35. Lowri
LOWRI
L ying here next to Sean, we’re both silently luxuriating in our sex comas. I may never move from this spot. Tonight has been perfect.
Sean delivered on his promise. He made our previous nights together seem like mere rehearsals for tonight’s concert. And don’t even ask me about the curtain calls. I’m tired and sore in a wonderful way.
Unexpectedly, I’m struck by an unwelcome concern. Turning on my side, I prop up on my elbow, staring at Sean.
He must sense the movement because he turns his head toward me.
“How many women have you locked in here with you?” I ask.
“What? None. You’re the first. I’ve never told anyone else about this room,” he murmurs without opening his eyes.
That’s surprising and reassuring.
“Why me?”
He doesn’t say anything at first. I’ve learned from taking depositions for work, no one likes silence. If someone doesn’t answer my question immediately, it’s best to wait. They will eventually answer to break the awkward silence, so I keep quiet.
It’s not long before he opens his eyes, staring toward the ceiling as he says, “I’m not sure. It felt safe to share this secret with you. Will you share something special with me?”
“You already know my biggest secret.”
“What’s that?”
“I got drunk in Vegas and ended up married. Nothing will top that.”
“That doesn’t count. Tell me something personal. Why do you avoid relationships? Most women are the opposite in my experience.”
“That’s a long story.”
“We’re going to be here a while. We’ve got time.”
“Okay. My parents had an extremely unhappy marriage. My dad cheated on my mom with his assistant, Bev. Mom and Dad divorced, and he immediately married Bev. She was young—mid-twenties. He was at least twenty years older than his new wife. I didn’t see much of him after that.”
“It must have been tough growing up without your dad.”
“It’s strange, but I didn’t really miss him.
He never showed much interest in me. I was a girl and not into sports.
He mostly ignored me, even when my parents were married.
After he left, I started referring to him by his first name, Lowell, because he never was a real dad .
My mom, Rita, was a good mom until Lowell left.
Then she turned into a bitter man-hater. ”
“Wait a minute. Don’t tell me that that’s how you got your name. Your parents combined the first part of Lowell with the first part of Rita to get Lowri?”
“Ding. Ding. Ding. You win the prize. When I turned out to be a girl, Dad insisted that they pass along his name. Mom refused to name me Lowella. That was his first choice. I’m thankful that Mom stood her ground.
Instead, they compromised on putting their names together.
They learned that a few random people had named their children Lowri.
That was enough for them to decide it was an actual name. The rest is history.”
“I’ll give them credit for being creative.”
“I guess. It sucked as a kid. I couldn’t buy the cute stuff with my name printed on it. No personalized glitter pens, hot chocolate mugs, necklaces, or reusable water bottles for me.”
“I like the name Lowri. I understand wanting the engraved stuff as a kid, but as an adult, standing out can be useful. You make enough money to have your own personalized coffee mugs made.”
“You’ve got a point. I’ll admit that I’ve come to appreciate the uniqueness now. That took a long time.”
“I get it. I’m curious about Rita though. You said she was a good mom before Lowell cheated. I can understand her being bitter about the cheating, but why wasn’t she still a good mom to you?”
“She did what she could under the circumstance, but she had to work all the time to pay the bills. When she wasn’t exhausted from that, she suffered from repeated bouts of what I now know was depression. As a child, I didn’t fully understand what she was going through.”
“That’s awful. She clearly needed counseling.”
“I know. She ignored suggestions to get help until much later. Now she lives in her own world. If that’s what she needs to cope, I’m good with it.”
“That’s tough. You’ve turned into an amazing person. I’m sorry your parents haven’t been there for you.”
“Someone gave me good advice when I was young. They pointed out that you don’t select your relatives, but you can select your friends, so pick well. I’ve taken that to heart. I’m closer to Cassie than to anyone else. She’s my best friend.”
“That was excellent advice. As an only child with deceased parents, friends are my family. Do you have any siblings?”
“One brother. We stay in touch but have our separate lives.”
“What’s he like?”
“His name is Gerald, but he goes by Jerry. He’s a couple of years younger than me. Dad was better to him because Jerry played basketball, Dad’s favorite sport. My brother’s a stockbroker now.”
“Does he share your views on relationships?”
“Absolutely. When Lowell eventually divorced his second wife and vowed to never marry again, it sealed the deal for Jerry. He’s a player in the sense that he has no interest in being stuck with any one woman. You two have that in common.”
Sean turns his head to face me, a dark sadness in his eyes and his lips curved downward. He says, “That doesn’t sound like a compliment.”
“It’s a fact. You, me, Jerry—we aren’t into relationships. I vowed never to let a man cheat on me, and Jerry decided he’d never be happy with one partner for life.”
“Those aren’t my reasons,” he whispers.
I’m not sure he intended to say that out loud. Now I’m curious.
“What are your reasons?”
“It doesn’t matter. The result is the same.”
“Please tell me. I promise never to share it with anyone outside this windowless hideaway. Wait a sec. There aren’t cameras in here are there?”
“There are cameras for security in case of a threat. You’ll be happy to know that I’m the only one who can activate them, and I didn’t.”
“Whew. The last thing I need is to be on a sex tape or have had a live audience in your security office.”
He glares at me. “You don’t think I’d do that to you, do you?”
“Not really. At least, not on purpose. You could have forgotten to turn the cameras off though.”
His features soften. “This is where I come for absolute privacy. All the cameras, including audio, are off by default. They only activate at my command. You’re safe here.”
I roll over and wrap my arm across his chest, planting a kiss on his lips. “Thank you. I’m sorry I doubted that you would protect me. It’s not easy for me to trust men after what my dad did to Mom.”
As I snuggle closer, he says, “I understand.”
“Now will you tell me why you avoid committing to anyone?”
“Yeah. My story is the exact opposite of yours and Jerry’s. My parents were the epitome of the perfect, happy couple. They met in college, married when they graduated, and were inseparable from that point forward.”
“Wouldn’t that make you want what they had?”
“In the beginning, yes. That changed when Mom died suddenly. Dad was crushed. It killed me to watch him grieve. He shut down emotionally and was never the same. He turned into an absolute workaholic and devoted himself to the Athena.
It was devastating to watch as a teenager. I promised myself that I’d never get that close to anyone, so I wouldn’t end up broken.”
“That’s sad. It’s odd how our parents’ polar-opposite marriages led us to similar views of love and relationships. To avoid what happened to them, we’ve thrown ourselves into work and vowed to lead commitment-free personal lives. It’s our way of ensuring history won’t repeat itself.”
“Yep. For entirely different reasons, we fear being hurt by love.”
“Are we missing out though? Look at Evan and Cassie. Sometimes I envy what they have.”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“Was it Tennyson who said something like it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”
“Tennyson sounds correct, but I never bought into that tenet in the past. Despite Dad’s pain, he did though. There’s always a chance he was right.”
“Who knows, but this conversation is getting too serious for my comfort level. I’m not ready to deal with these issues.”
“Ditto.”
I close my eyes. Insecurities suck. Regret could be even worse though. Sleep takes over and saves me from further self-analysis.