25. Samantha
Chapter twenty-five
Samantha
“Why now?” Ruth asks tearfully.
I’m outside the bathroom stall, holding a bag containing her jeans while she handles her business.
“Things like this happen, baby,” I reassure her. Your first time?”
“Mm-hmm,” she replies.
“Let me help you, then.” I knock softly on the door.
She’s silent for a few moments, but lets me in. I brought some underwear of hers that would be perfect for pads.
I walk her through the process. When she’s done, I bury her blood-soaked underwear in a plastic bag.
“We’re burning that when we get home,” she says, looking at the bag.
“Ruthie, come on,” I chuckle. “Well, I understand the feeling, but you’ll be fine.”
“What if someone saw?” She sounds like she wants to cry again. “It just came out, and… so much blood.”
“Hey, I’m sure no one did. If they did, we’d have a bigger problem.”
“What’s that?”
“Stopping your father from gouging their eyes out.”
A smile forms on her face. “Stan is so weird. Don't tell him about this.”
I don’ t think that telling the man who casually says he wants to fuck me on my period would actually do her any harm, but I decide to respect her privacy.
“Yeah, he’s a real weird guy,” I agree. “Now I'll let you change. Welcome to your monthly subscription.”
“I hate this so much,” she grumbles.
“Me too, Ruthie. Me too.”
Once she finished changing, I met the principal and told him she’d be out the rest of the day. He didn’t argue with me and gave permission.
“Have a good day, Mrs. Holt,” he says as we leave.
Yeah, I’m never going to let the assumption die down. I’ve decided to roll with it.
“Mrs. Holt?” Ruth asks, raising an eyebrow.
“That’s what I’ve been called anytime I see the principal,” I explain with a shrug.
“I guess this makes you kind of my pseudo-mom or something,” Ruth says with a nervous chuckle.
I squeeze her hand. I know I’ll never be her mom biologically, but she’s starting to grow on me.
“I guess so,” I say. “Now, I need to take you home—somewhere I’ve always wanted to take my daughter. Pseudo or not.”
****
“I thought you said you wouldn’t tell him,” Ruth groans as she covers her face.
We’re back home. Displayed on the kitchen counter are tampons and pads, ibuprofen, and heating patches.
“I also mentioned he was going to find out,” I remind her with a sigh.
“Oh, hey,” Stan says, entering the room. “You two are back… um…” He exchanges nervous glances between us and the products. “I didn’t know which products to get, so I got some of each. How are you feeling, Ruth?”
“I want the ground to swallow me,” she replies, still covering her face. I bite my lip so I don’t laugh.
Stan walks over to us, looking like he can’t figure out if he wants to hug Ruth or pat her shoulder. Clumsy, awkward fool .
I give Ruth a little nudge, and she removes her hands to stare at her father.
“I want to help,” Stan says. “I have a game of pool tonight, but Sam will be here. But if you need me to be here, Ruth, I will. I don’t know what your father would do in a situation like this, but I want to make sure I’d do the same, or better. If there’s anything you need, say it, and I’ll make it appear.”
“A pony,” Ruth says.
Without blinking, Stan flips out his phone and makes a call. “Jerry, I need the best pony you have on your farm. I’ll pick it up this evening—”
“No, no, I was joking!” Ruth cuts him off and takes the phone. “I’m sorry about that,” she says to the likely bewildered Jerry, then ends the call.
She turns to Stan. “What’s the matter with you, you weirdo?”
Stan almost looks like he wants to cry. “You said…”
“Geez, you’re so annoying,” she mutters, driving the knife deeper.
I giggle. Stan glares at me like I’ve betrayed him.
“You seem to forget you’re my father, too,” Ruth says, her voice softer. “Thank you for being here. That’s all I need from you. And you’re doing a weird but clumsy good job at it.” She hugs him. “Plus, if you want a hug, just ask. You always act like I’m going to bite you or something.”
Stan hugs her back, and she motions for me to join the hug. I don’t want to ruin the moment with my presence, but I accept the invite. I feel Ruth’s small hand on my waist and Stan’s big hand on my back.
Is this the feeling of home?
As the group hug ends, Stan is the first to speak. “I think you should tell your mom what happened.”
“I will,” Ruth says, and leaves for her room.
“One box of the heating patches is for you,” he tells me.
“You really are a weirdo,” I say, but I beam at him. “She’ll be fine with me tonight. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
It’s night. Ruth has been tucked into bed, and I’ve been awakened by fingers brushing my cheek.
It’s Stan. He leans over me, his eyes tender.
“Hey,” I yawn as I sit upright. “How was the game?”
“Lucas and I won,” he answers. “Barry says it’s not fair because Ray and Lesley weren’t there to help and he had to play with Larry.”
“Getting mad at the owner of the place is a little crazy,” I giggle.
“We had to buy some drinks to lift his mood. I think I’m going to be sick in the morning,” he groans.
“You drove?”
“Lucas did.”
The mention of my cousin’s name makes me feel guilty, considering I haven’t even seen him in a while. I have no excuse because he lives on the same property. I haven’t even seen Alex since I first arrived at Lucas’s. Though, he is busy with school, like Ruth.
“I feel so inadequate,” Stan says softly. I realize I’ve never seen him look so vulnerable.
“With?” I ask gently.
“Everything. Work, you, Ruth, Lucas… I don't know if I’m doing the right thing here,” he explains. “I mean, especially you. You came to me for a job, and stuff happened. And you’re Lucas's…” He runs his fingers through his hair. “It's a mess.”
“There’s really no point denying what's happening between us,” I say. “It’s messy, yes. But what exactly are we going to do? If anything, I'm just worried about everything going sideways.”
“Speaking of sideways, I'm starting to wonder if a full-length movie is a good idea,” Stan admits. “I'm sick of being the Holt failure. I could easily swallow the failures of the short films, but this… if this fails…”
“You’ll try again,” I remind him. “That's always been your nature. ”
He laughs. “You're not wrong. I just… with Ruth now…”
“You know that she loves some of the short films that were considered to be failures?” I ask. “Ruth will be fine.”
He doesn’t say anything. Judging by how his expression has softened, he agrees with me.
“Ruth is a living example that you do the right thing. Yes, your relationship with her mother failed, but you birthed a genius,” I continue. “As long as Ruth is here, you'll always see that you haven't failed.”
“What about you?” he asks. “Have I failed in wanting you?”
I don't want to ruin his relationship with Lucas, nor do I want to give Ruth something temporary to believe in. So, I lie.
“What's going on between us can easily stop. It's not developed into something that we can't walk away from. So again, you haven't failed.”
“You're a terrible liar, Samantha,” he chuckles as he leans towards me and holds my chin between his index finger and his thumb. “You may be right that this hasn't gone too far… but it may have already.”
“With everything we’ve done together, you mean?” I ask, my throat dry.
“And more. And I want you so badly.” His voice shakes in a way that makes my body tingle. “I'll be patient and not push things, but still. I can’t deny my desire for you.” He lets me go. “It’s been decades, and I still don't know how to let you go.”
I don't know what to say. I want to kiss him, but the timing doesn’t seem right.
“Ruth was right. You are a weirdo,” I say gently, getting to my feet. “Holding onto a childish crush for years? Come on.”
He stares at me with puppy-dog eyes. I trap his face between my palms and kiss his forehead. “Don't give up now,” I tell him.
It’s a selfish demand, but I want his wanting me to continue.
And I still want him, too.