15. CHRIS
15
CHRIS
T he room was dark, except for the faint sliver of morning sunlight filtering through the blackout curtains, and I lay on the bed staring at the ceiling. My thoughts were tangled up in knots.
Bella’s soft breathing next to me was steady. She was still here—she’d chosen to stay for the night. It should have been a comfort, but all it did was remind me of everything I didn’t deserve.
Fuck, what was I doing? I should have let her go to her room, should have kept fighting to keep this rift between us. It was safer that way. For her.
Instead, here she was again, sucked into the hurricane that was my life and there was no way she was leaving unscathed.
I turned my head to look at her. She had one arm draped across her stomach, her hair fanned out on the pillow. She looked so peaceful. It twisted something inside me—her serene beauty, her innocence, her pure fucking perfection had always made me feel unworthy. A part of me wanted to reach out and touch her, to let my fingers graze her skin and convince myself that this moment was real. But I stayed still, paralyzed by the weight of my own doubts.
Nice play, Blackwood. Smooth move. If self-sabotage was an Olympic sport, you’d be taking home gold.
“You’re quiet,” Bella said, her voice breaking the silence. She turned her head toward me, her eyes barely open, liquid brown and so deep I could drown in them. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
I smiled at her, but it was just my smile. Not the million-dollar I-want-to-make-a-sale-smile I wore almost all the time. She deserved sincerity, if nothing else.
“Just… thinking.”
She shifted closer, her warmth now brushing against my side and I drank it in. How long would this still be mine?
“Do you want to talk about it?” She turned onto her side and her hair fell over her neck. I reached for her and brushed it aside, tracing my fingers across her smooth skin. Her eyes stayed on me but I didn’t meet her gaze.
I sighed, looking back at the ceiling. It was hard to put it into words. I could talk the talk, walk the walk. I could be everything everyone else needed me to be. It was just so damn hard to be myself. But something in the way she looked at me, so open and patient, made me want to try, at least.
And that sounded downright ridiculous.
“It’s just work,” I said. “Eli Moretti is a huge threat.” I pulled a face, his name bitter on my tongue. “He’s always been a problem, and I know he’s up to something. I just… I don’t know what it is yet. It feels like he’s waiting for the right moment to throw a wrench in everything. I know he’ll find a way to fuck things up for me—either with the company, or with the yacht project.” I paused, swallowing hard. My chest was tight, the weight on it heavy. “Knowing that you went out to see him…” I glanced at her and she looked guilty but the expression was so fleeting, I almost wasn’t sure I’d seen it. “He wants to take everything from me, and I don’t know if I’ll survive it if it includes you.”
Bella shook her head. “Chris, that’s not what that was. It was just lunch.”
“That’s just the thing, Bell,” I said with a heavy sigh. “Nothing with him is just anything. He always has an ulterior motive, a conniving plan and he can suck you in without you realizing what he’s doing until it’s too late.”
The more I talked, the more my voice rose, getting strained. My muscles were tight, my body taut with tension.
Bella put her hand on my arm. “Hey,” she said softly. “I know how people like Eli can be. I’m under no illusions.”
I took a deep breath and let it out with a shudder. “You don’t know what he’s capable of. I’m worried he’ll not just look for trouble during this show but try to do longer-term damage. I mean, he’s pissed that he had to clear his name after he screwed up and he’s the type of guy who doesn’t feel like he’s been vindicated until someone else suffers more than he did.”
Bella’s brow furrowed, her fingers brushing my arm, tracing soft lines along my skin. It was comforting. It had always been soothing to be with her. Her presence was calming, and she was an anchor when I felt lost at sea.
And fuck, the last decade without her I’d been drifting. It had been a hell of a long time.
But that had been my fault, hadn’t it? I’d been the one to push her away. I didn’t deserve this after what I’d done to her—her support, her kindness. I had walked away from her once, hurting her, and I couldn’t make it right by sleeping with her a few times, by telling her she was everything.
I was still—and always would be—the same person, and nothing would change that.
