Chapter 7
Gwen
Laughter floats my way across the street as I walk along the Mississippi River.
Looking out over the water, I see ships coming and going in the moonlight and hear the faint whistle of a steamboat.
It doesn’t take much to imagine this town in all its glory centuries ago.
The night is pleasant as the humidity from earlier this afternoon has lifted, and a breeze blows past me as I stroll along the banks of the river toward downtown.
A work party earlier this evening had me needing air as the same people and stupid chatter surrounded me.
Excusing myself and leaving Aaliyah in charge, I took the five-minute walk through town and across the street to walk the river in peace and quiet.
Something that has quickly become one of my favorite things to do in New Orleans when I need to clear my head.
With all the crazy ways my life has twisted and turned over the last few weeks, I have found myself here more times than I care to admit.
Rex making me promise he could prove our past was never a mistake has rocked me more than I thought it would.
At night, I lay awake, tormented by the undeniable desire to have him in my bed, holding me, making love to me, cherishing me like he used to.
I wrestle with the thoughts of what I know I want more than anything: the painful truth about the way we ended all those years ago, and the secret I’ve been holding in all this time since I felt he betrayed me and left me all alone when I needed him most.
The pain I felt the whole time we were together, not knowing if he loved me the way I loved him, is a road I do not want to walk back down.
He would never say it, always left when feelings got too real, and even though I swore he felt it too, my demons would wrestle with my mind and always get the better of me, telling me he didn’t.
Kind of like they are not leaving me alone now, and making me dwell on the things in the past left unsaid.
Things I buried a long time ago with no intention of ever digging them up again.
Glancing up, I notice Rex sitting on a park bench.
He must have needed some air from the party, too.
He hasn’t noticed me, and I debate not making myself known.
I stop and watch him as he leans forward on his knees, deep in thought.
His hands go to the scruff on his chin, and he rubs at it a few times before sitting back hastily.
Looking off into the distance, I notice the frustration written on his face as his eyebrows tighten, and he blows out a deep breath, then drapes his arms across the back of the bench he is sitting in.
He shakes his head a few times, lost in thought.
I know I shouldn’t, but before I can rethink my actions, I walk a few steps closer.
Finally, my movements catch his eye. Startled briefly, he realizes it’s me and his face softens.
He smiles, and his face relaxes from the torment of whatever was crossing his mind a few moments ago.
He pats the seat beside him and says, “Hey gorgeous, fancy meeting you out here. Care to sit for a spell?”
I smile back at his cute-ass comment and reluctantly give in, because I’ve never had the willpower to stay away from him for long. I take a few steps closer and pause at the bench. His grin widens as he stares up at me. I roll my eyes as I sit beside him, utterly defenseless against his charm.
“See, that wasn’t that hard, now was it,” he teases, more making a statement than asking a question. He nudges my shoulder for emphasis.
“Maybe, or maybe it is just some good old-fashioned New Orleans voodoo, and you’ve cast a spell to finally get me to do as you will,” I joke.
Rex laughs, “I can assure you, Gwen, you cast a spell on me long before our paths ever crossed in the Big Easy.”
My entire body stills at his comment. My mind goes blank. I can’t even begin to think of a response and breathe out a small sigh of relief when he continues.
“What were you doing out here all by yourself? The streets of New Orleans aren’t safe to walk alone at night, especially for someone as gorgeous as you.”
“Please,” I laugh, “I can handle my own, Roberts. I don’t need you to protect me.”
My gaze finds the ground at my feet as my mind races.
But I did need you to save me once before, and you failed, I think quietly.
“Trust me, no one knows better than me just how much you can handle all on your own,” he whispers, more to himself than to me, “But that doesn’t mean you have to, Gwen.
There was a time once when you let me in.
Or was that so long ago you’ve forgotten?
Because I’d like to get us back there, if you’ll let me. ”
I did let him in once, and he failed me. How could I ever let him back in now? There was a time I prayed we’d end up together and he’d finally stop running.
“Why?” I snap. “Why now, Rex? What, did you finally screw your way through life before settling back on me? Because that sure as shit is what it looks like. I’m not about to let you make a fool of me again. Once a cheater, always a cheater.”
“For fuck's sake, Gwen, I never cheated on you,” he bites back. “We’ve been over this bullshit a million times.”
I roll my eyes, and stand to leave, but Rex quickly grabs my arm and holds me hostage.
I take a few deep breaths to allow my breathing to level out.
Closing my eyes, I wait for him to speak because there is nothing else I have to say to the man I waited for the night of my sister’s death when I should have been with her instead.
The man I trusted would meet me because of what I needed to tell him, the secret I’ve held all these years.
The man I later was told was at Christina Thompson’s house having sex with the tramp of the cheerleading squad.
The man who strung me along and never told me how he felt after I lost myself to him.
