21. CHRIS
21
CHRIS
T he sun was just starting to come up over the horizon, the rest of the world still asleep around us. But we were awake.
It felt wrong to sleep the time away when I had her with me.
We were back on the couch, wrapped in the plush robes that felt like a warm cocoon against the early morning chill. Each of us nursed a cup of coffee, and I watched Bella while she sipped hers. Messy dark hair, and her skin even bronzer against the white robe.
Something inside me felt… fragile. Like if I said the wrong thing, all of this would vanish.
She lowered her cup and traced a finger along the edge of her robe, not meeting my eyes.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “It’s just tough not to jump right into work right now.” She offered a nervous smile.
“What?” I hadn’t expected that.
“It’s hard for me to not work. To just take some time off, unless it’s forced because I’m between contracts or something. And even then, I still find something to do—a course that might make me better, learn more about yachts, the service I need to provide…”
“It sounds like you never stop.”
She nodded. “Yeah, well, that’s the only way to reach the top, isn’t it?”
“Maybe… but you still need to be gentle with yourself, take some time off and breathe.”
“Do you?”
I hesitated to answer that because she had me there. “It’s not that I don’t take time off but my work looks very different from yours. It’s a part of my job to party and to schmooze my clients and to mess around.”
She nodded, still fiddling with her robe. Her feet were tucked underneath her and she looked so small. Bella had such a big personality that sometimes it was easy to forget how small and delicate she was. She always stunned with her presence.
"You know,” she said, her voice soft, “I always had this thing with my family. My dad has extremely high expectations for me. I mean, even this position I hold now… it’s not good enough. I may be the head of staff but to him I’m still in service and that means I’m a maid.”
I snorted. “That’s ridiculous.” I’d met Bella’s dad once or twice, but she’d moved away from her parents when she was young—sixteen if I remembered correctly. Was that the reason why? Why didn’t I know this? Why hadn’t I paid enough attention?
“Yeah, I guess in a way it is ridiculous, but in a way he’s not wrong.”
This time, I groaned. “Don’t. You’re doing great for yourself and if your dad can’t see that, the fault lies with him, not you.”
“Maybe,” she said. “But that doesn’t change the fact that I still feel like there’s something I’m not doing, that it’s never enough, you know? I always had to work hard, to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, the perfect girlfriend. No matter how much I work, I can’t seem to manage that. It’s exhausting. And sometimes I wonder… I wonder if that’s why I always ended up alone. Maybe I was too much.”
I shook my head before she even finished. “Bella, you’re incredible. You don’t even have to try. And what you do leaves me speechless every time. Don’t you ever think that you’re enough, that you should have been better.” I swallowed, my throat tight. This was me preaching to the choir in a way, wasn’t it? But this was about her, now. Not me. “I’m sorry. For back then. For leaving the way I did. I shouldn’t have just walked away without giving you a better reason, a heads-up… something. ”
She turned to look at me, her eyes searching mine. “What was your better reason, Chris? Why did you do it, then?”
I looked away, staring at the gray light filtering through the curtains. I could feel the weight of her eyes, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at her. Not now. “I was scared,” I said simply, as if it wasn’t a fucking big deal. “I didn’t know how to handle it. Everything was getting so serious between us. You were talking about marriage and kids, and I just… panicked.” I looked at her again after the words were out.
It was a half-truth. I could see the confusion in her eyes, the way her brow furrowed as she tried to piece together the puzzle. It wasn’t just about that, though. How could I tell her everything? That I was the kid whose mom walked out, leaving me to fend for myself with an abusive, alcoholic father until I was finally taken away? That deep down, I never felt like I was enough—not then, and not now.
“Scared of what?”
I sighed, rubbing a hand over my face. “Commitment. I was scared of committing to something I couldn’t handle. I’m addicted to my work, Bella. It’s my escape. And I leave before I’m left for putting something important first. It’s what I do, so that’s how it works.”
The words hung between us, and I could feel the weight of what I wasn’t saying pressing down on me. I couldn’t tell her that it was more than just work, more than just fear of commitment. It was the fear of not being enough, of being abandoned again—or worse, of being the one who fucks everything up. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was terrified of becoming my father, of being the one who lets everyone down.
“I don’t understand,” she said, her voice cracking a little. “I thought… I thought we had something real back then. I thought you felt the same way.”
I turned to her, my heart aching at the vulnerability in her eyes. “I did. I do. Bella, I’ve always loved you. But sometimes loving someone isn’t enough. Sometimes… it’s just easier to walk away.”
She blinked, her eyes glistening, and I could see the hurt all over again because, God, I knew I sounded like a real piece of shit for the way I said it.
“But you’re not walking away now, are you?”
I shook my head, reaching out to take her hand. “No. I’m not. I can’t. I don’t know how to do this right. I’ve made so many mistakes, but… I don’t want to keep doing life without you.”
Her lips trembled, and she squeezed my hand. “Then don’t,” she said, an echo of last night. But it was so much bigger now.
I pulled her closer, wrapping my arm around her, and we just sat there, the morning sun warming us, the silence between us heavy with everything that still needed to be said. I knew I wasn’t giving her the full truth. I was still holding back. But for now, we were together and as long as I could figure that out, then we had a chance.