’s true and I won’t lie to make him feel better. His eyes lift to mine and some of the wariness goes out of him as he looks at me. Brianna’s words come back to me. But my mouth refuses to say the words.

“It’s an hour out of your life, go say what they want you to say, then come back.”

“Right,” he squeezes my thigh. “What are you going to do while I’m in hell?”

“Pump Riggs for information about you.”

He smirks. “Anything you need to know you can ask me. You do know that, right?” the smirk turns to a frown.

“Yeah, but you won’t tell me all the embarrassing shit.”

He laughs and although it doesn’t quite reach his eyes his mood is lighter. I want to take this unease away from him. I want to wipe the frown marring his beautiful face away. Everything I need to say is on the tip of my tongue. He’s watching me, his gaze intense, but a knock at the door makes me jump.

“Fucking perfect timing,” Jude shakes his head. “I better go.” I slip off his lap and stand back so he can get up. He pulls me into him and kisses me. “Hopefully I won’t be long.”

“It’ll be fine.”

He nods, presses a kiss to the corner of my mouth then heads to the RV door and outside. I hear them talking then a few moments later, Riggs pops his head in.

“I’ll be out here, if you need anything.”

“Riggs, you don’t need to stay outside.”

He looks hesitant. Luther pulls away in the car. I can’t see Jude from where I’m standing. Riggs watches them too before looking at me.

“Come on, I’ll make coffee.”