30. BELLA
30
BELLA
T he cabin was too quiet. It was my day off, and I had nothing to do. I wanted to work to distract me—day off be damned—but I was sick all the time and scared I was going to do something stupid.
Like throw up on deck.
Or burst into tears and be a blubbering mess in front of the staff under my command.
I hated this.
The silence pressed in from all sides, making it hard to breathe. I stared at the wall, feeling like my heart had shattered into a million pieces and every single shard was slicing through me. I scrubbed angrily at my cheeks, the tears coming and going in waves. I hated that I was crying. I hated that I couldn’t deal with this shit.
I’d been through heartbreak before. Chris had dumped me when I was younger and I’d gotten through it, hadn’t I?
But it hadn’t felt like this.
Nothing could ever feel like this.
I covered my face. I was furious—at Chris, at myself, at this whole damn situation.
How could he shut me down like that? All this time, I thought there was more to why he pushed me away before. I thought that maybe it was fear—something we could work through, something we could fight together if he was just open with me. And he’d been open with me, right? At least, I thought he had—he’d told me of his fears and worries and he’d let me in.
Except, it hadn’t been enough. Maybe he’d just said some things to appease me, to make me feel like it was the real deal this time and I’d fallen for it like a fool.
Finding out that I was pregnant had shattered that illusion, hadn’t it? He really didn’t want commitment. Not then, and not now.
It was better I knew before anything serious happened.
As if having a baby isn’t serious.
Anger twisted my stomach. He’d betrayed me. I struggled to catch my breath. Everything I thought we were building had fallen apart. I wanted him to be someone he wasn’t so badly, someone he could never be, and I’d convinced myself that he had changed and become exactly that. I wanted to believe in the man I thought I saw beneath all his armor, but maybe I’d just been projecting my hopes onto him.
Maybe Chris wasn’t that guy, and I was never the one for him.
Just thinking it made me feel like throwing up all over again. How could I have let myself fall into the same trap, twice?
I let out a shaky breath, wiping at my face again. I had to pull myself together. But every time I thought I’d stopped crying, more tears came. I spiraled, slipping further and further into this awful pit of rejection and despair. The idea of losing Chris—of him not wanting me, not wanting this life—cut deeper than anything I’d ever felt.
My phone rang and Gigi’s name popped up on the caller ID. It was as if my need for her had summoned her.
I was leaning on my best friend a lot lately, but she’d said she would be here for me no matter what.
“Did you talk to him?” she asked. “How did it go?”
I sank onto my bed and tried to keep it together, but I started crying as soon as I talked.
“It was a shitshow, G. He… he said he couldn’t do this. He shut down, completely. He told me I was better off without him.”
“What the fuck?” Gigi cried out. “That doesn’t make any sense. He’s been so into you lately.”
“Yeah, but being into me isn’t the same as building a life with me, apparently.” I took a shuddering breath, trying to breathe through my tears. “I mean, obviously it’s very different to have casual sex and to build a family.”
“I just didn’t see it coming,” Gigi said. “I mean, he’s such a decent guy, isn’t he?”
“I thought he was,” I said, my voice thick. “But he dumped me once before, remember? People don’t change, no matter how much we want them to. The same issues as before came up.”
Gigi was silent for a beat. “Are you sure he’s not just scared?”
I let out a bitter laugh. “He looked terrified. But it doesn’t matter, does it? He still pushed me away, just like before. Maybe he never wanted this. Maybe he never wanted me the way I wanted him. Maybe I just made up this whole idea of who he was.” I felt my tears coming again, a lump swelling in my throat and I had to stop talking.
“Bella,” Gigi said, talking while I couldn’t. “You’re not crazy for loving him.” How had she known that was how I felt? “You’re not wrong for wanting him to be better. You saw the good in him, and you still do. That’s not something to be ashamed of. You see the good in people and that makes you the good guy.”
I snorted. “Good guys always finish last, don’t they?”