“Chris,” she murmured, her voice soft. “You know why Eli’s always been like that—he’s threatened by you. That would be the reason he has it in for you. He can’t stand that you’re bigger, better, and he’ll forever be in your shadow. People like Eli do what they do, pushing others down, clawing, fighting, playing dirty so that they can feel better about themselves. But if you’ve been able to handle him until now, you can do it again. I don’t know why you doubt yourself the way you do. You’re capable, more than you think. You’re strong enough to deal with whatever he throws at you.”
I turned my head and our eyes locked, and there it was—that belief she’d always had in me. The same belief she used to have back when we were younger, before everything fell apart. I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. That I wasn’t that person. I put up a fucking good act. I could fool almost everyone, even my brother. But acting didn’t change the truth. That saying fake it until you make it didn’t always apply. In my case, it was just fake it .
“Alex doesn’t think I can do this,” I said.
“Did he say that?” Bella’s eyes widened with surprise.
“Well, no,” I said. “But Alex will never say something like that out loud. I know he thinks it, though. But he can’t be here to pick up the pieces, you know? I mean, if I screw up. He’s got his family back home, and soon he’ll be leaving me here to figure it all out.”
“Which you’ll do just fine,” Bella said firmly. “And I think you’re wrong. He doesn’t think you can’t do it. Why would he leave you here, in charge, if he didn’t trust you to get the job done?”
“Because he can’t do everything himself anymore,” I said. “Not now that he has Charlotte and Tommy.”
Bella shook her head. Of course, she didn’t know Alex’s family. When she was in my life—a part of the family—my brothers were all single, young, playing the field. So much had changed since then.
“Chris,” Bella said, her voice warm, and her eyes searched my face until I looked at her and our eyes locked. “You’re still the man I remember you to be. You haven’t changed, become less capable in any way. You’re still the strong, able guy I know, the one who handles the whole design department. I mean, that’s a feat in itself, never mind the fact you’re here in Monaco, killing it with your fancy yacht.” She glanced around. “This yacht is really the best work I’ve ever seen.”
“Yeah?”
“You have no idea,” Bella said. “But that just goes to show, Chris. You can do anything. You’ve come so far, and you need to remember that. You’ve got this—you’re stronger than you know.”
Her words hit me hard. They were meant to lift me up, but all they did was remind me of how far I’d fallen from the man she thought I was. Or maybe, how much I’d never been that guy to start off with. I’d been faking it with her in a big way too, hadn’t I? Not only now. Back then, too.
She gave me warmth, support, comfort, but instead of feeling calm and peaceful with her by my side I suffocated under the weight of my past mistakes. How could she still see that man in me? How could she see someone with so many positive attributes when I was none of that? I was just the man who had turned my back on her and walked away.
The guilt started to churn in my gut, and my chest tightened all over again. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let her look at me like that—like I was worthy of her support, her care.
I fucking wasn’t.
I had failed her before, and I knew, deep down, I’d fail her again. I wasn’t capable of more than that.
I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the bed, running a hand through my hair. “I should get dressed,” I muttered, my voice rough. “I have shit I need to get done.”
“Chris…” Bella said. “It’s still early. Stay a while longer.”
I stood. “You should probably get going, too,” I said and walked toward the en suite bathroom, opening the shower. Steam started to fill the bathroom and I stepped out again.
Bella looked at me from the bed. She clutched the sheets to her chest now, hiding her body from me. Her eyes were confused and I hated it. I was doing this to her again, pushing her away just when things seemed okay. But I couldn’t face her. Not when I knew I was bound to hurt her all over again.
“Okay,” she said tightly. “I guess you’re right.” The warmth, the spark, had bled out of her eyes.
I sighed, resigned, and stood to collect her evening dress from the floor. Slowly, she pulled it on again, covering up her body, looking like the vision from last night. But she was deflated, her eyes dull, and it made my heart ache. I wanted her to stay. I never wanted to push her away again, but that would just be selfish of me. Because I wasn’t the man she thought I was. I wasn’t strong, someone she could rely on.
I knew pushing her away would hurt, but if she stayed and found out who I really was, that would hurt more. How could I expect her to stay with me and live a life where she would become disillusioned, be disappointed in the person I was?
If I was already disappointed in myself, and I knew who I was behind closed doors, there was no reason to subject her to the same.
Pushing her away again after she’d asked me not to hurt her was a dick move, but the alternative—locking her in a life she didn’t deserve—was so much worse.
She deserved better. She always had.