After I gave myself over to him, mind, body, and soul.
“Why won’t you believe me?” he pleads, tightening his grip on my hand.
I shrug. “I remember the bullshit I walked in on the night before, Rex. Plus, she had proof. That kind of shit doesn’t lie. I needed you that night, and you were gone. You were with her and…”
“Damn it, Gwen, I was not with her. I was…”
I wait for it. Wait for the confession he has started a thousand times that he never finishes. But just like before, Rex Roberts falls silent, and I’m left with no alibi.
He didn’t love me, not like I loved him. At least, God knows he never said it. Never showed it. When something better came along, he took it. He left me alone the night of my sister’s death, and I’ve died a little inside ever since knowing I waited for him when I should’ve been with her.
It was the straw that finally broke the spell Rex Roberts had over me. Until now.
“I thought our bet was that you were going to prove me wrong. You can’t do that, Roberts, if you insist on starting off on the same rotten foot,” I say, shooting off the bench.
He lets my hand go, and I start to walk back towards town.
His footsteps sound behind me, and it isn’t long before he catches up to my side.
I look to my left and take in his silhouette.
Deep in thought, he hurries along beside me in the moonlight, but he doesn’t speak.
“You know, if you are trying to prove to me that we were never a mistake, you’re doing a really shitty job. ”
“She was always jealous of me and you, and you know that.”
I laugh as I hurry along the path back to downtown. “Me and you? We were a joke, Rex. Barely anyone knew about ‘me and you.’ Nice try.”
“Are you actually going to believe her and the lies she spewed more than me and what we….” Our past gets the better of him, and he stops mid-sentence.
“What we what, Rex?” I demand, coming to an abrupt stop. “Say it. I want to hear you say it,” I shout.
His face grows worrisome. His eyes plead with mine to not make him do it, but after all the years, all the bullshit, I’m finally unrelenting.
I roll my eyes. “Didn’t think so.
Turning quickly down a corner, he hurries once again to catch up.
He’s quiet for a moment before he speaks.
“One of these days, sweetheart, I am going to tell you everything I’ve been wanting to say for ten years, and you’ll finally have to admit, we were never a fucking mistake.”
I stop abruptly once again. This time, he meets my determined stance.
“So spill it, Rex. Tell me. Where were you? Why did you not show? You left me all alone, all alone when….” I trail off, remembering the magnitude of what that night brought me. “Did you love her? Because God knows you never loved me. Or, at least you never had the balls to say it.”
He takes a few steps closer. Even though I’m pissed, I’d be a lying fool if I said I didn’t want him to close the distance and kiss me then take me back to his place and erase our past with nothing but promises of our future.
But I know he won’t. Tigers don’t change their stripes, and Rex never had the balls to grow up and give me what I needed most.
“When you’re finally ready to listen, Gwen, I’ll tell you,” he whispers, catching me off guard.
A few moments pass while we stand in the light of a nearby street lamp and stare into each other’s eyes. The truths we both hold are screaming loudly to be heard, but neither of us is ready to take the leap, to say what we have needed to say for ten damn years.
I hold his stare, daring him to tell me. Wanting him to finally get it out in the open, but knowing ultimately he’s right. I’m not ready to hear him, and a part of me fears I might never be. Not when all that consumes my thoughts is the question of how long he intends to stay this time.
Always living his life wild and free, I’m not sure anyone will ever tame Rex Roberts.
When neither of us says anything for another tense moment, Rex blurts out, “Kiss me.”
Blinking a few times, I take a step back and laugh. “What?”
He smiles and takes a step forward. “I said, kiss me. Just try it. Maybe you’ll like it. Maybe it will finally stop the lies and webs of bullshit we’ve spent years building between us.”
Shaking my head, I smile. “Not today, Roberts.”
“So, one day?” he grins. “That wasn’t a no.”
I start walking back towards the party, and Rex follows. “We’ll see.”
He laughs and grabs my hand. “You can’t blame a guy for trying.”
My steps falter slightly as I wonder if I should let him take my hand or pull it away like I know deep inside I need to.
But then he does something I wasn’t expecting.
He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it gently before draping it through his arm and pulling me closer.
My heart skips a small beat at the gesture, and so I let him hold me close, all the time wondering if I just might let him in after all these years.
I know the longer I stay around him it’s inevitable. The more I spend time with him, the more the facade I’m trying to keep up will crumble.
“See, Gwen, it doesn’t hurt you to be close to me.”
I know he’s right. What’s more, I know the longer I stay around him after all we’ve been through, there will come a day I can’t deny the hunger I feel inside any longer. I will cave. And I’m already kicking myself in the present for a mistake I know I will make in the future.
No - by outward appearances, anyone would guess it doesn’t seem to hurt being this close to him. But no one can see what it’s doing to my heart.