“You have such a beautiful heart, Bella,” Gigi tried again. “If he can’t figure that out by now, that’s on him, not on you.”
I sighed and closed my eyes, pressing one hand to my forehead while I held the phone against my ear with the other. “What’s the point of being so good, seeing the good in people, if I just end up getting hurt?” I asked. “I really wanted to give it my all with him, you know?”
“I know, Bells,” Gigi said sympathetically. “Why doesn’t he want to fight for us?” My voice broke, and I could feel the tears coming again. “I can’t do this alone, G. I can’t keep fighting for something if he’s not willing to fight with me so if he doesn’t want to be a part of this, then he should go. But that means I’ll do it all alone, and that’s just as terrifying.” My stomach twisted at the thought of raising this baby alone, with no career I could fall back on, with nothing and no one in my corner. The fear threatened to choke me.
“You shouldn’t have to do it alone,” Gigi said fiercely. “And you won’t. I’m here, alright? We’ll figure this out. If Chris wants to be an idiot, fuck him. But don’t for a second think you’re not worth fighting for.”
“He doesn’t want me, Gigi,” I said.
“Then he’s the world’s biggest idiot. Leave him behind and build your life. You can do this. I’m here, and you’re going to get through this. And if you take him to court for maintenance or something, I’ll be right there, your biggest cheerleader. Make him pay what he should, live the life you deserve, and put yourself first.”
Her words were like a lifeline, pulling me back from the edge. I knew she was right—Chris had to be the one to step up. He had to help me out, legally, if not emotionally. But that didn’t make the pain any easier to swallow. I felt like I’d been left out in a storm, with nothing to hold on to but the hope that somehow I wouldn’t drown.
“Thank you, G,” I said softly. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“I’m always here, Bella,” Gigi said. Usually she made jokes about how my life would be empty without her, but right now, she was sincere and honest and she made me feel like I could figure it out. Even if it was just a little bit.
“I have to go,” I said. “I have some things to take care of.”
“Call me whenever you need me, okay?” Gigi said. “Anytime, day or night.”
“Thank you, G,” I said again. “For everything.”
When I hung up with Gigi, I stared at the phone in my hand, feeling emptier than ever. I wiped my face one last time and took a deep breath, trying to steady myself. I still had a commitment—a meeting with Eli.
Shit, shit, shit.
He’d promised me a private tour of his yacht, but the thought of seeing anyone right now made my stomach twist.
Maybe I should just cancel.
Anger bubbled up inside of me again. What was the point in trying to help Chris anymore? If he didn’t want me, if he didn’t want to be a part of this, then why should I care about his business, his rivals, or anything that happened to him? But even as I thought it, I knew it was a lie. Deep down, I couldn’t completely let go. There was still a part of me that wanted to protect him, that wanted to help.
There was another part of me that wanted to be spiteful. If he didn’t want me, then I would go out and do whatever the hell I wanted. It wasn’t like I cared about Eli at all—he was a slimy no-good son of a bitch. But still, sitting here and wallowing in self-pity wasn’t going to change anything, either.
I let out a frustrated sigh, brushing away the last of my tears. I looked at my reflection in the mirror—my eyes were puffy, my face pale, and I looked like a complete mess but a bit of makeup, a nice dress and a bright smile might change things.
I pulled myself together as best as I could, changing into something more put-together, trying to steel myself for the meeting. I had to present myself as confident, even if I felt anything but. I put on some makeup, covering the signs of my earlier breakdown, straightening my shoulders, forcing myself to stand tall.
I was a powerful woman who’d built a career on my own, and I wouldn’t let this hiccup get me down.
Not that it could be described as just a hiccup.
My life was going to change, but that didn’t mean I didn’t have the strength to deal with it, to make the best of it.
I was going to have a baby. That was a fact. I had to work with that.
I took a deep breath through my nose and let it out through my mouth. I was terrified, but I could do this.
One step at a time. I was going to get through this.